Been saying for the last four months it’s crazy anyone would draft Chris Sale this year. Or maybe it was just so brazen, like a guy wearing no helmet on a motorcycle in the rain. You got cantaloupes in your pants, you absolute loon! It was like somehow everyone forgot the narrative all of last year was he lost his velocity and his elbow was bothering him. Like a coconut hit their head and they woke up thinking they were Ginger from Gilligan’s Island and that Sale would stay healthy. Alas, you fruit loops, he will start the year on the IL as he heads for an MRI on his elbow. Next stop will be a lost season for him. The people drafting Sale early on, even with a discount, well, I’ve never seen people convince themselves of nonsense like I see in fantasy sports. “He’ll be fine! It was just the flu! His elbow is feeling great! Great, I tell you!” Use some common sense! You kinda deserve to lose if you drafted Sale in any leagues. Everyone saying things like, “Oh, you’re a doctor now, I guess. You saw this coming, I imagine.” Don’t guess, Goofy McGoofstein! I was pre-med for two months of my freshman year in college! Also, it doesn’t take a doctor to know if a guy missed time due to an arm injury last year, showed up to camp after refusing surgery on his arm, you should avoid him. If only I could’ve placed a bet on whether or not anyone drafting Sale in the first few weeks of drafts would regret it. Damn, I would’ve been a billionaire (assuming I could bet a billionaire dollars and had even odds, but I technically would’ve only made that bet if I were a billionaire already). While singing Happy Birthday twice, I’ve washed my hands of Chris Sale. He’s temporarily ranked in the top 40 starters, but I wouldn’t draft him anywhere (as I wouldn’t have before this), and the next step I imagine will be crossing him out of the top 500 for 2020 fantasy baseball. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:
Brandon Nimmo – Went to see the team cardiologist, and they suggested additional tests, then he turned out to be okay. Going to see a Mets doctor for a heart problem sounds like something that was outlawed in the Geneva Convention. “Waterboarding will not be used for interrogations by all participating countries, and Mr. Met can f*** all the way off.” I haven’t moved him in my rankings, you can find Nimmo in top 100 outfielders.
J.D. Davis – His left shoulder injury showed no new structural damage. The Mets said, “Only the damage that was already there.” Hilarious, the Mets said the quiet part out loud. Nothing abnormal here, except all the stuff we didn’t tell you about before that is totally not normal. I’m scared now with Davis, but haven’t moved him in my rankings. I’ve drafted him already, so trying to stay positive. There’s no new bad stuff, only past bad stuff. Hehe, whee! Mets!
Giancarlo Stanton – Diagnosed with a Grade 1 calf strain. For those who didn’t “pre-med” their way through the 1st semester of their freshman year of college. In the 1st grade, there’s a fish bowl in the back of the room, and kids have a nap time, therefore Giancarlo’s calf sleeps with the fishes. I swore off Giancarlo this year, but then I got stuck with him in one AL-Only league, and decided he was a decent gamble in a Best Ball-style league, so drafted him in my RazzSlam league, too. Never again with this freakin’ adorkable lug while drafting him everywhere! So much machismo, so little health. I won’t draft him anymore, but I can’t stop myself! His thighs are beautiful! Yankees are saying he could be back for Opening Day. I just got a headache from an eye roll. I love you, Giancarlo, now stop getting injured! As for his spot in my rankings, I haven’t moved him because I said I wasn’t drafting him (even though I’ve now drafted him twice), so nothing’s really changed. (His price is really crazy cheap, especially for Best Ball-style leagues, where you have, like, 12 guys on your bench.) Okay, one last point, I don’t believe in a hitters’ curse for injuries as much as I do for pitchers. Drafting pitchers without a clean bill of health on their arm is nuts; hitters at the right price start to interest me. Another one that is confounding to me is Max Scherzer. Do people forget he struggled to even pitch in the playoffs?
Aaron Judge – Will miss the start of the year. Whatever positives Judge has from being a giant it’s also hurting his ability to stay healthy. I wonder if he has the same thing as Andre the Giant. Guess on the bright side we might get a feature film with him co-starring Billy Crystal. “He used to drink 45 kegs of College Inn chicken broth during dinner.” That’s Billy Crystal on the DVD extras about Aaron Judge. Anyway, yeah, I’m now out on Judge, and have moved him down into my top 40 outfielders and adjusted his projections.
Blake Snell – Cortisone shot in his left elbow. Awesome! He says he won’t be ready for Opening Day. Superb! So glad everyone fights me on drafting a top starter early. Enjoy your Snell pick, early drafters. But I think you’re…Gonna get shot down cuz your over-Snellous! I’ve docked him 20 innings, and I wouldn’t draft him in any league, moving him down in my top 20 starters.
Griffin Canning – Went for an MRI on his elbow. Welp, goodbye. Slanted text slowly scrolling away from us over a black background, “Stay far, far away.” Glad I didn’t write a sleeper post for Canning, even though I 100% did, but didn’t publish it, only to post it in his rankings’ blurb. Semantics, perhaps, but semantics aren’t just crabs you get from wearing your friend’s gotchies! Canning is now down in the top 100 starters, way down from where he was. It doesn’t matter to me that the Angels said his elbow MRI had normal wear and tear. An elbow MRI that says “normal wear and tear” is like a real estate listing mentioning how a place needs “decorative touches.” Yeah, that house is missing a front door.
Stephen Piscotty – His left intercostal is worse than expected and Opening Day is in jeopardy. A’s do spring in Arizona and the intercostal runs along Florida, but his fears don’t sound misplaced. Possibly a pun, possibly not. Your call! I wasn’t drafting Piscotty in my top 100 outfielders and am high on Seth Brown.
A.J. Puk – Shut down with a mild shoulder strain. A mild shoulder strain for a pitcher is like being a little bit dead. Puk meet puke; puke meet Puk.
Andrew McCutchen – Won’t be ready for Opening Day. They don’t call him McClutchin-His-Knee for nothing (or to his face). Him not being ready for Opening Day was baked into his price, so I’m not moving him in my top 60 outfielders. *Beavis laugh* I said ‘baked.’ I did cut 50 ABs off his projections, though.
Aristides Aquino – As my Italian grandmother would say, sadness is a bruised Jersey tomato. Aristides Aquino is a bruised Jersey tomato. If we’re reading the writing on the wall, and we should be, he’s not only not starting for the Reds, he’s not making the Opening Day roster. Triple negatives be damned! It would be careless of me to tell you to draft him anywhere in the top 300, so I’ve moved him down into my top 100 outfielders and top 500 overall.
Emmanuel Clase – Will miss 8-12 weeks with a strained upper back. No way am I now paying $12/month to Cinemax to see an injured Emmanuel.
Jose Bautista – Hopes to return as a two-way player. His last year as a hitter was 2018, and he hit .203. Now he wants to return as a hitter and pitcher. Rougned Odor did him worse than Joe Frazier did Muhammad Ali.