Have you ever been to Staten Island? Shame if not. It’s one of the best boroughs. Imagine if they built a pizzeria on top of a garbage dump. That’s Staten Island. On Staten Island, there’s a Mother Mary statue on every lawn, as far as the eye can see. On each Mother Mary statue, there’s garland and Christmas lights. All year around. If you were to turn on all those Mother Mary Christmas lights statues together, you could see them from the moon. The electric bill would be a fortune too, about as much to cover the gabagool expenses for the entire borough. Anyway, you take all those Mother Mary Christmas lights statues’ electrical power, and you still don’t have the power of Vinnie Pasquantino and the sheer electricity he brings. In 69 games — hey now! — of Triple-A, he had 18 HRs and a 12.2% strikeout rate. What is he, a power hitter that’s gonna hit .280? Mama mia, that’s Italian! His walk rate (12.5%) was over his strikeout rate! *pinching the cheeks of Vinnie Pasquantino’s player page* You’re so handsome! With Carlos Santana being traded to the Mariners — figured Carlos Santana would’ve went for a last hoorah in Philly with Rob Thomson, but oh well — Vinnie Pasquantino is worth a flyer for power in all leagues. It’s Vinnie Pasquantino PaiSZN! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Please see our player page for Maikel Franco to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.
For Mother’s Day, MLB uses pink bats. My suggestion for Father’s Day is bats with hairy bags hanging off the handle. This suggestion appears to fall on deaf ears, even though I go through the proper channels, filling out all the comment cards in the lobby at MLB headquarters. Even chitchatting with Jim, at security, for way longer than most people! No one hears my suggestions! Shoot, I was typing that instead of saying it out loud in the lobby. Hmm, my bad. Hope everyone’s Father’s Day was nice, with a special shoutout to the fathers who are “yelling at cars on their street to slow down” years old. You know who you are (all of you). So, all the fantasy fathers got good news this weekend, major rookie nookie incoming (not from their wives, as usual). First call-up was Alex Kirilloff, after being in my Friday Buy. Not sure if we’ll talk about him today on the podcast, since BDon spent the last six weeks talking about him incessantly like he lost a bet. Next up was Riley Greene, as he started in the majors on Saturday. Dan Pants gave you his Riley Greene fantasy on Saturday. I’ve been giving you a Riley Greene fantasy for the last six months. If you don’t pick up Riley Greene, you hate winning and America. You’re a Communist. I’m sorry, please enter your driver’s license number in the comments. We need to send people to your house. Finally, the Pirates made all our dreams come true. No, they didn’t dissolve into other teams, so all their pitchers could become aces. They called up Oneil Cruz! Literally just gave you my Oneil Cruz fantasy. It’s all there. The “it” I am referring to are his five tools and my post. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)
Max Meyer has got *palms out, fanning them out in the shape of a rainbow* flash, kid! He’s got a 11+ K/9 in the minors and pinpoint control! Max Meyer has got *palms out, fanning them out in the shape of a rainbow* pizzazz, kid! He’s only six-feet-tall, but he’s got the heart of a gorilla that just took one in the keister for a little kid! Max Meyer *palms out, fanning them out in the shape of a rainbow* is the future, kid! He’s got only two pitches, but, boy, do they sing! Like Ethel Merman in a too-tight brassiere! Max Meyer is *palms out, fanning them out in the shape of a rainbow* stuck behind Elieser Hernandez? C’mon, anyone believe Max Meyer can’t get out from under that cloud of mediocre? He will be called up any day now and, when he is, he could be as good as the Marlins’ 2nd best pitcher, and, for those slow on the uptake, the Marlins have four great pitchers. If you missed out on George Kirby, then Max Meyer is your man. He’s got panache, and I’m not just saying that because I’m pretending to be his agent in 1950. Fix him up with a dame for photos! No one likes a bachelor, see! They wanna imagine themselves with him! In Prospect Itch’s top 25 starting pitcher prospects, Meyer’s been said to have a shot at being an ace-level asset. See, he’s got zing! Also, Prospect Hobbs just gave you his Max Meyer fantasy. We are full-court pressing Meyer, and that’s no bologna! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
NY City’s newest fantasy ace Tylor Megill combined with four other relievers Friday night to throw the first Mets no hitter since Johan Santana in 2012. It was also the first no-no of the season, and just the second for the Mets in ever! Chris Bassitt says Manfred’s balls are all messed up–yet, he and […]Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Beer from last week was pretty skunky, and for that I am sorry. On a positive note, Urshela was an ice-cold glass of multi-hit goodness. You take the good, you take the bad, those are the facts of life. Some other facts of life are:Please, blog, may I have some more?
OK, Good Friday was last week and my headline is invalid. Not so fast, I’m obviously referring to Orthodox Good Friday. Yes, some of us are just a little more Christian than others. The good Fantasy Lord has blessed us with some real mediocre to bottom-barrel saviors this past Good-er (Better?) Friday, and if you’re […]Please, blog, may I have some more?
(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)
So the other day I was talking about how Joe Maddon was only playing Tyler Wade and Taylor Ward because it would confuse people into thinking they were in a sequel to Multiplicity and no one would be able to focus on trying to get them out, but, while I was saying that, I called them, Tyler Ward and Taylor Wade, and not one person corrected me in the comments, and y’all always be correcting me. See, I can’t even keep them straight. I’d attest Taylor Ward and Tyler Wade are the most confusing player names to ever be on the same team. They are more confusing than all of the Luis Garcias, because at least the Luis Garcias are all the same name. Taylor Wade and Tyler Ward–damn it! I did it again!–are so confusing, that their jerseys have the first two initials on the back before the last name, but their last names are not the same! The Taylor/Tyler Conundrum! Or rather the Twangel Dee And Twangel Conundrum! What if they don’t exist–Or what if they both exist but give different stats? Schrödinger’s Categories? Taylor Wade–Ward is your garden variety 25/2/.270 middle-of-the-order hitter. Your brand new version of Jared Walsh. Maddon also seems to love him, playing him every day in a good lineup position. Or he’s confused, and really loves Tyler Ward–Wade! He’s a 20+ steals middle infielder, who makes decent contact. Imagine David Fletcher. Now, forget him and picture someone with a name similar to Taylor Ward–Wade! No! Wait, Ward! I was right! I think. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hey, Timmy, thanks for coming to see me in this old age home. Did you bring me the stewed carrots I asked for? Oh, great. What a pal. Let me take my teeth out so I can slurp on the soft carrots. I can’t believe how old I feel now. What’s that? Speak up! How old am I?! Same age I was five days ago, but it’s not how old I am. It’s how old I feel. Oh, yeah, I was spry duck just last week, but the first week of April’s starting pitching has aged me forty years in five days. I started the week remembering to go pee-pee and poo-poo in the toilet, and now I’m wearing diapers! Stupid starting pitching! Welp, we have one good starter this year, his name is Alek Manoah (6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 7 Ks). Was watching Manoah last night and to say he looked good is somehow an understatement and an overstatement. He was unhittable, while also being nowhere near the plate for huge chunks of the game. It was not the best I had seen him — that was when he was interviewed with his mother and I was able to block him out of the shot with my hand. But for one magical night in April, we actually got a decent pitching line, so, ya know what? Alek Manoah looked as awesome as his mom, Aleka Momoah! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
So, the preseason looks like this usually: Update a post from last year with a find and replace for “2022 fantasy baseball,” do a schluffen, and wake me up in time for Opening Day. This year: Is there going to be an Opening Day? Then, I lower my head and walk off, tears rolling down my cheek. Slowly at first, then the tears pick up steam, and now it’s Niagara out of my tear ducts. As I pass a group of snickering kids, I scream, “My contact lenses are bothering me! Respect your elders!” So, since we have a little bit more time — and hopefully only a little bit of time — let’s take a moment and look at each NL divisional team and whom they will likely trot out there as their DH. Trot Nixon? No, that horsey is on a farm upstate. Geez, that sounds like he did a well-choreographed handshake with his maker. He’s just retired. About fourteen years now. Why is this post about Trot Nixon? Hard to say! So, who are the best candidates for DH on the NL East teams, and what can we expect from them for 2022 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
After his 500th home run, Miguel Cabrera has more to celebrate, his son, Edward–*intern whispers in ear*…I see….Asdrubal? No, huh? Melky? Orlando? Daniel? Former professional pitcher for the Rockies, Edwar Cabrera? Okay, I’m hearing Edward Cabrera is the newest Cabrera. In sixty years, my brain is going to be inside a robot, and Greybot 5000 is going to be like, “Streamonator was made by a human, but is not incorrect when it lists all starters for tomorrow as Cabreras, due to the Law of 2081 that stated only Cabreras can play baseball. That’s what happens when you make a Robot Ump commissioner, and let Robot Umps kill players who argue with them.” You see what happens when Robot Umps are implemented? I’m from the future and you must stop them! Any hoo! I told you to grab Edward Cabrera in the Buy column, because my Marlins’ contact said he’d be up soon, and would you look at that. Cabrera is set to start on Wednesday, bringing with him — 14.7 K/9 (Zoinks), 5.8 BB/9 (Yikes). As Prospect Itch said, “Edward Cabrera is something of a supersized Sixto with more strikeouts but less command. Huge upside with upper 90s heat. That I like to imagine hitting Grey in the melon.” Okay, not cool! I’d grab Cabrera in any league where you’re looking for some rookie nookie. Though, he could absolutely lead to roofies. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Serious question, are the Pirates stupid or purposely being daft? Is this some kind of long game con that I’m not clued in on? They traded Adam Frazier, who might be their best trade chip, five days before the deadline, and they got back SS Tucupita Marcano, OF Jake Suwinski and RHP Michell Miliano. I might’ve made up some of those names and you have no idea. Maybe the Pirates couldn’t have done better, but don’t you at least try for another five days? Pirates hear one offer and are like, “Ya know what, that sounds good, whatever you want to give us.” So, Adam Frazier is helped by this trade, because now he’s presumably the leadoff man on top of a much better lineup. He doesn’t gain power or speed, but he’s a contact guy so more runs. The guy hurt the most here is Jurickson Profar, but his hitting hurt him 2nd most. Over in Pittsburgh, this gives Wilmer Difo a chance to move out of a Platoon, and into the Green Goblin costume! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“Okay, guys, to start the song we’re going to count out to four, but we’re going to count 1, 2…Then go back to the beginning and finish with 1, 2, 3, 4…Questions?”
“Hey, Bruce Springsteen, uh, yeah, big fan, and I’m happy to have the opportunity to show you I belong as a background vocalist in the E Street Band — ESB? Do people use that? Anyhoo…Have you considered hiring someone else to count, because ‘1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4’ isn’t how people count?”
“Who are you?”
“I saw a flyer at The Stone Pony for an opening in your band.”
“That flyer was supposed to be taken down 48 years ago. Get out of here.”
And that’s how we got the title for this post: Al, Tu, Al, Tu, Ve, Four. It’s also how many homers Jose Altuve (2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, 16th homer, hitting .298) has in the last three games. He has eight homers in the last 10 games, but Bruce Springsteen never counted to eight. As another singer, Lady Sovereign, would sing, “Altuve is the biggest midget in the game!” That Lady Sovereign song is 15 years old, and now I feel 100 years old. Jose Altuve also has 16 homers in 57 games; his career high is 31. Maybe this time he can steal an MVP award from someone his own size (if he’s standing on top of a car, and you include the car’s weight). Imagine being Aaron Judge and saying Altuve stole an MVP from you. Bro, you stole the sun from anyone within 10 feet of you. It’s a form of cheating by just being big. At least that’s what I tell anyone who challenges me to any sporting event. So, drilling down on Altuve’s peripherals, he’s pulling everything, and his Launch Angle is a little goofy early on (as in high), which could lead to a lot of fly balls, and lower average, or more homers, if he’s connecting, as he has been. Now, if pitchers pound away, he might be in trouble. There’s a possibility here for him to come back to earth (small fall), but anyone would come back to earth after an eight-homer, ten-game stretch, but, in general, he seems back. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?