Serious question, are the Pirates stupid or purposely being daft? Is this some kind of long game con that I’m not clued in on? They traded Adam Frazier, who might be their best trade chip, five days before the deadline, and they got back SS Tucupita Marcano, OF Jake Suwinski and RHP Michell Miliano. I might’ve made up some of those names and you have no idea. Maybe the Pirates couldn’t have done better, but don’t you at least try for another five days? Pirates hear one offer and are like, “Ya know what, that sounds good, whatever you want to give us.” So, Adam Frazier is helped by this trade, because now he’s presumably the leadoff man on top of a much better lineup. He doesn’t gain power or speed, but he’s a contact guy so more runs. The guy hurt the most here is Jurickson Profar, but his hitting hurt him 2nd most. Over in Pittsburgh, this gives Wilmer Difo a chance to move out of a Platoon, and into the Green Goblin costume! Hold on a second, Pirates just called and accepted my offer! I traded a Dan Flashes shirt with a very complicated pattern for the Pirates’ outfielder, Bryan Reynolds, and they threw in $2.3 mill so I could buy two more shirts. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Daniel Lynch – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 7.88. There’s nothing here. Just wanted you to know the Scorcese on Da. Lynch.

Jorge Soler – 3-for-4 with his 10th and 11th homer, and four homers in the last week. Been saying to grab him for a week straight. You can wait until he’s not available, but that might not be the best move.

Rich Hill – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.95. Traded from the Rays to the Mets for Tommy Hunter and Matt Dyer. Trying hard to figure out how the Rays got the best of the Mets, but struggling to see it which is…confusing. Though, the Mets’ history with injury-prone players and Dick’s blisters, well, does he even make two starts. Not sure what’s to come with the MLB Trade Deadline, but I will bet anyone any amount of money the next big players to get traded are younger than 41 years of age.

Jacob deGrom – Threw yesterday, but Mets said there’s no timetable for deGrom to return. Hate to say this to fantasy baseballers with deGrom on their team, but the Mets are looking like playoff contenders, and there’s no way they’re risking deGrom in-season and costing themselves deGrom in the playoffs.

David Peterson – Out with a Jones fracture. It’s a fracture of the foot, and it was made famous originally when someone saw Chipper Jones in jean shorts, and the jorts were so distracting that person walked into a coffee table and fractured their foot.

Taijuan Walker – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.43. The last month of starts for Taijuan has been like the universe saying, “You know you’re not an ace, right?” Also, Walker hurt his non-throwing shoulder while swinging a bat, as he shows his negotiating chops for the new CBA.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Albombso!

Framber Valdez – 6 IP 0 ER, 0 hits, 6 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.97 vs. Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, 8 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Didn’t see the game, but I’m guessing they didn’t either, and were pitching blindfolded.

Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.12. From goat to GOAT in two short months.

Touki Toussaint – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.32. 10 Ks and zero walks? You want me to kiss the computer screen where your name is? Touki could win people leagues this year. Just as everyone is being shut down, he’s starting up. That’s exactly what you want.

Austin Riley – 3-for-4 and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and Riley is proving himself to be a crazy streaky hitter. His June and July were okay, but his May is what we want his August to be.

Aaron Nola – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.37. That’s it. You want the ace label, you pitch like an ace! That’s Grey giving a pep talk.

Ronald Torreyes – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer. Here I thought Torreyes were in a sunken place.

Mike Trout – Felt something in his calf and will see doctors. Maddon said it’s nothing serious. Hopefully, Maddon is the doctor Trout will be seeing.

Patrick Sandoval – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.52. He came within six weeks or two dollops of Spider Tack away from a no-hitter. Not to get all Nerd Patrol on you, but Sandoval throws with command and he’s going to be an ace. Sometimes, there’s just no command as his 3.6 BB/9 walk rate going into Saturday’s game attests (3.3 BB/9 now).

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-3 and a slam (35) and legs (13). He’s a hot streak away from starting the MLB 60-game schedule with 40 homers.

Max Stassi – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Maybe it’s because I watched too much Hogan’s Heroes as a kid (I’m not old at all!) but I can’t picture Max Stassi without a monocle.

Jaime Barria – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.23. Fun fact! Jesse Jackson calls New York the Jaime Barrio.

Luis Arraez – Hit the IL with a knee sprain. With Nelson traded and Arraez out, this opens up ABs for Jake “The Snake” Cave. At one point a few years ago, I thought so much of Cave I wrote a sleeper for him. Okay, you can stop your laughing.

Max Kepler – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, and his 3rd homer in six games. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time a Stassi and a German-born Kepler homered in a game since Cossacks were in power.

Cole Irvin – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.62. If you can’t beat the Mariners, who can you beat? Not to answer, but to purse your lips deep in thought.

Mookie Betts – Hit the IL. If you roster him, you’re so lucky. I wish Bellinger would go on the IL!

Josiah Gray – 4 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.75 vs. Jon Gray – 5 IP, 2 ER, This matchup of J. Grays was better than a matchup of S. Grays — Spalding Gray and Sonny Gray — but only barely. I’m so done with Josiah. I hate rookie pitchers. *literally two seconds later* But I love rookie pitchers!

Chris Taylor – 3-for-4 and his 15th and 16th homer. Chris Taylor has been more valuable than Mookie Betts and Cody Bellinger combined. Haha, someone push me out a window!

Kevin Gausman – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.21. Home vs. the Pirates? When a guy is at his most susceptible, that’s when the Regression Fairies come. It’s just like that in prison too.

Alex Wood – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.65. He was in Friday’s Buy, because this start was vs. the Pirates. C’mon, Gausman!

Thairo Estrada – 2-for-4, 1 run and a slam (3) and legs (1), hitting .339. He’s a favorite of Itch’s — his Thairo Estrada fantasy — and has great contact ability. Lo, Thairo, is irresistible.

LaMonte Wade Jr. – 3-for-5, and his 11th and 12th homer. In only 50 games, he’s done more than Cody Bellinger will do all year. “Run me over slowly!” That’s me screaming at an Uber I just ordered.

Eloy Jimenez – Will be activated before today’s game. Horn town, ressie for one!

Carlos Rodon – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.24 vs. Corbin Burnes – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.12. This weekend series of the Brewers/White Sox was like the Crocodile Dundee of matchups. “You’re not an ace…This is an ace.”

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.91 vs. Brandon Woodruff – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.14. “That’s not an ace…This is an ace!”

Freddy Peralta – Counsell said Peralta would piggyback with other starters, throwing four-ish innings per start. Sigh. This sucks. It’s gonna happen to all good pitchers this year. September is going to be such a mess for pitching.

Merrill Kelly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.39. Streamonator doesn’t like his next start vs. the Dodgers, and I wouldn’t go near it. Though, if Kelly can get to face Bellinger four times, he might have a chance.

Anthony Rizzo -2-for-4 and his 12th homer. HR to the Izzo!

Kris Bryant – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, as he went back-to-back with Rizzo for what might be the last Bryzzo blasts.

Trevor Rogers – Hit the IL with “we can’t keep starting Trevor Rogers the whole year and risk his future career to finish twenty games under .500.” The only known cure is the Marlins win the next 15 straight games.

Braxton Garrett – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.37. From the iconic role of Ray Romano’s brother to random Marlins starter who does well, Braxton Garrett can do it all. Except be a reliable starter.

Deven Marrero – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (1) and legs (1). As I always say, nine years after a prospect looks terrible in the minors, that’s when you want to stream him.

Yu Darvish – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.27, and 19 2/3 IP in July with 16 earned runs. Yu don’t want to see that from your ace.

Jameson Taillon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.36. We all have different size leagues, and different levels of struggles to find pitching, but if you’re starting a near-4.40 ERA pitcher in Fenway, it’s bad process, even if it worked out okay (after there were some unearned runs).

Domingo German – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.45. Sunday Sonntag looked guten, even if the Yanks Das Boot’d the game. As for fantasy, this is a solid step forward for a guy who I had no interest in prior. Streamonator loves his next one, and I could see it.

Rougned Odor – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. There’s an Odor that is the Yankees’ MVP, and it’s not Rougned. Not going down the ‘real baseball’ chute too far, but the way the Yanks lost yesterday’s game — *shudders for five minutes* Woof. The Yankees should be sellers of everyone.

Nathan Eovaldi – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.49. EVOO is Extra Virgin Olive Oil. EOVA is the first four letters of Eovaldi. Any questions? *chooses person with hand raised* Yes. Go ahead. “Why are you telling us this?” Okay, if there’s no more questions, I’m passing out the tests.

Sonny Gray – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.50. Hey, self love is most important, as A-Rod preaches, but I’m losing Gray in shallower leagues if I can. He looks busted.

Joey Votto – 1-f0r-3, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Saw someone recommending people pickup Votto in leagues. He’s not actually available, is he?

Harrison Bader – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games, and top 25 on the 7-day Player Rater, and hot schmotato.

Dylan Carlson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Hitting leadoff and has been hot, but can we talk about how he’s on pace for a very-un-walloping 17 homers? We can’t talk about it? Oh, okay.

Nolan Arenado – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 20th homer. A man in a dashiki and long, wispy mustache said he would write down the secret of life for me, but I shouldn’t read it until tomorrow. So, I’m gonna put the paper holding the secret of life carelessly by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!

Alex Bregman – Starting a rehab soon, but unlikely to return on a road trip that ends on August 3rd. Astros are slow-playing Bregman. In the time he’s been out, you could’ve had trash cans delivered by championship float from Los Angeles. Not sure why I chose that analogy. Just felt apt.

Max Scherzer – Had an MRI on his triceps and Davey Johnson said the MRI “came back extremely clean.” It was the “cleanest MRI anyone’s ever seen.” You could “eat off this MRI it was so clean.” If I were another team wanting to trade for Scherzer, I’d have “no concerns.”

Stephen Strasburg – Will visit a specialist since no one can figure out what’s wrong with him. Guessing it’s related to his first decade of injuries, but what do I know?

Carter Kieboom – 0-for-3 as he was promoted, which comes after he tore up Triple-A slashing .236/.376/.385 with five homers and one steal.

Joe Ross – Will be returning on Monday. Wait a second! That’s today! Don’t sneak up on me! Ross was great prior to the IL stint, but also had elbow inflammation, so that’s not good.

Matt Harvey – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.65. It’s more accurately 6.66, because he’s the most sinister pitcher. He’ll sleep with your best player’s wife, then put together a great game during Trade Deadline Week just to try to rope in some unsuspecting team.

Maikel Franco – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Can’t believe Donkey Teeth’s team with Maikel Franco is only in 12th out of 16 teams. Truly shocking, and I think there’s something suspicious going on.

Trey Mancini – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .266, and 2nd homer in two games, and has hit in every game of the 2nd half, except the 1st, and I said he was a Buy in the 2nd half of the season. Don’t mess with the Italians, we stick together.

John Means – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.94. Since he was coming back from an arm injury, I’d have no problem moving on from him. That Means…Well, yes.

Ryan Yarbrough – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.38. Has anyone done a 12,000-word piece about the Rays’s surf culture having both a Yarbrough and a Brosseau? No? Hmm, prolly for the best. As for fantasy, Yarbrough has been mostly unstartable, due to flaky good start mixed in with awful start.

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-3 and his 21st homer, and 2nd homer already with the Rays. Nelson Cruz went to Tampa to homer and chew gum, and his dentures make it impossible to chew gum.

Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer. Hernandez now has more homers than Giancarlo Stanton, who’s been seemingly healthy all year. Direct line from Cesar to Brutus to brutal. By the by, as most of you heard by now, Cleveland is taking the name Guardians. I’m told this is because the statues on the Hope Memorial Bridge are called the Guardians of Traffic. So, someone was sitting in traffic and came up with the name? If they’re named after statues, was the name Emmys in the running? If they’re named after statues, why does their new logo with wings look like a maxi pad?


Or maybe as this guy nailed:

Or they could’ve went with the best and most obvious name change:

But nah. In fairness to the Cleveland Guardians, every team name likely starts by sounding stupid. We just get used to them. 120 years ago people were like, “Red Sox? I’m wearing beige socks, you idiots!”