Please see our player page for Matt Wieters to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.

Moment of silence for the White Sox. Their gambit failed and now they’re stuck with every top free agent’s in-laws.  Their clubhouse chemistry is gonna be like Meet the Fockers but more Dominican.  Meet the Focktinez!  “That’s my cat, Señor Mal Suerte.  He uses el bano all by lonesome.”  That’s Yonder Alonso.  Bryce Harper’s dad eyes Señor Mal Suerte, then replies to Yonder, “You can milk anything with nipples.  Even Yolmer Sanchez.”  Any hoo!  Bryce Harper finally signed with the Phillies.  Halleberrylujah!  It’s not even Easter and baseball season has already risen!  Bryce Harper returns to the City of Brotherly Love, where he first visited with the Phillies’ front office six months ago.  “We want you to be a Philadelphia Phillie.”  “I want $330 million.”  “Okay.”  Then six months later, “You’ve got a deal!”  Harper and Boras drive one hard bargain.  They accept the first deal they’re given, but nearly a half year after they’re given it.  Bryce Harper’s gonna love playing in Philly.  They have the best fans in the world.  They’ve already announced May 1st is Rain Batteries On Bryce’s Head Day.  A crowd favorite, for sure.  I don’t think this changes anything about my preseason projections for him, tee bee aitch.  I always assumed he’d end up in Philly, New York or with the White Sox, because, brucely, those were the only three teams ever serious about him.  Maybe the Giants, but let’s just be glad that didn’t happen.  In my top 20 for 2019 fantasy baseball, I kept his projections.  Only difference now will be if Gabe Kapler and Bryce’s dad get into an arm wrestling fight, and Daddy Harper wins and Bryce is randomly benched for Scott Kingery.  Also, I updated the top 80 outfielders and top 100 outfielders for Roman Quinn and Nick Williams, respectively, and my War Room has been updated.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Gary Sanchez went 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .184.  As I’ve mentioned, I’m busy on the backend of the site doing year-end recaps for every position, and, yes, even the catchers, which will be released after the season ends.  With that said, did good ol’ Gary have the worst season ever for a consensus number one at a position?  Was it consensual?  “Why ya gotta put the word sensual in consensual?” every man in 2018.  By the by, was there a grabby hands discount coupon at GropeOn that I missed?  Sanchez’s year makes Cervelli look like a first ballot Hall of Famer.  And, if there’s ever a wing for concussions, I hope Cervelli’s CTE is one day in there.  Sanchez might be the first person to ever achieve exactly half of his preseason projections.  Even his batting average is about half of what was expected.  For 2019, I could see him recovering, but I won’t be the one to draft him to find out.  In other words, I’ll be bringing out major hedges with Sanchez, while drafting Austin Hedges.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Corey Kluber (7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.83, and his 1st 20-win season) just passed Trevor Bauer with 216 Ks, giving the Indians four guys with 200 Ks.  They may not even win as many games as the Rays, but you’re really coming for the Indians in the playoffs?  I predict a red-blooded, all-American Indians-Braves World Series.  “Hello, my name is Woke Wally.  Yes, I’m wearing a badge that reads, ‘Woke.’  I received this honorary badge as a participation trophy from my wife, Margaret.  Do you know what I was participating in?  Citizenry!  I’m here at your sheriff’s office to file a formal complaint on behalf of the millions affected by a casually racist World Series.”  The Stream-o-Nator lines Kluber up vs. the Royals for his final game, but I can’t imagine he throws more than three innings in that start, and is likely just skipped.  For 2019, Kluber is once again going to be way out of reach for me, like an imaginary tassle on the end of a Braves fan imaginary tomahawk.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Padres began yesterday by lifting their brown, monk robe they purchased from the Dan Brown collection and showed their first twig of the prospect tree they have cloaked beneath:  Luis Urias.  Whenever you hear the Padres fans shout about their MI prospect — they scream, “Our Luis Urias,” and they sound like John McEnroe barking at a line judge.  BTW, you know you’re old if you’ve ever asked a barber to give you a Jimmy Connors, and then complained after they gave you a Pete Rose.  Podcaster Ralph and I go over Luis Urias on today’s pod, but, I will give you the general gist, which was also my high school band name.  You might remember General Gist from such noteworthy songs as, “Keep Me Near You Or Thereabouts.”  Urias is a solid all-around bat, think .300 hitter, without huge power or speed.  He’s young though, which means he could blossom, so remain calm.  For now, I will call you, Zen Bobrist.  I would grab him if you’re struggling at MI to see if he can catch fire and master Zen and the Art of MI Maintenance.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Despite what their owner, fan base, and majority of their players believe, the Washington Nationals remain in the playoff chase, just a half game out of the wild card. Bryce Harper’s dad has never doubted them for a second! So what’s changed? Has Juan Soto taken his game to Coke Zero levels? Is Bryce Harper single-handedly carrying the team on his mega swole back? It’s actually been Ryan Zimmerman who has really caught fire of late and has given them that extra spark that not even a players over involved father can provide. “Mr. Harper I’m going to ask you again to stay out of the showers. You can’t be in here. This is the last time I’m going to tell you this.”  Zimm went 1-for-4 with his 10th home run on Friday night as the Nats cruised past Miami. Since returning from a lengthy stay on the disabled list, Zimmerman is slashing .341/.417/.732 with four homers and 15 RBI. Those are Soto/Harper-esque numbers, folks! Despite his early season struggles, Zimm is a bat that demands to be owned across all fantasy formats due to the line up he hits in and his history of mashing dingers. Lucky for you, much of the fantasy baseball world has dog days disorder where they’ve moved on from baseball to trendy end-of-summer activities like “going outside” and preparing for fantasy football (check out this shameless plug and click the link for gridiron gold). This is our time to strike, my over-the-internet friends. When everyone else has given up. Ryan Zimmerman was a BUY and is under 50% owned, but not for much longer. Ignore what Bryce’s dad says about his team mates, I’d grab Zimm everywhere he’s still available.

Here’s what else I saw Friday night in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

With Aaron Nola, I should likely talk about Zydeco, but he reminds me of Paul Simon’s quote about Graceland.  Vampire Weekend was criticized for copying his signature style, which is absurd since he copied it from African artists, and Simon copped to that.  He said, “In a way, we were on the same pursuit, but I don’t think you’re lifting from me, and anyway, you’re welcome to it, because everybody’s lifting all the time. That’s the way music grows and is shaped.”  Without every great pitcher to come before, would there be Aaron Nola?  I know what I know, and I lost Nola this year.  Like I lost Carlos Carrasco and Corey Kluber previous years.  I long for them when the diamond’s on the sole of their shoes.  Every year, I have guys I’m targeting as my ace whose preseason prices aren’t out of control yet.  Well, Nola went from fringe Grey-ownership this year as possibly my ace to not going to be able to own him until he falters one year down the road.  That sucks, and not sucks as in good, but sucks as in bad.  Yesterday, Nola went 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 10 Ks, to lower his ERA to Marla Gibbs’ address 2.27.  When he’s on other people’s teams next year and I say I would never draft him because his price is too high, remember, I see losing love is like a window in your heart.   Everybody sees you’re blown apart, everybody feels the wind blow.  In Nola, in Nola.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Starling Marte hit the DL with an oblique injury, which apparently opened up space for Austin Meadows to be called up.  Okay, I wanna be happy.  I do.  C**nt Hurdle seemed to do the right thing, Spike Lee.  However, I wanna mitch and boan about one thing.  The Pirates had to trade for Corey Dickerson to clog the outfield?  Dickerson screams DH.  Literally, he wakes at night screaming, “DH!”  He has David Ortourettiz’s.  Marte has already said he doesn’t think he’ll be out more than a week or two, so where’s Meadows going?  Back to the minors?  The Pirates have been doing The Running Man in place for years now, maybe you call up your 1st round pick who has 1,626 minor league at-bats!  Here’s what Prospector Ralph said in his top 100 fantasy baseball prospects, “The skills put him in the top three entering last season, but a injury riddled season, including his third consecutive year with a hamstring injury have me doubting the upside I once dreamed on. Meadows at his best combines plus hitting, running, and plate discipline with untapped raw power.  There’s still superstar upside here.  Speaking of which, I’d love to hit Grey upside his head.”  What the hey!  He looks like a 10/20/.280 guy to me, assuming he stays up, but assuming makes an ass out of the U. of Ming.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Vince Velasquez went 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 5.05.  Ironic his initials are VV, because owning him is anything but peaceful.  Maybe Richard Nixon was prophetic when he threw up the V’s.  Did Nixon say, “I am not a…conservative streamer?”  VV is so volatile, he’s like Nixon in a Pepsi full of Mentos!  “Vince, why are you taping us?”  Velasquez shakes his jowls.  “Why are you always hating Ian Kennedy?”  Velasquez diverts his eyes.  “Vince, why do you keep asking for advice from that WAR monger, Henry Kissingfangrapher?”  Velasquez’s peripherals are much prettier than his ERA — 11 K/9, 3.1 BB/9, 3.83 xFIP — but there is no way to recommend him without saying you know he can screw you at any moment.  So be careful listening to Henry Kissingfangrapher.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Just wanna put it out there that Al Gore did a better job of inventing the internet than he did at global warming.  All these postponements is a real shitshow…snow.  The way we’re going there’s going to be back-to-back tripleheaders in August for some teams with the ceremonial first pitch thrown out by Joel Youngblood.  Here was me trying to field a full fantasy team the last few days:  I’m going to hold onto Matt Davidson through his postponed games, at least I have Freddie Freeman, and now the Braves are rained out, well, I have Miguel Andujar in a doubleheader, and…that’s been canceled, guess I can grab whomever is starting for the Royals vs. Ohtani and that game has been called.  Hmm, down to one game on Sunday — Rays vs. Phils.  C’mon, Kiermaier–And he’s out after one inning.  FMFBBL.  Any hoo!  Yesterday, Starling Marte went 5-for-5, 4 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .305.  If you’re facing him, urine trouble, if you’re a PEDs tester, that is.  By the way, I heard an interesting tidbit on a podcast the other day.  If you wipe a baby diaper filled with pee on your face, you will stay forever young.  Of course, the advice came from a prisoner serving 25 years to life in San Quentin, so there might be side effects.  Coming into this game, Marte was hitting .241, and he raised his average more than sixty points, which shows you how young the season is still.  Maybe the season wiped baby urine on itself.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Franchy Cordero went 1-for-4 with his first homer as he was called up and hit leadoff.  Franchy!  Franchy!  Franchy!  Holy almond tart, no Franchy pan for me!  I won’t pan Franchy’s tools, I won’t suffer any fools, I want Franchy, man, pardon my drools.  Franchy is the kind of player you watch and you’re like, “Can I own him in every league on the basis of his sprint speed?”  By the way, Franchy has crazy sprint speed yet wasn’t able to make it out there for the brawl — hand on chin emoji.  Franchy seems like the kind of guy that will be better in fantasy than in real life.  Think about the outfield version of Tim Anderson.  I grabbed him in a few leagues to see what happens.  Remember, Franchy Cordero marries the best of French and Ranch dressing which is, um, I dunno, do I look like a senior citizen or a sorority girl?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?