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(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH OR $13/MONTH WITH AN EXTRA WEEKLY PODCAST.)

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J.D. Martinez was first to the Just Dong nickname, even though recently Jeff Bezos tried to co-op it himself:

Well, put aside your Dongs, Just and Jeff! There’s a new Just Dong in the picture. It’s J.D. Davis aka Jonathan Davis Davis aka Jefferson Davis Davis aka Just Dong Davis. Was surprised to see him only rostered in 35% of ESPN leagues, so ding-ding Just Dong, you’re eligible for the Buy column! Back in 2019, Jonathan Davis Davis had his star mitzvah, which had us all scratching our heads, “Did the Astros really lose a trade to the…Mets?” Appizzarently, they did. The only thing stopping J.D. Davis from taking that next step was. Dot dot dot. His health. But he’s good now, and he has himself a rocket ship to the rotating planet of Third Outfielder With Rising Fantasy Value. It’s an outlying planet, but it’s worth making space on your team. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Mitch Garver – From a Just Dong to a guy with just a dong. Is it weird at all that the two most recent guys who needed a vacuum to suck their testicles out of their body are Mitches? So close to becoming *itches.

Tres Barrera – “…and that was the moment when Grey realized he was recommending a player in Tres Barrera who no one in their right mind would add to their fantasy team.” *closes storybook*

Patrick Wisdom – Mentioned this earlier this week, but, on our 30-day Player Rater, Wisdom’s been better than Kris Bryant. Ya know, the Kris Bryant that is going to supposedly save every real-life playoff contender.

Gavin Sheets – “I could give two Sheets!” That’s a wedding planner for the Sheets family as they try to balance the tables with just the right number of Sheets. I don’t know where these White Sox are getting all these random guys to produce, but I’m almost positive La Russa is picking them up at the bar late-night.

Ty France – Kinda understand why people are not trampling over each other like it’s the latest Playstation on Black Friday to get Ty France, because of his wussy last name! Kidding, it’s because he doesn’t have big-time power or any speed. It’s the wussy thing, ain’t it?

Kolten Wong – Let’s recap this post: Just Dong, just a dong, and Wong. I’m like Haley Joel Osment but I see Dongs.

Wilmer Difo – As Roger Ebert once said, Difo’s really great in a Platoon.

Thairo Estrada – Prospect Itch just wrote 700 words about his Thairo Estrada fantasy and I couldn’t do it justice by just grabbing a quote, it’s all so good — a heart emoji while Seal’s Kiss From A Rose plays.

Miguel Rojas – Mike Red sounds like a character from Wily Wonka. Was hoping Bryson Brigman would be called up to replace Jazz, but the Marlins seem to be favoring the cool stylings of Rojas.

Sam Hilliard – Is it surprising to anyone that Sam Hilliard finally started getting playing time at the same time that Bud Black was placed under Covid protocols from the Superspreader All-Star Game? No, friend, it is not. Hilliard would be the number one Buy if he weren’t prone to striking out 40% of the time.

Jarren Duran – Here’s my Jarren Duran fantasy. It was written while memorizing word-for-word Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World.

Jarred Kelenic – It’s the Jarre Bros. “Hey, ma, these pickle containers won’t open!” “They’re Jarre’s!” *80’s sitcom theme song plays, a giant pickle jar opens and a logo “The Jarre Bros.” spins out* Here’s my Jarred Kelenic fantasy. It’s from before his first call-up, but it’s the same diff.

Brandon Marsh – Here’s my Brandon Marsh fantasy. It was written with my toes.

Aristides Aquino – *left side of the mouth* Hola… *right side of the mouth* …Aquino… *full mouth* Holaquino. He is the GGOATOAT and with The Greek God of Hard Contact sidelined, Aquino could get ABs.

Jorge Soler – Find a guy who will hit more homers in the 2nd half than he did in the 1st half, who also wasn’t hurt. Not an easy task, could be Soler.

Akil Baddoo – Here’s some actionable fantasy advice:  The upside guy (Marsh, Kelenic) is sexy, hump-hump but the guy who actually provides fantasy value (Baddoo) is likely much more valuable. Didn’t include Duran in the upside parenthesis, because he could steal 20 bags in two months and that’s crazy valuable.

Bradley Zimmer – The good news is if you lost Voit and grabbed Zimmer, you can change your team name to Luke-a-Bra-Zi. The bad news is you have Bradley Zimmer on your team. I kid. He’s in this column, because he was doing well on our 7-Day Player Rater.

Josiah Gray – Here’s my Josiah Gray fantasy. It was written while trying to find Waldo.

Touki Toussaint – Here’s my Touki Toussaint fantasy. It parked its classic car outside of a flea market every Sunday.

Steven Matz – This is a Streamonator call like the call it makes to Randy Newman’s Fan Club headquarters.

Alex Wood – This is also a Streamonator call. “I need a friend, and he said I’ve got a friend in him.”

Blake Treinen – Went over this morning what a literal shizz show Kenley Jansen has been recently. Don’t make me go back there. It’s too painful.

Ranger Suarez – Have the Phillies traded for Kimbrel yet? How about now? Now? How about Dick-Rod? Do they have Dick-Rod yet?

Tyler Wells – The big, big, big, big, big *checks notes* big righty is in line for O’s saves. Should he be? El oh–*coughs* I don’t know, doesn’t matter.

Andrew Chafin – Have the Phillies or anyone traded for Kimbrel yet? Okay, you get the picture/pitcher.

David Bednar – See the previous blurbs about Kimbrel and replace with Dick-Rod, Blurbhead!

Joakim Soria – Here’s one team that’s definitely not trading for anyone!

Trevor May – Have the Mets traded–Okay, I don’t know where Kimbrel or Dick-Rod are going, or if they’re going anywhere. Edwin Diaz looks cooked like a Chopped contestant’s risotto they try to make in 20 minutes. It never works! Why do they keep trying? Have they never seen this show before? You need more time for a proper risotto!

SELL

DJ LeMahieu – On the Player Rater, he’s been about as valuable as Jed Lowrie. I will now cackle for 45 minutes, until I’m asked to leave this Chipotle. “Keep your delicious cilantro-lime rice, you cowards!” That’s me being dragged from Chipotle. On the Player Rater, DJ LeMahieu is in the top 25 overall, just barely. Shoot, realizing I should’ve added in the top 25 overall for 2nd basemen. Important bit at the end there. On Statcast, LeMahieu has the 14th worst barrels per plate appearance, about the same as Josh Harrison. LeMahieu’s done, bros and five lady-bros. Can you get anything in a trade on his name value alone? Then I would. Don’t trade him for a DVD copy of Green Book dubbed into Farsi but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.