My, my, my my hitters can’t hit so hard! Makes me say, “Oh my Lord!” Thank you for blessing me, but please! I didn’t sneeze! Okay, okay, OKAY! Let’s bask like a Spanish omelette (that might be Basque) in Kenta Maeda. Yesterday, was nearly the best start of the year until Taylor Rogers did the doo-doo after being told “don’t do doo-doo.” Maeda went 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.27. By the by, you can see all the top 100 starts of the year under that linkiemajiggies. (I say ‘nearly’ because that page updates after the start, and Rogers blew his win.) I called Maeda a sleeper for a good four months this preseason. Here’s a brief snippet of me back in February, “Traded to the Twins, because all, and I mean, all things I touch turn to gold. *touches lamé jumper* I’m Beyonce, snitches! This can’t be bad for Maeda. If you want, like, actually facts, fine. Maeda’s about to be a top 20 starter.” Then I went on for about 1500 words across five different starter sleeper posts about Maeda’s swinging strike rate and how much I loved Maeda. If you didn’t draft him, that is really more on you. You could’ve touched him, now you Kenta’d. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Corbin Burnes – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Wait, are you saying Burnes is better than Eric Lauer? Really? Wow, shocking. Way to read the room, Counsell.

Starlin Castro – Out for the year, after having wrist surgery. He had a pin inserted. In the clubhouse, he’ll have The Hurt Locker.

Cristian Pache – Called up by the Braves. So, just the other day, Prospect Itch gave you his latest prospect stash list, and Pache was right there (with Mize, Skubal, K*bert– yo, is Itch psychic?). In his Braves prospect list, he ranked Pache 2nd, and mentioned how he was caught 11 times in 19 steal attempts. That is legitimately hilarious, since Pache runs like the wind. (Good wind, not your uncle’s wind.) There’s concern Pache could get a .380 BABIP, and still barely scrap out a .250 average, and he obviously doesn’t know what’s coming or going for stealing bases. “So, I run to 2nd base and not back to 1st like a shuttle run?” That’s Pache jotting down notes. In one league where I needed steals (lost Bichette), I grabbed Pache, but he might only be up until this weekend when Acuña hopefully returns.

Josh Tomlin – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.35. Wait until the Braves find out they have Ian Anderson.

Matt Harvey – Was added to the Royals’ major league roster and to the players’ “Don’t go near my wife” list.

Tarik Skubal – 2 IP, 4 ER. Well, he looked a little better than the line. I mean, marginally. Not helping, is it? Yeah, didn’t think so. Season’s too short, move on quickly and try to find someone else.

Dylan Cease – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.16. I’m not being daft. His peripherals look atrocious. Wanna stream? Fine. Streamonator loved last night’s start for him, and hates his next one. Wanna go against the robot? You’re on your own.

Justin Verlander – Played catch on Monday. I get that he doesn’t want surgery, but you know next year in March he’s going to say, “I feel 100%, I’m ready to go,” then need surgery within two weeks of that. You just know this is happening.

Yordan Alvarez – Hit the IL with knee discomfort. Ever see the size of this guy? His knees aren’t the problem; everything above them is. Dude needs tree trunks under his hips.

Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.84 vs. Antonio Senzatela – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.90. This matchup was billed as, “A man with few words vs. A man with few nice words said about him.” Since Senzatela — Sincetela? — is likely unknown to many, he’s a guy with a 95 MPH fastball, four pitches, and a slider that is most interesting. His ground ball tendencies (50%) and command (1.5 BB/9) are what stand out. Can I recommend him outside of NL-Only? I can barely recommend him in Antonio-Only leagues.

Dylan Bundy – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.48. The Regression Fairies find your taste in slacks questionable and they will crush your ratios.

Tommy La Stella – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games and third mention of him in three days and smoke is escaping through my ears can’t stop for punctuation why haven’t you picked him up yet are you a mystery-flavored Dum-Dum lollipop?

Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. On our Player Rater, any guesses where Yaz Jr. Jr. is? Okay, no idea what you just guessed but I’m gonna say you’re about 50-75 spots lower than you should be.

Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. After he homered, it was reported that, due to rounding the bases, Sandoval was now in the best shape of his life.

Jose Iglesias – Hit the IL with a strained quadriceps. What a weird thing to find in a colander.

Anthony Santander – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. “With the first pick of the 2021 fantasy draft, I take Anthony Wakanda…” Whispers to friend, “Is that his last name?”

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Who is your father who tells you all the perfect pickups? Is it I? Have I birthed your giant balding head and mismatched socked feet? Yes, I have.

Nate Pearson – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.61. Life’s too short and so his Altuve’s career without trash can bangs. Get rid of Pearson.

Frankie Montas – 1 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 4.74. The Regression Fairies are taking a twerking Zoom exercise class and they will destroy your ratios.

Luke Weaver – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 9.16. This guy got dumped in all my leagues recently — even a 12-team NL-Only — and I tried to pick him up, but, alas, I failed you. Please don’t let it be a reflection on what we shared from across the internet with no actual real personal interaction. Streamonator likes Weaver’s next start too, and I’d get in, if I could.

Nick Ahmed – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs, and his 3rd homer, hitting .275. Sure, Dr. Nick is out-slugging Eduardo Escobar, but who’s fault is that? Wait, that’s Escobar’s fault. Right. That’s obvious.

Kole Calhoun – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. People are still asking if they should pick up Calhoun about five homers in a week after I told people to pick him up. You waiting for a game 61 tie-breaker?

David Peterson – Hit the IL with shoulder fatigue. Mets are undefeated with the worst luck. Filling in for Peterson will be Corey Oswalt (4 1/3 IP, 2 ER). Previously, Oswalt was most famous for killing JFK.

J.D. Davis – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say Jonathan Davis Davis was more Just Dong than Just Dong.

Brandon Nimmo – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .253. In August, he’s hitting–Kidding. Short season joke.

Zach Eflin – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.14 vs. Zack Godley – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 6.87. Zaxxon is a shoot-em up game. Same as when you put the Zach/ks on.

Bryce Harper – 2-for-5,  2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (4), hitting .367. There’s guys who are becoming George Clooneys carved out of sticks of butter right in front of our eyes this year like Tatis, so it’s hard to focus on everyone, but Bryce hasn’t been bad at all. Though, just hitting against any Red Sox pitcher feels like it’s breaking some unwritten rule.

Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .214. “This wheelbarrow is really heavy. Is it possible to just prop Hoskins against a tree and wait for wolves–Wait a second! Hoskins just moved his arm!”

Mallex Smith – Optioned to alternate training site. Maybe that will work like two negatives equaling a positive. “Here, at the alternate training site, we teach you how to swing backwards.” Mallex swings backwards and hits a line drive on his backswing. Frank Voila!

Marco Gonzales – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.34. Welp, that’s a start that’s gonna make me look at his stats. One second please. *Looks at Marco Gonzales’s stats, which leads me to Google origin of Marco Polo pool game four and half hours later* What the hell was I doing? Oh yeah, Gonzales. Elite command, weak sauce velocity and Ks. Solid matchups guy for the Streamonator.

Tony Gonsolin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (zero walks), 3 Ks, ERA at 0.00. Daddy Yankee sings Gasolina, but Tony’s a Dodger. You are now Daddy Dodger, and I’m in. Don’t need to see anything else. Well, I’d like to know who he’s facing for his next start. He does have a next start, right? Eff it! Will figure that out later. I’m in. Give me all those Daddy Dodger shares.

Carlos Carrasco – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.71. His perfs (that’s what the kids call ’em) look decent enough. The results are iffy, but I’d be buying low, if an owner was pushing away Cookie yelling, “Diabeetus,” like Wilford Brimley. RIP, you big lug.

Carlos Santana – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .194. This homer came in the 1oth. A home run with a free man on 2nd base feels so pointless. Way to ruin baseball, Manfred, you ghoul!

Ian Happ – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .313. You know who I have more shares of than prolly any other hitter? Ian Happ! So, don’t come in the comments and tell me I don’t appreciate him. (I 100% didn’t appreciate how well he was doing. I mean, I knew he wasn’t awful, but I hadn’t realized how purdy his OBP was.)

Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.80. I need to just move on, because it bums me out so much that we didn’t get to see Yu for six months. Not you you, silly! Though, it is nice to see you. Is that a new hairstyle you’re doing with your eyebrows?

Brendan McKay – Will have season-ending shoulder surgery. The herbathrowdite is becoming almost as endangered as the flat-billed pitchypus.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .337. B. Lowe? Everyone else in the league. (Ignore that it reads “Be Lau.” Or use that interpretation and think of him becoming one with Charley Lau.) Anyone floating on clouds rostering Lowe? I wanted to, but put ‘want’ in one hand and Lowe in the other hand, and who are you Lou Ferrigno putting a grown-ass man in your hand?

Austin Meadows – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .271. Cute watching the Rays and Yanks play each other, ignoring the giant Oriole in the division that’s flossing with worms, watching and waiting.

Blake Snell – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.00. I’ll be honest, didn’t think Snell’s ERA was that good, but just looked at his player page (you click any player’s name and get there), and I would’ve taken the over on his IP. What’s he on pace for, 45 IP? That’s a woof from me, dawg.

Gary Sanchez – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .138. At some point after he got hit in the junk drawer, he must’ve decided he was going to hit homers and nothing else.

Luke Voit – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Easily the Yanks’ biggest power bat right now. That’s not controversial. So, where does Boone hit him? Leadoff! Everyone in that lineup besides Sanchez makes more sense hitting leadoff. Incredible.

Masahiro Tanaka – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.60. If he played for any other team, you’d never even consider rostering him. You’d be like, “Should I go Zach Davies or Tanaka in my 20-team league?”

Jurickson Profar – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .203. I don’t mind this guy, but there’s others I *pinkie to mouth* Profar.

Drew Pomeranz – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER as he entered in the 7th inning. I was the first one to get to waivers for possible Padres closers, Stammen or Pagan, and I looked at them for one beat, two beats, three beats — one having a 5 K/9 and one a 5 BB/9 — and I passed. I didn’t even look at Cal Quantrill (1/3 IP, 0 ER) who actually got the save.

Wil Myers – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .286. The background on my Zoom calls is me handing the MVP trophy to Wil Myers and him rightfully pointing out that he already won the 2020 NL MVP during our last Zoom call. It’s very meta.

Joey Gallo – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .214. Too big bad calls this year from me so far were loving Mercado and hating Gallo. Both of which in retrospect were avoidable. Once we saw Mercado was barely hitting 9th in March, and Gallo had an extra few months to recover from his wrist injury, it should’ve been obvious. Gallo is still an 0-for-4 from hitting .190 though. Yes, even when I admit mistakes, I undercut them. So?

Mike Minor – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.94. Last year, the Rangers dropped a third out so Mike Minor could get one more out by strikeout, so he could get 200 Ks. This year The Playing It The Right Way Gods have smitten Minor to an awful year. This is why you never double-cross unwritten rules. You can’t ignore them by saying you just didn’t read them. No one has, they’re unwritten! Seriously, all the nonsense about unwritten rules and Tatis swinging on a 3-0 pitch is such utter BS. Unwritten rules are unwritten because everyone thought those rules were too stupid to write down. Then Jayce Tingler throwing Tatis under the bus is the absolute capper. Wanna talk about unwritten rules? Okay, fine. The 1st unwritten rule is a manager should have one of his player’s backs! Tingler can eff all the way off.