Reyes Ain’t No Fran Of The Mil Padre Outfielder

We gonna talk about Lil’ Wayne’s favorite baseball player, “Franmil mil mil mil mil…mil mil, a mil.” Much to chagrin of the former Padres’ outfielder and Missy Elliott’s favorite player, “Matt Sczrczrczr,” or as she would say, “nac uoy eveileb eh saw reve a gniht Sczrczrczr my skizzard.” Franmil Reyes looks like a cross between Kyle Blanks and a vending machine that dispenses steaks. “Damn, I thought this was the crappy hot chocolate vending machine and now I just got charged $54 for a T-bone.” That’s someone getting a vending machine steak. Yesterday, Franmil Reyes did what he’s been known/capable of — blasting two, loud $54 vending machine T-bones into orbit, ending the night 3-for-4 with his 7th and 8th homer. He’s now on pace for 40 homers. Greek chorus, “Who isn’t?!” Okay, GC, but Franmil can get to 40 homers, unlike, say, Tommy La Stella.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cal Quantrill – Expected to be called up for a spot start today. Some have said he has fantasy number two upside, some who call themselves Quants. Quants that are trill, likely. He looks like a low-8 K/9, number 3-4 eventually, but as a spot starter, and his lack of success recently in the minors, you can ignore.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – Hit the 10-day IL with the splits.

Chris Paddack – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.91. I’m a full-on Paddack fanboy. A Pad-guy, so to speak, but he didn’t have his best stuff yesterday, and still did work.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .252. As awful as Hosmer has been, and he’s been awful, he’s running laps around Kris Bryant.

Josh Donaldson – Out with a sore calf. Donaldson is a magician who can turn a day-to-day injury into a three-month IL stint.

Nick Senzel – Reports have him coming up on Friday. Or some time soon after. I’m adding the “some time soon after.” Just trying not to be over-Senzelous. We’ve seen teams do this nonSenz before, and be non-Senzel. It’s just Senzeless. Okay, I’ll stop. I do like him though, and would add him in all leagues. He’s a .300-type hitter with power and speed.

Amed Rosario – 2-for-3 and his 3rd steal, hitting .274. Ridiculous how few steals he has. I know how to make Rosario better. Everyone call him Ameddie, then if that doesn’t work, maybe you can fool someone in a trade.

Jeff McNeil – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .370. Not a good time to bring this up, because he had a big game, but I’m starting to think McNeil’s a 4020.

Vince Velasquez – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.73. There’s the insane KaBoB everyone fell out of love with due to its botulism and inability to get out of the 4th inning.

Spencer Turnbull – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.53. “Looks like your American League All-Star starter, Mike Minor, is tiring and Alex Cora is bringing in Spencer Turnbull. For those that haven’t been following baseball this year, Turnbull might be a new name for some of you. Actually, even if you followed baseball, you might not know him. Here’s Buster Olney with some info while I look at these nudie pics of Kyle Schwarber.” That’s Joe Buck at the All-Star Game. I’ve gone over Turnbull in the past, search the site by clicking on his name and earn me an extra .0000008th of a penny of ad revenue. The brief: I’m not a huge fan.

Niko Goodrum – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .238. Just hope Goodrum doesn’t hit .151. Good for the jokes, bad for my teams.

Tyson Ross – Out on paternity leave. No word if Joe Ross is out on uncle leave. Uncles get no respect. They’re just out here, living their best life, hitting on 2nd cousins and trying to annoy the crap out of their sisters.

Josh Harrison – Hit the Ineffective List with a made-up injury. Because Harrison was batting fifth all year, they’re now batting Ronny Roddy Tiger 5th as the Ghost of Jim Leyland makes out the lineup card. Maybe Ronny Roddy Tiger hit Harrison on the head with a coconut. Harrison’s like, “WTF, I’m not from an island. I am from Ohio.” Ronny Roddy Tiger don’t care!

German Marquez – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.93. The line doesn’t do the game he pitched justice. Raimel Tapia, I love ya, but he misplayed a ball in the outfield for the 1st hit that became the first run, after Marquez held the Brewers without a baserunner through five innings, and Jesus Aguilar decided to wake up this week. Not to get all Robert Servatius, but this German deserved better.

Ian Desmond – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and his 2nd homer in the past three games. *steers fantasy team away from Tapia and towards Desmond*

Jesus Aguilar – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd in two games. “This Jesus Aguilar podcast is brought to you by Smelling Salts. When you’re asleep and you also have low blood pressure, the special kind of salt.”

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 5.24. Exhibit A: Why you watch the games. Jhoulys looked so much worse than Marquez, but the final earned run lines tell a different story. Speaking of Story, the entire Rockies lineup looks like it could use that Jesus Aguilar-endorsed smelling salt.

Josh Hader – 2/3 IP, 1 ER and his 7th save and like his 10th homer allowed, ERA at 3.68. Five imaginary dollars says Hader has elbow issues by this time next year. The ol’ fake five dollar year-long bet!

Michael Pineda – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.21. Funny 6/21 is also the next time I wanna think about picking up Pineda for fantasy. Not June 21st, but June of 2021.

Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.95. Before this game, Cole received a phone call from Austin Meadows to remind him the number one thing he must focus on is making the Pirates look bad, nothing else matters.

Josh Reddick – 3-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .352. Reddick is one of the best STDs! *intern whispers in my ear* No, intern, it’s short for STUD.

Jake Marisnick – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (1). The player with the least amount of fantasy ownership award goes to…61*nick!

Mookie Betts – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .295. He’s hitting like a 1st rounder, if this were April 5th or 2015! Meh, I’m just throwing shade like a parasol (so gangster); Betts is still solid.

Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.52. His peripherals are kinda hot garbage underneath Gilbert Grape’s mom’s butt, but (stutterer!) he usually gets to around a 4.20 ERA, it’s early still and his swinging strike and velocity are okay. Not buying, but also not dropping in deeper leagues. He might be closer to a straight Streamonator call than we believe.

Mitch Moreland – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .213. He cooled off tremendously — Extreme Trump voice, “The best cool off anyone’s ever seen!” — but usually when Moreland homers he follows it up with some more goodness.

Jurickson Profar – Sat out 2nd game in a row, due to contracting the yips, which was Gladys Knight’s band for a brief summer in ’88, but they kept messing up the words to the songs, singing, It’s Midnight, Georgia, Your Train’s Here and That’s Friends For Ya. I’m trying to hold Profar in my leagues, but it is becoming difficult. Jorge Mateo might be a smart stash.

Addison Russell – Optioned to Triple-A Iowa. Triple-A Iowa said, “We don’t want him.”

Cole Hamels – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.19. In related news, if you only drafted 35-year-old pitchers or older, you’d be doing okay. (This may or may not be accurate, but my fact checker quit.) By the by, as hot as the Mariners were the 1st three weeks of the season, they are that cold now.

Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (1). HR to the Izzo!

Steve Cishek – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks, and his 1st save, ERA at 4.15, and it’s been two days since anyone’s seen Pedro Strop. Five days ago, Strop’s car was stolen. Now, they got him. Can his fantasy owners band together and pay for the ransom? Not sure where he was last night; is there a hotline we can call?

Mallex Smith – Optioned to the minors. Maybe he had a “loser has to leave town” race against Dee.

Griffin Canning – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER as he made his 1st major league start. Griffin Canning is not when the cool wizards lock Ron Weasley in a Port-a-Potty. Because there are no cool wizards! It is the Angels sexy young call-up. Angels and sexy? What is this, the 70’s with feathered hair? Are you thinking about Farrah’s Pujols? RIP. Canning’s minor league numbers this year are gorge (9.6 K/9, 1.1 BB/9, 0.56 ERA), and I could see the flyer, but I’m not making it myself. Roofies scare me too much.

Jonathan Lucroy – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .256. I actually own this schmohawk in one league, and that team (NFBC) is doing so poorly, I got sonavabenched! Sometimes you’re the one who knocks and sometimes shizz knocks you over.

Hansel Robles – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 2nd save, ERA at 3.21. Hansel is having a fairy tale season, and is the closer. What, you expected Ausmus to go with the better pitcher? C’mon.

CC Sabathia – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.66, as he became only the 3rd lefty in baseball history to record 3,000 strikeouts. To commemorate all those Ks, CC’s nightly knee’s-a-bathia will have Kosher salt in it instead of Epsom.

Zack Godley – Moved to the bullpen, and Arizona is undecided who will take his spot. May I suggest the first fan to run in from the hot tub to the mound?

A.J. Pollock – Landed on the IL and will have exploratory procedure to determine the severity of his elbow infection, i.e., they’re going to miniaturize Dr. James Andrews and send him into the elbow to do a mini-Tommy John.

Walker Buehler – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.22. Know what I love? When my ace gets hit around by the Aints. Superb. Absolute *chef’s kiss*

Enrique Hernandez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .258. He heard all of youse talking about dropping him. He heard you because Kiké controls the media.

Justin Turner – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. “I don’t think we can flush a whole body, but we can try–Wait! He’s alive! I just saw Turner move!”

David Freese – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .233. Dave Roberts plays him because he can remember his 1st name. Prove to me that’s not true!

Starling Marte – 1-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “A dog’s mouth is the cleanest thing in the world, and my dog licked my feet, so, yes, I’m showing my immaculate feet off today by not wearing socks or shoes.”

Jose Leclerc – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 8.44, and another glorious blown save. Glorious as in Laura Branigan’s career post-Gloria. Speaking of has-been singers, Chris Martin might be next in line for saves. Maybe it’s Shawn Kelley, but it certainly should not be the disposed South African despot, Leclerc. Seriously, Leclerc needs a mental break like Profar. Send them both to Peaceful Doves Sanitarium.

Rougned Odor – 0-for-5, 1 run and his 2nd steal, hitting .145. Odor stealing bases is like a sad game of chicken. Does the catcher have the guts to catch the ball and throw it to the middle infielder in a reasonable amount of time, so the middle infielder can place a tag somewhere on Odor’s body? If so, you win. But if not, stolen base for Roughie!

Anthony Rendon – Hit the IL, which is backdated to when he actually got hurt on April 3rd. Or thereabouts.

Adam Eaton – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .296. Then, going back-to-back, was Victor Robles (1-for-4, hitting .255) with his 5th homer. Eaton/Robles is also a flesh-eating bacteria’s fantasy team name.

Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.45. It was against the MIA Marlins, so I was kinda expecting a 9 IP, 0 ER, 27 K game, but I guess it will have to do.

Carlos Santana – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and his 2nd homer in his last two games. If he’s out there on waivers, Carlos Santana could be singing, Oye Schmotato Va.

Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .261. The 57-year-old CarGo is currently outpacing Jose Ramirez (0-for-4, hitting .181 with his 9th steal). Too bad no one warned you on Jo-Ram. If I only I was more like my father or Vanilla Ice, too bold.

Garrett Cooper – 0-for-1 as he returned from the IL, then in his 2nd at-bat he was hit on the hand and it looked like he broke it. If a meteoroid is headed towards earth, put Cooper in the least-populated spot on earth, because it’s bound to hit wherever he is. X-rays came back negative, but we know how that goes.

Lewis Brinson – Optioned to the minors. Brinson repeat.