Yesterday, the Jays’ catcher prospect Danny Jansen was called up. Finally, the Jays are ready to move on with their prospects. *Vlad Jr. waves his hand, trying to get their attention* It took long enough, but finally the time is here. *Vlad Jr. takes out a bullhorn and blows it* Did you hear something? The Jays did…Danny Jansen’s bat! Jansen looks like an offensive-minded catcher in the mold of Jerry Tomato Realmuto (think 15/7/.280). I grabbed Jansen in one league, because, I had Cervelli, who has a magnet for foul balls on his face like Stormy Daniels, and Russell Martin is going to play third while Yangervis deals with an oblique strain and, shucks, if only the Jays had someone else to play third. *Vlad Jr. marches with color guards’ flags, waving them. Finally, Vlad Jr. sighs.* Damn, too bad. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Ken Giles – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save, ERA at 6.11. You throw enough crap against the wall and eventually someone says, “Is that a Mapplethorpe? That’s beautiful!”
Sean Reid-Foley – Will be called up to start today for the Jays. He was on Prospect Ralph’s top 500 fantasy baseball prospects. PR said of Reid-Foley, “He offers my favorite pitching profile, a groundball pitcher with K per inning stuff, and solid control. Took a huge step forward in 2016 after learning a curveball from his older brother, a former Dodgers farmhand. His season ended prematurely after an elbow flare up (CRINGE), so there’s some obvious injury risk here. Overall I really like the player, plus he’s got a sweet stache reminiscent of one Grey Albright.” *blushes* Aw, geez! I didn’t grab Reid-Foley anywhere, but I could see it.
Tyler Glasnow – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.25 on the Rays vs. Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.02. This matchup was billed as “Glasnow vs. Ass Low (because he’s short).” I wouldn’t go anywhere near Stroman — I’m a short heightist — Glasnow I’m all over, and Podcaster Ralph are gonna talk on him at length, including what the hell were the Pirates thinking.
Kyle Tucker – 0-for-3, 1 run. The Astros recalled him from the minors. Listen, discarded sunflower seeds in the dugout aren’t going to clean up themselves. They need a guy who was hitting .382 in Triple-A since he was sent down to take care of stuff like that.
Erasmo Ramirez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.75, as Er-Ram replaced F-Her. As long as the romance remains.
Mike Zunino – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, and 4th homer in the last week. Who’s Zunino’ing who?!
Jon Lester – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ERA ERA at 3.89. Weird, on Saturday, a millennial was slathering him with avocado.
David Bote – 1-for-1, 4 RBIs and his 3rd home run. So much has been made of his walk-off grand slam — I’ve heard how he has the highest exit velocity, how he’s hitting .329, how he’s the Cubs’ spark plug and more — but one thing I haven’t heard is, um, why was he pinch hitting and not, ya know, playing?
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.19 vs. Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.00 on the Cubs. We know Max Scherzer is a weird-eyed freak, but look at Cole Hamels doing work! Sure, I grabbed him in my NL-Only league and it’s the only reason why I’m excited, but, tell me true, you can’t be excited for me? What is wrong with you!?
Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 4 ER and his 3rd blown save, ERA at 5.19. That went sideways fast for Madson. After the game, Madson complained of shooting pain in his back and leg. That is a side effect of giving up one of the worst blown saves in history. Next up, Koda Glover or Justin Miller. My money’s on Glover, because he’s got the special sauce.
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 25th and 26th homer. Au Shizz! Au Shizz!
Eduardo Escobar – 1-for-1 and his 17th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .280. Fun fact! There’s a class you can take at Colombia University called Drug Dealing 101, that is sometimes abbreviated Edu-Escobar. That’s not Columbia University in New York, by the way.
David Peralta – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 21st homer, hitting .303. You know what Peralta’s year is saying to me? Eddie Rosario in 2017. Everyone is going to ignore Peralta next year, and I’m gonna say something like, “He was already a top 40 outfielder, there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be ranked that high this year,” and big box sites will all but forget about Peralta in 2019.
Zack Godley – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Only three earned runs in his last 21 IP with more Ks than IP. Two of his opponents were also the dog’s breakfast, but then again dog backwards is God. Hmm.
Luis Castillo – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.04. He’s owned in 45% of ESPN leagues. Just in case you wanted to know how many people were still falling for the banana in the ol’ tailpipe.
Tanner Roark – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.12, but an under-1 ERA since the break. I dropped Roark before his Saturday start in Wrigley, but, hey, I also sold $10,000 worth of Apple stock at $10/share a month before the iPod dropped, so, ya know, what can do? *notices something* Hey, look, cyanide! Guzzle, guzzle!
Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.46. Right now, he’s the most reliable Yanks starter. Okay, not fully true, but I’m still dealing with Hand Covering Mouth Because I Own Masahiro Disease.
CC Sabathia – 6 IP, 1 hit, 3 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.32. I don’t trust CC as far as I can throw him, and I can only bench around 35 pounds, so I can’t throw CC very far. However (Grey’s turning the ship around!), he’s been decent for about three years in a row now.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4 and his 30th homer, hitting .281. I had a dream that Giancarlo would still get to 50 homers this year. In this dream, Giancarlo was wearing a whipped cream Speedo and I was a giant tongue.
Jake Arrieta – 5 IP, 5 ER in Petco, ERA at 3.33. Can’t believe I streamed this straight trash merchant.
Travis Jankowski – 2-for-3, 3 runs and 4 steals (16, 17, 18, 19), hitting .260, and more steals in one game than three weeks of Dee Gordon. Weak, indeed. Same word, different spelling, catch the drift? Cool, man, cool.
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 3rd homer in the last week. Just took him playing 267 of the last 268 games, and finally it’s clicking! Definitely seems like a hot schmotato, though.
Logan Morrison – Season-ending hip surgery. Too bad, so sad. So, Tyler Austin should now have a full-time job as the Twins’ DH. You know Tyler Austin, he’s the guy you loved when he was on the Yankees, and now couldn’t care less about. He’s also the guy who was better than Greg Bird even if you insisted on preferring Bird — prefird? You prefirded bastard! — Austin is more of an AL-Only guy for now, but that could change quickly.
Kohl Stewart – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER as the Twins called him up. Or maybe that’s *pinkie to mouth* Kohl’d up. He’s a ground ball-inducing, low strikeout pitcher who…*snores* Wait, what was I talking about? I started napping mid-blurb.
Trevor Hildenberger – 1 IP, 2 ER and the 1st post-Rodney Twins save on Saturday. The Twins using Hildenberger, as he continues to talk about how he’s tipping his pitches and not pitching effectively, is like that year in your 20’s when you wore sweatpants. You just didn’t care, and the Twins don’t seem to either. Trevor Sweatpantswearer is your closer, until further notice.
Danny Duffy – Has a 7.54 ERA in his last four starts, his velocity has dropped 3 MPH and he’s complaining of shoulder stiffness. So, what does his manager say? Duffy is dealing with “normal wear and tear.” That’s normal wear and tear like those acid wash jeans you still wear.
Seth Lugo – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. Mets are such cheap f**ks. Of course, they’re doing anything to not let Wahl or Gsellman get saves, and instead go with guys who they don’t care about. The Mets could obviously let Wahl close and see what they have with him, but their organization confuses an ESL speaker on the meaning of organization. Watch, the Mets will sign some vet this offseason to be the closer. Or even better, they’ll give Wahl an opportunity in March to win the job, when they could’ve let him get his feet wet this year. Any hoo! Lugo is the arm to own for saves.
Michael Conforto – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .235. He’s hitting like a poor man’s Piscotty this year. Call him Pisscotty.
Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.38, as he started in pace of Luke Weaver, who cut his finger on a soda can. That was a very expensive soda for the Cardinals, since Ross is owed $200,000 for every start he makes the rest of the way (which is why he hadn’t been starting). I wonder what would happen if the Cards had Gyorko throw out the first pitch, then had Ross relieve him.
Paul DeJong – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 3rd homer in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Edwin Encarnacion – Hit the DL with a sore hand. This is achin’ venient injury similar to Chris Sale’s injury with the Sawx. It’s the ol’ “Our team is obviously winning the division so let’s rest our guys a little bit” injury.
Adam Engel – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and he also brought back a Yonder Alonso homer. Hey, Engel, you got one over Yonder! Yooooo-daaaaaay-leeeee-eeee-hooo! I love a good yodel. Or their rebranded Ho-Ho.
Tyler Skaggs – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.78. He was activated from the DL and returned to the DL all this weekend. Last December, an ex-Mets trainer removed “Mets” from his resume and connected with the Angels on LinkedIn. It seemed inconsequential at the time, but could have lasting effects.
Trevor Cahill – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.39. Fish don’t fry in the kitchen; beans don’t burn on the grill. Took a whole lotta tryin’ to get up the nerve to stream Cahill. Sigh, you failed me The Jeffersons’ theme song.
Trevor Williams – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.66. Imagine my preseason sleeper Trevor Williams can actually get to a 3.50 ERA this year. That might be my greatest victory that I won’t consider a victory, because I can barely justify owning him in most mixed leagues no matter how well he’s pitching.
Dereck Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.25. I’d continue to use the Stream-o-Nator for D-Rod. By the by, this weekend the Giants retired Bonds’ number. Somehow, Dereck’s dad, Pudge, is in Cooperstown even though he used to be called Pudge because he was a big guy, then he lost 200 random pounds of muscle once MLB starting testing for steroids. The MLB leader in homers (and a shizzton of other honors) is not in Cooperstown because he wasn’t nice to sportswriters. Sportswriters are literally the worst. Don’t @ me.
Kyle Freeland – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.02 vs. Walker Buehler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Remember when Coors was a good place for hitters. *wavy lines* Hey, it’s July 2018 again. Sweet, I can pay the $340 July cable bill again. *wavy lines* Wow, worst dream sequence ever!
Ross Stripling – Sent to the bullpen with Kenta Maeda for the return of Hyun-Jin Ryu and Alex Wood. I’d own Wood and Ryu in any league. Stripling will prolly act like the long man, but Maeda could see saves, especially with Scott Alexander acting like a cuddle boy.
Rich Hill – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.57. Did I say Stripling wouldn’t be in the rotation? Oh, just wait until Rich Hill tries to open a pickle jar. “I hear pickle juice is good for blisters. So, I’m just going to rather nonchalantly open this pickle jar and…Hmm…Is this stuck…Ugh…Blister!!!”
Touki Toussaint – Will be called up to start today. I want to grab Touki for his name alone. I’m pumped up for Touki. I do it all for the Touki! But the Braves don’t have a straight course of action to keep Touki in their rotation. Touki is in Prospector Ralph’s top 500 fantasy baseball prospects too (key).
Sean Newcomb – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.40. Galaxy brain: Touki replaces Newcomb in the rotation.
Josh Hader – 2 IP, 0 ER and the save on Saturday, ERA at 1.54. Why is it surprising when a manager goes to the most obvious guy in a bullpen? Have we been conditioned to expect so little from managers? Can we not expect more? That’s why I, Grey Albright, am running for manager of every major league team. With your vote, I can have the right guys closing games.
David Price – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.75, 1.69 ERA in his last five starts. Great, excellent, adjective, he was going against the O’s on Saturday. You know why they’re called that? Because they give every opposing pitcher the O face. On the bright side, Price gets the Rays next and the Stream-o-Nator is all bowdy-bout-it.
Steve Pearce – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. As I always say, the fifth AL East team a guy plays for is always the charm.
Chris Sale – 5 IP, 1 hit, zero walks, 12 Ks, ERA down to 1.97, as he was activated from the DL. Happy Monday, now it’s time for a rant. Clearly, Sale was never injured; his pretendonitis wasn’t the least bit believable. I mean, sure, the O’s are terrible, but, c’mon, Sale had pitched great prior to the DL stint and immediately following it. The Sawx were obviously trying to keep his innings down, which is fine! I don’t mind. Who cares? Not me! But — again with some stank — BUT! they should have to keep him on the roster and just skip him. Teams should not be able to do fake injuries for DL stints. So, how do we stop this? I have an idea! A league doctor. Let’s call the doctor, Dr. Don’tfeelgood. Yes, with an apostrophe because he’s Hawaiian. Don’tfeelgood flies in, checks a player injury and, if he’s not really injured, no DL. We can have Don’tfeelgood check for injuries on so-called healthy players too. Say Ohtani wants to be DL’d, but the Angels won’t do it, because they’re stupid. The player can call Don’tfeelgood, have them look at the MRI results and override the team doctors. You could air Don’tfeelgood’s checkups on MLB TV, tell me you wouldn’t watch this. Well, except when they’re checking for groin strains.