After his 500th home run, Miguel Cabrera has more to celebrate, his son, Edward–*intern whispers in ear*…I see….Asdrubal? No, huh? Melky? Orlando? Daniel? Former professional pitcher for the Rockies, Edwar Cabrera? Okay, I’m hearing Edward Cabrera is the newest Cabrera. In sixty years, my brain is going to be inside a robot, and Greybot 5000 is going to be like, “Streamonator was made by a human, but is not incorrect when it lists all starters for tomorrow as Cabreras, due to the Law of 2081 that stated only Cabreras can play baseball. That’s what happens when you make a Robot Ump commissioner, and let Robot Umps kill players who argue with them.” You see what happens when Robot Umps are implemented? I’m from the future and you must stop them! Any hoo! I told you to grab Edward Cabrera in the Buy column, because my Marlins’ contact said he’d be up soon, and would you look at that. Cabrera is set to start on Wednesday, bringing with him — 14.7 K/9 (Zoinks), 5.8 BB/9 (Yikes). As Prospect Itch said, “Edward Cabrera is something of a supersized Sixto with more strikeouts but less command. Huge upside with upper 90s heat. That I like to imagine hitting Grey in the melon.” Okay, not cool! I’d grab Cabrera in any league where you’re looking for some rookie nookie. Though, he could absolutely lead to roofies. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Maikel Franco – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to see in himself what Donkey Teeth saw in him to name him his preseason AL MVP. To see similar great calls by Donkey Teeth, check out his 2021 fantasy football rankings.

Zack Britton – Hit the IL with an elbow sprain. Britton’s got talent, but I’d expect Susan Boyle to throw more innings the rest of this year than Zack.

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer. If you saw his homer last night, a line drive to the opposite field that looked like it was off the end of the bat, you have to be like, how does he not have 40+ homers already? Also, he cost the Yankees the win last night:

Jordan Montgomery – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Pretty ugly win, but they all count, right? I know, I know, as long as they don’t have facial hair! Steinbrenner rules! Streamonator is barely positive for JoMo’s next start, and I’d be negative, unless you need it.

Dansby Swanson – 1-for-4 and his 25th homer. Okay, not to belabor all day like a maternity ward, but if you see Swanson homer and Giancarlo, there’s no way Dansby should have four more homers. And that’s coming from someone who likes Swanson a lot.

Huascar Ynoa – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.89. Braves manufacturing starters like the Marlins. Whenever they need someone, they just do the snap-and-bend and pluck from their minor leagues. Also, as someone who watched this game, JoMo might’ve got the win, but Ynoa looked a bajillion times better.

Matt Barnes – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.72 and the blown save. Not sure where Alex Cora was raised, but he keeps leaving the Barnes door open. *makes fart noises with hand under armpit, raspberries lips, does a twirl off a pier into shark-infested waters* Surprised-not surprised Cora went back to Barnes, even though Ottavino and Whitlock are better, and Whitlock is more like Whitlockdown, he’s so good. As I said in Friday’s Sell, I would drop Barnes. The saves ain’t worth saving face.

Nathan Eovaldi – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Funny how upset I am at Barnes and how happy I was with Eovaldi, and they both have exactly the same ERA. Okay, not funny-funny.

Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 23rd homer, hitting .254. Season-long checkup alert! Renfroe has bounced around between waivers and teams in shallower leagues, but those in deeper leagues, where it would be crazy to drop him, have been rewarded with forced loyalty. He’s a top 25 outfielder on the year, and around a top 75 overall guy on the Player Rater.

Alex Verdugo – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .281. Gotta respect Alex Cora keeping Enrique Hernandez, the inferior hitter, as leadoff man and Alex Verdugo as the eight-hole guy. Respect it because most people would be scared they’d be fired for doing that, so it shows real bravery.

Travis Shaw – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, a huge home run in extras to win the game. All the Red Sox needed was a sac fly, but Travis Shaw isn’t in MVP talks for nothing.

Kenta Maeda – Hit the IL with forearm tightness. That sounds more like this kind of injury, “We have no idea what’s wrong with him, but he’s not right and we should just shut him down.”

Antonio Senzatela – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.42. Fun fact! Senzatela signs his name “Sen,” then pulls out a sword, marks the Z, and finishes the “tela.” Even in road games, he’s not a Zorro, but more like a zero with a 5.80 ERA prior to last night.

Kyle Hendricks – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Takes a special kind of bleh to face the Rockies on the road without Trevor Story, and pitch that game.

Rafael Ortega – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Ortega with the game-winning taco!

Daulton Varsho – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, 3rd homer in as many games, and, would you look at that, the Dbags have managed to find a place for Varsho to play even when he’s not behind the plate. Crazy! To think a team destined to lose 100 games can actually get their one decent prospect bat some looks. Nuts, I tell ya.

Ke’Bryan Hayes – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 4th steal, hitting .249. One love, but everything the Pirates touch turns to yawnstipating.

Nelson Cruz – Activated from the IL less than a day later. He had Covid-19hours.

Yan Gomes – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer.  Yan can homer!

Matt Olson – 2-for-4 and a slam (32) and legs (4). Had been hitting the .250s for the last two months, and, I swear to you, more people want to jump ship and pretend Olson’s no good quicker than any other guy. If he has one bad week, people are like, “I knew! He sucks!” Guys and five ladies, he’s not a .300 hitter. He will slump at times.

Marco Gonzales – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.13. Kind of a lip raspberrying there. I expected a better start, but it was a negative Streamonator start in Oakland, and his next one is positively positive.

Ty France – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, 4th homer in the last five games. France is making me want to wear a beret and talk about how great Jerry Lewis was (Jerry Lewas?).

Mitch Haniger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, and third homer in the last five games, hitting .254. This whole season feels like Haniger’s revenge on balls.

Paul Sewald – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 7th save. Seattle boosting up Sewald is just more denial of Shamu’s pain. Was Shamu’s captivity for nothing you animals? By animals, I don’t mean animals animals. Any hoo! Sewald has been great, and so has Steckenrider. Either could get saves. My guess is it will be mostly Steckenrider, because the M’s seem to like Sewald in earlier, high-leverage situations.

Tim Anderson – Out for his third straight game with what the team called general leg soreness. Higher rank, but less worrisome than major leg soreness.

Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.20 vs. Alek Manoah – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Was hoping this game would’ve stopped between innings and someone would’ve came out on the field from 23 and Me to announce that Lynn is actually Manoah’s father with the camera cutting to Manoah’s mom who sheepishly nods, and reveals a split-jersey of Blue Sox.

Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.41. No one is more Zack Greinke than Zack Greinke. He’s the Zackety Zacks.

Daniel Lynch – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.74. The best part of his game is seeing Da. Lynch in the box score and imagining Matheny going to mound and Lynch explaining Mulholland Drive. Too bad Greg Holland is on the IL, because we could see Matheny go back to the dugout and tell his coaches, “He told me to mull Holland.”

Salvador Perez – 2-for-3 and his 33rd homer. Ya know how they say make coffee at home and put the money you would’ve spent on coffee in a jar, then you can use your savings for a trip at the end of the year? I do that but with cackles. After every Perez homer, I put a cackle in a jar to use next March when someone drafts him in the 3rd round.