You might remember ten years ago I drafted in the live LABR NL-Only auction. Okay, you don’t remember, but I do, so you’ll have to take my word for it. It was the first major league I was in. I was sailing on the wind of doves. I thought my feces smelled like Reese’s Pieces. I even joined the Local 564, a railway union, thinking LABR had something to do with that. Ah, the memories…they sure were fleeting! I was booted from the league after one year. Why? I’m not sure, but my money’s on I insulted someone. Well, ya boi’s back and he’s learned his lesson! Though, someone drafted Rhys Hoskins for $28 and I was cackling about that for a good 45 minutes. Yo, just send Rhys flowers and a ball in the dirt for him to swing through; he might respond quicker. For those of you not in the know, this is a 5×5 league with average. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds others for prizes –> Razzball Commenter Leagues.) Anyway, here’s my LABR 12-team, NL-Only draft recap:
C: Austin Hedges $1
C: Matt Wieters $1
1B: Pete Alonso $28
2B: Jurickson Profar $11
SS: Javier Baez $30
3B: Josh Fuentes $2
MI: Trevor Story $35
CI: Jose Osuna $1
OF: Sam Hilliard $7
OF: Ketel Marte $25
OF: Tyler O’Neill $7
OF: Ian Happ $9
OF: Trent Grisham $7
UTIL: David Dahl $20
Bench (free): Matt Adams, Billy Hamilton
P: Kevin Gausman $7
P: Craig Kimbrel $12
P: Dinelson Lamet $16
P: Steven Matz $6
P: Mark Melancon $8
P: Freddy Peralta $5
P: Jose Quintana $6
P: Julio Urias $14
P: Bryse Wilson $2
Bench: Edward Cabrera, Daniel Ponce de Leon, Jordan Hicks, Drew Smyly
YOU WANT TO TELL ME YOUR WAR ROOM VALUES, SO JUST TELL ME SO WE CAN MOVE ON WITH THE RECAP.
Mr. Al Caps, you sound like you could use mediation.
IT’S MEDITATION, YOU IDIOT! MEDIATION IS WHAT YOU LEARNED IN THAT RAILWAY UNION.
Ah, yes. A brief, but enlightening stint. Okay, here’s the War Room goals and where I’m at.
— Razzball (@Razzball) February 28, 2020
I jpg’d the important stuff, because I know your reading comprehension is between “fortune cookie” and “bathroom stall limerick.” The general gist is Rudy is fan-effin-tastic for pitching. By the way, General Gist was also the name of my high school band. You might remember our single, “I Get The Idea (Sorta).” For full disclosure, my war room values in that above screenshot are from before Bryse Wilson, because he would’ve brought my numbers down, and I didn’t draft him for that. I drafted him to send him down. Allow me to explain.
TERRIFIC. AN EXPLANATION WITHIN AN EXPLANATION.
Right, so in this league, you can’t move guys off your bench into your lineup and vice versa (great movie!) unless a guy is sent down or injured. Ideally, Bryse will be sent down and I can start Smyly for good matchups. If I had drafted Smyly and Bryse was on my bench, then I’d be stuck with starting Smyly every single week, even if he was in Coors. So, not only was this an explanation, but within it you also found a plan. Punny? P to the erhaps.
PLEASE EXPLAIN HOW YOU DRAFTED DAVID DAHL AGAIN — FOR $20 NO LESS! — AFTER ALL THE HARDSHIP HE’S GIVEN YOU IN PAST YEARS.
David “Porcelain” Dahl is my Achilles heel, which is ironic because his entire body is like Achilles’s Achilles heel. “What’s hurting you?” David Dahl looks sullenly in the mirror, and replies to the doctor, “Everything.” Hayzeus freakin’ Cristo, I can’t get away from David Dahl. There’s Joe Ross, Tyson Ross, and he’s the third Ross brother, Albat Ross, and he’s hung around my neck. I admittedly can’t resist a guy in Coors. See also Sam Hilliard, and to a lesser extent, Josh Fuentes. I say lesser extent because, for Fuentes to play, I think I need a giant wind to pick up Arenado, have him become the Marvel superhero, Torenado, and get relocated to one of the other 29 MLB teams.
OKAY, YOU SOUND CRUMBY IN YOUR HEAD, SO SEARCH BETWEEN THE NOOKS AND CRANNIES OF YOUR BRAIN CUSTARD AND GIVE ME SOME TAKEAWAYS.
My offense is ridunk. It is rerun on Showtime after midnight and guys mute the volume and just watch my offense when their spouse has a headache. It’s a gorgeous vessel of wonderful like a Pepperoni Combo. As you see from my War Room totals, I’m so far above in runs, HRs and RBIs, and that’s without a 3rd baseman or corner man. Can I get a cackle?! Even my steals are good and I didn’t sacrifice anything else, well, except average. I could quibble with Rudy’s projections for Albombso, Baez, Ketel and Story and say that my average is actually better than his projections, but if I’m trusting the other stats, I’m not going to pick and choose. (Not to be confused with hair picks and Choos from The Seoul Train Awards.) Also, Rudy’s projections are conservative on Happ, who I love, Grisham, who I love, and Alonso, who I love love love, so if I’m more accurate on those guys than Rudy, my offense is going to be silly stacked like a drunk game of Jenga.
YOU’RE PURPOSELY NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR PITCHING, RIGHT?
Listen, you can’t get the offense I managed to buy and not have some weaknesses. In these NL-Only leagues (and AL-Only, for that matter), I ignore pitching a bit. I’ve discussed it many times, so I’ll keep it brief, after this awkward intro about keeping it brief, at least nine of 12 teams are going to have weak pitching staffs. As long as I can get around a 4.00 ERA, I should put myself in the running to win the league if my hitting performs. Specifically, about the guys I drafted? Matz I can’t quitz; Gausman in San Fran is worth a flyer in every league as I say in my top 80 starters; Lamet is capable of being an ace, and I wrote a Dinelson Lamet sleeper; Julio Urias will be an ace if he gets 150 IP, and Quintana, well, someone’s got to get wins and innings. Overall, I like my chances, which is what’s important. When you get one chance a decade to play in LABR, you gotta make it count (like counting to 28 for dollars spent on Rhys Hoskins).