You know how they say think about baseball to make sex last longer? Okay, so I was thinking, to make the baseball season last longer do we think about baseball? Maybe we think about sex. This is a riddle for the Sphinx! “Hello, Sphinx, I have a question. Yes, I have $20. Why do you ask? Because you’re a sex worker wearing gold paint and not an ancient Egyptian statue? Ah, that’s my bad.” You ever read that book, The Mouse That Roared? I think it was assigned for me to read back in school, and I watched the movie instead. Solid flick! So, if a mouse roared, he’d be a hoarse mouse while still roaring. That’s how I’m screaming David Dahl‘s name right now. Like a roaring hoarse mouse. An RHM, as they say. Who’s they? Hoarse mouses, of course. The bitter enemy of the church mouse. Are you following? Cause I’m leading you down some place of interest. I am a hoarse mouse roaring David Dahl because I love him. Yesterday, he went 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 4th straight game with a homer. He might be my favorite player for 2019. You take your Adalbertos, but David Dahl has 35/15/.290 ability in Coors and, with how he’s playing these final weeks, he might actually have the lead for the three hole in the Rockies’ lineup going into 2019. This is the best spot in the major leagues to hit. As a roaring hoarse mouse on a horse might say, giddy up! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
O Lourdes’, Yuli, give us the strength to win our final head-to-head match ups. Give us enough power to steal back those roto cats. Oh great and wise fantasy Lourdes…and Yuli, I know you can help us! Friday night baseball’s Gurriel brothers, Lourdes of the Blue Jays and Yuli of the Astros, each hit two home runs. You go, Gurriels! It was the first time in MLB history brothers had multi home run games on the same night or something, don’t quote me on that google it. Joe and Dom? Sandy and Roberto? So jelly right now! Sounds like a great STUMP trivia question in five years we’ll never remember the answer to. Honestly though, these are the kind of family-centric stories baseball needs right now! With these look-at-me showboating young guns and their home run trots, and their fortnite dances and their neon cleats and their racist tweets. They’re disrespecting the game! Anyway, Yuli Gurriel (3-for-4, 2 HR (12), 7 RBI) is likely already owned in most leagues you have any chance of winning at this point but little brother Lourdes Gurriel (3-for-4, 2 HR (11)) is still available in over 90% of leagues and he’s hitting .400 with three homers and seven RBI in the past week. Lourdes have mercy! more like it. What is your MI doing? If the Lourdes is doing better grab him while he’s hot! Dude’s got a brother in the big leagues–that’s called pedigree, my fake internet friends. Justin and Melvin Upton the ball is in your court. Wait is Melvin still in the league? Doesn’t matter. It’s not stopping Stephen and J.D., who I hear are already planning a comeback for the record! Only the good Lourdes can save us then.
Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:Please, blog, may I have some more?
*life flashing before eyes right before death* Wow, that’s a lot times I picked up and dropped Chase Anderson. Is it weird I can understand where Mike Tyson was coming from when he said he wanted to eat Lennox Lewis’ children? Some of these players — Sonny Gray, Jon Gray, Chase Anderson — come to mind that make me want to eat someone’s children. Not really (yes, really). Why couldn’t Chase Anderson do this when he was on my team?! *lines tacks up on desk, slams head down* I’m okay! *blood dripping from forehead like Abdullah the Butcher* I can’t see! *screaming at intern* Getmeahandiwipesoicansee–Okay, I can see again. I’m still seeing blood though. Yesterday, Chase Anderson went 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.13. The peripherals are still not there for Anderson — 6.1 K/9, 3.5 BB/9, 5.17 xFIP — so I won’t be going back in on him. That doesn’t mean it won’t make me think about salt and peppering some kids if he pitches well again. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Howie Kendrick is out for multiple 10-day DLs with a ruptured Achilles injury. Look at it this way, if Achilles couldn’t come right back from an Achilles injury, how would Kendrick? He can’t, he’s out for the year. Enter stage left, Juan Soto. True story, as I was listening to Prospector Ralph and Lance Broetc. discuss the top 25 prospects for fantasy baseball (clickbait!), every time Ralph would say Juan Soto I’d think he was asking Lance if he wanted soda. I kept wanting to say, just give him a Dr. Pepper and stop asking if he’s thirsty! I don’t drink Soto, because it makes me burp, but I’ll tell you what? I’ve found a special appreciation for La Croix. Give me flavored seltzer or give me death, as Alan Hale Jr. once said. Any hoo! Love, love, lurve what the Nats did. If you have a guy that’s going to be a superstar? You call him up! H to the hockey sticks with an E in between! If the Blue Jays don’t call up Vlad soon, I will call them the BJs for the rest of eternity. Ralph has gone over Juan Soto so many times, that it’s silly to reiterate. Literally, he just wrote a Juan Soto fantasy. If you’re really lazy and you have wheels on your barcalounger so you can get around, the most succinct is Soto could be a 35/12/.300 hitter during his peak and is 19 years old with extra fizz. You can expect this year something similar to Bryce Harper’s rookie year — 20/15/.270. If your eyes don’t bug out on that, you’ve lost feeling in your eyes. Get them checked. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Dodgers rookie/phenom/franchise savior Walker Buehler continued to impress Friday night combining with three other relievers to no-hit the sad, sad Padres. Walker went six innings on 93 pitches striking out eight while walking three for his second win in just his third major league start. He is good at throwing baseballs. With three of the Dodgers’ best players hitting the DL recently the defending NL champs need something positive to grasp onto right now, and if Buehler can be their Baby Kershaw than way less fans would have to jump on the Angels’ bandwagon, which is already pretty full considering its carrying over a quarter of the Japanese population. The Dodgers top prospect has been every bit the flamethrower he was advertised to be with his 99 mph fastball which he can locate with pinpoint accuracy and he also features a decent slider and curve. You can read Ralph’s profile on him here if you don’t trust a word I’m saying, but honestly, I’m only trying to help. Maybe his 1.13 ERA and 1.06 WHIP with a 19/7 K/BB in 16.0 IP will convince you? To be fair, his three starts have come against arguably the worst three teams in the league in Miami, San Francisco and San Diego, but to be even more fair, he matches up with unarguably the worst team in the league record-wise in the Cinncinati Reds next week. Yes, you should own him! The upside here, especially for those sweet, juicy strikeouts, is immense, and outweighs any concerns about locating his breaking balls or off-speed stuff, high pitch counts going deep into games, or his rumored rocky relationship with Kershaw. That last concern I made up just now! If he’s still out there in your league, runner don’t Walker to the waiver wire to grab Buehler. This kid’s gonna be a start! Ha-cha-cha!
Here’s what else I saw Friday night in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Eeeeeh, sexy Pirate
Op, op, op, op
Oppan Kingham style
Eeeeeh, sexy Pirate
Op, op, op, op
By now this post will most likely feel like it’s late to the party, but since I only write once a week there’s not much I can do about that. The word on the street is that Kingham will get another turn in the rotation. I guess a near perfect game more or less forced their hand. Way to do a good job with that tough decision there Pittsburgh. However, Clint Hurdle did say that there were no promises after his second start. Looks like Kingham has another hurdle in front of him to keep from being sent back to Indianapolis. Perhaps another near perfect game will do the job.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Indians and Twins set sail for the Caribbean island of Puerto Rico to rid themselves of the cold weather. Puig should really be from there, because white people pronounce each similarly awful. “Welcome to Pwwwwwayto Rico!” This was a homecoming for Francisco Lindor (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) and he promptly hit his 2nd homer, a moonshot that went about 275 feet (but, hey, it counts). Also, taking advantage of the short fences was Michael Brantley (3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 1st homer), Jose Ramirez (3-for-5, 4th homer) and Yonder Alonso (1-for-4, 3rd homer). The video of Lindor going around the bases is all that dem feels that baseball does right. How does baseball not have a team in Puerto Rico? Talk about something that is so obvious you have to be as ignorantly run as MLB to not see it as plain as day. Move the fences back 25 feet in Hiram Bithorn Stadium, switch out the fungo bats for mofongo and let that star shine! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, it was a good day (freaking brothers every way like M.J.) to be an ace. Corey Kluber went 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 13 Ks, ERA at 1.57, pitching against the Tigers. One of the best, if not the best, pitchers goes against one of the worst, if not the worst, hitting teams, and you have a masterpiece by the pitcher. Just be clause. Qualifying, that is. To not be outdone, Max Scherzer went 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 0 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 0.90, and stole his first base. Take that, Ohtani! Scherzer has 80 grade speed if he’s in a DeLorean and wants to go back to 1955. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Padres starters give me the feels; Mariners starters start the underneath tinglings; Dodgers starters feather enthusiasm on the undercarriage. Reds starters? That park is so blech. Luis Castillo’s sexy, but, again, that park and…I trail off, thinking about whatever happened to Better Call Saul, did that show end? When my thoughts drift back, I remember what I was thinking about, and see Tyler Mahle. More like Tyler Mehle was my thought. Now? After watching him dismantle the Cubs? Color me intrigued, with a red paintbrush. Yesterday, Mahle went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks. He looked shaky as all get out to start the game — walked Happ, Bryant lined out hard, hit Rizzo, then he said, “Good morning, good afternoon, and–Well, I already have two outs, so I’ll have to say good night in the next inning.” And he did. He settled down after that, and no one looked close to starting a rally. He had a bit of luck at one point by getting to face the opposing Tyler after giving up a triple to Baez, but Mahle didn’t exude a whole lot of sweat beads otherwise. I’ve seen more sweat on a girl doing a Tyler Chatwood, which is a euphemism for tying a cherry stem into a knot with your mouth while seamlessly carrying on a conversation. I grabbed Mahle in one league for his next start vs. the Pirates, and plan on going one start at a time for now, but I’m encouraged. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Scott Boras is pushing this “MLB owners are in collusion” narrative, and what better way to push that agenda than have Mike Moustakas turn down a $17.4 million dollar qualifying offer from the Royals to re-sign with them for $6.5 million. Boras is playing a long con here, and no one’s seeing it! But I see it! *takes index and middle finger and points at eyes, then points at picture of Boras* You know who Mike Moustakas needed as his agent? Regina King. She is doggedly persistent. Have you ever seen Regina King quit? Oh hell no. There’s no quit in that woman in every role she’s in. If Scott Boras were married to Cuba Gooding Jr. in Jerry Maguire, Cuba would’ve signed for chump change, and never waited for his quan moment. Moustakas needs to hire Regina King, stat! So, I haven’t changed anything in my projection and ranking for Moustakas in my top 20 3rd basemen for 2018 fantasy baseball with this re-signing, because that was the baseline I was projecting off of anyway. Now to see if I can get Regina King to do my auction bidding for me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2018 fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the post, there are a few RCL drafts this weekend that need you! You as in you you. Why are you looking over your shoulder? I’m talking to you! Sign up for a league, and if we don’t fill them, you’ll get your money back, but let’s assume they will be filled because you like to win some cash-money. Yes, you you still! Also, in those leagues are JayWrong and MattTruss, so you know the leagues will be talked about on the site. Anyway, the roundup:Please, blog, may I have some more?