Aroldis Chapman tested positive for Covid and has mild symptoms. Aroldis was reading a radar gun, when he said, “Damn, I haven’t thrown 101 in so long,” then he realized he wasn’t reading a radar gun. This is not great news. Zack/Zach Britton would fill in if Aroldis can’t get back on the field in time for Re-Opening Day. (I’m trying to make Re-Opening Day happen. Is it obvious/working?) I’m hesitant about moving Aroldis down in my rankings, because he only needs — what, two throwing sessions to be ready? Seems like he could be back by Re-Opening Day, or maybe a day or two past Re-Opening Day or three days past Re-Opening Day (is it a thing yet?).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball:

Luke Voit – Lost 13 pounds in quarantine. In related news, Luke Voit’s wife can’t cook worth a sh*t.

Buster Posey – Opted out. Oh, damn, that’s too ba–JOEY BART SZN! *dons Hazmat suit, drives to post office, goes in and requests 4.5 million postcards be mailed out reading JOEY BART SZN, screams through Hazmat suit mask but no one can understand a word I’m saying, grabs a piece of paper and writes out my request, post office pushes button, streamers fall* “Someone just bought 2.5 million dollars worth of stamps! We’re saved!” I jot down on a piece of paper, “I only have five bucks.” *streamers stop* Okay, so I wasn’t able to send out as many congratulatory postcards announcing the birth of Joey Bart as I would’ve liked, but this will have to do. On the reals, I ranked Joey Bart in my top 20 catchers and added him into my top 500 with much excitement, then I heard Rob Brantly would likely start; I saw Bart’s 60-game projections of 11/3/10/.264, and I made the Larry David meh face. Either way, here’s my Joey Bart sleeper from during the shutdown, but the Giants have already said they like how Rob Brantly looks in the everyday catcher role. The Rob Brantley who averages two homers a year in a 162-game season. Guess when you compare him to the rest of the Giants’ lineup, he’s in an seven-way tie for their 2nd best hitter.

Billy Hamilton – Hit the IL, which sucks for me, because I own him and Hamilton actually could steal 30 bags in 60 games (if he gets hit by 30 pitches). By the way, you know what’s a dead give away on Covid positive tests? Literally no one has any other injuries! And, if someone is being IL’d for literally anything else, they say it. This is a chef’s kiss after sipping on Classic Coke.

Devin Mesoraco – Retired and joined U-Pitt’s coaching staff. He seems like a better fit at U-Gly.

Michael Kopech – Opted out for the season. Will have to save my Shark Tank idea, which is a scale that subtracts three pounds for clothes, for next year since I need a *pinkie to mouth* Kopech’er.

Yoan Moncada – Hit the IL with nothing, which is code for Covid. Buh-buh-buh-buh-BUT he’s my preseason AL MVP choice! Guess I’ll have to go back to old standby Travis Shaw. Not a bad idea, tee bee aitch. So, I haven’t moved Moncada in my rankings, because I honestly have no idea how long he’ll be out, but this isn’t great, obvi.

Isaac Paredes – Hit the IL with what I’d guess is Covid, since nothing else was mentioned. I love a Paredes, but not like this. Hopefully, he’s better quickly, so he can get in the lineup. Here’s my Isaac Paredes sleeper from during the shutdown. Also, IL’d for the Tigers with no specified reason: Daz Cameron, Alex Faedo and Sergio Alcantara. How exactly are the Tigers hazing their rookies?

Joey Gallo – Cleared to rejoin team. Gallo said, “I will return to avoiding all contact.”

Cam Gallagher – Tested positive for Covid. Gallagher hopes he smashes those next tests.

Yasiel Puig – Could sign with the O’s. In a normal year, a big free agent signing with the O’s would be surprising, but in 2020 my floor for surprise is way up.

Richie Martin – Broken bone in his wrist, leaving him to wince through a rendition of Livin’ La Vida Broken. Just guarantee Austin Hays a starting job, you absolute ghouls.

Shohei Ohtani – Dealing with a stiff back. His owners have a stiff front. Unrelated, of course.

Franklin Barreto – Billy Beane said, while his hand was up Bob Melvin’s butt and moving his lips, the A’s will use multiple guys at 2nd base.

Brian Johnson – Candidate for the Red Sox 4th starter job. When did the Red Sox become a small market team without a pitching staff?

Mallex Smith – Hasn’t been at camp yet for undisclosed reasons. Hmm…I wonder what that is! In 100% related news, my Kyle Lewis sleeper.

Trent Thornton – Charlie Montoyo, you kill my father prepare to die-slash-Jays manager said, Thornton is penciled into the 5th starter spot. That’s a weird way to spell Nate Pearson.

Chase Anderson – Has an oblique strain. I have him ranked in the 450s overall in my top 500, so, ya know, bleh. Will wait for more information, but an oblique strain would just about finish him for the year if it’s bad. Nate Pearson, babycakes, you back in the picture!

Lourdes Gurriel – Still hasn’t appeared at camp. It’s no coincidence that ‘Lisa Simpson grumble’ shares many of the same letters as Lourdes Gurriel.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – Will play 1B and DH, exclusively (assuming everyone stays healthy). Travis Shaw will play 3rd base and win the MVP.

Kenley Jansen – Arrived at summer camp on Sunday, after missing the first ten days with, well, ya know. But he’s good now with dem sweet, sweet antibodies.

Mike Moustakas – Lost 12 pounds during quarantine. Moisttightasskiss! In related news, Moustakas is using a meal delivery service that Luke Voit’s wife started.

Tommy Pham – Tested negative twice and is back out there. Pham said, “I took Vitamin D and got a lot of sun.” Later, Pham revealed he’s sponsored by Sunny D.

Brian Dozier – Released by the Padres. Jayce Tingler, Padres manager and sex toy, calls Dozier into his office:  “Hey, man, listen, we’re not gonna be able to find room for you.” Brian, “But rosters are 60-man deep and there’s a worldwide pandemic knocking guys out every day.” “Yeah, it’s just not gonna happen.”

Josh Reddick – Dusty said Reddick will be the RF starter. In other news, water is wet and taco diarrhea burns. Sorry, Kyle Tucker, but the last time Dusty played a rookie it was his son as a bat boy.