(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)
It’s time for a Pirates mailbag:
Q: Hey, Mikey Yinz here, I was over in Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. Not Fred. I mean Roger Rogers, guy I went to Andy Carnegie High School with. I don’t know his real name, we call him Roger Rogers because he’s got a stutter. We were watching the Pirates and eating a two-hander from Primanti’s, and Roger Rogers says to me, after some coaxing with a smack on his back, “What’s going on with Oneil Cruz?” And it got me thinking, let me ask Grey.
A: He’s being called up soon, or not at all, like Bobby Witt Jr. from last year. He’s past service time thresholds. Of course, there’s a new CBA that might have new cutoff days. Baseball’s service time is purposely incomprehensible. It’s like the tax code. They don’t want us to know.
Q: Is he a generational talent like Pops Stargell or a no-good, sell-out like Sid Bream?
A: Closer to a generational talent, but depends on how long the Pirates keep him in the minors on what generation. We have a tool — the Prospectonator — that projects every rookie, and Oneil Cruz is number one by a large margin. He’s a 25/15/.260 hitter (prorated), if he ever gets to the majors.
Q: Like the difference between homemade ketchup and Pittsburgh’s own H.J. Heinz?
Q: 57 varieties and thicc, baby! Ain’t that right, Roger Rogers? Yo, he just gave you a double nod! Would you say, “Oneil’s finally a prospect to buy without warning ‘But Pirates?'”
Q: Say it: “But Pirates.”
Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Christian Bethancourt – Seth Brown and Bethancourt formed a new team in Oakland, the Ath. They’re ethellent. Their manager, Seth Smith, is just happy to be back with the game he loveth. Reporter, “Sorry, are you saying you loathe baseball or love?” Seth takes a moment and adds, “No more quethins for today.”
Gabriel Moreno – As long as Danny Jansen is out with a fractured finger, Moreno is worth a flyer. Likely Kirk is the number one catcher on most days, and Moreno is about as valuable as, say, Caratini. The catcher, not the drink.
Alex Kirilloff – In my offseason sleeper post for Kirilloff, I wrote, “Kiriloff is a 60-grade power and hit tool guy in a Hot Girl Summer. That essentially means he could sorta be (player’s name).” You’ll never guess what player I comped him to. You could have unlimited guesses, and you never will. Such a hilarious comp I kinda don’t want to tell you. Okay, I will mention him later in this post, and we will laugh then. Any hoo! Kirilloff is still very much on my mixed league radar, and is capable of lots of power, and won’t kill you in average.
Seth Brown – “I thaid no more quethins!”
Ji-Man Choi – I see he’s been hot, but I honestly can’t even see myself picking him up, so, well, yeah.
Nathaniel Lowe – One side note (like the rest of this shizz isn’t side notes), who changes their name from Nate to Nathaniel? What is this, the 1760s? Nate, ahem, Nathaniel has been on a heater for the last few weeks, and has been better than Matt Olson on the year. *applies Joker makeup*
Bobby Dalbec – As always, I went to the 7-day Player Rater and found some of the top hitters, and was surprised to find Dalbec. He feels like a total bust already, and he’s only been not-so-good for about six weeks.
Luis Garcia – “Hey, are you Luis Garcia?” “Yes, how did you know?” “Because you said you play baseball.”
Orlando Arcia – It’s just sad to even suggest Arcia because he means Ozzie’s not here.
Jon Berti – He’s running like he’s on the Royal Court of SAGNOF, still presided over by Rajai Davis, though he’s been trying to find himself in the ruins of Pompeii for a few years now. He thought “ruins” was actually “runs,” and no one had the heart to tell him otherwise.
Matt Carpenter – His first two weeks on the Yankees, well, we haven’t seen anything like this since…Oh, we have to call him Maas Carpenter.
Ezequiel Duran – I saw a Rangers’ beat writer call him Zeke, and I really like that. There should be more Zekes, in general. Gonna start calling every third person I meet, Zeke. The Rangers’ beat writer said, “Zeke Duran’s MLB debut was June 4. Since his debut, he’s had 10 balls hit 100+. Only eight players have more 100+ batted balls since Duran’s debut.” Zoinks, Zeke, zoinks!
Didi Gregorius – With a lack of shortstops to give you to pick up, I was left going to “guy who could be decent because he’s playing and in the middle of a solid lineup, but really hasn’t been that great.”
Oscar Gonzalez – His BABIP is absurd. He also has no speed, and just a smidge of power. I’m just couching expectations. I don’t mind him for a hot bat.
Jarren Duran – Here’s what I said the other day, “Jarren was an immediate pickup for me in multiple leagues. He has 12+ homer power, 40+ steal speed and could hit .280. Will he stay up and play? Haven’t the foggiest.” And that’s me quoting me!
Adam Duvall – That he was so good last year, then absolutely absent in the last two months was weird, but Duvall seems back to hitting bombs in clusters. Speaking of Duvall (I am), tried watching Lonesome Dove recently. Think it lost something in the last thirty-five years. Days of Thunder though? Still a chef’s kiss up a thigh that follows a sugar packet.
Lane Thomas – His walks are down, his Ks are up. He’s hitting .250 from the leadoff or two-hole with potential for 20 homers and 7 steals this year. Sounds like your slightly older brother’s Eddie Rosario with just slightly less power. (And that’s your answer to the Kirilloff blurb. I comped him to Rosario.)
Michael A. Taylor – Welcome, MAT, to my teams, which is also what I call the Denny’s placemat I have under my Macbook to try to summon more slam and legs.
Kevin Kiermaier – I love, love, lurve Rays’ pitchers. I’m rocking like eight of their middle relievers across different leagues, from Adam to Poche. Their hitters leave me so yawnstipated, though. With that said, Kiermaier’s been hot, but might be injured, so check that first.
Christopher Morel – Recently, went over Morel on our Youtube channel — click that and click subscribe, please.
Taijuan Walker – This is a Streamonator call. Like the call it makes to its local supermarket.
Chris Flexen – This is also a Streamonator call. “You’re open 24/7/365, right? So, if I rust myself by crying at your friendship greeting cards, you won’t lock me in your store?”
Kendall Graveman – Liam Hendriks could be back in a few weeks, months or years. Not joking. Forearm issues are not good. Like he’s got one foot in the…well, Graveman, that’s your guy.
Tanner Houck – As mentioned on the podcast this week, Tanner could also be a top closer, prolly rank him around the 7th to 10th closer off the board, if we were redrafting and the Red Sox fully committed to him. The Incredible Houck? More like The Possibly Incredible Houck.
Tanner Scott – If MLB is doing climate change activism with all these Tanners…*seeing intern shake her head*…hearing that’s not what’s going on. Mattingly wants to have one guy as closer, he’s chosen Scott, so that’s the closer until further notice. I still like Bass. Anthony, not the fish. I mean, yes, the Fish, as in the Marlins, but–You know what I mean.
Seranthony Dominguez – If you don’t say his first name with a British accent, while eating human brains, what are you even doing? You’re not committed to the bit! That’s for sure. I also am holding Hand, like I’m Ringo Starr playing fantasy. Hopefully not with Tommy Pham. Don’t you dare slap Ringo!
John Schreiber – I know what you’re thinking, “Was that my 8th grade science teacher’s real name? I just called him Mr. Schreiber. What’s Grey doing here?” Did your Mr. Schreiber gain velocity this year and have an insane ERA and WHIP? Yes, and no? Okay, then he’s not the same guy.
Alex Bregman – This is a Sell layup. An Iceman finger roll. An alley oop. Not an alley oops, which would’ve been Karen in Goodfellas if she listened to Jimmy about some real nice Dior dresses he had for her. Alex Bregman has sucked for a while now. I’m still fielding questions on him, and he’s at 99.6% rostered at ESPN, so someone’s still on board. Maybe they fell asleep while Don’t Stop Believin’ was playing and it ear-wormed into their subconscious, who’s to say? (I am, that’s likely what happened.) In his last ~200 games, he has 24 HRs. Hey, if he plays to 109 years old, he could reach 500 homers. He does nothing well — not average, not speed, not power. Okay, he takes a walk, but you all can’t be in OBP leagues. I wouldn’t trade him for the world’s smallest violin that you need a microscope to play, but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.