Daulton Varsho was called up by the Diamondbacks. His numbers in the minors are gorge, as in they will engorge you. 18/21/.301 in Double-A, and he’s a catcher. Oh…*climbs to top of world’s tallest stack of pancakes*…kay. Yo, Varsho, you the greatest living catcher ever? Varsho! Here’s what Prospect Itch said, “Prospects don’t get much rarer than Daulton Varsho. My estimated time for his arrival says late 2020, but that might be dependent upon Arizona deciding to stop developing him as a catcher. He struck out just 13.9 percent of the time while walking in 9.3 percent of his plate appearances. That along with his .301/.378/.520 slash line and 159 wRC+ in a decent pitching environment suggests he might be ready for the leap to MLB pitching right now. Can Grey take a leap?” Not cool, man. I haven’t been this excited for a catcher since I married my Cougar. My guess is he plays DH, since the DBacks ditched Kevin Cron, and already have Total Request Live and Rock the Vogt to catch. Playing time could be an issue, which is why I didn’t grab Varsho in every league, but I did try him in one very shallow league, knowing I can just drop him if he doesn’t work out. Yo, do you even lift, bro? Also, he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy, which you could already be reading if you subscribe to our Patreon. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kris Bubic – Announced as Royals’ Friday starter. He’s yet to throw above High-A, so, ya know, totally normal season we’re having when he’s a team’s third starter. Prospect Itch had him ranked in his top 150 fantasy baseball prospects (barely), and I’ve seen him compared to real-life number fours, which is something, I guess. I like what Prospect Mike said about him last year, “Mr. Bubic would be a fantastic name for a substitute teacher. Just close enough to a funny word to incite chortles, giggles, snickers, and the like. I will call him Mr. Boobdick. He’s not much different than the other two (Royals’ prospect arms)…average stuff, 2018 draftee, mid-rotation upside…” And that’s me quoting PM! I’m only interested in AL-Only for now.
Brady Singer – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Streamonator hates his next start in Wrigley, and not to get wiggly (hehe) about my enjoyment of this Singer, but that’s a no from me, dawg.
Trevor Rosenthal – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA–breathe, Grey, breathe! Holy crap, I almost lost it there for a second. When the Royals signed Matheny, was Rosenthal the player to be named later? Appears that you can move on from Ian Kennedy, which is what I say as soon as Kennedy gets a save.
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-4, and his 2nd and 3rd homer. This game was called in the 8th inning when Miggy was taking close to an hour to round the bases. I kid, but I’m sure Manfred’s considered it.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer and 8th homer in two games and holy hot schmotato! Grab him if he’s available in your league. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, but he’s here now.
John Means – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER as he was activated from the IL. If you need a starter and pick up Means, it’s called reverting to the Means. Don’t do it.
Rio Ruiz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .250. The river runs through…Ruiz! Welp, working on that still. So, I grabbed Ruiz in my RCL because he’s been hot and I randomly dropped Colin Moran and Yaz Jr. Jr., so karma was kind to me. Thanks, Karma Ragusa.
Hanser Alberto – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .400. Hanser? I don’t even knows her! The ‘knows” is key. Looking for a guy who could hit .350 in a short season? May as well call him Hanser Arraezto.
J.A. Happ – 4 IP, 4 ER. Just Abolish Happ.
Gleyber Torres – Hit by a pitch on the elbow and left the game and…wait, where’s the update? Shoot, where did I put it? People are going to be so scared during this rambling stall when all they want to hear is Gleyber is going to be fine. Oh, there it is. He’s fine. Elbow contusion.
Jose Leclerc – Hit the 45-day IL, which should be called the “We ain’t getting 45 more days lol.” Rangers beat writer, who I trust, says Jonathan Hernandez would be in line for saves, but Nick Goody did get 1st save — Goody got it! — so…I don’t know. I flip-flopped back and forth on these two, decided not to be bothered, but I guess Hernandez has worked the 8th innings. Speaking of which, MLB is saying soon there won’t be 8th innings anyway. No joke, they’re going to go to seven-inning doubleheaders to try to make up games. Totes normal season.
Anthony DeSclafani – Scheduled to start Saturday vs. the Tigers. He should be good to go about three innings in that start, then the Reds will be shut down for a week, then DeSclafani will throw the 1st game back for four innings and re-injure himself. Sorry, this crystal ball I got is good.
Shane Bieber – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 0.00. Not 100% sure how much top guys’ value is going to change this year vs. 2021. If Acuña hits .175, I’ll prolly write it off, and still rank him in the top 5 next year. Bieber, though, homeboy could be the number one starter going into next year, and it’s only between him and Cole, and not sure anyone else is in the convo.
Robbie Ray – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 8.64. Such a SHEThead. I said last week that Ray was a poor man’s Blake Snell. He’s looking more like Vince Velasquez in that you can’t dare to look at his statline without covering your eyes. Call him Wince Velasquez.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Insert Adam Sandler from Uncut Gems, “This is how I win.”
Corey Seager – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Maybe this offseason I will get to the bottom of why Corey Seager gives me the mehs, but when I see his name it causes me to make that noise you make with your lips, when you’re dehydrated the morning after drinking. Corey Seager: dry lip smacking.
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. This homer is for the dreamers, the believers, and all the those that put their socks on first.
Ross Stripling – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.92. Streamonator is a little iffy on Stripling’s next start, but hat does it know? Yesterday it only predicted a start of 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 Ks. Yo, Machinehead, it was two Ks! Cmon!
Dinelson Lamet – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.80. My fantasy staffs are doing so well this year. Cut the first 100 games out of every season! This is heaven!
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (2). Ding, ding, ding! Our first slam and legs of the year! I think this is the latest in the year it’s ever taken to get one, and, no, I’m not being sarcastic because it’s the last day of July. I mean, the 7th game of the season. Unless I missed one on Saturday when I don’t do roundups, but I don’t think I did. This is fascinating, huh? Okay, moving on.
Brandon Belt – 0-for-2 as he was activated from the IL. Recovered from a heel injury, sounds like Superfly after Piper’s Pit.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. Giants’ offense is going to be supercharged like anyone in a horror movie who is in a tub with a radio playing precariously on the tub’s edge.
Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .423. Oh, yeah, he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy, since he’s the hottest schmotato in schmotato land.
Christian Vazquez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. Could slam my head into a wall for not drafting him in every league. He was staring at me in every draft around the time I draft a catcher (200+). Maybe if he wasn’t staring I wouldn’t have been uncomfortable. Yeah, it’s his fault!
Steven Matz – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.18. As is my wont, I watched a lot of this start, and Matz got a raw deal. He gutted out a 5+ inning start, when he could’ve bailed after four innings. Not trying to make excuses because I own him more than any other pitcher, but, aside from two ding-dongs to Vazquez, he looked decent, and the 2nd homer barely got out.
Edwin Diaz – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 7.71, and bailed out big time by Sewald. The Mets traded their entire farm system for Edwin Diaz. Skull and clown emojis for infinity. Lugo or even Familia have to get next save chance.
Teoscar Hernandez – 3-for-4, and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .321. Imagine not drafting Teoscar in every league. Imagine that. After I told you to. Why are you even reading this if you ain’t paying attention? Teoscar might be in this afternoon’s Buy. Honestly, I don’t remember. He should just be owned in 100% of leagues, and he’s been in the last two Buy columns.
Cavan Biggio – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer. After the game, he got on a Zoom call with his dad, who reprimanded him, “I told you to hit the ball with your elbow guard.”
Michael Taylor – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Taylor H.A.M. By the by, you would’ve been better off drafting Michael Taylor in the 1st round instead of Juan Soto.
Ryan Yarbrough – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.54. I have a little crush on Yarbrough. Wonder if he’d be excited to receive a letter from me. *blushes* I’m too bashful!
Mike Foltynewicz – Outrighted to alternate training camp. For those slow on the uptake, this means not one single club wanted to bother with him, even though there’s some clubs who have literally two men in their five-man rotation. That is cold-blooded.
Max Fried – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.31. Good thing you drafted Scherzer in the 2nd round. Huge difference.
Mike Trout – Taking paternity leave. It is important for him to have a quality couple of days with his child before he sends him off to a distant planet to avoid the Covidapocalypse in his home planet.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (1) of the year. I hate to be the party pooper on a momentous occasion like our 2nd slam & legs of the year, but why can’t Ohtani just hit? Forget pitching this year.
Hansel Robles – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 20.25. Brush the breadcrumbs away from the bullpen so Hansel can’t find his way back to the mound. His velocity was down two miles per hour and can we just say closers can’t throw hard without proper ramping up of the season?
Jose Marmolejos – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Marmolejos is The Gypsy Kings favorite MLB player.
Shed Long Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .240. Shed looking more like an addition.
J.P. Crawford – 2 hits, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, 2 steals, 2 legit, 2 quit. He’s hitting .375, and leadoff. He’s not named Jhot Pschmotato Crawford for nothing.
Zack Wheeler – All Jays and Phils weekend games were canceled. With the number of games the Phils are playing this year, they might only need Aaron Nola and Zack Wheeler. File under related to Spencer Howard, but not related to Ryan Howard. Games are canceled because Rob Manfred let Sunday’s game happen between the Marlins and Phils. This is not the Marlins’ fault. Protocols that were put in place say Sunday’s game should’ve been canceled. Instead, Rob Manfred allowed a Slack chat to determine game status. Days since Rob Manfred was a national disgrace: Zero.