If you said you loved Kevin Kline in the role of Cole Tucker, you wouldn’t be wrong. What can’t Kevin Kline do? Yo, Kevin Kline, wanna be my father? “Sir, this is a Cheesecake Factory and that’s James, our short-order cook, not Kevin Kline.” I’m crazy for rookie bats. As crazy as I am for rookie bats, I’m tepid on rookie arms. I don’t dislike them, but roofies are real and dangerous. Rookie bats, however…*places nose right above a stick of butter, inhales deeply* So, the Pirates called up Cole Tucker. He’s the sexiest Pittsburgh shortstop since….uh Jack Wilson wasn’t very sexy…uh…Jordy Mercer God no…Erik Gonzalez bleh…Arky Vaughan! Arky took no crap, quitting for three years at one point because he got sore at Leo Durocher for talking to the press about a teammate. And Arky still made the Hall of Fame! Of course, he had to wait 33 years after his death. Any hoo! Besides Cole Tucker sounding like he wears Vineyard Vines, what do we know about Tucker? He has 30-steal speed. Love that. Where else are we finding that? That alone is reason to grab him in every league. Yes, every league. Next up, he made swing adjustments and is more a 17-homer hitter than the under-5 homer guy he showed before this year. In 18 spring at-bats, he hit two homers. In 57 Triple-A at-bats, he hit three homers. In his first career at-bat with the Pirates, he homered. For power, I’m going to start saying Triple-A is samesies with the majors. We’ll see if my new approach pans out! So, 17/30/.250 while also taking a walk? I told you every league. The Ghost of Arky Vaughan can eat a D! (If the site suddenly goes down for three years, we know why.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Starling Marte – Hit the IL with an abdominal wall contusion. That’s a hell of a thing to call Erik Gonzalez. Called up to replace Marte was Bryan Reynolds whose 1st answer to everything is, “No, not like the Deadpool guy.” Yo, Bryan Reynolds sounds like a snot! He has power, speed and can take a pitch. I’d like him more if I thought he was staying in the outfield for a while, but Dickerson, Polanco, Chisenhall, Marte–Yo, did the Yankees sneeze on the Pirates? Maybe, I don’t know, stretch before a game. As for Bryan Reynolds (and Jason Martin), they’re NL-Only plays for now.
Buster Posey – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .227. The Marla Gibbs line!
Aaron Judge – Hit the IL with an oblique injury. The doctor inspected Judge’s oblique and found an obelisk. So the Yankees aka The Walking Wounded lost Judge, and it looked pretty bad. I doubt he’s back for at least four weeks, maybe six. I will now go walk off a cliff.
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.76. If his usual splits hold with his 2nd half being much better than his 1st, he’s going to have a 0.50 ERA in the 2nd half.
James Paxton – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Damn, with that and the Yankees’ lineup and bullpen, they’re gonna be tough to beat! *intern whispers in ear* They’re what now? But their bullpen is good, right? Really? Ooh, maybe I shouldn’t mention anything.
Clint Frazier – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .339. Frazier should have some place to play for the foreseeable future since the Yankees are trying to start a new viral video called, “The Hospital Shuffle.” When the music hits, everyone dances to a hospital.
Hunter Dozier – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .304. Hmm…where did I hear his name before? No, it wasn’t my Hunter Dozier fantasy Buy column on Friday. I can’t hear that; it’s the written word, dur!
Gordon Beckham – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .250. Okay, Alex Gordon or Beckham? Likely Alex Gordon, but I will actively think I’m suggesting Dee Gordon, unless I can convince myself it’s Tim Beckham.
Daniel Norris – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.70 vs. Reynaldo Lopez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (0 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 7.46. This matchup was billed as, “Rey-Lo vs. Norris for Episode IX: Revenge of the Pfft in Star Warris.”
Hanley Ramirez – Designated for assignment. The assignment is to edit himself into a Fyre Fest documentary so people care about him.
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he was activated on Saturday. The Indians now have one good hitter.
Shane Bieber – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.47. Starting pitcher this year is like the scene in every spy movie. “Do you want to start a pitcher?” “Yes.” “Okay…” Then, that person’s head is shoved into a tub of water, that person screams underwater. The color drains from their face. Finally, they let them up, as they gasp for air, blurting, “I need to start pitchers!” Then they are shoved back underwater.
Max Fried – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.38. You can draft starters high, or you can throw darts at a board and draft hitters. I prefer darts. Seriously, I almost wonder if it’s better to have “bad” pitchers than “good” ones, because the “bad” will at least get pulled from the game, while the “good” ones end up like this: “Gerrit Cole’s better than this, let’s let him throw another inning of 3 ER ball.”
Julio Teheran – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.61. Teheran is such a dumpster fire. The pitcher isn’t good either. (That is the hackiest of sitcom jokes. The other one being: “I like that guy, Swanson.” “Dansby?” “No, Darcy Swanson, the heir to the frozen food empire.” 95% of Estelle Getty’s jokes were that setup. Any hoo!)
Touki Toussaint – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 8.59. I was hired to play piano in this bar in Kabul, but first I need to use the bathroom, can I leave my Fanta on the counter? *five hours later* Hey, are you my accordion player? Wait, are you playing accordion with my rib cage? AHHH!!! Roofie!!!
Mike Soroka – With Dookie Toussaint sent back to the minors, Soroka and Bryse Wilson will now do battle for who will have a Braves’ rotation spot when Foltynewyitz returns. My guess is Soroka, and, while I would grab him (or Wilson in deeper leagues), I don’t have any more faith in them than I had in Touki.
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.95 vs. Tyler Chatwood – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Both guys currently have a 5+ BB/9, and they could rematch this game in Wrigley 15 times and it would be a blowout at least 14 of those times.
Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .295. He has more homers than Hosmer, Profar, Pollock, Freeman, Blackmon and Puig5d1s–damn, I was writing that with my tears falling onto the keyboard, and I almost finished.
Matt Shoemaker – Out for the year with a torn ACL. As anyone that’s been to the Racing Hall of Fame can tell you, Shoemaker is no horse.
Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.10. Impressive start by Gibson. Kidding, he’s a giant dogpile of boring, even in favorable matchups. Why do I own him everywhere?!
Taylor Rogers – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.31 and his 2nd save this weekend. Blake Parker is supposedly battling the flu. As long as it’s not the Bird flu, which is when Greg Bird sneezes on you and you sprain your ankle, Parker should be okay.
Stephen Strasburg – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Keith Morrison from Dateline walks into frame, “In this bucolic town in Southern Florida named Miami, a man by the name of Stephen Strasburg faced nine hitters, but little did he know they were actually corpses that couldn’t even pass for a Zombino.”
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4 and his 2nd and 3rd homer, hitting .203. Welp, this means he’s about to go on a week-long hot stretch that will end in an IL stint.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Could be a light schmotato, but he was rightfully moved to the bottom of the order, and hopefully that doesn’t change.
Gerrit Cole – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.22. I don’t mean to laugh, but about that whole drafting starters early thing….*drives to last remaining pet store in country, walks through PETA picket line, heads to the puppy section* Yo, can I get a WOOF?!
Collin McHugh – 3 1/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 4.78. *dons WWII-era helmet as I enter my bunker* The pitcherpocalypse might hit anywhere, and you can never be too safe.
Josh Reddick – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .339. Last time Reddick homered, I started cyclops’ing him like a urologist. Now I’m going to stick my toe in a schmotato, but not 100% sure yet. That average though.
Alex Bregman – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .318. Besides Yelich and Bellinger no one was worth a 1st round pick, so, with that in mind, Bregman’s been great!
George Springer – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .277. Also, in this game Michael Brantley (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer and Carlos Correa (1-for-5, hitting .261) hit his 3rd homer. Mean’s while, Our Commissioner Manfred walked up and down the aisles of a sweatshop in Guatemala screaming, “We need the stitches tighter! The balls are not flying far enough!”
Jose Leclerc – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 1 hit, 4 BBs, ERA at 7.88, and the Hold. Lowercase yay! You thought the Rangers were having the last laugh by signing Leclerc to a multi-year extension that was under market value. Who’s laughing now? I picked up Shawn Kelley (1/3 IP, 0 ER, and the save, ERA at 1.80), because Leclerc looks Lebroke.
Joey Gallo – 2-for-3, 1 run, 5 RBIs, hitting .281. A productive day from Gallo without a home run. It really is the end of days.
Jon Gray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 BBs, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.78. Last year when he walked four guys they all came in to score, because I owned him. I believe this in my heart of hearts, which is a Be Mine candy heart I swallowed and got stuck in my aorta.
Cody Allen – 0 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 6.14, as he entered, gave up a two-run homer, and left the game. That should be the commercial for MLB this year. Ty Buttrey should be the closer in Anaheim, but I’m not sure they make the move. He should be owned either way.
Tommy La Stella – 2-for-3 and two more home runs (5, 6). Start calling him, Tommy Ha Stella, because this is a joke. I guess hot schmotato, but this is the biggest stunner of the season, and this in a season where Dee Gordon has twice as many home runs as Kris Bryant.
Joey Lucchesi – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.33. Exhale. Okay, the matchup was easy, but if Joey Lucchesi of the Zeppole Crime Family had Mr. Bungled it, I was going to have to reevaluate.
Chase Anderson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.00 in his first start back in the rotation. That’s why I was telling you to draft him! Then told you not to, when he lost his rotation spot. I love me some Chase Anderson, and I literally might be the only one. You can try Streamonator for Anderson, but it will never like him. I don’t mind him.
Mike Moustakas – Suffered a fractured ring finger tip, but won’t be placed on the IL. The Brewers said if he can play through the pain, then they won’t IL him. This is where the pure comedy comes in. He didn’t start yesterday. How do they know if he can play through it if he doesn’t play through it? You guys are killing me!
Eric Thames – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer this weekend and now I’m officially worried about Jesus Aguilar (0-for-4, hitting .136). Do these two guys share mojo, swapping it back-and-forth every year? I haven’t quite picked up Thames or dropped Aguilar, but I’m getting close now.
Josh Hader – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA up to 3.75 with another home run allowed, and the 3rd day in a row he’s given up runs. The last homer allowed was his first home run ever allowed on an 0-2 pitch. Toss out the Doomsday clock, I wanna see the time until Hader needs Tommy John.
Rich Hill – Will return next Sunday. He’s got a Jesus complex, but he’s a procrastinator.
Kenley Jansen – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER and his 1st blown save, ERA at 3.09. The bad news is he looks so hittable, giving up runs in four of his last six games. The good news is you didn’t draft Kimbrel.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.10, as he returned from the IL. As long as Ryu’s groin is fine, he will be too. My 12-year-old self once dreamt of me keeping tabs on other men’s groins. I’ve finally made it.
Cody Bellinger – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (11) and legs (4), hitting .424. If you managed to draft Christian Yelich and Cody Bellinger, you did great. However, on that day of your draft, you could’ve purchased a Powerball ticket and won $400 million instead, so you kinda screwed up.
Joc Pederson – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .270. ‘Member back in March when we were wondering which player being drafted after the top 300 who would break out? It’s only April, and a lot can happen, but starting to think it was Pederson.
Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at…Guess. It feels like he’s pitched well, right? Okay, don’t strain your frontal lobe, he has a 4.60 ERA. By the by, if you said it does feel like he’s pitched better, it’s because he has. Didn’t like him coming into the year, but his peripherals are as good as any past year when he had a low-3 ERA.
Austin Meadows – Hit the IL with a finger sprain. He’s headed to see a hand specialist. I wonder if he’s going to this Korean lady in my neighborhood because her sign says, Man-I-Cure.
David Price – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Weird to say this, but I own Price, and have loved it. His peripherals are that of a top 10 starter: 11.3 K/9, 1.9 BB/9 and 3.28 xFIP while doing it predominantly with his curveball as he maintains previous year’s fastball velocity. If I were Donkey Teeth and ranking top 100 starters, I’d move Price way up.
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-2 and his 7th homer, hitting .258, but removed with back spasms. Any form of the word spazz is just ugly. Please call them “back nerds.”
Michael Chavis – 0-for-4 as he played 2B. I went over him in Friday’s Buy. Still like Chavis a lot, but I’m worried about playing time. Makes little sense to call him up and not play him, but teams have been known to make stupid moves before.
Dakota Hudson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.89, as he was pitchslapped by Syndergaard. If Hudson were to ever have a favorable matchup, it’s his next start, and the Streamonator still doesn’t like it.
Noah Syndergaard – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.90. It’s only a few starts in April. Dot dot dot. Until you think about how bad his 2nd half was last year.
Pete Alonso – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .325. Is it merely a coincidence that I started writing this blurb when JT’s Strawberry Bubblegum came on my iTunes? …and then I love you when you show me your pop, then I’ll be your blueberry lollipop. I have no idea what that means, but it’s erotic and appropriate.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, but left the game after being hit on the hand, and was seen wearing a soft cast. I’ll never understand why hitters use their hands when hitting; it always causes problems.
Jacob deGrom – Was scheduled for an MRI, due to his elbow bothering him, but the Mets will always Mets and they said, “There’s no doctors around, due to Easter, and deGrom should be okay.” I’m not joking. Those were their words. As if there’s no Jewish doctors! I mean, Mets, seriously, are you gonna Mets all your life? Or better yet, if you have to have a Catholic doctor, I don’t know, maybe pay them to work Easter weekend. Crazy! I know! Are hospitals closed for Easter? I had no idea! *pulling on hospital door handle at ER* Wow, they’re closed for 4/20. Smokers gotta smoke, amirite? Holy crap, the Mets are dumb.