Indians Designate Lineup Drivers To Bench And Call A Kluber

Corey Kluber (7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.83, and his 1st 20-win season) just passed Trevor Bauer with 216 Ks, giving the Indians four guys with 200 Ks.  They may not even win as many games as the Rays, but you’re really coming for the Indians in the playoffs?  I predict a red-blooded, all-American Indians-Braves World Series.  “Hello, my name is Woke Wally.  Yes, I’m wearing a badge that reads, ‘Woke.’  I received this honorary badge as a participation trophy from my wife, Margaret.  Do you know what I was participating in?  Citizenry!  I’m here at your sheriff’s office to file a formal complaint on behalf of the millions affected by a casually racist World Series.”  The Stream-o-Nator lines Kluber up vs. the Royals for his final game, but I can’t imagine he throws more than three innings in that start, and is likely just skipped.  For 2019, Kluber is once again going to be way out of reach for me, like an imaginary tassle on the end of a Braves fan imaginary tomahawk.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dylan Covey – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.06, but two straight solid starts. He gets the Twins in the final game, which might also be Joe Mauer’s final game, so he’ll be amped up to hit at least one dinky single.

Stephen Strasburg – 4 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs; thanks, Angel Hernandez!), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.77.  Pretty sure I’m going to like Strasburg next year, assuming he’s in the scrap heap of starters like Robbie Ray, Carlos Martinez and others who totally screwed up a few of my teams this year.  Hey, our first 2019 starters tier!

Matt Wieters – 1-for-1 and his 8th homer.  I grabbed him for yesterday’s game, after I noticed he homered in his last game, so wham-bam, thank you, batty call slam!  Didn’t hurt that he was lining up against the girl from Grease.

Juan Soto – 2-for-4 and his 21st homer.  Juan Soto says, stay thirsty, my friend!

Anthony Rendon – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .309.  When it comes to liking this guy, I am often Rendon’d powerless, and I see no reason why next year is any different.  Everyone needs some lynchpins of rock solid production and Rendon is one of mine.

Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (32) and legs (29), hitting .343.  You know what’s awesome?  When players get on a mission to conquer some personal achievement.  Whether it’s someone going for 20 wins, 200 Ks or 30 homers, sign me up for all that personal achievement crap.  I want my guys chasing shizz to show their agent for contract negotiations!  If Betts is trying to get 30/30 or .350 or 35 homers, sign me up!  This, of course, backfires when someone reaches a milestone and then takes himself out of the lineup, I’m reminded of Jose Reyes winning a batting title by not playing.  Also, it’s fun to remember negative things about Jose Reyes.

Nathan Eovaldi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.88.  Who has more strikeouts this year:  Eovaldi or Ryan Pressly?  Okay, worse either or question ever.  Anyone’s that’s ever taken a test unprepared knows:  If one name is sticking out as not belonging, that’s the answer.  Some more names with more Ks than Eovaldi:  Gaviglio, Cahill, Straily and Cashner.

Dylan Bundy – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.49.  I just had a physic vision, Bundy will be owned in one 2019 league.  It will be a 30-team, mixed league.

Didi Gregorius – Thinks he can play this week after resting for a few days.  Also, Gregorius D.I.D. will be releasing a posthumous to being-declared-dead-for-the-year album called, “Life After Catching One’s Breath.”

Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.54, as he pitched the 7th inning.  Chapman’s fastball velocity was noticeably down like the comforter left for the woman handcuffed to his bed.

Jameson Taillon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.16, and was pitchslapped by Hamels.  The Stream-o-Nator rightfully loves Taillon’s final start of the year, and he seems like someone who will actually make that final start.

Francisco Cervelli – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer.  That gives him 24 homers combined with his spring training homers.  Ah, only six months until the Cervelli narrative that he’s a power hitter.

Kris Bryant – 1-for-3 as he hit sixth, which is the lowest he’s ever hit in a major league lineup.  When asked the last time he hit so low, Bryant replied, “It was 1999, and I was seven years old and I kept singing, ‘I’m gonna potty like it’s 1999,’ and coach was upset about Y2K and, well, I was stuck in the seven hole.”

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.60.  I’m now rooting that the Cubs lose the rest of their games until the weekend, so Hamels has to pitch again.  Who says fantasy bastardizes sports?

Trevor Story – 2-for-5, 1 run as he returned to the lineup.  He said he might have to bounce throws to 1st base if his elbow hurts too much.  Sounds like he’s in tip-top!

David Dahl – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer.  Been some real ‘piece of work’ lineups this year.  One I haven’t mentioned as much is how Dahl hits third.  I love it.  Keep Dahl in the third spot, it’s what I say while sipping my cognac and stroking my mustache.  What is screwy like putting together a Whattafücker desk from Ikea is, how does a guy qualify to hit third — the best spot in the order — but also warrant getting benched?  His splits are bad, because the Rockies have made them bad by not starting him vs. lefties.  Hit him third vs. everyone!  (Especially in Coors, for me, please.)

Jon Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.91.  One more start of 75 innings, 0 hits, 0 walks, 100 Ks, and we’ll be good.  Don’t discount the power of positive thinking.

Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-4 and his 33rd homer, hitting .245.  Okay, that’s my preseason projected homer total, now raise your average thirty points in the final week.

Jack Flaherty – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.16.  I have it on good authority that the Cards don’t care if Flaherty can’t pitch next year, due to too (stutterer!) many innings this year, because they’ll just turn someone else into a 3.25 ERA pitcher.  Tyson Ross, you got next!

Jose Martinez – 2-for-5 and his 17th homer, hitting .305.  Hasn’t been bad for his draft price, but, let’s just say, he was not a 30-homer breakout.

Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer.  You got five games to hit seven homers, do something!

Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.91.  No lie, his ERA on my team, where I dropped him about six weeks ago, is 5.15.  Also, no lie, my iTunes just started playing Joey Scarbury’s Believe It Or Not (Theme from The Greatest American Hero).  My iTunes is mocking me!

A.J. Pollock – 1-for-3 and his 20th homer.  He’s now homered twice in the three games since the Diamondbacks have been eliminated.  He’s taking this Pollock thing too far.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-5 and his 21st homer.  He has a 14 AB/HR ratio, basically Just Dong and Nelson Cruz-type rate.  Here’s to hoping he gets 500 ABs next year.

Felix Pena – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.18.  Not only does the Stream-o-Nator love his final start of the season, but he’s also the type who shouldn’t be limited, and he gets the playoff-bound A’s, who should be sitting everyone.  That’s a no brainer, my speciality!

Ty Buttrey – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save, ERA at 3.31.  He’s given up 5 ER in his last two outings, officially one inning.  He’s putting the butt in Buttrey.

Ronald Guzman – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer.  Like Mr. Chiquita Banana, he does hit them in bunches.  If you’re looking for a hot schmotato gamble, I could see grabbing Guzman.

James Paxton – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.85.  Paxton’s report cards, “Jimmy, has incredible ability, but he doesn’t exert himself.  Also, he missed 67 days this semester.”

Robinson Cano – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer.  Notice this clubhouse melanoma returned and the Mariners faded from the playoff picture?  Dee Gordon needs to flex on him.  “Gordon, you’re turning green.”  “I’m mad.”  “You look like an asparagus.”

Dee Gordon – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Flexing that asparagus power!

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer.  That season was mucho appreciado by some people in AL-Only leagues.  “I guess I’ll take a $3 Lowrie, and punt MI.”  Six months later, “I’m the Reggie Roby of MIs!”

Matt Chapman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer.  His 2nd half has to move in him in front of his teammate, Olson, next year, right?  On our Player Rater, they are within a 12-team round of each other.

Khris Davis – 1-for-5 and his 46th homer.  Member what I said about 750 words ago for Betts?  Let’s hope Davis wants to get to 50 homers.

Derek Holland – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.63.  Streaming Holland is like streaming a Dutch TV show on Netflix without subtitles.  “I don’t know what is going on, but it’s dark and gloomy.”

Bryan Mitchell – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.42.  Fun fact!  Until today, you thought Bryan Mitchell was hair care products.

Aaron Sanchez – Shut down for the season.  A school nurse would call that, an Unhealthy Sanchez.

Kevin Pillar – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer.  Ya know who Pillar is?  The hitter anyone drafting Kevin Kiermaier thinks they’re getting.  I will call him Kevin Nearmaier.

Josh Reddick – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, and three homers in the last seven games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Carlos Correa – Continues to sit with a back issue.  Speaking of back issues!  How about the back issue of Grey’s Sports Almanac where I begged you not to draft him this year?

Lance McCullers – Activated from the DL with the Astros saying he can throw a few middle relief innings and, “There’s no more DL, so what the hell.”  As much as it pains me to say this, because I like McCullers, but I think his real calling is in middle relief like McHugh.  Call it McRelief, which is also the name for the charity McDonald’s started for people who eat McDonald’s.