Since the season started, us fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) have been listening for one distinctive sound. The sound of TSSST. The sound of TSSST is not a snake with a lisp. That would be pfft. No, no, the sound of TSSST is the sound of a Coors being opened in the summer. A soft sizzle sound. Yesterday, we heard our first TSSST of Coors. Pitchers pitchslapping pitchers; hitters hitting bloop singles because everyone needs to defend against the double; ten lords of leaping onto home plate for both teams. This is why I keep saying buy David Dahl (4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer); buy Trevor Story (4-for-6, 3 runs); buy Daniel Murphy (3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs); by Ryan McMahon (3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer) is hopefully Brendan Rodgers (0-for-1). If baseball is bizzonkers for home runs this year, and it is, can you imagine what Coors is going to be like? Every visitor is going to have a great day, whether it’s Christian Walker (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer) or Eduardo Escobar (2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer) like yesterday. Though, I still wish The Grand Cronyon was in the lineup hitting them to Boulder! (By the way, seeing a box score with Walker and McMahon both having HRs as a multiple owner of Cron/Rodgers is like seeing a picture of two guys high-fiving while treating a loved one like a Chinese finger trap.) More on Kevin Cron in this afternoon’s Buy column because my favorite movie is Die Hard With Old Habits. Speaking of buys (can you believe the smoothness of these segues?), buy all hitters in Coors. Not even Daniel Murphy, but especially Daniel Murphy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Shohei Ohtani – Didn’t start vs. Kikuchi, because Ausmus is a complete jackass. Not saying you have to do fan service for fan service’s sake, but hundreds of Japanese media fly in, people in Japan making it appointment TV, and Ausmus starts Jonathan Lucroy at DH just because he felt like it. Not like the Angels or Mariners are real contenders. Why not do the fan service thing here unless you are a legit moron, which I think applies for Ausmus.
Cesar Puello – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and now I have to actually look at him. Damn, Latino Chicken Caesar is old for having less than 20 games experience in the majors. He looks like a Quad-A player with some power and speed and no everyday job. I guess maybe La Stella sneezed on him. Think Latino Chicken Caesar is going to be most famous for the exchange, “Are you wearing a toga?” “No, it’s a wrap!”
Yusei Kikuchi – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.43. After his last awful start, someone said he was tipping his pitches. I hope it was the requisite 18%! On the reals, you can’t start him again until he shows he’s fixed the issue.
Tim Beckham – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games, hitting .259. Of course, he’s better than J.P. Crawford! Why is this so obvious to me and not to a major league team? Major League Team, “He also booted a grounder.” Oh, shut up, Major League Team! I’d grab Beckham if I needed power from MI.
Tyler Beede – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 7.82, as he was recalled vs. Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.08. With the Giants and Marlins squaring off, this matchup was billed as, “First team to one wins.”
Travis Shaw – Will rejoin the Brewers next week. To reduce risk of a heart attack, start to get frustrated now that a .160-hitting guy is replacing Hiura in the order and hitting higher than he ever hit.
Mike Moustakas – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .269. The most moistest of Moistasskisses!
Yasmani Grandal – 4-for-6 and his 12th homer and a triple short of the cycle, i.e., a catcher’s cycle with apologies to John Buck.
Joe Musgrove – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.57. “Why does it feel like my eyes are being cleaned with bleach?” “It’s blech, same difference.” C**nt Hurdle should shove his whole hand up Ray Searage’s ass and move his lips to say, “Forget pitching to contact, strikeout some guys.” Ya know what’s the greatest thing any Pirates’ starter has ever heard? You’re being traded.
Colin Moran – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer (more than Dahl — ha!), hitting .264, and this was his 2nd homer in as many games. Moran won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he does appear to be a risin’ schmotato.
Carlos Carrasco – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.98. Everyone in the preseason, “The Indians will make the playoffs, but only due to their pitching.” HA! *signs up for flying lessons, cancels lessons when remembers scared of heights, goes to 17 years of counseling for fear of heights, then takes flying lessons again, conquers fear of flying and heights* Flight instructor, “You never told me why for the last 17 years you were so dedicated to flying.” As I lift my Snoopy flight goggles, “I want to fly a plane into my computer showing my fantasy team where I owned Carrasco 17 years ago.” I know no one wants to hear this (!), but his peripherals look great and he could be a buy low. *dodges tomato* Sorry!
Jose Abreu – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .255, and 2nd homer in as many games. I like his new “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” attitude towards launch angling. I also like gerund’ing it. By the way, why the eff doesn’t gerund have an -ing form? I’m gerunding!
Adalberto Mondesi – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .287. On pace for 100/17/52/122/.280. I won’t even bother listing the 45 or so names that were drafted before him that everyone in the preseason was so much more excited about, because Mondesi doesn’t take a walk, which isn’t even a category in most of their leagues.
Jorge Soler – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .245, and this was his 2nd homer in as many games. Hey, no complaints, but, if I were to make a tiny complaint, cut your Ks a little.
Jake Junis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.35. Streamonator loves his next start, which is slightly crazy to me because it’s vs. the Sawx. His peripherals aren’t sneaking up on anyone like a Junis might imply.
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .299. The Seoul Train awards his owners with H.R. Volume 10.
Nomar Mazara – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .267, and his 2nd homer in the last three games. If he was dropped, well, okay, but he is starting to feel like a poor man’s Soler. I will call him, Light Bulb.
Jason Vargas – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.46. He’s pitching better than Syndergaard. Fantasy baseball: When everyday stress isn’t enough.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.48. I’d take a bet that Ryu ends the year with an ERA below 2.50, which in today’s game is like a sub-zero ERA.
Jerad Eickhoff – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.10. MLB teams are making it their personal mission to hassle the ‘hoff.
Dakota Hudson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.94. Dakota’s peripherals are the ugliest things I’ve ever seen in my life and I’ve googled “Blue Waffle” before in my life. Don’t you google it, if you don’t know what it is. Seriously! This is making you want to google it more, isn’t it? Hashtag Resist!
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. His time behind the plate will be short, because Yadier Molina should return shortly, i.e., you can’t keep a Molina away from a plate.
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Funnily enough (not funnily enough), for some stats I needed for the Buy/Sell coming later this afternoon, I saw Gyorko was averaging the longest distance on homers this year. Excuse me, longest distance on a home run. At the time, he only had one. Gyorko, have the decency to fade away like Josh Rutledge. By the way (and you thought I couldn’t find 500 words to talk about with Gyorko), if Josh Rutledge has a Google Alert of his name set up, his last five years have all been alerts from Razzball. With that said, I hope you’re doing well, Josh. Bed, Bath and Beyond made a great choice by putting you in the sleepers’ section.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .241. OZUNA wait for his pitch. OZUNA mime taking number at deli counter when entering batter’s box.
Martin Perez – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.71. Here’s my Martin Perez impersonation, “Everyone’s saying I turned a corner! This is fun! Watch as I turn another corner back to where I was! Wheeeee!” I have no faith in Perez now, and haven’t been that M. Perez’d by him. He’s better than he was going into this year? Yes. Now he’s great? No.
Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.54. I don’t own Morton. I do wish I owned Morton. *twitches nose, Morton doesn’t magically appear on my team* Bewitched sold me a bill of goods!
Avisail Garcia – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .301, hitting near-.350 in the last week with bizzonkers of donkers. I’m not sure if he’s owned in 50% of leagues, which is why he’s not in this afternoon’s Buy, but he should be, if he’s not. Also, Son just gave you his Avisail Garcia fantasy.
Austin Meadows – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs, hitting .361. Rays scored 14 runs yesterday, and the only home run was Ji-Man Choi (1-for-2, 2 RBIs, 5th homer) as he replaced a gimpy Pham (2-for-2). Excuse me, while I bask in my Meadows preseason sleeper, using it as tinfoil to reflect sun back on my face. *looks in mirror after tanning* Okay, who wrote ‘Daniel Palka sleeper’ in suntan lotion on my face?