Dusty Baker, making an art of not saying a player has Covid while saying a player has Covid, hired an airplane to drag a banner in the sky proclaiming, “Yordan Alvarez is out for an unspecified amount of time for an unspecified reason.” Then another plane flew past with the banner, “Read the context clues here, guys.” Dusty Baker has the most subtle touch with Covid, and that’s why I love him. Unless it’s not really Covid and Yordan just has something else mysterious. MLB should hire Scooby and his Gang (but not Scrappy, he can get f*cked) to try to figure out all these mysterious IL stints. Maybe the league isn’t haunted, but it’s some old-timey guy with a top hat who is just trying to live in one of the stadiums without being hassled. So, Yordan Alvarez hit the IL and this is now me expressing full-throated concern. I moved him down in my top 100, top 500 and top 20 outfielders. Hopefully, he’s okay and can get back out there quickly, but he seems assured to miss the start of the season. This might just be the opening Kyle Tucker needs to get everyday at-bats, which is what we say right as Dusty Baker names Aledmys Diaz the DH. I kid. Kinda. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:

Jose Urquidy – Hit the IL with a wink-wink-nudge-nudge-overhead-airplane-banner-from-Dusty Baker.

Delino DeShields – Hit the IL again with no explanation. No explanation is actually the explanation. This is either terrible or completely obvious, depending on your math. See, Delino needed to test negative twice to return from the IL on Saturday, which he did, but two negatives is obviously a positive. I don’t want to write a doomsday novel here, so I will keep it brief. If players are testing negative, rejoining team, then testing positive, the tests are faulty and this is not going to work.

Freddie Freeman – Doing much better, but still no timetable for his return, or if he will return at all. *Freeman’s fantasy owners prepping a Tommen-like drop from the (White) Castle window*

Patrick Sandoval – Tested positive on June 22nd, and is doing much better, throwing a bullpen session on Sunday. What’s the Vegas odds that Pablo Sandoval throws more IP this year than Patrick?

Jordan Hicks – Opted out. *rubs gloved hands together* Now it gets interesting! Ryan Helsley was mentioned by the Cards’ GM as a potential closer if Giovanny Gallegos can’t go and, right now, he can’t go, so I moved Helsley way up in my top 500 and plopped Gallegos into a potential closer share with him. Could both get canceled out by C-Mart? I suppose like any great suppository, but the GM saying Helsley is pretty telling — Tellsley? Hmm, that’s bad.

Charlie Blackmon – Arrived at camp, or as my Jewish friends call camp, “Where I went to be mocked for my black underwear and lack of kayaking ability.” I hadn’t moved Blackmon down in my rankings, so we good.

Christian Walker – Diagnosed with a groin strain. Why can’t we have anything nice? Real World/Road Rules contestant and D-Backs manager, Torey Lovullo, said he’s hopeful Walker is ready for Re-Opening Day. So am I, Torey. So am I.

Howie Kendrick – Hasn’t arrived at camp yet. I feel an opt-out coming from Howie, but that’s pure speculation. Kieboom goes the spec market!

Mallex Smith – Arrived at camp. Okay, but Kyle Lewis has hit five homers in eight at-bats, and Frankie Goes to Hollywood doesn’t sing Mallex, but Relax, Smith.

Byron Buxton – Carted off the field, hurting his leg on a catch. Bad news: Byron Buxton is hurt. Good news: It’s not truly a baseball season without Byron Buxton getting hurt. I haven’t moved Buxton yet in my rankings, because I haven’t heard the extent of the injury, but the Twins are optimistic, which means only what, 60-day IL?

Jesus Luzardo – Hasn’t been cleared to rejoin team. I have him projected for 39 IP, and, honestly, I can’t tell if that’s with or without me docking him playing time. Is 39 IP a full season, Fantasy Baseball Overlord? FBO, “Stop bothering me with nonsense.” Oh…*hikes to top of Half Dome*…kay.

Lourdes Gurriel – Arrived at camp. Thank you, Jesus! Not you, Luzardo, you’re still on my shizzlist.

Chase Anderson – Has an oblique strain. Originally, I left him in my rankings, but, upon reflection, which started like this, “Hey, reflection, what is cookin’ good lookin’?” And ended with me removing Anderson from my top 100 starters. It’s Nate Pear-SZN!

Zack Godley – Released by the Tigers. The Tigers’ roster is officially unGodley.