On Saturday, Isan Diaz opted out of the season. Someone doesn’t want to sneak out to the strip club anymore. Then, on Sunday, the Marlins said they would bring up Monte Harrison and summon a bunch of journeymen to Baltimore for their next series, starting on Tuesday. I don’t care if they have one player, as long as that player’s Monte Harrison. Outside of Harrison, it sounds like their lineup might be filled with Matt Joyce, Jorge Cantu and Dan Uggla. “Bah gawd…it’s Ricky Nolasco’s music!” Last year, Harrison went 9/20/.274 in 56 Triple-A games. *does the robot as I head to my waiver wires to pick up Monte Harrison in every league* Robot voice, “Don’t…mind…if…I…” Damn, I was messing around, and someone got him before me. Stupid slow robot! So, grab Monte Harrison in every league for some power and great speed, though he might hit .210. I’d wait and see on Jorge Cantu. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Stephen Strasburg – Threw off of flat ground. “I told you!” That’s Kyrie Irving.

Tyler Glasnow – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.12. The Rays should just stack Snell and Glasnow in one game so they can guarantee themselves a win every fifth day, because if teams keep falling out, 12 wins might get you into the 16-team playoffs. By the by, how crazy is MLB that they think they’ll have 16 teams for their 16-team playoffs? They’re gonna have to have the Yankees do a split squad for dem playoff TV dollars. Now that I think about it, MLB might want that.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .286, and 2nd homer in the last three games, and hitting in the three-hole. Do I smell a hot schmotato heating up?

Cole Sulser – 2 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. Two words that sum up bullpens in 2020:  Cole Sulser. I know cold seltzer, I do not know Cole Sulser, and I do not wish to.

Renato Nunez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. O’s just chewed up Rays’ pitching. Yes, exactly what you expected going into this series.

Kenta Maeda – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.64. Before the shutdown, Maeda was the one guy I wanted in every league. Since that was pre-pandemic, and I can’t remember pre-pandemic, who knows if I own him, but I wanted him. (Funny how I remember wanting him, and conveniently can’t remember if I own him, huh? I’m beguiling, and a person who doesn’t know what beguiling is.)

Mitch Garver – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Better step up his game if he wants to get back on his HR/Game pace of last year. We ain’t got time for bird sex and we ain’t got time for lollygagging.

Aaron Civale – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.75. What’s this BS? Indians pitchers only throw 10+ K complete games.

Eduardo Rodriguez – Shut down for the remainder of the season, but luckily his heart is functioning properly again. Ed-Rod on the mend — check! Ed-Rod not the Tin Man — check!

Xander Bogaerts – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. I stand by Friday’s Sell. The Red Sox look so checked out; I’m not excited about their expensive bats at all. You gotta want to play this year, the Red Sox look like a bunch of Dottie Bobos with no interest. Christian Vazquez? Well, whatever, he’s a catcher. Just Dong, Bogaerts, Rafael Devers (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer)? I don’t know, guys and five girls.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer in the last five games. Better pick up his pace if he wants to catch Maris.

Luke Voit – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Be nice to see him get to 12 homers this year. That’s good, bee tee dubya.

James Paxton – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 13.50. As I said after his last start, he’s injured, he just hasn’t announced it yet.

Rowan Wick – Recorded the save on Saturday. Craig Kimbrel is turd relish. Jeremy Jeffress (1 IP, 0 ER yesterday) could be next in line too.

Jon Lester – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.82. All about that leff esort.

Keone Kela – Tested negative twice and can rejoin the Pirates soon to presumably be their closer. That’s bad news for…what’s the wordy again? Oh, yeah, Burdi’s the wordy.

Kevin Newman – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .179. What a miserable start. Dot dot dot. That’s been better than Pete Alonso. Kill me now.

Mitch Keller – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.52, but left with oblique discomfort. In some ways, we’re all on the oblique timeline.

Tyler Chatwood – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 0.71. Streamonator hates his next start, but Chatwood sounds like someone who just wants to talk on OnlyFans, and I’m picking him up in every league. He’s throwing his cutter a lot more; his fastball a lot less, and it’s working.

Forrest Whitley – Had arm discomfort. Can’t see the Forrest through the Dr. Freeze.

Roberto Osuna – Hit the IL with elbow soreness. The Astros could turn to Ryan Pressly, if he’s healthy, which I’m not sure he is, or, in two leagues, I speculated on Lori Greiner’s Andre Scrubb Daddy. “Listen, I know you don’t want to give me 75% of your company for 1/8th of its value, but I turned Andre Scrubb Daddy into a $100 million dollar business and it’s a sponge.”

Hansel Robles – 1 IP, 3 ER on Saturday. Robles is in the running for the Gas-X Bloated ERA Award, there’s a 30-way tie with every closer. No change is official, but you could grab Ty Buttrey (1 2/3 IP, 1 ER), even though he was overworked on Sunday and did not appear to be the new closer.

Shohei Ohtani – 1 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 37.80. Allowing Ohtani to throw batting practice once a week is an interesting strategy.

Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .143. Was pretty cool that during his home run trot they let Pujols sit on 2nd base for 10 minutes to gather energy to get around the bases.

Danny Santana – Hit the IL with a forearm strain. With Dannys Antana out, Nick Solak should be a near-everyday player, which is great. Also, they have Scott Heineman, which is weird. How many Heinemans are there in MLB? Heinemen? Heinies?

Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .150. Don those fishbowl platform shoes, it’s time for The Seoul Train!

Joey Gallo – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .310. Cherry on top of this shizzshow is gonna be Gallo hitting .300 this year, isn’t it?

Chadwick Tromp – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. After the ball sailed over the wall, Tromp convened his best people to investigate how that happened.

Tim Anderson – Placed on the 10-day IL with a groin strain. I’ll admit that I didn’t think there was 10-day IL stints this year. I thought they rolled back to 15-day for real injuries and whatever-day IL stints for Covid. This isn’t a joke, I’m legit confused.

Nick Madrigal – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. He recorded his 1st career hit the same game he went 4-for-5. Yo, Madrigal, are you the centerfold for Hitman Magazine? Because I didn’t know they did any centerfolds after Mattingly retired. 4-for-5 in his 1st career game with a hit! Can you believe this? That hasn’t been done since…Daniel Palka. Welp, now I’m even more impressed.

Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.48. Streamonator actually kinda likes his next start, but I don’t trust him, and the season is too short to cyclops him with a monocle.

Billy Hamilton – Acquired by the Mets. Well, the word got around, they said, this kid’s OBP is insane, man. Took up a collection just to send him to 1st, man. And the world’s gonna know your name. What’s your name, man? BILLY HAMILTON! In New York you can be a new man, JUST YOU WAIT!

Yoenis Cespedes – The Mets said they didn’t know where Cespedes was, and everyone was rightfully worried for his safety, then about an hour later the Mets said they knew Yoenis was safe. Since it’s impossible to know a player is safe and not know where he is, it appears the Mets just wanted to shame Cespedes for not being at the game. The Mets are so stupid, yet still surprisingly stupid. It truly is remarkable. Finally, we received word that Yo was opting out. Trader Joe’s execs, “For products we know we have, but don’t know where they are in the store, we’ll call them Trader Yo’s.”

Pete Alonso – 0-for-5, hitting .175. More like Alons-ohferfive. Get it together! I own you in literally every league!

David Peterson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.86. By the 2nd start I’ve watched on him, I’ve cemented my opinion on him. He’s…fine. Not F-I-N-E fine, just fine. Almost entirely neither here nor there. Serviceable. My thesaurus allows three adjectives per week, so there ya go.

Touki Toussaint – 4 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 8.10, but in his 1st start of the year, and already their last starter is a Faultymemorywitz. Touki’s next is at home vs. the Jays, but at home home not on the road home. You know exactly what I’m saying because you’re also like, “2020 Fantasy Baseball: This shizz is nuts, but I’m here for it.”

Joey Votto – Hit the IL with reported uh-oh symptoms, which means he could be on the IL anywhere from a few days to the rest of the season. I told everyone to play roto this year instead of head-to-head, but I’m now realizing everyone’s playing head-to-head, as in every fantasy team has one player on it and they’re going against other teams with one player. Fantasy Baseball 2020: It’s a bit like Hunger Games.

Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.68, and the complete game. Person waking from one-month coma, “What is Grey talking about? Bauer was two innings short of a complete game.” Hey, lover of baseball, I got something to tell you. Rob Manfred has made doubleheaders into seven innings and pitchers can now get participation trophy complete games.

Nick Castellanos – Hit two homers (3, 4). Usually it’s shish, but sheesh, Greek God of Hard Contact!

Tyler Alexander – 3 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 walk, 10 Ks in middle relief, as he tied franchise record holder, Doug Fister, with nine consecutive strikeouts. You know you’re doing something right when you’re tying Fister in punch outs.

Casey Mize – With service time no longer a consideration, Mize will be called up, likely by the time you read this. Will likely be my lede in the next day or two, so I will hold back a little bit, but, yes, pick him up in every league.

Chris Bassitt – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.93. People were out chasing Turnbull, Boyd and an array of other pitchers that I couldn’t understand, while almost completely ignoring Bassitt, who I’ve loved since back in January (of this year, I know by now it’s confusing what year it is).

Ramon Laureano – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .290. And I love Laureano too. What am I, an A’s Stan? Where am I from, PakA’s-stan? Okay, I pushed too far.

Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.66. Sitting 95 on his fastball after throwing 92 MPH last year. Completely abandoning his slider and curve, adding a cutter that was inducing lots of swings and misses. Yusei? Yes, I do! Kikuchi-kuchi-coo! Never thought I’d be interested, but here I am interested. He looks marvelous. Streamonator loves his next start, and I’m wit’ it.

Kyle Lewis – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .425. Heard Ken Burns is working on a 10-part documentary about Kyle Lewis’s 10-game 2020 season.

Wade Davis – Hit the IL with a shoulder strain. No closer is saving 10 games this year. Just not happening. Bullpens this year are like Princess Di and corgis walking through a field of land mines. So, I grabbed Jairo Diaz (save yesterday) in a few leagues, this will work out great for me.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Great call by Bud Black to start him over Garrett Hampson. Don’t make me put that in sarcastic font. Of course, it’s freakin’ egregious. Can you imagine not giving Hampson time to prove himself because, ya know, he could have a future with the Rockies, unlike Kemp, who is just passing through? There’s a lot of terrible managers in the majors, but Bud Black is the worst.

Daniel Murphy – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .364. Another guy who should’ve been DFA’d years ago. Doesn’t even matter that he’s started this season well. Well, it does for fantasy, but wasting entire years on vets with declining skills is quite the strategy. Oh, and Black started Chris Owings over Raimel Tapia yesterday too. Dig to the bottom of the giant pile of dinosaur crap in Jurassic Park and let out a chef’s kiss.

Ryan McMahon – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Lift the ball, Ryan! Everyone’s doing it.

Luke Weaver – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 14.73. Puke Weaver.

Merrill Kelly – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Tough start vs. the Dodgers and threw the Quality Start, I’m taking the W on Friday’s Buy.

Julio Urias – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Even though the season is barely ten days old, let’s be honest, we’re not sure if we’re getting another ten days. Okay, I think we do get a full 60 games, because games are money, and the MLB’s not trying to leave money on the table, but right now I’m thinking about how I want Urias on every team in 2021. He’s a top 20 starter waiting for a full season of innings.

Clayton Kershaw – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, as he was activated from the IL. Must be nice to have him back, which is different than it being nice to have his back.

Mookie Betts – 2-for-3, and his 2nd homer, but left game early with wrist soreness. Best to wish Betts your best. <–not a palindrome!

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .150. A 1st round pick that hasn’t made me want to pull my luscious hair from my head? No way!

Ryan Braun – Hit the IL with an infected index finger. Leave it to Braun to hit the IL during a weekend the Brewers weren’t even playing. What the hell was he doing with his finger? No one can go to the movies, so why’s he picking his seat!

Lorenzo Cain – Opted out of the remainder of the season. Don’t blame him at all. Brewers haven’t been able to play, so can you imagine being paid millions of dollars to sit in a five-star hotel and watch TV all day? That sounds awful! Also, do the Brewers need a clubhouse attendant? Asking for a friend.

Jack Flaherty – Cardinals have come back with multiple positives. So what does that mean for the Cardinals? Prolly taking the road previously un-traveled by the Marlins. They’ll sit in their hotel for a week. Occasionally, they’ll peek their heads out their room, see Mike Shildt sitting there as a hall monitor, and go back in their room. Only what they don’t know is it’s a scarecrow in a Shildt jersey.