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Who’s going to win their fantasy league? …did you just point at yourself? Okay, you might win your fantasy league, but I was setting myself up with a thought. The people who are going to win their fantasy leagues this year are the ones navigating the rough terrain of having zero pitchers healthy. Zippo, zilch, N to the ada. It’s going to be imperative to find well-rested starters who are able to throw another 60+ IP innings. Guys, who much like Jeff Bezos, aren’t taxed. Enter stage right…*curtain moves but no one enters*…pull the cord to open the curtains! Suddenly, Touki Toussaint stumbles through. Yesterday, Touki Toussaint threw a gem vs. the Padres — 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks in his first MLB start of the year. In addition to the Ks, he induced nine ground balls with solid command. Most importantly this year, he’s capable of throwing another 60+ IP. Now, Touki, take a curtain call! Actually, don’t. We don’t have time. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Yu Darvish – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.09, as he was activated from the IL. Stay healthy for two months, Yu lovecat!

Brady Singer – Hit the IL with shoulder fatigue. It’s pronounced fay-tee-gay, it’s Italian!

Danny Duffy – Hit the IL with a left flexor strain. The Royals might be the first team with zero starters, but won’t be the last this year.

Mike Minor – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.45. Streamonator loved this start, and kinda likes his next start too, but my interest in Minor is….uh…What’s an adjective for small or little?

Jorge Soler – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. ‘Member like a month ago I said David Fletcher was a .320 hitter who had a .270 average, and should be hitting 50 points higher? Okay, with that in mind, Soler should be a 27-homer hitter. He has a lot more power to hit.

Trevor Rogers – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.37. Over the last month, he was the 10th least valuable starter on the Player Rater with at least four starts, and 75% rostered. Hasn’t been bad, but he should definitely be shut down in August.

Adam Duvall – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer. Since I had the Player Rater open, any ideas where Duvall ranks for outfielders? Nope, nuh-uh, try again! He’s the 18th best outfielder, just leapfrogging Austin Meadows. Oh, and he’ll homer again today.

Paulo Espino – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Paulo: The Nats’ number two starter and the worst Lost character arc.

Josh Bell – 1-for-1 and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Don’t usually mention pinch-hit homers, but he is a hot schmotato.

Mike Trout – Ran the bases before the game. It wasn’t at full intensity. Another difference between LA and Anaheim. LA is full on tent city.

Matt Olson – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Haven’t even taken a well-earned victory lap on Olson. Don’t worry, it will happen at some point. Save up my strength.

James Kaprielian – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.65. At worst a MediOAKer for the Streamonator. At best, well, look at his ERA.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-5 and his 19th homer, and 49th homer since the Derby, and every hitter should be in the Derby. Can we get a Home Run Derby for Cody Bellinger?

Robert Stock – Left with a hamstring injury. Not sure how they pulled it off, but the Mets’s rotation has negative one starter.

Edwin Diaz – Luis Rojas said there’s no thought being given to removing Diaz from the closer role. Then I say, think harder.

Wade Miley – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.72. It’s gonna be August and Wade Miley’s gonna have a sub-3 ERA, and you’re over there thinking about starting Andrew Heaney and his 5.50+ ERA.

Aristides Aquino – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer. The GGOATOAT homered off a righty. Maybe-Not-A-Hall-of-Famer Stephen Nogosek? Yes, but still, it’s something.

Joey Votto – 2-for-3 and his 12th homer. In case you haven’t seen a Cincy game recently, that park gives me the 2019 feels as balls just absolute zoom out of there.

Jonathan India – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer since Saturday. India with a hot schmotato, that he can turn into a tasty schmotato korma.

Amir Garrett – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 6.75, and the save. Muslim Mrs. Garrett becoming the lights-out closer I thought he could in March only for it to happen two months after I’ve dropped him everywhere is a fitting end to my Amir Garrett blurb.

Yoan Moncada – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and his 3rd homer in the last four games, and my number one Buy in the 2nd half after. Dot dot dot. (See next line.)

Josh Donaldson – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 15th homer. Did you watch me motion wildly to Donaldson’s Statcast page and understand what I was doing or did you just wonder, “Why is he motioning wildly?”

Jorge Polanco – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .255. So, this is slightly nuts. I’ve had Polanco for about two months in my RCL, and I know he’s doing all right. I looked at the 30-day Player Rater and saw he was around 75th overall, then I narrowed it down to 2nd basemen, and guess how many 2nd basemen are in the top 75. Forget it, you’ll never guess. Twenty! To give you an idea, there’s usually about 20 outfielders in the top 75, and maybe three to five 2nd basemen. Usually.

Hansel Robles – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and a home run allowed to Jose Abreu (3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs; his 18th homer) to put the finishing touches on my ulcer. Robles has reached the point where I have him on my teams, and I don’t want him ever called into the game.

Max Kepler – 2-for-4 and a slam (11) and legs (8), hitting .212. This were his first hits of the 2nd half. His definition of Max is different than mine.

John Means – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.72, as he was activated from the IL. He was excellent before the injury, and now, well, now is now. Which Means…? *looks both ways very slowly* I don’t know. I’m pretty torn on Means going forward. Hate pitchers with shoulder injuries.

Randy Arozarena – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer. Still pretty down on The Rice Bowl in a non-sexual way. Before his home run, Arozarena was the 1st player in ten years to have no homers, no steals and five caught stealings in a 20-game span.

Shane McClanahan – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.88. I’ll give it to Manoah, Gilbert and McClanahanananananananan. They didn’t look great in their first start or three, but they’ve settled in very nicely.

Zach Eflin – Hit the IL with patellar tendinitis. *sitting on a stoop in New York, snapping fingers* Patellar about it. Patellar all your crazy dreams. *sees you* Oh, hey, I’m the Piano Man. So, this is terrible Eflin news, or it’s a way to tamp down his innings.

Aaron Nola – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.64, as he was activated from the IL. You ever realize something about 32 years after everyone else? I just realized NOLA stands for New Orleans, Louisiana. Did everyone know this? You did, didn’t you? Haha, I’m so dumb. Any hoo! Nola’s been better than his ERA, but your league just counts ERA, huh?

Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 21st homer. Lots of people don’t know this, but his full first name is Rhysespieces. I’m just a trivia buff!

Brett Gardner – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer. How bad are the Yankees? Audience refrain, “How bad are they?!” They’re so bad, they have the corpse of Brett Gardner hitting leadoff, and because they didn’t want him Zombino’ing around center, they called up Estevan Florial. Speaking of which…

Estevan Florial – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. 13 years of Spanish tells me Estevan translates to “It’s a van.” Pretty smart, huh? Florial is a guy who was hitting .213 in Triple-A. Though, he does have great speed, if, ya know, are so inclined.

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer. Also, in this game, Gary Sanchez (2-for-3) hit his 17th homer. Oh, man, I think horny stuff with Giancarlo, but it is so sad that he’s hitting less homers than a catcher who went like 1-for-April-and-May.

Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 1 ER, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.41, recorded his 17th save, and only one home run allowed to Andrew McCutchen. What success!

Spencer Turnbull – Will have Tommy John surgery. Um, because he needs it. Not for s’s and g’s.

Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Finding myself look at pitch counts for every starter. Skubal was at 83 pitches when he got the gentle butt pat from Hinch. Streamonator also doesn’t like his next, for what it’s Cronenworth.

Robbie Grossman – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer since Saturday. Also, in this game, Eric Haase (1-for-4) hit his 14th homer. Okay, is it me (it’s not me) or does it feel like they’re using the 2019 baseballs again? Manfred! What are you up to now?

Johan Oviedo – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.81. *shakes John Gant’s Samsonian head* C’mon, Little Lucky Pitcher Factory in John Gant’s hair! *Johan Oviedo falls out* Nice!

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. Sure am glad I wrote down the directions on how to take care of this Gremlin. Before reading the three simple rules, I’m going to put the written rules down by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!

Kris Bryant – Out with a hammy, but the only thing hurt is his trade value–Oops, the Ricketts’ Family just sent out a cease and desist, and I’m prohibited from mentioning Bryant’s injury, in case other teams are reading.

Josiah Gray – 4 IP, 4 ER in his 1st start. Hmm, maybe it wasn’t so great that I won him in my FAAB bidding. *laughs slowly as tears fall down my cheeks* So, that wasn’t ideal, but the 1927 Giants are not a team to mess with, and I’d try to hold Gray for another start, if you need him.

Chris Taylor – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. Would’ve been better off drafting Chris Taylor in the 2nd round over Bellinger. Haha…*walks into the ocean*

Thairo Estrada – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Who? No idea! Look at this murderer’s row of production:  LaMonte Wade Jr. (1-for-3) hit his 9th (!); Alex Dickerson (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 9th (!), and Carl’s Jr. Jr. hit his 15th homer. The Giants could turn Cody Bellinger back into a top 15 overall hitter.

Tyler Rogers – 0 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.05, and his 5th blown save. Hey, sleepy head, you prolly went to sleep before this game concluded. So, let me be the first to tell you, Tyler Rogers dropped a turd in your bed, then lit it on fire.

John Nogowski – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. More like YES-gowski! RIGHT?! Right? Is anyone there…? Darkness falls, and the sun rises. This repeats a thousand times. A parched Grey raises his head, “YES-gowski?” We see Grey’s drawn Nogowski’s face on a volleyball.

Chris Sale – Sat 97 MPH in his 3 2/3 IP of scoreless rehab, and it’s time to giddy your ups, if Sale is out there for the getting.

Connor Joe – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his first major league homer. Two questions: Where’d he come from? Where’d he go?

C.J. Cron – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. It took me three hours to get the Cotton-Eyed Joe song out of my head from the Connor Joe blurb. Then I looked at the box score again, and saw, “Cron (14), Joe (1)” and I started another hour-long karaoke sesh of singing Cron-or-Eyed Joe.

Luis Garcia – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.86. How many more innings can he throw? Thanks for asking. I’d guess roughly 45 more innings.

Kyle Tucker – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Absolutely totally adjectively fine, but, also, not amazing.

Jose Altuve – 2-for-4 and his 21st and 22nd homer. If I were an awards voter, I’d vote for Altuve for MVP, then put my MVP vote in a trash can, then go to Mailboxes Etc., and find out what the postage is for a trash can. Then find out what the postage is if I get inside the trash can, then find out the postage if I put five-to-seven days worth of meals in the trash can, then I would set up a GoFundMe to see if someone would pay for me to be shipped to the league office, and, if someone else paid, I’d ship myself with my vote for Altuve.