It’s all Rangers, all the time up in this Mug’s Root Beer. You in your 90’s, “Hey, kiddo, I remember back in the August of 2018, this young man, Grey Albright. He had a full head of hair and a gorgeous hairlip. Well, that young squirrel talked at length about the Texas Rangers. Texas? You don’t remember that? It was a state. It became a part of Meh-eee-co after the War of 2020, when Admiral Kushner tried to invade Tijuana to erect a large-scale fence twenty yards from an already erected fence. Oh, well, it was nice talking to you, I’m going back to watch The Real Housewives of Miami Island.” Yesterday, Joey Gallo (3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 30th and 31st homer) lit up the scoreboard like the Macy’s Day Parade. Macy’s Day is a holiday when jeans you don’t want are purchased cheaply by relatives and handed to you, much to your chagrin. It’s a tradition; don’t act above it. You, “Can this guy really talk for 500 words about Joey Gallo without talking about Joey Gallo?” Just try me! So, Gallo is on pace for a nearly identical year to last year when he hit 41 HRs and .209. Right now, his average is at .202, but, don’t worry, he’s got at least .007 in that bat! His strikeout rate never budged from last year no matter what spring training narratives were saying about him cutting his Ks down. Have you seen his swing? He starts in Austin and ends in Arlington. Never the hoo! He is who he is, and good at what he does — hit bombs. Now, see you back here tomorrow for all the dirt on Isiah Kiner’s Korner with Falafel. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nomar Mazara – Set to begin a rehab assignment. Or if his father Ramon is reading, a baher assignment.
Elvis Andrus – 2-for-5, 2 runs and extends his hitting streak to 19 games. There’s no truth to him being the love child of Elvis Presley and The Andrus Sisters, because they were The Andrews Sisters. And it’s true.
Mike Zunino – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 15th and 16th homer. The great thing if you own Gallo and Zunino is you have a boatload of homers. The bad thing *starts 4-hour egg timer* you got some time? What, you don’t like 4-hour eggs?
Marco Gonzales – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.79. Marco…Regressio! Marco…Regressio! Marco…Regressio!
Vince Velasquez – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.98. You before the game, “Velasquez has pitched well for over a month!” You after game, “It doesn’t matter with Velasquez, does it?” No, it doesn’t.
David Peralta – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and hitting over .500 in the last week with three homers. I don’t want to call him a hot schmotato because that implies he’s not owned in 50% of leagues, and I want to believe you people — yes, you people! — are better than that.
Patrick Corbin – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.15. Sadly, I can only toot my horn figuratively, so let me give you my monthly reminder I called Corbin a sleeper this year and told everyone to draft him.
David Dahl – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I know this gives the impression that I’m never happy and don’t want Dahl to play, but A) Why is Dahl suddenly playing every day and Desmond not at all? I get it, Desmond hasn’t been great, but July was easily his best month, hitting .321. Suddenly, the Rox are over him? B) Just because Dahl’s playing now does not mean he will be playing every day by this weekend. C) There’s no C. D) I’d still own Dahl, and do.
Chris Archer – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.36. Gotta love how the Pirates went into Coors like Travis Scott went into the summer of rap albums and shoved Drake, Kanye and everyone else out of the way. By the by, Archer is seemingly the Pirates’ third best starter.
Rafael Devers – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Is it really sexual harassment when I say, ‘I like how you hold your melons,’ and someone is eating fruit salad?”
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, as he hits leadoff. That is almost as bad as Hunter Renfroe hitting third. In fact, might be worse. However, Grichuk is the type to get hot for short spurts — hey now! — so can see grabbing him.
John Gant – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.89. So far, so good on me streaming Cardinals pitchers vs. the Mehlins. Next up, Gomber vs. the Royals. Wish me luck, I’m going gorilla! And I don’t even know what that means. (No one knows what it means, but it’s provocative.)
Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .285. No dog in the fight, which is every podcast’s favorite saying, but I don’t want Molina to get into the Hall of Fame. Not because I care, but I wanna see Cards fans’ heads explode.
Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 31st homer, and 5th homer in the last six games. I hope Carpenter screams at each home run ball as it sails away, “That died for your sins!”
Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and his third game with a homer. He can homer every game the rest of the year and it still makes no sense for him in the three hole. Though, yes, definitely hot schmotato.
Jesus Aguilar – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer. Also, in this game, Travis Shaw (2-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 23rd; Eric Thames (1-for-4) mollywhopped his 16th; Christian Yelich (1-for-5) badonkadonked his 18th and Orlando Arcia (3-for-4) tapped out his third. The Ghost of Harvey Kuenn is enjoying all that wallbanger’ing. Mean’s while, Teddy Higuera would be a welcome addition to their staff.
Miguel Sano – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Guys and five girl readers, if Sano goes off, you will never hear the end of my ‘I told you so’s.
Cody Allen – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save, but the win when Franciso Lindor’s 29th homer bailed him out. The term here is an escape goat pulling one out of his sphinctory, but I’m not sure the Indians are going to be so generous and they might talk to the Hand.
Jose Quintana – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.28. This start was against the Royals while being schooled by his opponent, Heath Fillmyer. That’s right, someone said, “Name your favorite candy bar, and street you grew up on,” and Quintana lost to him.
Adalberto Mondesi – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .259. In the last week, he has four steals and not much else, but maybe this will ignite Thee Disowner Of Raul.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 27th homer. This was the 1st homer he’s hit since I hid in his closet to watch his reaction as he opened my gift-wrapped plushie.
Mike Fiers – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.40. I cannot tell a lie, I streamed Fiers a few starts ago and have not dropped him since. Yes, I feel dirty, but that’s again about me hiding in Giancarlo’s bedroom.
Robert Stephenson – 4 IP, 3 ER as he was recalled. His numbers in Triple-A have been awesome this year. Then again, he’s 42 years old pitching to kids that are 12 and they’re like, “Cool, I thought only Bryce Harper’s daddy pitched to him.” Robert Stephenson wrote Treasure Island and died in 1894, so you tell me how old he is? That’s spooky, brah. Okay, Stephenson is only 25, but that’s still a little old, but maybe he’s a late bloomer like the Chinese man who got into the Guinness Book of World Records at the age of 89 for having 67-foot-long toenails. For now, I’m not even streaming Stephenson.
Amed Rosario – 1-for-4, 1 RBI and his 11th steal, hitting .230. I’ve abandoned my “I told you so” from earlier in the year when I was begging the Mets to move Amed to the leadoff slot, and not just because Rosario was hitting .141 coming into this game out of the leadoff slot. Though, that would’ve been a good reason. Go Mets!
Austin Jackson – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting near-.375 in the last week with a home run. Could be a light schmotato or just a reason to scream, “Action Jackson!”
Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.77. Well, he has six wins now:
Rooting for Jacob deGrom just so BBWAA has to give the Cy Young to a starter with 5 wins.
— Razzball (@Razzball) August 8, 2018
Jacob Nix – This Padres pitching prospect will make his debut this weekend vs. the Phils. Visually, I’m thinking ‘Padres’ and ‘pitching’ should be underlined in that sentence, but I have too much faith in you to draw attention to those two words, though just to make sure I’m not overestimating you, I’ve chosen to write another sentence about what should be emphasized. His numbers aren’t get out of bed and slap yo’ mama sexy in the minors (7 K/9, 3.96 xFIP in Double-A), but one shouldn’t “slap yo’ mama” anyway. What kind of heathen are you? She birthed you. Podcaster Ralph listed Nix in his top 500 fantasy baseball prospects. For now, he’s a streamer-slash-NL-Only play.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .265. I’ve said four times in the last week Trumbo is the type to get to 30 homers with a huge 2nd half. Know how I know I said it four times? Bee-cee that’s how many times he’s homered in the last week.
Tim Beckham – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. You can wait to see him homer once again in the next game or two or you can just grab his schmotato ass.
Andrew Cashner – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.83. No lie, I swore that he pitched two days ago, and had an identical line, so I went to look and it was Alex Cobb. Why is every Orioles starter completely interchangeable? Peter Angelos starring in Multiplicity: Orioles Starters!
Mallex Smith – 1-for-5, 1 run and two more steals (24, 25), hitting .298. Take or leave it from a real baseball standpoint, but I love it for fantasy when it feels like a guy is trying to pad his own stats. Mallex B. Stealin’ is a capitalist!
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer, and 18th homer of the 2nd half. Kole’s turned into a diamond, “Aw, man, it’s nuts.”
Justin Upton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and 2nd in as many games, and the Angels are finally a .500 club now that they got rid of that Trout fella. Go hang out with Tim Salmon, would ya please.
John Hicks – Hit the DL with a groin strain. Baseball players are either scratching their groins, adjusting their groins or straining their groins! It’s time we made it mandatory that all minor leagues are neutered. I’m Grey Albright, and I approve this message.
Tyler Flowers – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I believe Charlie Culberson has hit that many homers this week. Oh (Rockies reliever), Culberson (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit another homer yesterday, his third game with one. Open a separate wing at Cooperstown for Culberson!
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Tilde break of dawn! (Underrated De La Soul song.)
Mike Foltynewicz – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.98. If you were in the comments yesterday, you might’ve heard me say I have to start Faultywirewitz, but not excited about it. So, today, you might be thinking, ‘Hey, Grey, turned out okay for you.’ Yeah, well, the thing is, I also had to start his opponent, Tommy Milone (6 IP, 7 ER).
Kelvin Herrera – Hit the DL with right rotator cuff impingement. Ryan Madson is the clearcut replacement, until Madson pitches, then everyone will be in play. I grabbed Justin Miller, but that will almost undoubtedly turn out terrible. Koda Glover is reportedly 2nd in line. In related news, how long will Sean Doolittle be dealing with foot stress?
Juan Soto – Was ejected for arguing balls and strikes. Yearly Rant Alert! The game is not doing well with a younger generation. We got pitch clocks! Mound visit counters! We’ve already lost the intentional walk of four pitches thrown! Okay, no great loss there, but there’s a change afoot. Here’s a super easy fix. Stop empowering umpires to eject people over absolutely nothing! Imagine you’ve taken your kid to the ballpark. Spent $250 on tickets. Another $100 on concessions. Wanted to show your kid this Juan Soto, 19-year-old, kid. Talk about him the whole way to the stadium. Then he’s ejected for whispering under his breath he thought a strike was outside? Is this supposed to engender people to appreciate the game more? Are you kidding? What in the serious eff. My fix comes with one rule, if an umpire kicks out someone for nothing, he will be suspended without pay for two weeks. Stop bending over backwards for umpires. No one is at a game to see them. /end rant