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Jose Miranda as played by Cynthia Nixon in her most challenging role yet: Minnesota Twins prospect. The sun sets through the West Village window, as clickety-clack from Carrie’s word processor is heard. She reads the words out loud as they make their way onto her 64-bit screen, “Miranda wasn’t going to come, so to speak, up for the Twins until they were good and ready. With Josh out of the picture–Is Josh out of the picture?–Gosh, Miranda really needs to find a new position, so to speak, to play in. Maybe Miranda can get in, so to speak, some time at 2nd base, like Samantha after five minutes knowing a guy.” And that’s me quoting Carrie Bradshaw! Jose Miranda has no speed, but his bat is more than ready, and it is explosive. Possesses the usual Twins’ tendencies — Twindencies? — he doesn’t strike out at all and doesn’t walk a ton. Are the Twins developing prospects or just cloning a Luis Arraez who was dipped in amber? Developing, because Miranda actually has power, unlike most Twins prospects. As Prospect Itch said recently, “Minnesota has demonstrated an appreciation for precisely this sort of profile, and Miranda is a better all-around hitter than some of the other guys they’ve hidden the past few years (Astudillo, Sano, Rooker). And much better than Grey, who sucks.” Okay, that’s hurtful. I’m stashing Miranda now. “I know just the slot for him,” says Samantha as Miranda groans. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Mike Zunino – I nearly recommended Kevin Plawecki, then I thought, “Nah, don’t give them a fake Buy just because they’re taking too long to pick up Zunino, who is going to hit 30-plus homers. What kind of animal are you?” Then I stopped reading the Buzzfeed quiz I was reading, and it turned out I was a panda.
Frank Schwindel – If you can say “Schwindel” without the uptalking vocal tick of Wayne’s World, you’re younger and better than me.
Connor Joe – For the first six years of his career, he abbreviated his name to C.J. Cron and had some success on other teams–*intern whispers in my ear*–So, Connor Joe is not C.J. Cron. *off intern’s look*…He is also not C.J. Connor, C.J. Cronner or Cronner Joe either. This is a recommendation to grab Joe while lacking pep or he’s at home.
Bobby Dalbec – Fun fact! Dalbec is one simple misspelling of Dalbec into Dlabec from being a dictator in an Eastern European country you’ve never heard of. Either way, he’s still got power.
Brandon Belt – *struggling to not say something about how Belt is above Brown* Need to move on before I explode.
Seth Brown – Wow, this was the week of interesting 1st basemen choices, who will inevitably disappoint, but will allow you to lie to yourself for a good three to five days.
Tyler Wade – Surprising to see Wade in the Buy column two weeks in a row, not because I’m surprised he wasn’t picked up everywhere, but I’m surprised that I’m actually recommending him for two straight weeks. Can Gleyber return so I stop blowing my own mind?
Nicky Lopez – Hey, a new Tyler Wade dropped! His name is Nicky Lopez. Room, disgruntled, chimes in, “Hey, Nicky.”
Aledmys Diaz – If I were the Astros, I’d want Bregman to take his sweet time because Aledmys is hitting so well. I’d be like, “Hey, Alex B., what’s up my main man? Can you go to Home Depot and pick us up some trash cans?” Then I’d call TMZ and have them take pictures of Bregman putting trash cans into his pickup truck and let him deal with that scandal for another week or two.
Jonathan Villar – The Mets could’ve ruined Bonds in the early 2000s; they could’ve besmirched Santa’s reputation; they could’ve made E.T. less lovable, but they can’t stop Villar from being fantasy relevant. Villar is doing what Bonds, Santa and E.T. couldn’t.
Jorge Mateo – Had an eight-game hitting streak broken up the other day, but this is more about the speed Mateo brings. Baltimore hasn’t seen the use of a burner like this since Avon Barksdale.
Luis Urias – Willy Adames is truly turning heads and spackling broken hearts, but Urias is putting together a solid season, and, because some of you like actual facts, rather taking my word for it, on the 7-day Player Rater, Urias is rocking shizz.
Jose Barrero – Here’s what I said the other day, “With Jesse Winker hitting the IL due to the interstate running up the side of Florida–I’m being told an intercostal is not an interstate. Either way, Winker is out for a few weeks and the Reds called up Jose Barrero, formerly known as Jose Garcia, formerly known as Jose Garces, former Iron Chef–Okay, being told he is not a former Iron Chef. Jose Barrero is a shortstop so trying to figure out how or why the Reds would promote him and not, say, Nick Senzel. My only guess is Senzel’s people claimed the Reds were manipulating his service time in 2019, which they were, and now they seem to like to eff with Senzel. Free Nick Senzel! He’s Senzelational! Any hoo! Jose Barrero looks great: 11/7/.305/.389/.584 in 40 games of Triple-A, and he’s a five-tool guy who I looked to grab in every league, but had no need in the leagues where he was available, and was gone in the deeper ones. Would watch to see how the Reds play him, he could platoon, which takes a little air out of this Cuban raftee.” And that’s me quoting me!
Evan Longoria – Everything the Giants touch this year is turning into gold. They’re the opposite-day Mets.
Josh Rojas – Not sure why he’s under 50% rostered, but he is and that’s my arbitrary cutoff, which is different than you arbitrarily wearing cutoffs. Those jorts are a mess.
Lewis Brinson – Already gave you my Lewis Brinson fantasy. It had that smile, that glow, that energy of someone on herbal ecstasy.
Ian Happ – J.A. Happ is Just Awful Happ, so that leaves Ian as just awful, lowercase, but he’s been hot-ish.
Justin Upton – When he lets the schmotato, it lasts about as long as a lit menorah. You can call him, Hanukah Upton. Hanukah? What, is it December? (Terrible segue!) If you’re wondering why the video in this post is for fantasy football, the videos will now be seen over there, like on Donkey’s top 200 fantasy football rankings.
We reached 11.5 million views on our baseball videos this year, thank you from the bottom of my fart…fart…this speech to text ducking shucks…Forget it.
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— Razzball (@Razzball) August 20, 2021
J.A. Happ – Can’t believe I’m recommending Just Awful Happ, but he’s a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to a tanning salon.
Reid Detmers – This is also a Streamonator call. “Hello, I was just wondering if anyone there can oil my back. It’s life or death.”
Mychal Givens – Yes, there’s Alex Colome, Codi Heuer, Drew Steckenrider, Bednar, Floro, Scott Barlow, Tyler Clippard–All of them! If you need saves, the SAGNOF Gods have Givens and they’ve giveth. Instead, I’m going to quickly highlight a few middle relievers who are just fan-effin-tastic.
Collin McHugh – This is Collin McHugh’s Statcast. The velocity is hilarious, considering the rest of these insanely gorgeous numbers.
Chad Green – Okay, technically, Green could get saves, so he’s not just a middle man, but Aroldis is back and Johnny Lasagna is there too, and he’s also awesome. So, Green’s got saves competition with Aroldis and The Big Cheese, but I’ll just say this for Green: His WHIP over the last two years is sub-0.90.
Kendall Graveman – His ground ball rate, strikeouts and lack of walks are the stuff of legend. His ERA and WHIP aren’t bad either. Graveman is aptly named because everything off the bat goes directly into the ground.
Joe Barlow – Might get some saves, but we’re here because of his K/9 and ERA are both ridiculously elite. Also, I wanted to highlight him so I can get more people asking me about Barlow without saying which one. Hand on head emoji with another hand holding a vape pen and three birds circling over my head.
SELL
Matt Barnes – With the trade deadline passing, this is no longer about selling, but it’s about dropping. I don’t change the name of it to Drop, because a Buy/Drop? What is that? That makes no sense, and I am a stickler for making sense. Is it stickler or sticker? Any hoo! Even if Barnes gets saves again, which he might, he’s not worth bothering with the downside when you have so many great relievers available in most leagues. Free your mind, and the Crest will swallow, as I say after brushing my teeth when I’m feeling En Vogue.
Mike Moustakas – When you’re an aging slugger, the bottom isn’t far, and Mike’s bottom is the Mostsuckass.
Joey Wendle – Go ahead, Mr. Wendle. Mr. Wendle, yeah. Lord, Mr. Wendle, get off my team.
Christian Yelich – Oh, yeah, I’d drop Yelich. I’d love to drop him. I actually picked him up recently in one redraft league, just so I could drop him. Though, I haven’t been able to yet. It’s hard to drop him. It truly is. The stats in the rearview are closer than they appear. That brings me to my point. While this is a Drop vs. a Sell, it could be a Sell too if you’re league has a late deadline or you have him in a keeper. Think how hard it is to drop him, that means he still has value to trade away in a keeper. Would I trade him for a potato sack dress? Ya know what, maybe, but you can check out the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
