*visoring your eyes with your hand, squinting at the light as you emerge from your mother’s basement* “Hey, mom, it’s the All-Star break and I thought I’d come up to say hello.” Where the house once stood, it’s now a Whole Foods, and you’re standing in the cheese aisle. Confused, you approach a man in Birkenstocks, “Excuse me, is this 450 Palm Terrace Road?” “It is.” “Wasn’t there a row of houses here?” “Back in March, they bulldozed this area when the yuppies won a city ordinance that says there needs to be a Whole Foods within at least three-quarters of a mile of another Whole Foods.” You reel back, overwhelmed with how your family is gone and how you’ve been living in a Whole Foods basement. You turn to an employee, “I need to sit down, and can I get a free sample of any cheese?” You smile, revealing Cheetos-dusted teeth, and thus begins your All-Star break. Tomorrow, I’ll drop the top 100 for the 2nd half, then there will be a Buy/Sell again Friday morning. One guy who will have extra time this All-Star break will be Mike Matheny. Last week it was revealed, Mike McNulty set up a sting operation in the Cards’ bullpen to see if everyone was doing their best with Bud “Bubbles” Norris as his informant. Then when the Cards fired Donnie Brasco Matheny, he might’ve took his informant with him, because Jordan Hicks (1 IP, 1 ER) got Sunday’s save and Norris came down with mysterious arm concerns. I’d absolutely grab Hicks. You know what’s the difference between Hicks and Norris? One makes you say, “Ooh MPH…” The other makes you say, “Oompha.” Also, usually I ignore trade rumors, but at this time of the year, you should be extra vigilant about backing up closers because at any point in the next two weeks a closer could get traded and you don’t want to leave it up to getting to the waiver wire before everyone else. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Please see our player page for Jeremy Hellickson to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.
Yesterday, Trevor Bauer continued to keep the drool moist on his owners’ chins — 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.30. The other day some ‘perts listed their biggest surprises of the 2nd half, and one (maybe more) talked about how surprised they were about Bauer. Yeah, shocker. *insanely long pause, staring straight ahead* Really, really surprised. *just a dead-eyed stare, slowly picks up Capri Sun, sips real slow on tiny straw, lets out long burp* Yup, no one saw that coming. Yesterday, it was too bad, Cody Allen had an epic Kazaam — 2/3 IP, 6 ER, moving his ERA up to 4.66. I’m just going to sit down for a second. Aw geez, it hurts to sit. I’m going to lie on my stomach. Make the pain go away. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Trea Turner hit his 10th and 11th homer, contributing 8 RBIs, touching home plate three times for those jimmies (what they call runs on the east coast) and hitting .280 on the year. Feels like people are not excited about Turner so much this year. Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?
This one just came across my desk in the Razzball news room. Apparently Walker Buehler suffered this injury (rib microfracture) three starts ago (!) but he’s a hockey player who fought his way through it. Conflicting reports about whether he’ll just miss one start or more in case they want to manage his innings. Stash or Trash: Stash. Kid’s looked great and a worthy heir to the Clayton Kershaw crown. Fill In: With another six starting pitchers going on the DL, I’m going to make my starting pitcher replacements at the bottom of this article.Please, blog, may I have some more?
From Fozzie Bear’s Big Book Of Side-Splitting Jokes (Please Laugh), “Why couldn’t you hear the guy who didn’t draft Michael Wacha? He was Mike-less. Wacha Wacha Wacha.” “Did you see him pitch yesterday? He was reWachable, knocking down Pirates like he was playing Wacha-Mole. Wacha Wacha Wacha.” “What do you get when you don’t listen to Grey’s preseason advice to draft Michael Wacha? An unbearable fantasy baseball ‘pert giving I told you so’s. Wacha Wacha Wacha.” Yesterday, Michael Wacha took a no-hitter into the 8th inning, ending up with the line 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.41. At one point in the 8th inning, he hit 97 MPH on the radar gun, which was the point when I licked my finger and touched the screen to listen for a sizzle. Since I didn’t hear the sizzle, I tried the same with an electrical socket to make sure I was alive and not a ghost. Turns out I’m alive, but with smoke coming out my ears. Speaking of smoke coming out of one’s ears (taking that segue right off a cliff!), Blake Snell threw about as gemmy of a gem as you’re gonna find for someone gemming up the works — 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (0 walks), 12 Ks, ERA at 2.36. Of course, Snell was yet another one of my preseason sleepers, but if only we had one more of my preseason sleepers that did well on Sunday to satisfy my Rule of Three craving. Someone who was on no one’s radar for a reason I couldn’t quite understand. Someone who hit three homers yesterday and has 13 homers on the year. Wait, that did happen! Eddie Rosario (3-for-5, 4 RBIs) went Bazooka Jack times three yesterday to seal one of the greatest days in the history of my life. Sorry, wedding day, you’re moving down the list! If you wanna bask in my glory: here’s the Michael Wacha sleeper you ignored, the Blake Snell sleeper you missed and the Eddie Rosario sleeper you didn’t believe. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hope everyone had a nice Mother’s Day! Or, as it’s known in my house, Bill Hall Day. *it’s 2074, Grey Albright’s frozen head is on a shelf next to Ted Williams’ frozen head* “Hey, Ted Williams, Happy Bill Hall Day.” “You’ve been calling it that for 65 years.” “It’ll catch on by next year. By the way, you have a booger-icicle hanging from your nose.” For Mother’s Day for Cougs, I took a picture of our dog Ted’s penis, then Photoshopped it into Bill Hall’s hands, so it looked like a pink bat. Of course, I inscribed it, “You’re always a home run to me.” I’m so romantic! Any hoo! Sean Newcomb silenced the Marlins pink bats and pink jerseys and pink hats — were they also advertising Anna Faris’ new movie, because they went Overboard! — 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (1 hit), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.51. Of course, this matchup wasn’t the hardest, but his peripherals (10.4 K/9, 4.2 BB/9, 3.65 xFIP) look close to that of a number two to three fantasy starter. Not bad since he was drafted as number five. He’s one bad mother! Or May the Bill Hall Be With You. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
There’s no greater compliment I can give a player than I wish I owned him in every league. Okay, maybe a higher compliment is I wish he’d married my mom and been my dad, but then he’d be old and I wouldn’t be able to own him in every league, unless he married her when I was, like, 20 and he was three years old, but then I’d sorta be like his dad, but I would have to call him dad and that would be confusing, what would I call him, “Lil’ Dad?” “Half Pops?” “Daddy Little Jeans?” And if Daddy Little Jeans were my dad and I owned him in fantasy and he had a bad game, then dinner would be awkward. “Hey, Daddy Little Jeans, you can’t get a hit off a Marlins pitcher? You’re useless, and my mom wants a divorce!” So, in conclusion, it’s best if I say I want to own a player vs. have him be my dad. Seriously, though, Bryce Harper (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with his 8th homer, hitting .315) could be finally putting up that 45/15/.320 season we’ve all been dreaming about, and headed for a $750 million pay day with the Yanks (after holding out for three months into the season).
Bryce Harper hit a home run on a broken bat, or one of those tiny collectible bats. Either way, impressive. pic.twitter.com/un2IIXyret
— Razzball (@Razzball) April 17, 2018
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ariel Miranda pitched a no-hitter yesterday through six innings and 112 pitches that had to be the worst six-inning no-hitter in baseball history. Shame the M’s removed him before he gave up a hit, because this could’ve been an epic debacle — depicacle? Remember those Hall of Shame books from the 1980’s that always featured at least one anecdote about Steve Lyons? Usually that anecdote was of him undressing at first base. Somehow that largely visual gag was depicted in literary prose in these books. If they still had those books, Ariel Miranda’s six-inning no-hitter would’ve had a chapter. He went 6 IP, 1 ER, zero hits, six walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.72. Only thing that was missing was him taking his pants off on the mound or clowning around with Max Patkin. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Maybe because I am not Prospector Ralph aka Endorphin Ralph aka The Prospector aka Prospect Jesus aka Peter, Paul and ‘I Know Prospects’ Mary Well aka The Pro-Spectulator aka I Am Still Not Beating Grey In Our League And Grey Beat Me To Waivers For Rhysus aka No, You’re Minor, I’m Major, But I Know Minors Just Not Like That aka Ralph Lifshitz, but this year’s September call-ups are kinda sad. Do I like Jack Flaherty? Sure, Flaherty is must SCTV! But he’s kinda more to do with matchups. Tyler Glasnow? Well, more on him in this afternoon’s Buy column. Willie Calhoun? Great, but where does he play? Harrison Bader and Franklin Barreto? Haven’t we gone down that road already? I would absolutely grab any September call-up if he was helping me in a redraft league, but the choice between Willie Calhoun platooning and, say, Howie Kendrick playing? Kendrick all day, and twice on Muesday, that magical day between Monday and Tuesday. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
If you hail from Central New Jersey, sorry. I didn’t mean to get your hopes up. Albert Pujols does not represent the 609. If you are a Ludacris fan, sorry. Pujols may or may not have garden hoes in different area codes, but I can neither confirm nor deny it. Rather, Pujols slugged his 609th career home run Friday night. It doesn’t matter that it came off Jeremy Hellickson, who’s allowed the 14th-most home runs this season, and is already the 439th-worst of all time. I was going to go on an epic rant about how all the stories are focused on the fact that he’s tied with Sammy Sosa for the most home runs by a foreign-born player. Who gives a flying F where he was born? Then I started thinking, I wonder which player born in Los Angeles has hit the most home runs. Yet again, I’ve managed to stymie myself. Anyways, who cares that Pujols has a triple slash of .229/.274/.374 with an ISO of .144. Let’s just celebrate the great career he’s had and send him off into the sunset after this season. My self checks to make sure this is his last year…Please, blog, may I have some more?