Alex Trebek, “The $500 clue is, ‘Now.'” “The time I pooped my pants on national TV.” “Sorry, that’s not correct. Susan?” “What is now? Like now? Now now? What kinda answer is now?” “Sorry, we can only accept your first question, ‘What is now?’ and that is incorrect. Grey, you buzzed in last because you were on your phone picking up a streamer for tomorrow. The answer is, ‘Now,’ your question is…” “What is the time to pick up Eloy Jimenez?” “That is correct. You control the board.” “Okay, I’ll take ‘Uber/Lyft for $500.” “Your neighbor uses this World War II pun when describing them.” “What is Taxis of Evil?” “Right again!” Any hoo! As Alex Trebek illustrated in the most roundabout way, now is the time to pick up Eloy Jimenez if you have room. He is absolutely tearing the cover off the ball in Triple-A like he’s putting the finishing touches on his Roy Hobbs Halloween costume — 11 HRs, .345 in 37 games. I mean, over-the-internet friend, he’s 21 and doing that? He’s going to be special. Only question now that ends in a period is will the White Sox call him up when rosters expand in September. My guess is they do and he starts the year with the club next April. He’s going to be a star with little Jeopardy. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Taylor Ward – Since there will invariably be Jansen or Ward questions, Ward is more interesting to me, but The Sciosciapath would rather twirl his finger on a phone cord while talking softly to Luis Valbuena in a Best Western than play anyone who interests us.
Ryan Zimmerman – On our 7-day Player Rater, Zimmerman is in the top 30. By the way, Ronald Acuña Jr. had produced $80 worth of value in the last seven days going into his matchup with Jose Urena. It makes sense Urena has me so pissed off, because his name sounds like Jose Urethra.
Tyler White – Every time I see his name I can’t help think about Phil Rizzuto calling Bill White by his last name for years. I used to cackle like only a 12-year-old with a mustache and no friends could.
Willy Adames – Tampa has more Hooters per square mile than any other city in the country (49 of them; one every 5.8 square miles), so we should’ve known to stop waiting for Texas to call up their Willie and look to Tampa for a brought-up Willy.
David Bote – When Noah loaded his ark with all kinds of facacta animals, he put on one GOAT and one Bote.
Adalberto Mondesi – Need a guy who could steal 15 bags from now until the end of the season? Look no further. Also, take that literally and stop trying to look through your computer screen; those x-ray glasses you bought from that back of that comic book don’t work.
Logan Forsythe – More of an AL-Only play, but you knew that because you have Forsythe.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – Eloy or Vlad? How about both? How about next week I’m going to do a Vlad lede buy? More questions for the Jeopardy! category, “Now.”
Charlie Culberson – Imagine someone looking at Culberson on your team and you beating them, isn’t that reason enough to grab him?
Aledmys Diaz – I’m low-key intrigued about Aledmys for next year — could finish this year 20+ HRs, has 5-steal speed and .260-ish average. That’s missing 40 games too. However, this is for this year, and he’s been hot.
Tim Beckham – Was looking at Beckham’s Wiki profile and he’s from Griffin, Georgia. The same Griffin as Rick Dyer, who Wikipedia says is a “Bigfoot enthusiast.” That killed me. Meeting someone at a bar, “I’m a Bigfoot enthusiast.” “I’m sorry, the music is a little loud but did you say you like big feet?”
Trevor Hildenberger – I was thisclose to starting Hildenberger in my NFBC weekly league over Trevor Bauer, but the Indians were like, “It’s a bruise, my dudes, we so good.” Stupid teams and their reports.
Drew Steckenrider – I’d give Chamillionaire $5 to hear him picking up Steckenrider, and he’d prolly do it for that. “Steckenriiiiiiiiiiiider.” Just had a funny thought, Chamillionaire going broke. First off, how about you change the name? ChaIowetheIRSamillion?
Koda Glover – Can see grabbing Glover, but Doolittle will likely return posthaste if posthaste means what I think and not a “long time.”
Chris Archer – This is more about dropping than selling at this time of the year because trade deadlines have past. I will continue to call it “SELL” for symmetry. It’s the golden ratio of fantasy baseball. Similar to the golden ratio of Jon Snow’s butt, except slightly different. As for Archer, look at it this way, at least you didn’t trade your best hitting and pitching prospect and your number draft pick from last year. If your league is shallow enough that you can stream, I’d look elsewhere.
Adam Eaton – Much respect to all of our readers. You know more than 99% of fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term) by simply knowing to read this. However (pulling the rug on that compliment!), there is 1% of that 99% who refuse to listen to me about Adam Eaton and continue to think he provides something interesting. Guys (and let’s face it, it’s all guys who think they know better about Adam Eaton), on our Player Rater, Adam Eaton is around the 606th most valuable player, and the 111th best outfielder. I realize you’re prolly just hungry, but Eaton is not helping.