For Mother’s Day, all MLB players use pink bats. On Father’s Day, all bats should be painted to resemble penises. I try to convince MLB of this every year, and every year I’m met with awkward silence. Another Father’s Day, another year MLB didn’t take my suggestion for an, uh, equipment update. How about they use the pink bats again, but with hanging scrotum on the knobs? They could at least call all home runs on Father’s Day “dongs,” or if the player is over the age of 35, then they’re long balls. These are not big fixes I’m asking them to do. So, Edwin Encarnacion took his long balls (see?!) to the Yankees (unintentional pun, but still worthwhile). Turns out the Home Run Parrot on Edwin’s shoulder is a better agent than Kimbrel’s. “Polly want 15%.” This made me chuckle: reporters on Saturday suggesting the new potential Yankees’ lineup had Edwin Encarnacion penciled in as a question mark like he was some mystery-flavor Dum-Dum. It’s because Encarnacion doesn’t really make sense for the Yankees — is he the DH? (Voit? Judge? Stanton?) 1st base? (LeMahieu) — but they’ll find room for him since he was the AL leader in home runs. Clint Frazier was sent to the minors, as he awaits a trade; this will completely kill Gio Urshela’s value, and might hurt DJ LeMahieu’s, as well. With Giancarlo and Judge returning, Gardner’s about to become the 4th outfielder, Maybin’s gonna get DFA’d and Aaron Hicks better make sure he doesn’t slump or he’s going to be benched too. Of course, all of this becomes moot when Judge, Stanton and Edwin all get hurt this week. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, as the Yankees have now homered in 19 straight games. “Why didn’t someone summon me from my grave?” The whole team homered in 19 straight, Ghost of Dale Long, but you might want to hang around for a few. It’s only a matter of time until someone’s knocking on your record.
James McCann – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 2nd straight game with a homer. “Do I haunt him?” No, Ghost of Dale Long, we’ll let you know.
Jose Abreu – 3-for-4, and his 17th homer. The power’s obviously nice, and RBIs are silly, contingent on other factors and yadda-blabbity-bloo, but Abreu’s on pace for 125 RBIs.
Zack Collins – This catching prospect will be called up by the White Sox, because Beef ‘n McCann recently had their rights rolled back by the alt-White Sox. I kid, Beef ‘n McCann needs a Bomb Collins! Zackary Tom Collins had 9 homers in Triple-A in 48 games, but a 31.7% strikeout rate, so he’ll likely hit .203. Maybe the White Sox are saying, ‘Move over Yonder,” like they’re some yodeling freak, and giving Collins the DH spot, but it seems too early to care outside of AL-Only leagues.
Kyle Hendricks – Hit the IL with right shoulder inflammation. Damn, he got shelved faster than Ben & Jerry’s Pride flavor, Up the Butterscotch. 24-year-old Adbert Alzolay is a candidate to replace Hendricks; he has a 13 K/9 and 1.7 BB/9 in Triple-A. “He is super sexy.” That’s a *pinkie to mouth* Adbertisement. Cubs could also opt for Chatwood or Mike Montgomery (boo).
Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners (1 BB), 10 Ks, ERA at 4.65. This was against a very difficult Dodgers team. According to the Streamonator, Darvish gets a juicy matchup next time, which means he will either absolutely suck and make us curse ourselves for trusting him or he will be solid. I wonder which one….it…will…be. Sorry, I’m typing so haltingly, I’m flinching from starting so many bad pitchers.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.26. Pretty solid ERA for any year. For this year? That’s like a -4.50 ERA. This is like when Babe Ruth led the league in homers with 54 and the runner-up had 19.
Jimmy Nelson – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 10.29. *rolls paper into typewriter, begins to type* “Dear Mr. Nelson, it has recently come to my attention that you say you are healthy. May I suggest an alternate theory? You are not healthyf56–” Damn it, you have to throw away the entire page because of that typo? How’d anyone ever type anything prior to computers?
Eric Thames – 2-for-4 and a slam (10) and legs (2), hitting .258. Also, in this game, Jesus Aguilar (1-for-1, hitting .201) hit his 5th homer. All we needed was a home run from Travis Shaw, so the Ghosts of Brewers Past Breakout 1st Basemen could scare the Dickens out of their past owners.
Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.77. Framb-muah, I say like a French chef blowing a kiss to a raspberry. Valdez was in Friday’s Buy, not as a Streamonator call, but as I guy I would own.
Trent Thornton – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.36. His peripherals remind me of Nick Pivetta. A chip off the old Nick. Bit wilder with his command (if you can believe it), but more strikeouts (is Thornton really like Pivetta at all?). Either way, Thornton’s next matchup is in Fenway, and you’d have to be crazy like your favorite aunt to start him.
Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. And the Teoscar for Least Owned Two-Homer Hitter goes to…Teoscar. Wait, it’s Moonlight!
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .277. Pretty sure no matter how many times I tell you to pick up Gurriel, you won’t. As anagrams dot com will tell ya, there ‘r uglier’ options.
Freddy Galvis – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting over-.300 in the last week. As The Fat Boys jumpstarted horrorcore, they once questioned, “Are you ready for Freddy?” Freddy Krueger answered, “It’s time for Freddy,” but it could’ve been Galvis, and should’ve been since Robert Englund didn’t show much rapping ability. (If you want a good laugh, Google ‘A Nightmare on My Street lawsuit’. Woo boy!)
Aaron Nola – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.89. On Saturday, Coolwhip gave us his Aaron Nola breakdown. Then Nola followed with a breakdown of his own vs. the Braves. In the preseason, I worried about Nola’s IP jump from 2017 to 2018, and how it would affect his 2019. Not sure if this is wholly, or even partially, to blame, but I’m glad I don’t own him. Of course, I have German Marquez instead, lowercase yay!
Sean Newcomb – Left after taking a Realmuto line drive off his head. Realmuto was apologetic after the game saying he thought Sean was looking for new ways to part his hair.
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .296. Tildaddy enjoyed the macaroni diorama you made for him, now get him a beer!
Mike Foltynewicz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks. The five walks are scary enough, but any guesses what his ERA is? If you wanna say 5.50, you’re too low.
Noah Syndergaard – 6 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.55, and to the IL with a hamstring strain. It’s also significant the Mets are calling this a strain, since Matt Harvey once had his arm fall off and they called it a contusion. All of this means Dr. Met will look at Syndergaard’s hammy, draw a happy face on it and try to marry it to his sister.
Paul DeJong – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .278, and three homers in the last four games. Colonel Mustard in your basement with a metal pipe!
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .262. Au Shizz!
Dakota Hudson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.55. It might be confirmation bias or some other Psych 101 term I don’t full understand, but it feels like all pitchers who I don’t trust have good ERAs, and all pitchers I trust bend me over and request I call them daddy. It’s kinda nice on Father’s Day.
Shane Bieber – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.92. This start came against the Tigers the same week Bieber challenged Tom Cruise to a MMA fight. Though, that was Justin, and Cruise is hermitically sealed in a UFO between Mission: Impossible movies, so Bieber will have to settle for his namelgänger mowing down Motown.
Trevor Bauer – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.41, and his 1st complete game shutout. “Quick team meeting, invited Indians personnel only…Okay, guys, I want you to only face the Tigers. Thanks, that’s it.”
Jason Kipnis – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I found someone with fewer home runs than David Dull! I did it! What do I win? The privilege of owning Dull? Ugh, okay, you should mention prizes up front.
Oscar Mercado – 3-for-4, 1 run, 4 RBIs and his 4th steal, and his 2nd steal in as many games. Honestly, with how many homers are hit, it might be more schmotato-ish to have steals in back-to-back games.
Ketel Marte – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 20th homer, and three homers in last two games. Just your average, slap-hitting middle infielder on pace for 50 homers.
Stephen Strasburg – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.75. Please take my poll: A) It’s better to have no pitchers at all or B) Have pitchers and bench them every day?
Anibal Sanchez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.84. I don’t know how you can afford to not own any pitcher with a sub-4 ERA. No matter how wonky. With that said (Grey’s doing a U-ey!), Streamonator hates his next start, and I don’t know how you start Sanchez without some antacid.
Anthony Rendon – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .321. No kidding, if you’re not getting at least five homers a day on your fantasy team, you’re going to lose pace within three days.
Matt Adams – 2-for-5, 7 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. This is water under the bridge at this point, but it goes to show you in deep leagues how important it is that you anticipate forthcoming changes to depth charts. I drafted Ryan Zimmerman in multiple leagues, not seeing the giant flashing red flag on his player name indicating he would soon be injured. Rookie mistake, but we’re all learning, except Black Mirror, that shizz is backsliding. You in May, “Wow, nothing could be as disappointing as the end of Game of Thrones.” Black Mirror, “Wanna bet?” What was that last episode? A Disney Channel movie? What a mess.
John Means – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.67. What Means is doing is even more remarkable because he’s doing it for the Orioles. It’s like a gas station toilet that’s never been flushed and in the middle of the toilet bowl is a palm tree, lagoon and hammock. Only once you get situated in the hammock, you realized you’re resting your head on a pile of feces.
Trey Mancini – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .310. Very specific comparison alert! Mancini has only one less homer than Abreu and 18 less RBIs. The White Sox are not a much better offensive team than the O’s. I guess it shows us how fickle ribbies are. “Did someone say pickles on McRibs?” No, Pablo Sandoval.
Mychal Givens – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.28, and his 5th blown save. Givens giveth and other teams taketh away.
Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.73. I almost streamed Alcantara, but when I went to pick him up, I started crying uncontrollably, screaming German Marquez’s name. Not sure what that means.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, and six homers in his last nine games. He will hit 35+ homers in 75 games or 150 games. Sorry, it’s just true.
Max Kepler – 4-for-6, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .276. Everyone in the Twins’s lineup has a huge offensive game, even when they lose. You think I’m kidding but Ehire Adrianza is hitting near-.500 in the last week.
Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.85. March Grey is gonna be floored when he hears this, but I wish I drafted Montas in every league.
Mallex Smith – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. He homered with a caught stealing. Slam and tackled-at-an-AYCE-buffet-trying-to-steal-a-legs?
Mike Leake – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (zero walks), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.14. He’s top 30 in the majors for K/BB. Prolly not surprising, but in the top 30 Leake is easily the worst K/9 (6.5), but his 1.5 BB/9 does a lot of heavy lifting.
Ramon Laureano – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. On the last 30 days, he has 5 homers, 5 steals and a near-.300 average. On our 30-day Player Rater, he’s a top 40 player. Okay, it’s time, A’s. Move him up the gee-dee lineup!
Andrelton Simmons – Could be activated this week. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did someone’s Grade 3 ankle sprain heal almost…inhumanly? *insert emoji with hand on chin, sipping tea, discussing conspiracy theories with the guys at the Kiwanis club*
Justin Upton – Will be activated on Monday. *intern whispers in my ear* That’s today? I was enjoying my day until you reminded me of that. Get out! You’re fired!
Brandon Lowe – 2-for-3, 2 runs, and his 15th homer, hitting .293. I like to say Lowe like I’m LL Cool J. “Cause I might go Lowe! How ya like me now? The ripper will not allow!”
Nomar Mazara – Will undergo a precautionary MRI on his hamstring. Doctor, “Everything looks great, Ramon.” “I think you’re holding it backwards.” “Oh God, that’s awful!”
Jesse Winker – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .244. Also, in this game, Yasiel Puig went 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 13th homer, hitting .231. Isn’t it funny how perception works? I’ve moved on from Winker, but I’m holding tight to Puig. Well, not haha funny obviously.
Hunter Renfroe – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer, hitting .256. A) Renfroe would be leading the AL in homers. B) Up until Friday, he was the Padres’ 4th outfielder. C) There’s no C.
German Marquez – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Rockies gave Marquez an early 11-run lead, so Marquez was simply pitching to the score. *checks self into sanitarium* I feel pretty good now. Can I have another Bloody Mary? What’s that, I’m drinking my own blood after biting my arm? Shucks, my pain receptors are totally dulled from my fantasy pitching.