NY City’s newest fantasy ace Tylor Megill combined with four other relievers Friday night to throw the first Mets no hitter since Johan Santana in 2012. It was also the first no-no of the season, and just the second for the Mets in ever! Chris Bassitt says Manfred’s balls are all messed up–yet, he and his Mets co-starters don’t seem to be having too many issues as they’re top of the standings with 15 wins. After Tylor flexed his stuff for five innings, Drew Smith, Joely Rodriguez and Seth Lugo all pitched strong enough to get the Metropolitans to Edwin Diaz, who closed it with a perfect ninth, striking out the side with 13 pitches for his fourth save (we call that a Kimbrel!) Tylor “Yeah, I Spell It With An O, So What” Megill led the charge for the Mets continuing his incredible start to 2022 with five shutout innings, allowing just three walks and striking out five. The Big Drip is now 4-0 in his five starts with a real nice as heck 1.93 ERA and a 27/7 K/BB. What’s that on you’re sleeve Ty-ty? Is it spider tack? Oh, it appears to be a little bit of Max Scherzer schmutz has rubbed off on you and your teammates! Don’t Look Up, but the Mets are pretty good, Leo, J-Law, Jonah and Meryl. The best thing to come out of all of this may have been Pete Alonso’s (1-for-4 , HR (4)) post-game interview calling it the “coolest thing ever” and comparing the Mets no-hitter to seeing a “white buffalo“. Also, blasting DMX with the boys!? Sounds to me like this team got chemistry, Walter White! Maybe Bassitt should stop complaining so much, a few HBPs never hurt anyone–what’s that? I’m being told through my earpiece that that is not true, I’m wrong, and that HBPs can in fact be quite dangerous. And now I’m being told this is not an earpiece at all, I have a stale Cheetoh in my ear. Who’s saying these things!? Get outta my head! Well anyway, bring back the tacky or tighten those stitches! I think I’ve seen enough white buffalos for one season and I’m ready for some more home runs now!

Here’s what else I saw Friday night in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Nola – 6.0 IP, 7 hits, 3 ER, 9 K, 3rd L. NOLA had tough luck losses to the Suns and the Mets all in the same night. Curse you, Chris Paul! A-aron was going toe-to-toe with Megill until Pete Alonso white buffalo’d him out of the game. Welp, at least Zion could be back next year!

Corey Kluber – 6.0 IP, 1 hit, ER, 6 K, 1st win. Corey K is now rocking a respectable 3.05 ERA, 1.16 WHIP and has rediscovered his fantasy value with the Devils Rays. The 18/5 K/BB is an added bonus and should be a great streaming option versus the Oakland Ehs next week.

Dylan Bundy – 6.0 IP, 7 hits, 6 ER, 2 BB, 7 K with a 2.95 ERA and 0.94 WHIP. The regression fairies know you haven’t seen the new Moon Knight yet and post screenshots to your feed. They will spoil MCU secrets and ruin your ratios. Bundy got clobbered while his teammates got Kluber’ed. Still, as far as getting shelled goes, I’ll take a shellacking like this any day of the week. Six innings and 7 Ks, yah okay I get it. It twas natural regression and it was the Rays I guess. He gets Baltimore next week and I wouldn’t drop Bundy anywhere yet. No Ma’am!

Wander Franco – 2-for-4, SB (3). Wanderbar! Not a lot of home runs in 2022, but there seem to be plenty of steals! I thought Franco had no speed? I Wander why Grey told us to draft anyway?

Josh Lowe – 1-for-4, HR (1). Have a day, rook! Too bad I dropped you 3 weeks ago!

Yu Darvish – 6.0 IP, 8 hits, 3 ER, BB, 5 K, 2nd win. Y Yu mad? Did you expect a better outing against the Pirates? Yu will take your win and Yu will be happy with it!

Daniel Vogelbach – 2-for-4, 2 RBI. He was a BUY! And he’s hitting clean up for the Pirates, which is kind of like hitting seventh for the Dodgers. That’s a compliment and the .311/.373/.508 with three bombs should be good for some RBIs in any line up.

Ha-Seong Kim – 2-for-4, HR (3) slashing .273/.373/.568. Not only are you not Fernando Tatis, you’re not C.J. Abrams either. Who the heck do you think you are then!?

Mitch Haniger – Fresh off being activated from the COVID list, Mitch suffered a high ankle sprain and looks to be headed to the IL. Maybe this means they’ll move J-Rod up in the line up!?

Tanner Houck – 3.0 IP, 2 hits, 3 BB, 4 K, 2nd win. Piggy-backed off Rich Hill (4.0 IP, 1 hit, 4 K) and oh no the Red Sox are turning into the Rays. Rich “Ain’t Over The” Hill retired 12 straight before his perfecto was spoiled in the fifth, and Tanner came in to relieve him. What the Houck! I need Tanner to start. If this is going to become a thing, you could probably lose Houck in shallower leagues where better options are available.

Matt Strahm – 0.1 IP, BB, K SV (1).  Matt finished this one because Hansel Robles (0.2 IP, 2 hits, allowed a 9th inning home run to Ryan Mountcastle) could not get it done. The Sawx bullpen might be the biggest dumpster fire in MLB and Trevor Bauer actually built an active dumpster fire in his backyard to invite his Tinder dates home to fool around in. Still, all these shmucks will remain relevant because Boston wins more games than Pittsburgh or Baltimore. I thought Barnes might be getting the job back next week but I take it back, and I wouldn’t touch any of these guys.

Kyle Bradish – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, BB, 2 K. Are you sure your name’s not Brad? Because you seem dot, dot dot…Brad-ish. The rookie actually looked fairly impressive in his debut, taking on a tough Boston offense at Fenway is no cake first assignment but Kyle held his own. Not quite fantasy relevant but I’m happy for the Orioles!

Elieser Hernandez – 5.0 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, BB, 5 K, 2nd win ERA at 5.75. I love me some Marlins starters and Elieser is no exception. He’s had some tough match ups but has won all the games he should. He gets an easier assignment next week versus Arizona. Go Fish! Marlins beisbol! Get Hooked!

Anthony Bender – 0.2 IP, 1 hit, SV (5). Good news everyone! To shreds, you say? I don’t see any reason Dylan Floro would be handed the closer gig back upon his return. Bender’s got five saves already, and if you’ve got a problem with that you can bite his shiny, metal a$$!

Matt Brash – 2.0 IP, 7 hits, 6 ER, 2 BB, 3 K. I wouldn’t do anything Brash like dropping Matt after this start. Or maybe I would. The control is all over the place but the stuff is there. Still, probably best to sit him until we see something positive, especially for his start next week in Houston

Julio Rodriguez – 2-for-4, run, SB (9). Julio owners looking at Dewitt owners with that sly smile. It was looking pretty grim for us for a minute there J-Rod, but it looks like me and you are gonna be allllrrright. Nine Steals! The kid is a category winner, folks! He’s gonna be a star! Ha-cha-cha!

Jorge Soler – 1-for-3, HR (2). There’s some of that Soler power we remember from last year! Fun fact, the government will give you a generous tax break for utilizing Soler power on your fantasy team.

Jimmy Herget – 3.0 IP, 1 hits, ER, 2 K. Started in place of Noah Syndergaard cause he was sick with not-Covid. Hmm OK. Let me know when/if I should be concerned here.

Lucas Giolito – 6.0 IP, 7 hits, 3 ER, BB, 7 K. Gave up a couple of solo shots in the first but settled down considerably after that. Lucas has been mostly unimpressive in his first three starts but the 22/6 K/BB in 14 innings makes me all googly-eyed. Perhaps you can pry him away from a manager who’s panicking early?

Taylor Ward – 3-for-5, HR (5), 2 RBI. Don’t call him Tyler! BUY. That’s four home runs, 12 RBI and batting .458 in the past week if you are keeping track. Ward is the hottest little potato in all the land and even if he can’t maintain that 1.347 OPS or .400+ batting average he needs to be owned everywhere at this point. Angels outfielders this year are heaven sent. I own three Angels outfielders on one team alone–and I’m winning! What are they putting in their oatmeal? Did they get it from Ohtani?

Brandon Marsh – 0-for-5, 4 K. I’m saying the Angels are fun this year, you guys. Even when they stink. And you can tell just by looking at him that Brandon probably smells pretty bad.

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-5, 3 runs, HR (4), SB (4). Say it with me Jerry. SHO-HEEEEIIIIII OHHHHH- TAAAAAANIIIIII! With the slam & legs, Shohei likes to consume his slam & legs by eating and drinking everything at the same time. Cause who says he can’t do both!

Andrew Vaughn – 0-for-3. Left game in 9th after HBP on hand. Argh and he was finally hitting in a good spot in the order. This is why we can’t have nice things!

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-5, 3-run HR (6) slashing .301/.369/.575. The guy was clearly very injured if you can’t tell by that gorgeous shot. How can I get the rest of my team injured like Vlady.

Matt Chapman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, HR (4), 2 RBI. He seems like a nice chap, man! Seriously though whata offseason add for the Jays. I would love if my team got players like him. That’s me throwing shade to all the team execs who are reading this.

Raimel Tapia – 4-for-5, run, RBI. BUY. Tapia the morning to you, Kendrick. Who would’ve thought Raimel would hit his true potential after LEAVING Coors. Liking Tapia has never been an issue, it’s the playing time that could be an issue, especially with Teoscar Hernandez returning soon. We’ve always liked Raimel though. We really like him!

Yordan Alvarez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, HR (5), 3 RBI. Alex Bregman also homered. Air Yordan! Yordy is making himself a great case for a top 10 player aka a first rounder, folks. He’s hitting .385 with two homers in the past week and well on the way to the 50 dingers I promised myself from him. Make it happen, Yordan!

Jeremy Pena – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2-run HR (4), 3 RBI. I told you to grab him week 1! Hey, that was pretty OK advice I gave that one time! The average has dipped but he’ll be fine, especially hitting second in the Houston line up. Rookies gonna rookie.

Ian Anderson – 6.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 5 K. Stream-O-Nator hated this start. Stupid robot! Must be because Elon Musk took over twitter and now controls 80% of the internet. Yes, we should probably all be concerned about this. Everyone but Ian Anderson.

Travis Demeritte – 2-for-4, HR (2). An inside the parker! I see your speedy home run but still going to demerit you for not being Ronald Acuña.

William Contreras – 2-for-4, 2 HR (2). Can I just tell you guys how good it felt to type that alt-code, alt-164. *Collective exhale* It’s beeñ so long, and ñot goñña lie, it’s beeñ hard for me. But things are looking up I cañ feel it iñ the air!

Austin Riley – 2-for-5, HR (6). That’s four dingers in the past week if you are counting at home! Stone Cold Austin putting his doubters to rest with the stunner! And if you think this means the Braves don’t need Acuña back that’s just bad. And you should feel bad for being so wrong..

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-4, HR (4), 2 RBI. Corey Seager also homered. AdoGa has two bombs, 7 RBI and a steal in the past week! What more do you want for this guy to be owned in more than 50% of leagues! Do you want him to bat over .210? OK, well, yeah that’s probably not going to happen.

Madison Bumgarner – 5.0 IP, 3 hits, ER, BB, 2 K, 1st win ERA at 1.17. The MadBum is loose! Hide your bath salts! The regression fairies are hovering Maddy hard, be careful streaming him next week in Miami! Will Smith was “Going to Miami,” and we don’t want Bumgarner to get pitch slapped!

Ian Kennedy – 1.0 IP, K. Mark Melancon hit the COVID IL which leaves Kennedy to hold down the closer duties in his steed. Kennedy could be a pretty solid replacement, but I more doubt Diamondbacks ability to score enough to give him a save chance.

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4, HR (1). Au Shizz! Pauly G is a Jersey sure thing!

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-5, HR (9). Aaron Judge (6), Giancarlo Stanton (4) and Gleyber Torres (2) also homered. Yah so basically everybody. H-R to the Rizzo is already about halfway to his 2021 homer total of 21 and he’s got five in the past week. Sweet sassy molassy! Yeah Rizzo’s back, big bombs off his bat, haters actin’ like he couldn’t do that.

Nestor Cortes – 5.0 IP, 8 hits, ER, 0 BB, 3 K, 1st win, 1.31 ERA, 0.87 WHIP. I don’t know if “shifty” and “deceitful” are the qualities I usually want in the my fantasy baseball starter yet here we are.

Jonathan India – 3-for-5, run slashing .295/.311/.341. I won’t make you listen to my Jonathan India story again, but let’s just say we’re A-OK since he’s gotten a hit in every game since returning from the IL. India is the Bombay!

Tommy Pham – 4-for-5, run, 2 RBI raised his average to .234 with the big day. Well, it must have been the daily helping of spaghetti chili that did him in, thanks a lot Skyline. That much cheese and carbs would put anyone in a food coma–wait, what’s this, Tommy’s leg moved! He’s alive! Well, Pham Bam Thank You, Ma’am!

Hunter Greene – 4.1 IP, 6 hits, 4 ER, 4 BB, 6 K. I mean, if you started him at Coors you actually have to be pretty happy escaping with this start right? What were you expecting?

Antonio Senzatela – 6.1 IP, 7 hits, ER, 2 BB, K, 1st. How about that 6/3 K/BB! Pick him up if you hate yourself.

Adrian Houser – 6.0 IP, 2 hits, 3 BB, 6 K, 2nd win. Yo Adrian, you did it! You won back-2-back starts like that Drake song I can’t remember the name of. Houser’s stuff isn’t flashy enough for me to be all in, but he could be useful in the right match ups if the Brewers bats ever pick up. He gets a cherry match up with the Reds next week. Stream-O-Nator hates it I might consider the prospect of maybe thinking about mulling over the possibility of contemplating whether or not I should review the option of potentially picking him up. I don’t know for sure though!

Elias Diaz – 2-for-4, HR (2). Just by glancing at how many of my teams from the early-ought-teens featured Wilin Rosario, I can tell you that owning the Rockies catcher is always a safe decision.

Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4, 2 HR (4), 3 RBI. *inhales* Christian Yelich (2), Andrew McCutchen (2), Jace Peterson and Willy Adames also homered. That’s SIX! SIX HOME RUNS! AH AH AH! Thank you, Count! Speaking of Brewers bats picking it, it appears the Brewers are finally awake. That’s 11 runs on 13 hits and four homers in the past 10 days for Hunter. Maybe if they stopped batting Kolten Wong, who’s hitting .211 and walked just 3 times all year, leadoff they could have more games like this? Or maybe they need a youth injection. That entire outfielder is a bunch of ol’ timey get-off-tiktok-already boomers. Regardless, let’s hope this is a sign of things to come for Mil-ee-walk-kay.

Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-3, 2 runs. BUY. See above about the Brewers maybe kinda sorta starting to hit again. Think Daniel Vogelbach, except, not Pirates.

Tyler Anderson – 5.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, BB, 3 K vs Tyler Alexander, 2.1 IP, 3 hits, 4 ER, K. In the battle of the Tylers, the #1 victory royale ultimately went to the guy with Mookie Betts, Freddie Freeman and Trea Turner on his team. But Tyler show downs aside, Anderson and his 2.55 ERA could be worth owning as long as this offense is behind him and gets a nice match up with the struggling Cubs next week.

Justin Turner – 1-for-4, 2-run HR (1) batting .209/.257/.299. Justin Turner Overdrive. You ain’t seen nothing yet! Chris Taylor also homered. It’s when the bottom of the Dodgers order starts hitting that we should all be very afraid.

Aaron Sanchez – 5.0 IP, 6 hits, 3 ER, 4 K. I honestly had no idea this guy was still in the league.

Victor Robles – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBI. Four hits! How fetch! I’ve wanted Victor Robles to be a thing for so long now. Apparently, he’s adjusted his swing. Still. It’s not happening. It’s never happening. This was just his second multi-hit game of the season he’s slashing .216/.259/.314 with no home runs and no steals. No thank you!

Maikel Franco – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBI. Josh Bell also had four hits as the Nats scored 14 runs on a whopping 22 hits! Juan Soto was obviously the star of the show going 2-for-5, with 2 runs, a HR (4), and 2 RBI. Cause that’s what he does. I think I said this last week, but as bad as the Nationals line up looks on paper they actually do hit. Even Franco is hitting! Now if they can ever get Strasburg back they might have something here.

Joey Bart – 3-for-4, HR (3). Bart hits homer. Marge groans. Yes, eat his shorts! Eat all of our shorts!

Wilmer Flores – 3-for-5. BUY. Not the sexiest buy, sure, but would you rather I tell you to pick up Zoe Kravitz? Is she sexier than Wilmer, sure, (although that’s a matter of opinion) but she’s not definitely not batting .400 in the past week!

Frankie Montas – 5.0 IP, 5 hits, 5 ER, 4 BB, 6 K. Relax, Frankie’s been so good to date, he was due for the clunker. Take your 31/8 K/BB and be on your way. Also, these are not your daddy’s Cleveland Indians. They’re the Guardians now!

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-3, 3 runs, HR (7), 3 RBI. Is he the best player in the league? Cause now I feel like I was underrating him somehow at the 3rd pick. He’s got 3 homers and 8 RBI in the past week batting .292. I guess what I didn’t except was the team around him to be so good.

Sheldon Neuse – 3-for-5, 3 RBI. Batting .300 with two steals in the past week! Sheldon was a BUYzinga!

Andres Gimenez  – 3-for-4, Grand Slam HR (2). What a season it’s been for Cleveland waiver wire fodder. Baker Mayfield would be so jealous. First, it was that opening day, “I gotta grab Myles Straw (3-for-5, 2 runs), I cant believe no one drafted him!?” By game four we were all like, “How about this Steven Kwan guy. Is he Ted!? Then Owen Miller popped up on our radar! He collected 14 hits in his first six games! Wow! Whata ballplayer. But wait, who’s this Oscar Mercado fella? I vaguely remember being all in on him? He’s fine and all but Josh Naylor (2-for-5, HR (2), 2 RBI slashing .317/.333/.512), OMG! You def need to BUY him. Seriously, what is going on in Cleveland? Can I really justify starting more than three Guardians (seriously what a dumb name) on a given night? Can I win my fantasy league with Cleveland adds? I don’t know! Ask Andres Gimenez. The former hot shot prospect tends to sit versus lefties but he’s slashing .349/.356/.605 and he’s got that power/speed combo people like me gush about. The .419 BABIP is uncomfortably high, sure, but he can play all over the field and is definitely worth monitoring to see if he can sustain his early success. And if not Andres, I’m sure we’ll find a new and exciting Clevelander to add by this time next week. For now, Andres Gimenez could be the next Guardian for your fantasy galaxy!

Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!