Yesterday, Thomas Pannone took a no-hitter into the 7th inning of his 1st MLB start, and was the 5th pitcher since 1900 to go seven shutout innings with one or less hits and two or less walks, finishing with 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 3 Ks. More trivia? You got it! He sometimes goes by his stepfather’s Polish name, Pannonehits, or his mom’s Czech name, Panntwowalks. Coincidence? Pannone says puh-no-way! He has disavowed his biological Italian father, Panettone. That guy is a real fruitcake. Haha, we had some good laughs, huh? I’m going to take a nap now. *shuts eyes standing up* I can hear you tiptoeing behind me. So, wasn’t able to find a ton on Pannone on site. Our Prospect-o-Nator that has projections for all rookies doesn’t hate Pannone. Yes, it projects him for 4.98 ERA, but, trust me, with rookies, that’s not awful. He’s not listed on any major Jays’ prospect lists likely because he throws 89 MPH. Woof, and let the dog out so it can woof-woof. For now, I’d look at him as a streamer. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer, and 457th homer this week. No idea where I heard his name before. Maybe it was the five or six times I’ve mentioned him in the last three days. You may be right, I may be crazy, but it just may be Kendrys you’re looking for. *horn section plays*
Devon Travis – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Is Devon worth picking up? Oh, Lourdes, no.
Addison Russell – Hit the DL with a middle finger sprain. The injury occurred at the tail end of this conversation. “Hey, with Daniel Murphy, where is Javier Baez going to play? 2nd? 3rd? 1st? He’s not playing shortstop, is he?”
David Bote – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Up until the 9th inning yesterday, it seemed like the entire Cubs offense had abandoned ship. And when Bryant returns, they’ll abandon Bote too. Ya know, one of the Cubs hottest hitters, as he bats 7th, because Zobrist has to hit cleanup. Ow, I feel an eye roll headache coming on.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-5 and his 20th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Leonys Martin – Won’t return in 2018 as he deals with a bacterial infection that affected multiple organs. Syndergaard, did you rub your hand, foot and/or mouth on Leonys’ pancreas?
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homer, as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “To up my productivity, I’m wearing a diaper. And because you won’t let me reserve a toilet stall!”
Carlos Carrasco – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.55. Can’t wait for the ALCS with games tied at 14 going into extras.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-5 and his 18th and 19th homers, hitting .282. I saw some Red Sox fans talking yesterday about how Bogaerts is underrated. Hometown fans get so jacked on goofballs for their players. Overrated? Maybe. Just rated. Probably. Underrated? I can’t even tell if this is a joke.
Stephen Strasburg – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.23, as he was activated from the DL. This start turned out better than I expected. I expected 2 IP, 4 ER and a re-injury. Though, maybe it’s not better he didn’t re-injure himself.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. I usually don’t mention walk-off homers, because they all count the same in fantasy, but a walk-off homer that is reviewed and stands has to be some kind of extra death blow. “Ooh…there’s a review…we have a chance!” Mola Ram rips out heart.
Luis Avilan – Traded to the Phils. That’s it, guys and five girl readers. Season’s done for all other teams. Go home, A’s, and your 67 straight wins. Eat a D, Red Sox. The Phils got Luis Avilan! *intern whispers in my ear* I’m told this move doesn’t matter.
Justin Bour – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer as he started at first with Hoskins in left and the struggling ODB on the bench. Damn, doing ODB dirrrrrrty.
Maikel Franco – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .281. As our Player Rater shows, Maikel is not a top tier 3B. Shoot (not you Dick Cheney), he’s not even a 2nd tier 3B. But he has been solidly productive in the 3rd tier.
Marcell Ozuna – Hit the DL with shoulder inflammation. It became inflammed when he sneezed into his arm with his dragon breath.
Jack Flaherty – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners (1 hit), 10 Ks, ERA at 2.97. The one hit he allowed was the 19th homer to Joc Pederson. Look at Flaherty’s ERA and think again how you felt the need to draft Kershaw. Okay, now, look at Walker Buehler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.96, and think about how you desperately needed Madison Bumgarner.
Kenley Jansen – 1 IP, 2 ER, and his 2nd appearance in a row looking like hot garbage on the couch under Gilbert Grape’s mom’s butt. This time he allowed a home run to Paul DeJong aka Colonel Mustard, his 14th. Don’t want to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but Jansen is not right. I looked at picking up Kenta Maeda and Scott Alexander, and then was happy neither was available.
Aroldis Chapman – Hit the DL and doesn’t sound like he’ll be back after only ten days, but what do I know? I’m merely a handsome AF fantasy baseball ‘pert. No one can really fill in for Aroldis, which is what he tells his girlfriends to break down their self-esteem, but, if you’re looking for Yanks interim saves, I’d go Dellin Betances. With David Robertson dealing with a shoulder injury, I could see Zach Britton also sneaking into the SAGNOF picture. Snap!
Austin Dean – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and two homers in his first six games since his call-up. Hot schmotato alert!
J.T. Riddle – 1-for-1 and his 8th homer, and 3rd in four games. This homer was a pinch-hit jobber though, because the Mehlins apparently have too many weapons to play their hottest hitter.
Noah Syndergaard – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Was looking at our last-30 day Player Rater for pitchers the other day, and, wow, is Syndergaard low on there. You could get Carpal Tunnel scrolling to find his name. No joke.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and his 3rd homer in August and, oh, who are we kidding, you’re not picking him up no matter what I say.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 11th homer as he hits leadoff with his .199 average, 57-year-old man-bones, and easy-to-sucker-punch face. No lie, I went to waivers in one of my leagues, searched by who had the most homers in the last 14 days, and Frazier and Bautista were both available, so I grabbed Ramon Laureano and Nicky Delmonico.
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer. Au Shizz!
David Peralta – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .306. I can faintly remember before Peralta became Babe Mantle during the 1998 home run chase, but only faintly.
Trevor Williams – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.44. He has a 0.86 ERA since the All-Star break. I told you he was a sleeper! Okay, he has been better than anyone thought. I think even him.
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 20th homer, and yet another leadoff homer. No snacking Tildaddy picks us up dinner! Guess where the Braves play today, Miami of Florida. Too bad Urena went the chickenshit route and chose to take his suspension while the Braves are in town. Newcomb should throw a fastball at Mattingly’s unmustachioed face. Hashtag never forget.
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Have very little love for Teheran — USA #1, ptooey Tehran! — and the Stream-o-Nator is rarely positive for him, but it is a hair over zero for his next start.
Ryan O’Hearn – 3-for-4, 1 run and has four homers in the last eight games. I triple-dog dare you to pick up O’Hearn. You can’t refuse a triple-dog dare.
Nicky Delmonico – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and 4th homer this week. Yesterday, I bitched about how it took my 12 minutes to pick up Delmonico because you have to drop a guy from the DL who’s been activated before picking up a new guy rather than doing it in one move. Short story made long, but best 12 minutes I ever spent, and I’ve picked up Delmonico in more leagues.
Tim Anderson – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. Wow, no one told you in the preseason to draft Anderson (except me). Shame those people with parenthetical blindness still don’t trust me.
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.71. He has a 7.2 K/9, 3.3 BB/9 and 4.88 xFIP. At this point, I just hope he holds it together the rest of the season so some schmohawks are fooled into drafting him next year.
Kyle Gibson – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.63. You were hoping Gibson would pitch like Bob, instead he pitched like Debbie.
Jeremy Jeffress – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER and his 6th save, ERA at 1.33. Hard to believe he has six saves already, because I kept looking at him, but decided each time to not mention him because I just figured Twitter Hader-ade had the lead on the Brewers closer job, but I Jeffress. Still think this is Hader’s job on most days, but Jeffress hasn’t been bad, and could see opps. If Siri is reading this to you, I didn’t say he could cyclops. See opps. That’s not a military operation known as a sea-op either, it’s see opps–You know what? Read your own shizz!
Christian Yelich – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs, and his 21st homer, hitting .314. Hey, nice Pi! Which is also what Yelich said in his motion picture debut, “Hot Mamma Mia!”
Freddy Peralta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.02. The Stream-o-Nator loved his start yesterday, and not to be outdone, it’s saying nice things about his next start, and lots of nomnomnom’ing.
Mike Minor – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, ERA at 4.40. Some people asked about starting Minor yesterday vs. the A’s. Those people also missed the last 60 games of the A’s season, but sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good. Or lucky to not ask me, because I wouldn’t have started Minor vs. the A’s.
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer. Only two more homers to prove me wrong that he can hit more than 22 homers, but, really, it’s a hollow victory when you’re getting to September and barely topping 22 homers. *high fives self* Now, that’s how you turn you being wrong into you being right, baby!
Joey Gallo – 1-for-2 and his 33rd homer, hitting .209. Mr. Spring Training Narrative, “He has cut down on his Ks!” This is true, but he’s still 2nd worst in the majors, only being saved from being the worst by Chris Davis, who is literally the worst in every category you can think of.
George Springer – Expected to return on Friday. *lifts floating bed sheet with eye holes cut out, sees Springer* Hey, stop trying to ghost me.
Lance McCullers – Nearing a bullpen session. Unfortunately, his uber driver is Dr. James Andrews.
Roberto Osuna – 1 IP, 0 ER, and the save, and now does appear to be the closer. Still a POSuna, but the closer nevertheless.
Tyler White – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .306. White has been all….good! Hmm, I thought that was gonna rhyme. If you do a sloppy jamming of minor league numbers and major league stats together, he has 22 HRs and around a .310 average in 104 games. He walks a decent amount and check out that ISO (.327). That ISO would lead the majors (if he had 350 more at-bats). I so…like him! The ellipsis-bam is picking up its game! If he finishes the season with 12 homers in 50 games, then–*door flies open* Mr. Prorater, “He’ll be a 35-homer hitter over the course of a season. And if I learned a new word a minute, I’d know the entire dictionary in 18 days. Eat a D, Merriam-Webster!”
Marco Gonzales – 3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.32 vs. Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.05. This matchup was billed as, “These guys have pitched well all year so I’m glad I have them both going for my H2H playoff play-in week and–HOLY EFF WHAT IS GOING ON?! WHY DID I START BOTH?! ALSO WHY IS MY SHIFT KEY BROKEN?” I’ve been saying for some time both of these guys were going to have skeletons of Regression Fairies coming out of their closets.
Mitch Haniger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .276. Not bad until you realize he had 17 homers as of June 29th, and has three months this year when he hit a total of 4 homers.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 31s homer. You could set your watch by Cruz hitting home runs. The watch would have a home run hand and count to 35, but would be plus or minus three homers. So you can tell people you’ll be there at ’34 homers after the hour.’ CP time. That’s Cruz Power time! Careful! We have some woke people around here.