You know that expression, “If you’re alive long enough, you will see a time when Samoans are skinny, petite men who request silver dollar-sized coconuts to cover their nipples.” You don’t know it? That’s because I just made it up! You’ve been TRICK’D! It’s my spinoff of Punk’d with your host The Amazing Johnathan. The expression’s sentiments I just made up are accurate, however (as far as I’m concerned, and, sadly, this isn’t a democracy, and I’m the one that matters). The expression’s root is from the actual expression, “If you live long enough, you’ll experience everything.” This feels especially apt today because we’ve gone from wanting to own Miguel Sano, to cursing Miguel Sano, back to wanting to own him again. What’s next? A skinny Miguel Sano requesting smaller coconuts to cover his nipples! Okay, maybe not immediately, but if we live long enough! I don’t have any great hopes for Miguel Sano, but he’s owned in 30% of leagues and that seems low for even him. There’s not a ton of guys who can hit 15 homers from now until the end of the season; Sano’s on that list. Will it happen? I don’t know, maybe if we live long enough. Circular logic is your friend because it too can cover your nipples. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Francisco Arcia – The Sciosciapath refuses to play catchers who are good at hitting because it makes him reflect on his own shortcomings as a catcher and it upsets him so. Arcia has been hitting though; we’ll see how long it lasts.
Jake Bauers – Maybe it’s because I used to go to Psych 101 drunk (it’s all in Who Is Grey Albright?), but it fascinates me why some rookies come up and get owned immediately and you can’t pry them from their owners, while other rookies arrive with a long pull of apathy off a plastic straw — you heathens and your plastic straws!
Kendrys Morales – I don’t want to sound like Joe Simpson ranting about batting practice attire, but I have a feeling in ten years we’re going to look back at Statcast and think, “Wow, we really put a little too much emphasis on those exit velocity numbers.” Anyway, if you do buy into Statcast, Kendrys is a surefire buy (and Trumbo, Olson, Palka, Pham…Well, Statcast is littered with a lot of emoji shrugs).
Ryon Healy – As of this writing, he has 21 homers and 38 runs. Yo, Adam Dunn called and wants his stat line back!
Logan Forsythe – Quick unrelated note (like the rest of this shizz is related), Robinson Cano is not listed because he’s owned in more than 50% of leagues. Barely at 51%, but it should be much higher. As for Forysthe, more of an AL-Only play with his new home. Not much long term. For dynasty leagues, I’d go with John Forsythe. Hip cultural references!
Jonathan Villar – Will be fun to watch my enthusiasm for Villar wane from now until next Friday, but, right now, I’m so jazzed up about owning him in Baltimore. Next Thursday Grey, “You are a f***ing moron.” Farming? It’s true, I don’t really know the first thing about hoes.
David Fletcher – Malcolm Gladwell Blink Fletcher take: He’s played well in his short time since his call up! Actually looking at his stats: Okay, so, he seems okay for AL-Only leagues.
Yairo Munoz – Maybe it’s because the Cardinals connection, but he reminds me of Aledmys Diaz. Allow me to demonstrate: *hits pizza delivery guy over head with a blackjack, shows up fifteen minutes later dressed as pizza delivery man, knocks on hotel door, Aledmys Diaz opens door* “Did I ever tell you you’re my Yairo?” *rips pizza delivery shirt off revealing shirt “Bette Midler’s Biggest Fan”* Do you see how far I will go to illustrate a point?
Nick Williams – Since I’ve been doing this shizz since you were in diapers, which also means you were in diapers as an 18-year-old, allow me to tell you what is going to happen to Nick Williams this offseason. Around January, I will write a sleeper post on him. In February, another sleeper post will come out on him. By March, dozens will write a sleeper post on him and he will suddenly be overrated. He will have done nothing this offseason to change perception of him, but people will suddenly realize he was not bad this season.
Tyler O’Neill – Kinda wish we could see what O’Neill could just do with everyday at-bats, but he’s sharing time with Harrison Bader, who I’d also love to see with everyday at-bats. I guess Mick had it right, you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime you find SAGNOF elsewhere if you need speed.
Mallex Smith – Hey, Mick! Over here! Has hit for a decent average and stole a bunch of bags this year in relative obscurity, hitting at the bottom of the Rays lineup will do that to you. If he ends up with 35 steals and a .285+ average, you’re gonna wish you owned him rather than some more high-priced SAGNOF gambits.
Jose Leclerc – Unlike Mychal Givens or Mike Wright Jr. or whoever the Orioles could turn to, the Rangers’ Leclerc has solid peripherals and might actually help your fantasy team more than hurt it. Trying to help your team vs hurt it? We’re in a brave new world. A novel idea, I know.
Drew Steckenrider – WebMD describes Beef Stew Brain as being unable to think clearly. The disease originates from the feeling of nonlinear thinking making one feel like their brain is submerged in a beef stew. Don Mattingly suffers from BSB, and even he thinks it might be time for Steckenrider to take over for Barraclough.
Will Smith – I have Hunter Strickland, so I have no ulterior motives saying this, but Smith should just remain the closer the rest of the year. Strickland punched a door like a moron and should be made to pay the price of not getting the closer job back. This has been an installment of Real Talk with Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it).
A.J. Minter – Arodys Vizcaino and Brandon Morrow should go on a fishing trip with John Lurie (one of the best TV shows of all-time, by the way), because I don’t think either closer is going to be doing much baseballing the rest of the year.
Bobby Wahl – Went over him this morning. Click around the site to find it and earn me a cool, hard .00000000067 of a penny.
Freddy Peralta – It is with much trepidation that I recommend Peralta, but this is a Stream-o-Nator call like the call it makes to a personal injury attorney to see if it has a claim because its feelings were hurt when it was called a ‘stupid pile of metal’ at a grocery store.
Travis Shaw – Yes, these Sells are nearly drops, but we’re getting close to that time of the year when trading deadlines are passing in fantasy leagues. Next week, I will be giving you straight drops. Though, in some shallower leagues, these guys might already be drops. The addition of Moistasskiss was a blow, in the non-sexual way. The addition of Schoop was the nail, and Shaw’s been coughin’ up all his fantasy value since.
Max Muncy – To use the most dominant curse of the Rastafarian people, bumba clot! How do you go from being the unheralded leader of the team, the heart and soul, the je ne sais quoi of what was making the Dodgers work, the unlikelyiest of unlikely Home Run Derby contestants to a bench player. Even if I do think Brian Dozier could be one of the best players in the 2nd half, it’s just a bad move from a morale standpoint to bench Muncy, but there’s also no way he can play every day anymore, so go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer to see what you might be able to get. I wouldn’t trade him for two front row seats at a “Raspberrying Lips” contest, but I would explore options.