What an absolute trip this offseason has been, huh? Emphasis on ‘has been,’ and hyphenated. And trip as in “catch one’s foot on something and stumble or fall or other Macy Gray lyrics.” And ‘trip’ might actually be a misspelling of ‘drip.’ To recap, what an absolute drip this offseason has-been, huh? Players have already reported and Manny Machado is only now signing and Bryce Harper still hasn’t, said the man who likes to point out the obvious. Obvious Man continued, “I need oxygen to breathe.” Shut up, Obvious Man! Yesterday, the Padres signed Manny Machado to a 10-year, $300 million contract. We should’ve seen this coming all along. After all, San Diego is the world’s most languid city. Also, remember all those people saying Machado would sign with the White Sox, due to Yonder Alonso signing there and being his brother-in-law? I mean, a guy doesn’t want to be with his in-laws? No kidding!
Now Machado will be in the cozy position of hitting between Ian Kinsler and Eric Hosmer. Does he just prefer to hit in garbage lineups? Was Balty-more (how I say it) not bad enough for him? What an absolute shizzshow this 1st round has become. In the top 10 for 2019 fantasy baseball, I’ve moved Machado down to another tier as the 2nd tier in the top 10 becomes increasingly barren. “Acuña or Trea Turner or die,” as my bumper sticker I’m manufacturing says. Petco isn’t the ‘terrible’ park everyone has made it out to be in past years, i.e. Petco isn’t for the birds and is not a dog of a park or–Fill in your own damn animal pun! It’s still makes me shudder hard at thinking of hitting in front of Hosmer, but, as previously mentioned on the aforementioned tip, hitting in the Orioles’ lineup wasn’t amazing either and Machado did fine for many years. I did lower his projections in the top 10, and I’m now way more tentative on him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw for fantasy baseball this offseason:
PSYCH! Before getting into the post, we have an announcement:
Razzball Introduces An Ad-Free Option
I know, I know, I know, but you love seeing ads for “Kate Hudson Beauty Secrets” that then lead you to a free Amazon gift card which is actually an Eastern European man living in Nigeria who managed to clone your DNA from your IP address and just slept with your wife using the Amazon Gift Card Clone, who goes by the name, Tommy. I love those ads too! They are terrific! However, and this is going to come as a shock to some of you, there’s people who don’t appreciate the IP clone illegal download software ads that sleep with your wife. I know, shocker! For those people, Razzball is introducing an ad-free option. As Rudy tells me, direct people to the Tools Subscription page and they can figure it out from there. I have my doubts, but what better way to prove me wrong? The ad-free subscription runs for 250 days — a Jewish calendar year! — and is only for one sport. There is now a Log In in the top menu for people too, so if you’re a subscriber, there’s no more need to email Rudy or I asking, “Hey, I bought the subscriptions and I can’t figure out where to log in? Is it at the log in page?” Wait until we introduce the “Grey comes to your house and just operates your computer for you” option. Anyway, here’s the roundup:
J.T. Realmuto – Phillies traded Jorge Alfaro, Sixto Sanchez and (other piece) for J.T. Realmuto. Jerry Tomato Realmuto goes from the lineup of 2016 Mets — the RemnanMets? — to one of five teams trying to win a World Series this year. *chef’s kiss* “That-a doesn’t hurt-a,” as a stereotypical Italian would say. That doesn’t change my outlook for Realmuto in any way, however. In the top 20 catchers for 2019 fantasy baseball, I gave Realmuto the stat line of 86/18/69/.271/5 in 512 ABs with the foreknowledge that he would be traded. Put away the kindling and stake. There’s no reason to burn me for being a witch. Everyone knew Realmuto was going to be traded. The Marlins said as much for the last three months. The only surprising thing is the Phils were the team to get him. He will now sit somewhere in the top three spots in the lineup, assuming Gabe Kapler doesn’t do a burpee and hit Realmuto at the bottom of the order. Jerry Tomato is still a catcher, and not one I’m messing with, and don’t end a sentence with with — dah!
Jorge Alfaro – Went the other way in the Realmuto trade. I love this move for Alfaro’s fantasy value, let me just say that right now, as I talk like Gordon Ramsey. As I mentioned in the blurb on the top 20 catchers, Jorge hits the ball Al-FAR-o. Get it?! Goddamn you people, why don’t you get my puns! You did get it? Oh, then my bad about yelling. Alfaro averaged 420 feet on his home runs, so I don’t think the Stadium That A Unicorn Puked Up in Miami is going to hurt him at all. In fact (Grey’s got more!), it could help him because who else are the Mehlins hitting in a prime spot in the lineup? Brian Anderson? He’s about as exciting as his Wonder Bread name. I didn’t change my Alfaro projections in the top 20 catchers, but, if I were, I’d make them more optimistic. Honestly, guys and five girl readers, the one thing I really want from my catcher is at-bats, and Alfaro is about to get him some. Anime Grey also goes over Alfaro and Realmuto in the catchers’ video:
Curtis Granderson – Signed by the Mehlins, and is projected to hit against righties at or near the top of the lineup. Granderson is just another piece of the RemnanMets the Marlins, apparently, needed. Hey, when you want to finish in 2nd place in the NL East, eight games out of 1st, how else would you go about doing it but assembling the exact same team. I didn’t rank or project Granderson, because, BLEH, but Rudy’s 12-team auction values have him ranked 1184th overall, so, ya know, if your league’s deep enough.
Neil Walker – Signed with the Mehlins too. If the Marlins can get their hands on Lucas Duda, watch out! On those same 12-team auction values, Walker’s ranked 1111th. So, again, depends on size of league.
Sergio Romo – Signed with the Marlins. When the Marlins are the most active club signing people, you need to reevaluate everything, including those Crocs you have on. Romo saved 25 games for the other Florida team last year. No, not the Palm Beach Pelotas of the Jai Alai league, I mean the Rays. As much as I prefer not to add Romo into my top 500 and tell you to draft him, he has at least a 50% chance of saves, so he was added and projected. Mattingly has also said he won’t name a closer this year. No word if it’s just because he can’t remember names.
Francisco Lindor – Placed on the 7-9 weeks on the Injured List. Lindor is out seven to nine weeks with a calf strain, as of February 8th. Let’s see the season starts on March 20th, but that’s only for two teams, then the real season starts two weeks after that, then Lindor’s injury is seven to nine weeks from Feb. 8th and if the train is going 175 MPH from Akron to Cleveland that takes us to Lindor returning on… Where’s my calendar?! I subtracted 80 at-bats from his stat line, and a calf strain is worrisome with steals, at least in the early part of the season and moved him in the top 10 for 2019 fantasy baseball.
Mychal Givens – Orioles said they might not name a closer this year. When asked who they have that can close games besides Givens, the O’s said, “Look a birdie,” as they pointed at a ball cap, then ran out of the room
Carlos Martinez – Will need two weeks of strengthen his shoulder before throwing, and had one of those ‘encouraging MRIs.’ Praise be. I moved C-Mart down to the top 60 starters from 2019 fantasy baseball, and removed about 60 IP from his projections. Dude’s a schmohawk and I’m not sure how I was so bamboozled. I’m still in at a cheaper price, but barely.
Corbin Burnes – This has nothing to do with nothing, or not from nothing, as my mom says, but I’ve seen some heat on Burnes, and his heat, and he’s on my radar for potentially adding into my top 100 starters. Steamer pitcher projections show him at a 5-5/4.53/1.41/76 in 84 2/3 IP, and he has no current spot in the Brewers’ rotation, so I’m holding firm for now, but he’s on my radar.
Mike Moustakas – Signed a deal with the Brewers to play 2nd base, keep Travis Shaw at 3rd base and Keston Hiura will aim for a Triple-A Triple Crown. This reminds me of a famous quote said by Keston Hiura after every Brewers signing of the last 18 months, “What does this mean for me?” Well put, Keston. Or rather ‘stay put.’ This doesn’t change much from my top 20 3rd basemen for 2019 fantasy baseball rankings. Moustakas will once again be in a solid lineup in a solid park and should flirt with 100 ribbies like he’s Pablo Sandoval at a ribs buffet. “Hello, what are all of your names?” That’s Sandoval flirting at a 100 ribbies.
Cameron Maybin – Signed a minor league deal with the Giants. Before you scoff at the Giants’ moves, they’re making a run for the basement, and you live in our mother’s basement, so show them some respect. Imagine being rumored to signing Bryce Harper and, instead, signing Yangervis and Maybin. That’s like ordering a private detective movie off Amazon Prime, and instead getting a pic of Bezo’s junk. You when it arrives, “Well, I did order a private dick pic.”
Gerardo Parra – Signed with the Giants. Parra’s nickname should be The Prospblock. Everywhere he goes he shuts down optimism for any rookie playing time. Or call him Gerardo Porque, as in Gerardo WHY?! Last year in Coors, he was only able to go 6/11/.284 in 142 games, so I don’t have high hopes for him in San Fran, and am reluctant to even include him in my top 100 outfielders.
Mark Melancon – Giants said they won’t announce a closer for a few weeks. Right now, my projections have Will Smith as the head of the Giants’ closer committee, but they have all the makings of a closerousel that will have me shizzposting all year. Bochy and his ginormous head are the types to go with Melancon over the logical choice of Smith. Maybe Will Smith will be traded to the Royals:
— Razzball (@Razzball) February 18, 2019
Nick Senzel – The Reds said Senzel has the lead on the Reds’ CF job. You couldn’t hear it but I just had a boing in my pants. In my top 20 3rd basemen for 2019 fantasy baseball, I’ve moved him way up the rankings, while not changing his projections yet. As they say at The Stanley Hotel, it’s a hedge.
Jesse Winker – Reds said they expect to get Winker 500 ABs. I’m not taking them at their word just yet, because that means Matt Kemp just won’t play much, which sounds crazy to me in this godforsaken land of the MLB where upside never plays and old/boring always does. I’m over here flinching at good news like MLB has damaged my self-esteem. Either way, Winker was moved into the top 80 outfielders for 2019 fantasy baseball.
Derek Dietrich – Signed a minor league deal with the Reds. MLB owners are shopping like I do at the supermarket: The olive bar is $12.99/lb, but, if you put it in a salad bar container, they only charge you $7.99/lb.
Melky Cabrera – Signed with the Pirates to a minor league deal. Melky’s gonna fit right in, because he’s had pirated cable for the last three years. One side note that’s unrelated but Melky reminded me, you hear about this talk of a DH in the NL? I’m fine with it, doesn’t really bother me, but have you seen some of the lineups across the majors? Most teams would be better off if they removed the DH vs. added it in. The Pirates’ cleanup hitter currently is Francisco Cervelli! Last year I made a bet that no one on the Pirates would hit 20 homers. I’m gonna double or nothing this bet. That lineup is such garbage.
Shohei Ohtani – Ausmus said of Ohtani’s return, “Why don’t you eat a little, you’re getting so skinny.” Sorry, I’m conflating Brad Ausmus with my dead Jewish grandmother. Won’t happen again! Ohtani’s not supposed to return until May, so I dropped him out of my top 100 for 2019 fantasy baseball, and into the top 500 for 2019 fantasy baseball, removing about 100 ABs from him.
Brad Boxberger – Signed with the Royals. Kiss your “Wily Peralta as closer” pendants goodbye. Hehe, you just kissed a Wily. It’s cool, I won’t send you to conversion therapy. One love! Especially for you. Ned Yost said he doesn’t expect to name a closer going into the season, but I’m pegging Boxberger, and have projected him as such in the top 500 for 2019 fantasy baseball.
“It’s 2019, guys, cmon, that’s just bad.”
“Better. Thank you.”
— Razzball (@Razzball) February 7, 2019
Anyhoodle! Hellickson’s signing is problematic for my top 100 starters because I had Joe Ross as the Nats’ 5th starter and didn’t rank Hellickson. I’m still not ranking Hellickson since his projected K/9 is 6 and his xFIP is 4.80, but this does throw a bit of cold water on Joe Ross. I might knock him down at some point, but for now I’m holding tight.
Zack Britton – He changed his name from Zach to Zack. Leave it to a Britton to be a total teabag.