Throwing a 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks game against the 1927 Twins by Lucas Giolito can mean only one thing, today, we celebrate Lucas Giolito’s Star Mitzvah! Mazel tov! Here’s a check for $18. Many blessings from your bubbeleh. But, oy, it’s hot in here, can we turn on the fan? Forget the electric bill for one day, it’s a Star Mitzvah! Your uncle, Shlomo, didn’t retire to Boca Raton and leave me with the money he won from scratch-off tickets so I can’t turn on the fan once in a while. Guys and five girl readers, Giolito is a legend. Who isn’t a Giolito fan? (Besides the Streamonator; why the long face, tin can head?) I’ve already given you my Lucas Giolito 2020 fantasy too, that’s what a legend he is. This is his 2nd insane game this month, and, brucely, it’s more fun to revel in great pitching performances this year than the 400th three-homer game. Last time, I said Giolito would be a top 15 starter. Now I’m starting to think I was being too low. Dude’s so lit he’s got that shizz in his last name! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Joey Votto – Expected back on Sunday. Terrific news if you’ve been living in a cave for five months and think this is terrific news.
Jose Iglesias – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .295 and in the two hole. Also, in this game, Raisel Iglesias recorded his 26th save. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the most religious game since the 2007 Nats’ Ryan Church and Cristian Guzman’s fates aligned with Jesus Colome.
Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.04. You look at Castillo’s peripherals (3.73 FIP) and you’re slightly underwhelmed, but then you see him throw some of his pitches and you are full-on whelmed. You are whelming in your pants and standing with your front side towards a corner you are embarrassed at how whelmed you are.
Francisco Mejia – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .272. His 1st and third at-bat yesterday are perfect examples of what makes baseball so great. He struck out in his 1st AB looking as bad as a hitter can look, then homered in his 3rd at-bat. “Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer. And, if I die, wrap my head in a snowball.”
Jon Gray – Fractured foot ends his season. Now he’s trying to figure out if he needs surgery. Great, someone else is debating healthcare.
Tim Melville – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks in his 4th career start as a 29-year-old Quad-A player. But, yesterday, Melville with a whale of a start! *shuts book that I was reading, cover reads, “Dad Jokes For Every Occasion”* Pretty solid read.
Mike Leake – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.77. Like when you’re in a kiddie pool with a bunch of floating drinks, I picked a bad time to stream a Leake.
Brian McCann – Hit the IL with a knee sprain. Lucky they have Flowers to fill-in McCann (hehe).
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer, and his billionth caught stealing trying to get 30 steals. Love, love, lurve Tildaddy. Praise heaped on him like a pornucopia of sex gadgets, but he’s trying so hard for his 30th steal that I’m A) Loving it, because he wants to get us fantasy value and B) Not loving it, because at some point the Braves are gonna be like, “Stop running, fool, you keep getting caught.” C) There’s no C.
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.53. Teheran’s usual MIA stuff looked IA vs. MIA, get lost!
Caleb Smith – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.82. Between him and Paddack, my pitching boner has gone limp. Might need some gas station boner pills. By the way, did you hear this yesterday? Report came (bad word) out that players are getting busted for PEDs this year, due to gas station boner pills. Seriously, ESPN reported that players who are taking over-the-counter Viagra pills are testing positive. Tim Beckham feels so seen right now. Tim Beckham, “I wined and dined her on gas station sushi and Four Loko and we were feeling amorous.” Then, Goose Gossage added, “When we were in the league, our sexual enhancement was brushback pitches and bunts.”
Marcus Stroman – 4 IP, 1 ER, but left with a tight hamstring. More like a tight pigletstring. I mean, he’s only 5′ 4″.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 30th homer, hitting .291. Having your standard 33-year-old breakout season. Oye como Zombino!
Willie Calhoun – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .295 The Rangers screwed me good when they benched him in one random game earlier this week and I rage-dropped him. He’s hitting around .500 since then with multiple homers.
Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.17. He had a 1/23 ERA in August in 22 IP, prior to this start, after a rocky July, a superb June, a great May–Okay, you can look at his player page yourself, if you’re interested.
Brandon Morrow – Suffered a setback with his elbow and will miss the rest of the season. Backdate this to July of last year.
Nicholas Castellanos – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer and 3rd straight 1st-inning homer. The Greek God of Hard Contact delicately picks a gravy fry from the plate, winds up and hits the Heinz bottle 420 feet! He hit it on the 57!
Yu Darvish – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.43. But he didn’t walk anyone. Lowercase yay!
Mike Yastrzemski – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 7th homer in 11 games, hitting .282. Not sure what I was waiting up until yesterday, but I grabbed him in my shallowest league and now I’m riding the Polish lightning and calling it thunder!
Adrian Houser – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.62. Okay, Streamonator hates him, but I’m going in on Houser in all of my leagues, until further notice. His 9.3 K/9, 3.1 BB/9 are more than ownable.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer. Moistasskiss!
J.A. Happ – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.58. Just Awful is aptly named. Has he had one good start this year?
Khris Davis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. It’s an early Khristmas miracle!
Marcus Semien – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .273. In one league where I’ve been in 1st on and off all year, I drafted Semien and have owned him all year. Wanna win? Gotta go with the money shot.
Will Smith – 1-for4 and his 12th homer, his 6th homer in the last seven games. He has 12 homers in only 28 games! Ya know, the ol’ 60-homer pace.
Patrick Corbin – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.17. His preseason price was so right on with his actual value, and attainable, even if you’re like me and don’t draft top starters. I know this, because I own Corbin in a few leagues. Wish I grabbed him in every league, instead of my stupid Nazi in Exile crush.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Asdrubal is the type to get goofy hot for a week or two. However, he is in a platoon. Though, not with Wilmer Difo.
Joe Musgrove – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.74. Pirates’ pitching coach, Ray Searage, said this was a decent game because Musgrove pitched to contact and only threw 84 pitches. Saving his arm for more bad pitching!
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .278. Due to the Orioles, I bet Villar is underrated again next year for how valuable he actually is. You get an O’s discount. They pay you back in Cashner.
Anthony Santander – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer. Now has done almost all of his damage in the 2nd half, but, in recent games, he hasn’t been so hot (.038 in the last week).
John Hicks – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer. When searching for catcher bats in fantasy over the last week with the most hits who were available in my 15-team league, I saw John Hicks, and I nearly replace Tom Murphy with him. This was Saturday, before Tom Murphy Ruth was born.
Justin Verlander – 9 IP, 2 ER, 2 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.77, and took the loss vs. the Tigers. In the last 12 years, this was the 5th biggest upset in baseball betting (according to lines). Someone in Vegas bet $63,250 on the Astros to win $11,000, and someone else bet $55,000 to win $10,000. Can empathize, I bet $5 for Travis Shaw to win the NL MVP.
Robinson Chirinos – 4-for-4 and his 14th homer. Uh-oh, Chirinos! Is it me or are all catchers hotter cumulatively than any other position? Not to answer, but to ruminate.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 27th, hitting .254, and has seemed more locked-in with Charlie Manuel as the Phils’ hitting coach. Charlie Manuel just needed to instill this wisdom, “Why do scarecrows wear overalls?” Off everyone’s puzzled looks, Charlie continued, “I’m not being philosophical, I’d like to borrow a well-dressed scarecrow’s outfit.”
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting near-.315 in the last week, two homers in two games and four homers in the last seven games. Hot schmotato alert!
Matt Magill – 0 IP, 2 ER and the loss, ERA at 4.54. Who could’ve ever predicted someone named Matt Magill would suck as a closer? The good news is Matt Magill is not the actor who starred opposite of Ed Burns in his early films. The bad news is I’m not 100% sure of the good news.
Daniel Vogelbach – 1-for-3 and his 28th homer. The Jelly Donut of Swat is having the most snoozefesty 30-homer season. When you pick him up off waivers, he should come with a free pillow.
Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and a slam (13) and legs (19). Damn, was so close to making him a batty call yesterday. My batty call didn’t turn out bad, I must confess, going to Iglesias.