Please see our player page for Mallex Smith to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.

For Mother’s Day, all MLB players use pink bats.  On Father’s Day, all bats should be painted to resemble penises.  I try to convince MLB of this every year, and every year I’m met with awkward silence.  Another Father’s Day, another year MLB didn’t take my suggestion for an, uh, equipment update.  How about they use the pink bats again, but with hanging scrotum on the knobs? They could at least call all home runs on Father’s Day “dongs,” or if the player is over the age of 35, then they’re long balls.  These are not big fixes I’m asking them to do.  So, Edwin Encarnacion took his long balls (see?!) to the Yankees (unintentional pun, but still worthwhile).  Turns out the Home Run Parrot on Edwin’s shoulder is a better agent than Kimbrel’s.  “Polly want 15%.”  This made me chuckle:  reporters on Saturday suggesting the new potential Yankees’ lineup had Edwin Encarnacion penciled in as a question mark like he was some mystery-flavor Dum-Dum.  It’s because Encarnacion doesn’t really make sense for the Yankees — is he the DH? (Voit? Judge? Stanton?)  1st base? (LeMahieu) — but they’ll find room for him since he was the AL leader in home runs.  Clint Frazier was sent to the minors, as he awaits a trade; this will completely kill Gio Urshela’s value, and might hurt DJ LeMahieu’s, as well.  With Giancarlo and Judge returning, Gardner’s about to become the 4th outfielder, Maybin’s gonna get DFA’d and Aaron Hicks better make sure he doesn’t slump or he’s going to be benched too.  Of course, all of this becomes moot when Judge, Stanton and Edwin all get hurt this week.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Chris Archer (6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.73) allowed four homers to the first five hitters he faced in the 2nd inning.  The only way things could look worse for Chris Archer and, specifically the Pirates, is if Austin Meadows hit all four homers wearing different colored sombreros.  “Hola!  I am Austin Prairieritto!”  “Hola!  I am Tijuana Meadows!”  “Hola!  I am Roberto Hernandez!”  “Hola!  Imagine my exclamation marks are in the front of my sentences but upside down!”  Okay, I’m Daffy like a duck talking about a Spanish Meadows when it was the Braves who mollywhopped Archer.  A Spanish Robert Loggia, “Archer is a pitcher that don’t throw straight.”  As I said yesterday, it’s not whether the record of four straight hitters with a home run is going to fall this year, it’s only how soon and with how many homers total.  8 straight hitters with a homer?  9?  12?  Yesterday, Brian McCann (2-for-4, 4 RBIs) hit his 4th and 5th homer, going Yardo Montalban hitting them where da plane da plane goes.  Josh Donaldson (1-for-4) hit his 9th homer, managing to control his Hulk-smash anger until the appropriate time — at the DMV.  Nick Markakis (1-for-2, 2 runs) hit his 6th homer for his 2nd Sparkakis in two days, and Ozzie Albies (1-for-3, hitting .270) hit his 10th homer, 3rd in two games.  ProContractsAreWhatWeKnow dot com said Albies earned $17.87 between homers.  Albies looks like he’s come out of his May funk, but he still has no place to move up in the lineup.  Well, maybe he can replace Austin Riley, whose average has dropped eighty points in a week.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s a pretty fruitful week for plucking some speedsters from the wire. Injuries continue to open avenues for blocked players and languishing prospects. An analyst could get excited just thinking about it.

  • If you want a speed specialist Myles Straw is your man. He did one thing well in the minors: swipe bags. If he hangs around in Houston and manages to get on base he’s an instant category boost. He isn’t likely to play every day. Though that could change if he performs or injuries linger.
  • Keon Broxton is getting yet another fresh start. I actually loved him as a late stash in a Mets outfield that had very low hurdles to playing time. The Mets gonna Mets and they chose Carlos Gomez over Broxton. It will be interesting to see if a move to Baltimore can untap some speed like it has for Jonathan Villar.
  • Mallex Smith gave us a Billy-Hamilton-Homer last week. He walked and proceed to steal second, third, and home. Smith added a fourth steal in that game as well to give you six in one week from him. There are certainly regrets over dropping him previously.
  • With Seattle hosting the Astros for four games buckle up. Bob Cheerios is bottom ten in catchers to run on. Almost every Mariner runs at least a bit.
  • The Cubs are hosting the Rockies and Yu Darvish projects to start Wednesday. Could the stars align and give us the recently recalled Garrett Hampson in the starting lineup to face him? A Hampson truther can only hope. Plenty of other Rockies can give you a stolen base that day.
  • With Jose Alvarado on family leave, there could be a chance for Emilio Pagan to snag a save or two. Tampa has been a difficult bullpen to pin down, though.

Let’s pivot to pitcher’s being run on this week. Of course a couple Mets are near the top. Darvish has shown he gives zero Fukudome’s about holding runners. It’s also surprising to see a couple of relievers on the list.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Brewers, as you likely heard, sent down Keston Hiura, which means the return of Travis Shaw, The Mayor of Ding-Dong City returns to Milkwaukee.  *sees Travis Shaw carrying a box of Ding-Dong snack cakes*  Oh!  See, the whole time I thought that meant home runs.  The nickname makes more sense now, and would’ve been good to know in the preseason. Let me hear your jubilation for manipulation of service time.  This, more than anything else, MLB really dominates. Hear that’s why MLB is the most popular sport amongst knobsticks, blacklegs and union busters. I grabbed Shaw, because he hit .235 during his rehab in the PCL, which is like hitting with aluminum bats on the moon.  No, his .235 average isn’t the reason I picked him up, it’s because I called him my preseason MVP and must wear him like a Scarlett Letter.  No, not for that reason either.  Because I had room and it was a deep league and I was like dubya tee eff.  That really is the reason.  Muy excitamente Señor Ding Dong!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Carlos Correa hit the IL with a fractured rib, and will be out three to four weeks.  He suffered the injury from a massage.  Kinda makes you respect Bob Kraft more.  Correa, “That isn’t the bone I want yanked!”  Masseuse, “That is called The Bulgarian Tickler.”  You’d think a Correa’n could handle an Oriental massage. Or maybe we should be asking which Cardinals exec was working undercover as a masseuse?  This is why I just sit in a Brookstone chair for 45 minutes or until a store employee asks me to leave.  When Correa is picked 120-ish in 2020, he’s gonna be a bargain!  The Astros said to replace Correa and the already injured, Aledmys Diaz, they will go with Jack Mayfield and Myles Straw.  More like Jack Junefield!  Amiright?!  I need a nap.  *shuts eyes for five seconds, claps hands*  I’m back!  Mayfield’s tearing shizz up in the minors (10 HRs, .938 OPS), but the Prospectonator is meh on him.  As for Myles Straw, aka the Straw that stirs the Myles, looks like he has blazing speed and might hit .220 with no playing time. As a dolphin might sing at karoake, “STRAW! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!” Now bring up Kyle Tucker aka Crush Hour!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The last time anything this exciting came from a Reds’ DD was Kevin Mitchell in 1994 when demonstrating his barehanded catch on Morganna. Yesterday, Derek Dietrich went 3-for-4, 6 RBIs with his 15th, 16th and 17th homers. To add insult to injury, it came against the Pirates, who earlier this year he homered off of, which sparked a benches-clearing brawl because of how he was lallygagging around the bases.  For yesterday’s home runs, Dietrich would not be outdone.  For his first home run, he tagged Ric Flair and had him WOOOOOOOO around the bases. A totally legal maneuver, says in the rulebook.  For his 2nd homer, he stood on the shoulders of a bear on roller skates and skated around the bases.  Then, not to be topped, for his third home run, the PA announcer played porn music and Dietrich stopped at every base and mimed sexual acts with the Pirates infielders. So disrespectful to the game!  Ex-Marlin Dietrich has 17 homers, the entire Marlins team has 36 homers.  *lays on the floor, rolls around, laughing* If only there was an acronym for that.  If you drafted Dietrich, Bellinger and Yelich (a totally reasonable possibility), please drop by the comments so I can bathe in your glow.  As for Dietrich, reminds me of Scooter’s breakout a few years ago. Not sure if Dietrich gets to 30+ homers–Excuse me, I should say I’m not sure if he gets to 30 homers by the All-Star break.  Speaking of which, vote Derek Dietrich for the All-Star Game so he can do a three-day home trot. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I hope everyone’s Memorial Day was filled with hot dogs, hamburgers, fireworks that were meant to be saved until July 4th but were blown off yesterday so close to your ear that you still have a ringing, and all the other red-white-blue American things one hears backstage at a Larry The Cable Guy concert.  My Memorial Day was filled with eating and burping and farting and wearing an American flag t-shirt, but that’s every Monday.  Eat a D, ISIS!  Yesterday, Gerrit Cole loved the troops more than most starters, posting a line of 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.02.  Woke SpongeBob, “Yo, dem high-ranked starters are da bomb dot org.”  Yo, WSB, you don’t sound so woke.  “Go f–k yourself.”  Wow, WSB, is lit!  Cole’s peripherals: 14.1 K/9, 2.3 BB/9, 2.22 xFIP and is technically the number one starter in all of baseball if his luck was neutral. Don’t love trading for a top starter, but it’s hard to find a better buy low right now, due to his ERA.  He could rattle off 120 innings of a sub-1 ERA.  That’s Murica thru & thru.  Not spelling shizz out is Murica too.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Braves called up Austin Riley this week, which is news to the guy in your league who went into shock when he realized he drafted Travis Shaw, Ender Inciarte and Rougned Odor in all leagues.  That person sounds suspiciously like me.  The Braves sharted Super Two Status as one might shart it when they can just sign Riley to a ten-year deal worth $45,000 annually.  As someone who is paid in pennies from advertisers, that sounds pretty Eflin good.  If you notice in the video at the top of this post, Riley is Anime Grey’s Buy, and that needs to be animated about a week ahead of time, so I was thinking about this Buy for some time now.  I was spurred on by Prospect Mike’s Austin Riley post last Sunday, when he alerted me that the Braves began to play Riley in the outfield.  As they say in any rest stop bathroom, the writing’s on the wall and someone’s about to get it in the rear, Ender.  In Triple-A, Riley hit 15 homers in only 37 games (144 ABs), and looks capable of 30+ homers in the majors.  Even the conservative-with-rookies Steamer projects him for 25 homers on the Prospectonator.  Ender might return at some point; Riley could slump; your degree from a liberal arts college where you majored in Wingdings font could be helpful, but for now Ender’s garbage; Riley should be owned; and you’re only qualified to work at Buffalo Wild Wings.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

MLB owners decided not signing free agents was too obvious. Everyone can see that in plain-sight. Passing around a championship belt that says you’ve spent the least on free agents? Too on the nose! So, MLB owners got together and decided en masse the best way to manipulate the market is to promote prospects and milk them for a few years at their minimum, then let someone else pay them for their services or lock them down to a big contract when they’re very young for pennies on the dollar of their actual worth. Crazy or crazy like a fox?  So, Brendan Rodgers was called up yesterday at like 5 AM my time, and, then when I woke up at 7 AM, I promptly grabbed Br. Rodgers in all but one league to find out about a half of a cup of coffee later I now owned Brady Rodgers, a relief pitcher on the Astros.  Anyone know what his stuff looks like?  True Story Alert (after the last true story that was given without an alert)! I already had Austin Riley and Brendan Rodgers featured predominantly in my Friday Buy that’s coming later today.  Planned it out on Monday of this week, figuring I could tell you to pick them up before they were called up next week.  Comic book graphic of being wrapped in Reynolds Wrap as I scream, “FOILED!” On the Prospectonator, which ranks and projects all rookies, Rodgers is ranked 4th for all rookies.  The 1st two are Vlad Jr. and Senzel, and the third is The Boss.  With Hampson demoted, I’d guess the Rockies give Rodgers a long leash as he plays 2nd, and he might not need said leash.  He could click immediately, and be a fixture on the Rockies’ infield like Story and Arenado were before him.  He should be owned in every league.  For what it’s Werth, Rudy thinks Rodgers could just be insurance for Trevor Story, but I think Ryan McMahon is done.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’ve never been that high on Corey Seager. Back in February I only had him ranked 52nd on this list. Back then I said, “A 25-HR bat with a .300 average? That’s not bad — but boy if he could even just manage 10 stolen bases I’d like him more.” Seager owners are probably begging for a 20 HR bat with a .250 average at this point. Long term? I think he’ll be more Corey Seager 2016 than Kyle Seager 2018. I still worry about that power cap and complete lack of speed though.

Please, blog, may I have some more?