Merrillkelly, Merrillkelly, Merrillkelly, Merrillkelly Life Is But A Buy

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY YESTERDAY ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $5/MONTH.)

Was having a chat in the comments the other day with Razzball writer, Coolwhip, and I said to him something like, “Wonder if starters who throw weak-sauce fastballs are going to be better this year because there will be less effort, and leff esort (sic) this year is better because no pitchers can throw hard with no real ramp up to the season.” Leff esort is such a great concept. It’s like saying ‘less effort’ without opening your mouth, so it is being said with less effort — hence, leff esort. Leff esort is such an easy way to live, yet alone pitch. Could all those jacked 99 MPH fastballs be just too much this year and leff esort is the way to go? I don’t know. But it does seem like guys sneaking by on 91 MPH or slower fastballs are having a much better time so far. Aaron Civale couldn’t get arrested with his 91 MPH fastball (if there was a law against 92+ MPH fastballs), yet here he is. Giddy up, Ryan Yarbrough (88 MPH), you slow dog! Sure, you’ll do, Jon Lester (89). Hey, look at Ross Stripling (91), and you too, Matt Shoemaker (91). Merrill Kelly had moments of 92+ MPH fastballs in his first game, but he is more about his cutter (90 MPH), curve and change. Last September, Kelly also dominated, and I’m adding him everywhere. Maybe we’re all just trying too hard and we need leff esort. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Danny Jansen – Was thinking about how Danny Jansen doesn’t fit in with the Jays because he doesn’t have a father who played in the MLB, but I dug into Jansen’s personal history (by reading his 50-word bio on Wikipedia) and Adam Jones used to live with him while growing up, and Jones grew up with Tony Gwynn as his coach, which basically means Tony Gwynn Jr. Jr. is Danny Jansen. *push-pinning red string on cork board* It’s all connected.

Daulton Varsho – Just gave you my Daulton Varsho fantasy. It was written while riding a mop around my living room.

Mitch Moreland – Fun fact! When Queen Isabella told Magellan to go claim another continent, Magellan said, “*itch, more land?”

Colin Moran – Because I love you as much as someone can love someone who has never met someone and has no intention of meeting someone can love someone, I dug in on Moran’s early season “breakout.” I left the quotes around the word “breakout,” because I didn’t see anything amazing. His Launch Angle is its usual flat self and it just appears like he’s seeing the ball well, which is good, but not sure that’s long-term.

Shed Long Jr. – This is funny in a not funny way. I saw Shed Long towards the top of ESPN’s Player Rater. Our Player Rater is better, and I usually don’t bother looking at ESPN, but I happen to be there and saw Shed doing well. Then I looked at his stats, and they so overrate steals on their Rater it’s not even funny in a funny way. When this was written (a game has happened since then), Long was 6th on ESPN’s Player Rater, and 18th here, for 2nd basemen. Steals are one category; chillax, ESPN. Though, Shed has been running, if you need that.

Nico Hoerner – Great that he’s been the Cubs’ 2nd baseman. He’s an average-first hitter. Like a poor man’s David Fletcher. Call him David Fletch2Fletchlives.

Nick Madrigal – He’s coming up, right? …Right? Wait…*finger to ear bud*…the White Sox are asking me to ask, can Madrigal pitch? *finger to ear* Can he commissioner the entire league? Wow, Madrigal’s being asked to do a lot! So, Madrigal was called up. Finally. Here’s my Nick Madrigal sleeper from the shutdown. It was written while gassing up my Harley for a long ride.

Rio Ruiz – Doesn’t Rio Ruiz sound like a noir that John Huston wanted to direct? Hmm, maybe it’s my MFA talking. Any hoo! Ruiz is cheap power. “Now where’s that treasure, you scoundrel!” That’s Orson Welles auditioning drunk for Huston.

Jackie Bradley Jr. – JBJ started this season almost as hot as when he began his career with three walks in one game. Wow! Still amazing.

Teoscar Hernandez – If you need me to tell you why I like Teoscar, you’ve disappeared for the last two months. I should give you the Cersei shame walk.

Mike Yastrzemski – Just like the Pirates are terrible, and Moran is rosterable. The Giants’ lineup is the opposite of good, but, like Rob Thomas beautifully sang, Yastrzemski can get us back 2 good.

Trent Grisham – Looking at Grisham in my lineups like a redheaded Cougar looks at Grisham on her beach blanket after applying five layers of sunscreen. I’m wistful!

Yoshitomo Tsutsugo – Was a bit surprised in the preseason when everyone was like, “Let’s go-go, Shogo, go-go! I’m so excited that I’m repeating ‘go!'” But meanwhile being like, “That’s a Tsutsu-no-go from me, dawg.” Tsutsugo could absolutely be as valuable if not more so as Shogo, just in totally different ways, adding more HR/RBIs vs. average/runs.

Wil Myers – “…and the NL MVP is Wil Myers. Wow, what a bounce back for Myers this year with his 12 homers in 60 games. What a huge year.”

Tyler O’Neill – Move him up in the order! And that’s an…uh…order.

Zach Plesac – First, we need to address the elephant in the room. Pablo Sandoval, what are you doing here? Also, can we talk about how Plesac’s parents named him so it sounds like someone is pleading with him. Hopefully, we’re only saying ‘Zach, please, Zach, pitch every day, we need you.’

Chris Bassitt – This is a Streamonator call. Like the call it makes to mask manufacturers to ask if they can make him one that reads, “I’m single.”

Kyle Gibson – This is also a Streamonator call. “Just something in cursive with hearts, so other robots can see it, and know I’m single and ready to mingle.”

Anthony Bass – Bullpens…

Daniel Hudson – Are…

Nick Burdi – An…

James Karinchak – Utter…

Jonathan Hernandez – Total…

Trevor Gott – Mess…

Seth Lugo – Seri…

Oliver Drake – …ously. Not sure what to tell you. Bullpens are usually a mess in the beginning of the year, then they stabilize and those early closers getting jobs stick in the role, but this year? Well, if I told you 2020 wasn’t like any other year and you didn’t believe me, I’d ask what caused your 5-month coma or how drunk you were? I’m recommending Drake, and I don’t even know if he’s the Rays’ closer. 2020: The Year of the Whee!

SELL

Xander Bogaerts –

“My dead aunt’s will states clearly if we field the worst team that anyone has ever seen, we will inherit good draft picks.”
“Drafts picks from an amateur season that didn’t happen?”
“Um…”
That’s a scene of the Brewster’s Millions/Major League mash-up called The Red Sox 2020 Season. I’m kicking myself for not thinking about the Red Sox being awful when it pertained to drafting Bogaerts. He’s taking days off left and right, and, if the entire team stinks, he doesn’t care, for good reason. I’m also thinking Just Dong Martinez might be in for a long short year. Not saying to trade away Bogaerts (or J.D.) for off-brand hand sanitizer that smells like lavender-scented Popov vodka, but I would go to the fantasy baseball trade analyzer and explore options.