The Padres began yesterday by lifting their brown, monk robe they purchased from the Dan Brown collection and showed their first twig of the prospect tree they have cloaked beneath: Luis Urias. Whenever you hear the Padres fans shout about their MI prospect — they scream, “Our Luis Urias,” and they sound like John McEnroe barking at a line judge. BTW, you know you’re old if you’ve ever asked a barber to give you a Jimmy Connors, and then complained after they gave you a Pete Rose. Podcaster Ralph and I go over Luis Urias on today’s pod, but, I will give you the general gist, which was also my high school band name. You might remember General Gist from such noteworthy songs as, “Keep Me Near You Or Thereabouts.” Urias is a solid all-around bat, think .300 hitter, without huge power or speed. He’s young though, which means he could blossom, so remain calm. For now, I will call you, Zen Bobrist. I would grab him if you’re struggling at MI to see if he can catch fire and master Zen and the Art of MI Maintenance. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Bautista – 0-for-3, hitting .196. Phils claimed him off waivers and now the Mets will try to get Rhys Hoskins for Bautista, and end up with Hector Neris, who they will promptly make their closer.
Noah Syndergaard – 6 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.51. I mentioned this last time he started when I pointed out how low he was on the 30-day Player Rater, and I don’t want to scream in the theater that is Razzball, but Syndergaard has not been good in the 2nd half, and for Mets pitchers that means one thing: he’s Hacky-Sack’ing the ball to the plate because he has a broken arm.
Michael Conforto – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer. Can we all mind meld Conforto into going 0-for-September, so he keeps his 2019 draft price down?
Kevin Plawecki – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Fun fact! If you say his last name three times, pierogis fall from your ceiling.
Jon Lester – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.67. As bad as Syndergaard’s been in the 2nd half, at least his ERA wasn’t 7.05 entering yesterday’s game. *cough* Lester* *cough* Regression. *cough* Anyone have a lozenge?
Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Pedro Strop – 1/3 IP, 0 ER and pulled after three batters in the 9th, which comes after he blew his last save. Why can’t we have anything nice? Look at how sad and soulful my eyes are when I ask you that? My eyes could sing (You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman they’re so freakin’ soulful! Not sure if we’re there yet, but Brandon Kintzler or Carl’s Jr. Edwards would likely be next for saves. However, the Cubs have a lot of options. Just what Maddon needs.
Marco Gonzales – Hit the Disgraceful List with a neck strain. He suffered the injury watching line drives get hit back up the middle.
Marcus Semien – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Not sure if anyone remembers, but I traded Brad Boxberger for Semien and Tanaka back in, like, April to MattTruss. Ever since then, it feels like I’m carrying Semien and Tanaka around like I’ve been cuckolded by Truss and am caring for his kids. And they’re no good brats!
Matt Chapman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, and 3rd homer in two games, and fourth homer in the last four games, and I see Martini on top of the A’s lineup, but Chapman’s the one that’s got me happy-drunk.
Brett Anderson – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.02. Got demolished, but because there’s no quit in the A’s — that’s what he tried to convinced her of! — they still made it a game, until Bregman handed the A’s their, uh, A’s. As (you said A’s again, didn’t you?) for Anderson, Stream-o-Nator hates him, and I wouldn’t touch him.
Alex Bregman – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 25th homer. He’s also killing it if your league has a category called, “Times Stared Into A Camera.”
Tyler White – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer. Only four players with 100+ plate appearances have a better OPS than White (Betts, Trout, Jo-Ram and Just Dong). Not bad company, and not Bad Company, the group either.
Carlos Rodon – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Four walks and two Ks vs. the Yankees and comes out smelling like roses. Man, Rodon is walking between the raindrops and not getting wet. Keep doing this for another four weeks so some huckleberry overdrafts you next year. Please.
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.97. This start was vs. the White Sox and he’s the exact opposite of Rodon. Tanaka is getting wet — the bad way — over nearly any tiny drizzle. Tanaka is even Stream-o-Nator proof. Stream-o-Nator can say a 9 IP, 0 ER, 12 Ks game is on the horizon, and the SON just shakes its head dolefully and goes back into hibernation for five days until his next start like a fantasy baseball groundhog. And Groundhog’s Day is Tanaka getting housed! Amiright? Or amiright right right?
Gleyber Torres – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. I just looked at his post-All-Star break numbers and *shudders* Do yourself a favor and don’t even look. On the bright side, he’s getting his sophomore slump out of the way his freshman year, similar to how you told your friends freshman year of college why you were 0-for-78 in first dates.
Trey Mancini – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .239. Speaking of sophomore slumps, Mancini was the 2nd runner-up for the Rookie of the Year last year, this year he’s just getting run up.
Jon Gray – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.76. I’m pretty sure it’s worse to have optimism and get ganked than have no expectations at all, because, like Tanaka, Gray just kills me every time he uses my fantasy team as a toilet in what is supposed to be a good matchup.
DJ LeMahieu – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .283. ‘Member when he had five homers in April and we were talking about DJ Launch Angle marching towards 30 homers? Me too, but barely.
Matt Shoemaker – Cleared for a rehab start. You know what I always say, you can’t hurt your elbow if you’re not pitching.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Figures it would be Ohtani who homered off Gray. He had it out for me since day one!
Chris Stratton – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.99. I know this trick! You pick him up and he shows you why he has a 5 ERA. Not a cool trick, Stratton!
Hunter Strickland – 1/3 IP, 0 ER and his 14th save. Apparently, it’s not Melancon or Will Smith, now it’s Strickland getting saves. There is so little rhyme or reason this year with saves, right? It’s like, it’s not Melancon, it’s not Melancon, it’s Smith…Psyche! It’s Strickland. Just kidding, Wily Peralta! *screams like a madman* I need a woobie.
Zach Eflin – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.99. On one hand, he was a two-start starter this week. On the other hand, neither start was supposed to be good. On a third hand that is actually Thing from The Addams Family, this start could’ve been much worse.
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.15. I’d laugh if it didn’t hurt and sound extremely sad. Why couldn’t he look better in his first start off the DL, so I would’ve started him? Not that this was an amazing start by any means, but it was better than that shizzshow he turned out when he first came off the DL. Still think he’s likely going to say his inverted W (just call it an M!) has broke his back once again, but maybe he’s on the mend. With Strasburg, you never know. Reassuring!
Matt Wieters – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. For a fortified fantasy breakfast, don’t eat your Wieters, and uh-oh Chirinos isn’t much better. Maybe skip to lunch.
Kelvin Herrera – Hit the DL with a Lisfranc tear. Lisfranc sounds like some kind of European treaty. “At the Lisfranc Accords, Goebbels dropped trou and asked the Austrian diplomat to kiss his birthmark that looked just like a poppyseed bagel.” A little history lesson for everyone. Goebbels was very proud of his poppyseed bagel birthmark that resided on his backside, but he called it a poopyseed bagel. So, this obviously sucks major poopyseed bagels for Herrera, but I could see grabbing Justin Miller (1 IP, 0 ER, and the save), Ryan Madson (1 IP, 1 ER in the 8th inning) or Koda Glover for saves, that order. Neither are particularly great, but SAGNOF.