Anthony Perkins Up Fantasy Owners, Scaring Mothers Everywhere

I wanna geek out for a second.  You with me?  Orf course you are, because I say “Orf course” and you’re still reading!  Entering yesterday’s game Anthony Rendon (3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .285) was 19th overall for 3rd basemen on the Player Rater, in a virtual tie with Miguel Andujar and Ryon Healy and right behind Derek Dietrich.  Hey, over-the-internet friend, that’s awful.  Third basemen are not exactly stacked like hamburgers at IHOB either.  There’s seven top tier ones ($17+).  For context, there’s ten elite shortstops.  There’s 16 shortstops at $11+, and only eleven 3rd basemen.  I don’t think you heard me, Derek Dietrich has been more valuable than Rendon so far this year, or sofa if you’re reading in a furniture store.  Rendon already spent the 1st half taking the craps out, so, yo, I think he can roll up to 7 at the position by season’s end.  The route he’s taken has definitely been the hard way.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – Expects to return next Friday.  I told you he didn’t retire! *erases giant X over Zimmerman’s name and arrow pointing to him that reads “Retired”*

Bryce Harper – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .213.  Bryce, man, bro, clown question shutter downer, stop trying to emulate Adam Dunn.

Ryan Madson – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 4th save, ERA at 5.13, as Kelvin Herrera pitched the 8th.  Nats manager, Davey Martinez, pulled out that old school move, using the guy to close who has been with the club for a while, and not the new guy.  So lame, it’s almost like Martinez has no clue Herrera was the closer on another team.  This is in the same nonsense box with ‘stats don’t carry over from league to league in the box scores.’  There’s interleague now, you dipshizzes!

Amed Rosario – Didn’t play yesterday.  Classic Mets:

Now I understand why the Mets suck. If they play well, they’re benched. https://t.co/uJYmQBL6xT

— Razzball (@Razzball) July 12, 2018

Jose Bautista – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .219.  Has actually been a solid pick up for the Mets.  Though, that’s comparing Bautista to the likes of Jay Douche and You-Must-Be-Jokin’ Frazier.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .282.  After the game, Asdrubal adjourned to his hotel room, wrapped his finger around the phone cord, and coyly asked his agent if there were any offers getting him the hell off the Mets.

Charlie Morton – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA up to 2.96, and now two straight mediocre starts.  Morton will actually appear in this afternoon’s Buy, Sell, Hold video, and, if you look at how often he’s thrown this many innings in a season, I bet you can guess which segment of the video he’s going to appear in.  I know, it sucks.  I don’t own him, but I gotz that empathy, as a philosopher graffiti artist would tag a subway car.

Tony Kemp – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (7), hitting .297.  Kyle Tucker who?!  Is a top 3 prospect in Prospector Ralph’s top 100 prospects for 2018 fantasy baseball at the midseason point.  I know, Random Italicized Voice, it was a figure of speech.  ‘Kyle Tucker who’ is a figure of speech?  Is that a noun or verb?  Forget it.

Collin McHugh – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.99.  On the Player Rater, if you put RP in the Pos column, you will see a ranking of only RPs.  Look where McHugh is.  Hint:  it’s high.  Real question:  who has the most IP in the 2nd half for the Astros, McCullers, Morton or McHugh?

Trevor Cahill – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.10, as he was activated from the DL.  Serious question:  if you were sitting on an airplane about to make a cross country flight and Cahill, Garrett Richards and Rich Hill were to step on, would you get off the plane or just call your loved ones in case something were to happen?

Nick Martini – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs as he hit leadoff.  First of all, we know Nick Martini is really Niko Goodrum in disguise!  It’s obvious!  Second, don’t hit Martini leadoff in the A’s lineup, because now I’m reading the lineup fast as a Martini of semen.  I nearly had a heart attack.  Third of all, there’s no third of all!

Jorge Alfaro – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .253.  Alfaro’s a weird cat.  No, he doesn’t look like one of those hairless cats, those are weird though.  He’s weird because when he gets into a baseball like he did yesterday, he looks like a 20-homer hitter, but, yeah, he has six homers.

Nick Pivetta – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.58.  See what happened here?  He knew I rage-dropped him after his last debacle and decided to pitch well while not on my team.  Masterson used to hold this title years ago, but we have a new one:  Nick Pivetta, Passive Aggressive Starter.

Trey Mancini – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer.  To everyone who said this preseason, “Grey, your smarts are only surpassed by your rugged good looks, but aren’t you worried about Mancini’s ground ball tendencies?”  And I said, nah, he’ll be fine.  Yeah, as they say in Latin America, mea culpa.  Mancini is hitting .220 and ground balls have tanked his value.  He’s currently hitting more grounders (57.3%) than Dee Gordon.  Woof.

Kevin Gausman – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.33.  The worst things I’ve done this season were trusting any Orioles player for anything:  Gausman, Mancini, Bundy and Schoop.

Logan Morrison – Hit the DL with a left hip impingement, which is different than when a Dead Head gets a phone number wrong and keeps calling you thinking you’re their brother.  That’s a “lefty hippie is pinging me.”  You thought the robocalls about interest rates were bad?  Imagine an aging hippie thinks your phone number is his brother’s and won’t stop calling it.  You’re better off just pretending to be his brother, because the calls will never stop.  “Are you coming up to San Fran to see the cover band, Dread Zeppelin?”  “I’m not your brother, but I will come for you.”

Blake Snell – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA up to 2.27.  Marla Gibbs never pitched in the All-Star Game and neither will you!

Eddie Rosario – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer.  Oh, and you’re welcome for me ranking him 100+ spots in front of every other person and writing a sleeper post for him.

Kyle Gibson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.42.  *reverse lights pop on, reverse beeping commences*  Here we go back in on Gibson!  For what it’s Werth, his peripherals still say he’s borderline ownable everywhere, but, let’s just say, if he’s your number three, you better have deGrom and Scherzer as your #1 and #2.

Rafael Devers – Hit the DL with shoulder discomfort that has lingered for four (stutterer!) weeks.  That would’ve been nice to know.  I hope him and Travis Shaw get healthy over the break and come back with fire emojis.  <insert>The King of Wishful Thinking by Go West video playing in my head</insert>

Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .352.  Well, if it ain’t Mr. April!  Kidding, Betts is still the best.  L’chaim Mookie Bubbeleh.  I love you.

J.A. Happ – 3 2/3 IP, 0 ER, and 5 unearned runs, ERA at 4.29.  Holy ticker shock!  *licks pencil tip, begins to write*  Dear Mr. Happ, if you’re trying to get traded to the Yankees, getting your ass handed to you by the Red Sox isn’t the best way to go about that.  Also, make sure to clean your hands before you eat, you were just holding your ass.

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .259.  You ever have a guy who you own that you completely forget about?  There’s likely better guys out there, but I have so many other concerns on my team I don’t have time to worry about him.  We should have a glossary term for a guy like this.  Please suggest in the comments.

Wade Miley – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.38, as he was activated from the DL.  If the Brewers bump Purr-rawr-ta from the rotation for Wade Miley, Counsell should be painted green, put into his batting stance and planted on Ellis Island for pictures with tourists.

Jesus Aguilar – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer, hitting .307.  Make the Home Run Derby Jesus Aguilar vs. Max Muncy and leave it at that.  “Hey, this is Chris Berman and we’re going back back back back back back back back back back back back back–” *sparks fly from his ears* “Hurry!  Berbot is malfunctioning!”

Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.91.  Finally, a borderline starter has a convincingly great start!  Halleberrylujah!  His peripherals — 8.75 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, 3.55 xFIP — have finally nudged themselves into position where he is a no doubt number three fantasy starter.  Hurry up and trade him to the Astros so he can be an ace!

Garrett Richards – Will have Tommy John surgery.  When PRP doesn’t morph to BRB.

Tyler Skaggs – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.57, as he was activated from the DL.  Give him a chance, people!  He’ll get back to the DL soon enough.  You’re so impatient.  Orf course, in the meantime, I would own him if he’s out there pitching.  Though, I’d prolly look at the Stream-o-Nator first on his matchups.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer, hitting .251.  Elias Sports Bureau said Pujols was the first 96-year-old man to hit two homers in one game, beating Minnie Minoso by four months.

David Fletcher – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer, hitting .273, and in the leadoff slot now.  Fletcher, aka Mr. Underhill, won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I will be cyclops’ing very closely.

Justin Upton – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (18) and legs (5), hitting .249.  Know what’s a little bit crazy?  Pujols is only two homers behind Upton and hitting for a better average, while being 68 years his senior.

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .218.  Solid game for The Fun Police.

Ross Stripling – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.08.  Stripling would like to tell you what to do with your April takes of, “The Dodgers should start trading off their pieces.”

James Paxton – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.70 and left with lower back soreness.  Don’t worry, there will be time in the 2nd half for a more serious injury from him.  I’m not kidding.

Luis Severino – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K (!), ERA at 2.31 vs. Corey Kluber – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.76.  “Hello, this is Joe Buck, and we’re here for a beautiful night in the Bronx, which is not something you hear often unless you’re snuggling with Kyle Schwarber.  We are in for a pitchers’ duel from these two guys.”  Two hours later, “Brett Gardner is very handsome.”

Brett Gardner – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .257.  With a jawline like his, are you surprised he’s hot?

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting .296.  I don’t want to punch down.  That’s no fun.  What I mean is making fun of sites that are less popular than Razzball.  I want to punch up.  I want to make fun of people who are more popular.  That is why it is my privilege to bring you Sports Illustrated’s March post, “Jose Ramirez vs. Josh Donaldson,” where they concluded Donaldson is the safer option!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA–Breathe, Grey, breathe!  *places Dennis Hopper’s air mask on mouth, inhales, exhales, centers self*  But, seriously, I didn’t know Sports Illustrated had fantasy coverage either.

Didi Gregorius – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 16th homer, hitting .260.  Good that The Gregorius D.I.D. heated up again because Aaron Boone plopped him in the three hole for better or worse.

Joey Lucchesi – Sent to the minors, but this sounds like a procedural move because of the All-Star break and it was announced followed by the Law & Order chung-chung sound effect.

Trevor Story – 1-for-3 and his 18th homer, hitting .289.  He’s easily going to appear in next week’s top 100 for the 2nd half, only question is how high, starring Red and Method Man.

Robbie Ray – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.03.  As his best start in forever comes in Coors.  I will now laugh myself into tears.  You should turn away, it’s going to be an ugly cry.  The Rockies scored 19 runs on Wednesday and all Robbie Ray does this year is DOOKIES, and I’m not saying he’s a nostalgic tape-head and silk printing the cover of Green Day’s Dookie album onto shirts.  I’m saying he’s been unstartable against everyone!  I need a nap.  *shuts eyes standing, five seconds later claps hands*  I’m back, but still annoyed.  I wish I felt great that Ray was now back, but this start in Coors is going to lead to a total shizz show on the other side of the break.

Shelby Miller – Hit the DL with elbow inflammation.  Why does Dr. James Andrews always carry an umbrella?  Because everywhere he goes he makes it rain.