Been saying for the last four months it’s crazy anyone would draft Chris Sale this year. Or maybe it was just so brazen, like a guy wearing no helmet on a motorcycle in the rain. You got cantaloupes in your pants, you absolute loon! It was like somehow everyone forgot the narrative all of last year was he lost his velocity and his elbow was bothering him. Like a coconut hit their head and they woke up thinking they were Ginger from Gilligan’s Island and that Sale would stay healthy. Alas, you fruit loops, he will start the year on the IL as he heads for an MRI on his elbow. Next stop will be a lost season for him. The people drafting Sale early on, even with a discount, well, I’ve never seen people convince themselves of nonsense like I see in fantasy sports. “He’ll be fine! It was just the flu! His elbow is feeling great! Great, I tell you!” Use some common sense! You kinda deserve to lose if you drafted Sale in any leagues. Everyone saying things like, “Oh, you’re a doctor now, I guess. You saw this coming, I imagine.” Don’t guess, Goofy McGoofstein! I was pre-med for two months of my freshman year in college! Also, it doesn’t take a doctor to know if a guy missed time due to an arm injury last year, showed up to camp after refusing surgery on his arm, you should avoid him. If only I could’ve placed a bet on whether or not anyone drafting Sale in the first few weeks of drafts would regret it. Damn, I would’ve been a billionaire (assuming I could bet a billionaire dollars and had even odds, but I technically would’ve only made that bet if I were a billionaire already). While singing Happy Birthday twice, I’ve washed my hands of Chris Sale. He’s temporarily ranked in the top 40 starters, but I wouldn’t draft him anywhere (as I wouldn’t have before this), and the next step I imagine will be crossing him out of the top 500 for 2020 fantasy baseball. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
We’ve done it! We’ve reached the end of the fantasy baseball hitter rankings. Give yourself a big round of applause. I’d clap for you, but I have carpal tunnel from actually ranking all the hitters and writing all their blurbs and calculating all of their projections and– What exactly did you do? Oh, yeah, you read them. No wonder why your hands can still clap. Okay, let’s get to it because this post is like 5,000 words long and I wrote it with my toes. C’mon, pinkie toe, push down the shift key! Here’s Steamer’s 2019 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Hitters and 2019 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Pitchers. All projections listed are mine and I mention where I see tiers starting and stopping. Anyway, here’s the top 100 outfielders for 2019 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know how they say think about baseball to make sex last longer? Okay, so I was thinking, to make the baseball season last longer do we think about baseball? Maybe we think about sex. This is a riddle for the Sphinx! “Hello, Sphinx, I have a question. Yes, I have $20. Why do you ask? Because you’re a sex worker wearing gold paint and not an ancient Egyptian statue? Ah, that’s my bad.” You ever read that book, The Mouse That Roared? I think it was assigned for me to read back in school, and I watched the movie instead. Solid flick! So, if a mouse roared, he’d be a hoarse mouse while still roaring. That’s how I’m screaming David Dahl‘s name right now. Like a roaring hoarse mouse. An RHM, as they say. Who’s they? Hoarse mouses, of course. The bitter enemy of the church mouse. Are you following? Cause I’m leading you down some place of interest. I am a hoarse mouse roaring David Dahl because I love him. Yesterday, he went 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 4th straight game with a homer. He might be my favorite player for 2019. You take your Adalbertos, but David Dahl has 35/15/.290 ability in Coors and, with how he’s playing these final weeks, he might actually have the lead for the three hole in the Rockies’ lineup going into 2019. This is the best spot in the major leagues to hit. As a roaring hoarse mouse on a horse might say, giddy up! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Mets outfielder/grandfather Jay Bruce hit his second home run in the past three days last night, a 3-run shot that put the game out of reach and he finished the night 2-for-5, with his eighth home run and four runs batted in. When Jay has-a-day at Fenway that calls for the throwback “Bruuuuuuuuce!” Despite battling injuries all year long, the veteran is now batting .270 with four home runs and 12 RBI in September and he’s getting hot at just the right time for his team and fantasy owners. The Mets have won seven games in a row, you guys! That’s right, that same Mets team that won just five games in June are 7-3 over their last 10 games! Why do you care? Well, Bruce’s mighty power bat could be a big reason why! There was also a rat in the dugout and on the field at ‘Family Friendly’ Fenway Friday night, and I’m inclined to say the New York Mess probably brought the plague with them, but at least no one has hand foot and mouth disease…yet. Barring him catching the black plague, Bruce might catch fire in the next couple days because that’s what Jay Bruce does, so I’m telling you now that all the signs are there for the beginning of an absolute tear and maybe you should grab him before that happens. It’s easy to forget he hit 37 home runs between New York and Cleveland last year. I’m not saying he gets to 30 home runs, or even 20, but the Mets are hot, Jay sits in the heart of this line up and one of a few players capable of a 5+ homer week. He was a BUY and he’s available in over 75% of leagues and the team is Queens in a fantasy gold mine right now. I can’t believe I’m saying that, what a wild season!
Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday’s Nationals/Phils game tested my ulcer and said, “Mmm, acidic.” Starting off the calamity, Pat Neshek went 1/3 IP, 2 ER, and the blown save, ERA at 2.08. Okay, if you’re a closer, you have to get the job done, but — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — why the eff can’t Kapler let him start an inning in a one-run game? He let Tommy Hunter walk the lead-off man, then Neshek came in to allow a blast to Anthony Rendon (3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer). Up next in the closerousel is…Hector Neris! Kapler’s already ruined him once, so that gives you an idea of how long it takes for the Phillies’ closerousel to spin, about four months. Then, Justin Miller came on to close the game for the Nationals. But oh no, we will nearly blow! Miller went 1/3 IP, 1 ER and was promptly pulled for…wait for it…oh, this is good…Greg Holland! Who entered the game with a 6.09 ERA and has been so bad, he got chased out of St. Louie. Yo, are Davey Martinez and Gabe Kapler running a lemonade stand? Because I’m getting a real sour face. In Washington, it’s likely Koda Glover or Ryan Madson’s turn next, but Holland’s got two lips, so he’s as good as anyone. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Padres began yesterday by lifting their brown, monk robe they purchased from the Dan Brown collection and showed their first twig of the prospect tree they have cloaked beneath: Luis Urias. Whenever you hear the Padres fans shout about their MI prospect — they scream, “Our Luis Urias,” and they sound like John McEnroe barking at a line judge. BTW, you know you’re old if you’ve ever asked a barber to give you a Jimmy Connors, and then complained after they gave you a Pete Rose. Podcaster Ralph and I go over Luis Urias on today’s pod, but, I will give you the general gist, which was also my high school band name. You might remember General Gist from such noteworthy songs as, “Keep Me Near You Or Thereabouts.” Urias is a solid all-around bat, think .300 hitter, without huge power or speed. He’s young though, which means he could blossom, so remain calm. For now, I will call you, Zen Bobrist. I would grab him if you’re struggling at MI to see if he can catch fire and master Zen and the Art of MI Maintenance. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Thomas Pannone took a no-hitter into the 7th inning of his 1st MLB start, and was the 5th pitcher since 1900 to go seven shutout innings with one or less hits and two or less walks, finishing with 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 3 Ks. More trivia? You got it! He sometimes goes by his stepfather’s Polish name, Pannonehits, or his mom’s Czech name, Panntwowalks. Coincidence? Pannone says puh-no-way! He has disavowed his biological Italian father, Panettone. That guy is a real fruitcake. Haha, we had some good laughs, huh? I’m going to take a nap now. *shuts eyes standing up* I can hear you tiptoeing behind me. So, wasn’t able to find a ton on Pannone on site. Our Prospect-o-Nator that has projections for all rookies doesn’t hate Pannone. Yes, it projects him for 4.98 ERA, but, trust me, with rookies, that’s not awful. He’s not listed on any major Jays’ prospect lists likely because he throws 89 MPH. Woof, and let the dog out so it can woof-woof. For now, I’d look at him as a streamer. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s all Rangers, all the time up in this Mug’s Root Beer. You in your 90’s, “Hey, kiddo, I remember back in the August of 2018, this young man, Grey Albright. He had a full head of hair and a gorgeous hairlip. Well, that young squirrel talked at length about the Texas Rangers. Texas? You don’t remember that? It was a state. It became a part of Meh-eee-co after the War of 2020, when Admiral Kushner tried to invade Tijuana to erect a large-scale fence twenty yards from an already erected fence. Oh, well, it was nice talking to you, I’m going back to watch The Real Housewives of Miami Island.” Yesterday, Joey Gallo (3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 30th and 31st homer) lit up the scoreboard like the Macy’s Day Parade. Macy’s Day is a holiday when jeans you don’t want are purchased cheaply by relatives and handed to you, much to your chagrin. It’s a tradition; don’t act above it. You, “Can this guy really talk for 500 words about Joey Gallo without talking about Joey Gallo?” Just try me! So, Gallo is on pace for a nearly identical year to last year when he hit 41 HRs and .209. Right now, his average is at .202, but, don’t worry, he’s got at least .007 in that bat! His strikeout rate never budged from last year no matter what spring training narratives were saying about him cutting his Ks down. Have you seen his swing? He starts in Austin and ends in Arlington. Never the hoo! He is who he is, and good at what he does — hit bombs. Now, see you back here tomorrow for all the dirt on Isiah Kiner’s Korner with Falafel. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I wanna geek out for a second. You with me? Orf course you are, because I say “Orf course” and you’re still reading! Entering yesterday’s game Anthony Rendon (3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .285) was 19th overall for 3rd basemen on the Player Rater, in a virtual tie with Miguel Andujar and Ryon Healy and right behind Derek Dietrich. Hey, over-the-internet friend, that’s awful. Third basemen are not exactly stacked like hamburgers at IHOB either. There’s seven top tier ones ($17+). For context, there’s ten elite shortstops. There’s 16 shortstops at $11+, and only eleven 3rd basemen. I don’t think you heard me, Derek Dietrich has been more valuable than Rendon so far this year, or sofa if you’re reading in a furniture store. Rendon already spent the 1st half taking the craps out, so, yo, I think he can roll up to 7 at the position by season’s end. The route he’s taken has definitely been the hard way. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I hope everyone out there in the deep-league world is enjoying the summer and hopefully some time off (without having things like family time and luxury vacations taking TOO much time away from the world of fantasy baseball!) We’re about at the actual halfway point of the season, and the All Star Break will be here shortly – I feel like I’ve already put a season’s worth of work into some of my teams, but I don’t want to let up now, even though I’ve had many moments lately where it’s felt more like a job than a hobby. I hope your leagues have been treating you kindly, and let’s get right to looking at some names that might be of interest in AL-only, NL-only, and other deep/deep-ish leagues.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Billy Ray Butler isn’t nicknamed “Country Breakfast” because he likes to eat his early morning meal outdoors. Currently a free agent, the 2012 All-Star is perhaps coming to the realization that his professional career might be over. “Moving onward” said Butler in a recent interview with designatedeaters.com when discussing his newest business venture that is literally beginning to explode. Approaching three bills on the scale, Billy knew he had to make some changes. But change is never easy, especially when said change interferes with one’s daily responsibility of stuffing one’s face. “But why eat less when you don’t have to. What if you could still eat as much as you want and still lose weight,” remarked Butler who was indeed looking like he was down to about two fifty. Billy’s latest craze, known as Fartio, promotes eating as much as you can. It stresses foods loaded with beans. Mexican meals are an excellent example. Other flatulence inducing foods such as chicken with broccoli, corned beef and cabbage and sausage and peppers are near the top of the list. The objective of Fartio is to head directly to one of Billy’s studios and jump on the treadmill, spin bike or elliptical and fart off those calories. “The place smells like the men’s room at Yankee Stadium during the seventh inning stretch, but it’s worth it,” said Matt Albers whose eating spiraled out of control after losing the closing gig in Milwaukee when Knebel went down earlier this season. All machines are equipped with barf bags for those overcome by the stench of rotting intestines. Pablo Sandoval credits his weight loss to Fartio. Many thought Butler’s venture would lay an egg, but instead his brand is being franchised across the country by ex-ballplayers such as Prince Fielder and Mo Vaughn. Rich Garces has taken the idea one step further and has an onsite Venezuelan restaurant run by his family. Needless to day, Billy Butler is blasting his way to a better body one fart at a time. If you struggle with weight gain perhaps Fartio can work for you too. To give it a try, call 888-4-FARTIO. And don’t forget Billy’s mantra “you can’t outrun a fart on a treadmill”…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Cleveland Indians rookie Shane Bieber was dominant Friday night in just his third career start, pitching seven innings, allowing just four base runners and striking out nine for his second win. Talk about a reason to Love Yourself. The Biebs now holds a 2.45 ERA and 1.36 WHIP through his first three starts (18.1 IP) and his 22/3 K/BB is Despacito–at least I think it’s despacito, not 100% sure I know what that means. I’m saying it’s flames. Shane Bieber is striking out lots of batters. Oh Baby, Baby. Baby sign me up. Wow, you sure do know a lot of Justin Bieber songs. What do you mean? I make it my business to know all about the Beibebers. For example, in the minors this year Shane was 6-1 with a 1.29 ERA, 0.77 WHIP and a 72/6 K/BB. If those numbers make you scream like a teenage girl and and write Shane’s name is cursive flirty letters on your notebook you’re not alone, Beiber’s got the stuff to be a bonafide heart throb. He will likely see the usual rookie pitchers highs and lows, but he’s looking like the favorite to run away with the fifth rotation spot in Cleveland. He’ll get a rougher assignment than Detroit next time out taking on the Cardinals in St. Louis but I’d grab Shane for the upside alone and hope he can make a Belieber out of all of us.
Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:Please, blog, may I have some more?