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Hey, Timmy, thanks for coming to see me in this old age home. Did you bring me the stewed carrots I asked for? Oh, great. What a pal. Let me take my teeth out so I can slurp on the soft carrots. I can’t believe how old I feel now. What’s that? Speak up! How old am I?! Same age I was five days ago, but it’s not how old I am. It’s how old I feel. Oh, yeah, I was spry duck just last week, but the first week of April’s starting pitching has aged me forty years in five days. I started the week remembering to go pee-pee and poo-poo in the toilet, and now I’m wearing diapers! Stupid starting pitching! Welp, we have one good starter this year, his name is Alek Manoah (6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 7 Ks). Was watching Manoah last night and to say he looked good is somehow an understatement and an overstatement. He was unhittable, while also being nowhere near the plate for huge chunks of the game. It was not the best I had seen him — that was when he was interviewed with his mother and I was able to block him out of the shot with my hand. But for one magical night in April, we actually got a decent pitching line, so, ya know what? Alek Manoah looked as awesome as his mom, Aleka Momoah! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Danny Jansen – Hit the IL with an oblique. Damn, I jinxed this ess oh bee real good. I had to say I was glad I drafted him, didn’t I? Stupid big mouth on me jinxing guys like a big dummy. Hopefully, he has one of those oblique injuries that only needs ten days. Did anyone believe that was possible? No? Okay.
George Springer – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Between him, Buxton and Arenado, my schmohawks aren’t looking so good to start the year, which is to say they are looking good. Yeah, guys who get tired and injured do tend to stay healthy for one week. Check back in July.
Jameson Taillon – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. That he went five innings makes it feel like he should be a top five vote-getter for Cy Young.
Ryan Yarbrough – Hit the IL with groin tightness. TMI!
Tommy Romero – Being called up to start vs. the A’s. So, aside from a streamer, Tommy Romero is who? Or are you Rommy Tomero?! Answer me! Okay, he looks like an Opener, maybe can throw four-plus innings. 94 MPH fastball; low-80’s slider, a meh curve and okay change. He reminds me of Matt Andriese. Guess we’ll see, but I’m not adding him anywhere yet.
Luis Patino – Left after 13 pitches with a strained oblique. If the Patino injury knocks him out for a few weeks, having an inning that lasts a week is just smart, Rays baseball, which is why they gave up so many runs in the 2nd inning.
Chad Pinder – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Pinder? Only thing he’s catching is charges! Also, this was a sonavabench for yours truly. I have Pinder in deep leagues because at-bats are at-bats are at-bats, but I decided to play Oscar Mercado over Pinder. Worked out okay in the end, but *shrugs* “why not both” GIF.
Seth Brown – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. For the 2022 World Series, A’s vs. the Pirates. Who says no?
Elvis Andrus – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, and a triple short of the cycle. What if the sequel to Moneyball is actually a sequel to Major League? *brain explodes*
Paul Blackburn – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. A’s jumped out to a huge lead, and Blackburn was off to the Ivictory Coast with his teammates to dine and dash at the W.
Taylor Hearn – 4 IP, 1 ER. Was so close to streaming Hearn for the 2-start week, but do I look like I have multiple screws loose? Streamontor doesn’t like him either.
Austin Gomber – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Kind of guy who you don’t want any part of in mixed leagues, and actually enjoy rostering in NL-Only leagues.
Jose Iglesias – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. How long until Bud Black realizes Iglesias should be hitting 1st or 2nd? August?
C.J. Cron – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Curtis Jackson gonna hit fiddy. He also hit that off Joe Barlow, which massively sucks for me. *Lisa Simpson grumble*
Connor Joe – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer. Connor Joe…C.J. Con…Hey, wait a minute! Is that what the C.J. stands for?
Daniel Bard – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save. Surprise, surprise, the Bard shit the MacBed.
Dylan Bundy – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 2 Ks. Of course, he’s one of the only good pitching performances. Bundy always counts to five.
Huascar Ynoa – 3 IP, 5 ER. Remind to bench all my starters in April (and September).
Maikel Franco – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer. Donkey Teeth doesn’t seem half as silly now for quitting his day job to manage the Maikel Franco Fan Club that he started.
Anibal Sanchez – Hit the IL with a cervical neck impingement. Geez, I’ve flown so many times and I’ve never got a mint on my cervical neck pillow.
Matt Manning – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks, 2 Ks. Ya know how you get through six innings in baseball now? Do it in under 70 pitches. There’s gonna be under ten Quality Starts this year.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Just Dong because the alternative is unthinkable.
Matt Barnes – 1 IP, 0 ER. Glad to see Barnes throwing in a game. Dot dot dot. In the 6th inning. I’m going to become The Joker.
Javier Baez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Good news is Javier Baez homered. Bad news is it reminded me to think, “What is going on with Spencer Torkelson?”
Ranger Suarez – 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER. There are no good pitchers right now. You can drop pitchers who should be good for other guys who should be good, but you’re moving deck chairs on the Titanic and, instead, I’d try to hold.
Alec Bohm – 1-for-1, 1 run, and, at one point, committed three errors on seven chances in three innings. Frustrated, as he left the field, he said of Philly, “I f***ing hate this place.” Dude, no one likes Philly.
Taijuan Walker – Left the game with shoulder irritation. Sometimes in the shower I’ll say, “Hey, look, I have shoulder irrigation.” Just me? Hmm, okay. Well, congrats on David Peterson’s new rotation spot, hopefully he lasts longer than five days, otherwise the Mets will be asking Ron Darling to throw a few innings by June.
Oscar Mercado – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Hot schmotato? Yes, definitely. Batty call? Yes, I made him one of those too. Possible that he’s breaking out? Absolutely. Someone who we liked in previous seasons that disappointed is going to break out this year with everything clicking. Why not Mercado?
Aaron Civale – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, Every year I want to bench all my pitchers for the first two weeks, and I never remember to do it.
Steven Kwan – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, two walks, with a bases-clearing triple, hitting .692.
Steven Kwan pic.twitter.com/qQ1Lj9uPfw
— Razzball (@Razzball) April 11, 2022
Andrew Benintendi – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .538. Who does this guy think he is, Steven Kwan?
Adrian Houser – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER. More like Adrain. Got him!
Bruce Zimmermann – 4 IP, 0 ER, and he was followed by Baumann. Well done, menn! Streamonator hates Zimmermann and I say amenn.
Jorge Lopez – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 1st save. Over/under for Lopez saves: 12. Prolly taking the under, but if you need them, then you only Jorge Lopez once — JoLo!
Jorge Mateo – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 2nd steal. Have a list of about ten guys who I’m monocle’ing so hard that my eyes are going crossed like I’m wearing Opti-Grab glasses. Mateo is one of them.
Zac Gallen – Scratched with a cut on his thumb. Should’ve prolly scratched with his index finger. Live and learn!
Alex Wood – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER. Even Wood’s hitting the pine early.
Austin Nola – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. Beating his brother in power! (For now.)
Nick Martinez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Considering no one’s looked good, Nick Martinez looked fantastic. FantasNick, if you will. You won’t? Fair enough. Streamonator hates his next start, and I can’t say I’m all-in, but I am monocle’ing.
Elieser Hernandez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER. Things are going great for my pitching staffs, why do you ask? *standing on ledge of tall building*
Jesus Sanchez – 2-for-4 and his 1st and 2nd homer. Preseason sleeper? Yes and you’re welcome. But beyond that, I was looking at the Hittertron yesterday for a batty call, and you know what name was near the top of the list for underowned guys? Hey, Zeus, indeed.
Michael Lorenzen – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks. Only Alek Manoah and pitchers under 5% ownership are good. It’s 2022, y’all!
Mike Trout – Scratched from yesterday’s game. Mike Trout already in midseason form.
Jo Adell – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Do you mean to tell me an 0-for-9 start to the season didn’t mean he wouldn’t be good all season? Shocking information.
Brandon Marsh – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. All my sleepers are awake! Now, to clear room, we just need Mike Trout to miss another five months with a mysterious ailment that no one understands. Sure, like that would happen.
