*wavy lines indicating a dream sequence* It’s the winter of 2019. And I’m wearing pants. Okay, that’s not realistic, but it’s a dream sequence, so I’m going to go with it! Crap, I have to do my rankings. Quick, rank Gregory Polanco in the top 40 outfielders overall, because you like how he hit more fly balls last year than previous years and think 23 homers is repeatable with maybe more. Also, he’s got some 10-15 steal-speed! But, since this is a very realistic dream other than the whole pants thing, someone, who you can’t remember now, told you Polanco won’t be back until June. Better check the news reports, even though that’s rather boring for a dream sequence. Yup, Polanco’s not due back until June. Frantically, by any man’s measure but calmly by yours, move Polanco all the way down so you’ll never draft him. Now fall into a kiddie pool so you wake to think you had a wet dream. *wavy lines* Whoa, that dream was crazy in its mundaneness! So, here we are on April 23rd and Grey doesn’t freakin’ own Polanco because reports in March were saying he wouldn’t be back until a much later date. *bites stress doll’s head off* I’m good. Thanks. Yes, I would own Polanco in every league; he can be a top 40 outfielder. Yesterday, he went 2-for-4, 2 runs, which was better than Jesus Aguilar’s entire season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Joe Musgrove – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.59. I watched most of this game (while recording the podcast — with a new mic!), and Musgrove looked much better than his line. He’s not a 1.59 ERA pitcher, but I’m still buying because no one thinks he’s a 1.59 ERA pitcher. Scratch that, in today’s game, no one is a 1.59 ERA pitcher. We’re lucky if anyone’s a 4.50 ERA pitcher.
Christian Walker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. *casually opens Razzball comments* Walker or Hunter Dozier; Dozier or Walker; FINKLE OR EINHORN?! Greybot 5000, malfunctioning, need lotion and Giancarlo stats. Am…burning…Midnight…Oil…Crap, I burned my CD of Midnight Oil with Beds Are Burning on it.
Eduardo Escobar – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and his 2nd homer in three games, and, finally, he’s coming out of the miserable April funk he was in. He’s about to school all of those people who dropped out of Escobar.Edu.
Mike Zunino – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .208. Who’s Zunino’ing who?!
Yandy Diaz – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, hitting .289. Here’s how I go with Yandy: He hit a home run? Cool, I like him for three days. He hasn’t hit a home run in three days? Meh, I’m moving on. I’m trying to get past my hesitation with him. He is a musclebound freak, which I usually like, but he doesn’t hit a ton of fly balls or pull a ton of balls and…Ugh, he doesn’t excite as much as I think he should.
Yonny Chirinos – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.55. I own Yonny in one league, but he’s more of a Streamonator type, though it does like his next matchup, so don’t be a Yonny Come Too Lately.
Alex Gordon – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .313. I wonder if he went by Al, he would have to cut people off from saying, “Congrats on inventing the internet!” Prolly not, which is also how I feel about picking him up, but that’s becoming untenable.
Hunter Dozier -2-for-2 and his 7th homer, hitting .324. Dozier…OR…Walker???!!! AH!!!! Feed Greybot 5000 ESPN Nudie Magazine pics of Giancarlo! He’s overloading! He needs soothing!
Jorge Soler – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .227. Marla Gibbs says, “Nuh-uh, chil’, that’s my address!”
Michael Wacha – Will miss one start with patellar tendinitis. Ironically, Patellar was also the doctor’s name who diagnosed it.
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Au Shizz!
Dexter Fowler – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .313. Oh, look, a flower in the shape of a dead hand. Let’s smell it. AHH!!! It’s a Zombino!
Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .205. I know Braun hasn’t been great for average, but I had no idea he had so many homers. People have been asking about dropping him and I assumed he’d been useless. Some of youse should try owning Kris Bryant! Anyway, to make Anime Grey, the sweatshop of animators needs at least five days of lead time, and, well, I’d want Braun over Kingery, obviously. Blame the cartoon unions!
Travis Shaw – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. He’s coming out of it! (Please let him be coming out of it.)
Hernan Perez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .256. When it looked like he had a starting job early in the preseason, I was very high on Perez, but the signing of Moustakas hurt that. Turnabout’s fair play, because now Moustakas is hurt.
Jason Castro – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Okay, I thought Mitch Garver might be breaking out, but now I see the truth. The Twins’ catchers are time travelers from 1998 with an advanced copy of Bud Selig’s pamphlet, “Just Say No To Congress.”
Jorge Polanco – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .392. MLB Drug Tester rolls a sifter glass of Polanco’s urine around and sniffs, “Getting some notes of pineapple.”
Brad Peacock – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.29. Not the greatest of starts, but I still like him. I’d hold Peacock, which is also what some super weird videos on the Dark Web say.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. If Brantley were to get to 14 homers by the end of May, I’d still project him for only 15 homers on the year.
Gio Gonzalez – Released by the Yankees, because they’re too loaded. I guess. I have no idea. Maybe he was garbage in the minors *looks at his minor league numbers: 11.4 K/9, 3.31 xFIP* Welp, I don’t know. Not like I would own him in fantasy, but the Yankees pitching is that stacked?
Brad Miller – Signed a minor league deal with the Yankees. As he left Cleveland, he said of the Indians, “They don’t want to play the best guys.” True, but he’s not the greatest messenger. Now wait until the Yankees fans see Brad Miller, they might not think he’s the best.
J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.96. Glad Happ was using Dove soap and not just a washed-up 36-year-old.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 and his 1st steal in his 1st start. Frazier should get the monkey-fighting out of fracking here with his bullship, and stop stealing freaking playing time from better effin’ hitters! Sorry, I blew my top a little, but at least it was an airplane edit.
Steven Matz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.03. Sonavabench! Or rather, Steveabench! Dubya tee eff, dude, this was the same team that mollywhopped you up with the quickness.
Jeff McNeil – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .384. He hit that home run for everyone who commented something like, “Can I drop McNeil? I know he’s hitting near-.400, but he doesn’t have a home run and my leagues are 1×1 and I need to inject dem homers directly into my veins.”
Kyle Freeland – Hit the IL with a blister on his middle finger. Classic truck driver injury.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .281. Wow, the original liner notes for The Star Spangled Banner. This should be in the Smithsonian! But before I send it in, I will haphazardly leave it by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Brian Dozier – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .188. Honestly, anyone in Coors is good.
Cedric Mullins – Sent to Triple-A. He was great with the glove, but turned out to be a total LUZR with the bat.
Jose Abreu – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .214. “Listen, I know this sign says no dumping, but I think it’s fine if we drop Jose Abreu in this creek–Holy crap! He moved! I think…Abreu’s alive!”
Stephen Piscotty – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting ..258. Is Piscotty better than any other 5th outfielder? Grey doesn’t know! Grey doesn’t know!
Chris Bassitt – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, in his 1st start. Must’ve been a Bark in the Park day in Oakland with a Bassitt mound day. Going into last night, Bassitt was a career 3.86 ERA pitcher in 191 1/3 IP, which means he’s a #1 ace. Try to beat a 3.86 ERA, any other pitcher in the majors! He’s been in pro ball since 2011 and only has 191 1/3 innings in the majors, so there’s likely nothing here beyond 75 IP, but it might be a matchup-friendly 75 IP with a high-7 K/9 and low-3 BB/9.
Mike Minor – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.21. The Regression Fairies must’ve been distracted by this week’s episode of Killing Eve so they didn’t bother taking out their full wrath on Minor.
Jose Leclerc – Rangers gave Leclerc a vote of confidence, which is what everyone says right before giving a closer a break for a month. “Jose, we believe in you. Now let’s go for a long boat ride. Can you carry this heavy bag of concr..concentrated rosin?”