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From Fozzie Bear’s Big Book Of Side-Splitting Jokes (Please Laugh), “Why couldn’t you hear the guy who didn’t draft Michael Wacha? He was Mike-less. Wacha Wacha Wacha.” “Did you see him pitch yesterday? He was reWachable, knocking down Pirates like he was playing Wacha-Mole. Wacha Wacha Wacha.” “What do you get when you don’t listen to Grey’s preseason advice to draft Michael Wacha? An unbearable fantasy baseball ‘pert giving I told you so’s. Wacha Wacha Wacha.” Yesterday, Michael Wacha took a no-hitter into the 8th inning, ending up with the line 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.41. At one point in the 8th inning, he hit 97 MPH on the radar gun, which was the point when I licked my finger and touched the screen to listen for a sizzle. Since I didn’t hear the sizzle, I tried the same with an electrical socket to make sure I was alive and not a ghost. Turns out I’m alive, but with smoke coming out my ears. Speaking of smoke coming out of one’s ears (taking that segue right off a cliff!), Blake Snell threw about as gemmy of a gem as you’re gonna find for someone gemming up the works — 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (0 walks), 12 Ks, ERA at 2.36. Of course, Snell was yet another one of my preseason sleepers, but if only we had one more of my preseason sleepers that did well on Sunday to satisfy my Rule of Three craving. Someone who was on no one’s radar for a reason I couldn’t quite understand. Someone who hit three homers yesterday and has 13 homers on the year. Wait, that did happen! Eddie Rosario (3-for-5, 4 RBIs) went Bazooka Jack times three yesterday to seal one of the greatest days in the history of my life. Sorry, wedding day, you’re moving down the list! If you wanna bask in my glory: here’s the Michael Wacha sleeper you ignored, the Blake Snell sleeper you missed and the Eddie Rosario sleeper you didn’t believe. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, a grand slam, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Finally, we have an answer for when Ozuna set his alarm clock — June 2nd.
Brian Dozier – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .246. Until we see different, I am assuming however many homers Dozier hits in the 1st half will be his total homers on the year plus 25.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer, hitting .246. “Encarnacion was a popular fantasy baseball draft pick and he still is, I get more props and stunts than Dontrelle Willis.” That’s lyrics from Edwyck.
Michael Brantley – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .323. Surprised he doesn’t go by Mi-Bra. “Wow, Mi-Bra just laced another one! Rounding 2nd, ooh, stay in your lane, Brantley…Yes, Mi-Bra is safely secured on 2nd! A beautiful two bagger!”
Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.33. For one day in early June 2018, F-Her turned back the clock like Cher in a mesh bodysuit. The Stream-o-Nator also liked this start.
Brandon Belt – Hit the DL after having his appendix removed. Sounds like there’s gonna be a new notch on Belt.
Andrew Suarez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.74. In away games, he has a 6.38 ERA. In home games, he has a 3.55 ERA. Suarez is a rice-ja-broni treat!
Dereck Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.93, as he replaces Samardzija in the rotation. Dereck has the pedigree of major league baseball lineage. Or I should say pudgigree; he’s Ivan Rodriguez’s kid. He throws 93-95 MPH, and is finding more success in the majors than he ever did in Double-A, which is not a good sign. Maybe he visited Juan Gonzalez’s son, Balco.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .248. The entire Giants offense looks like it needs a late afternoon nap.
Buster Posey – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .303. Whew, what would your 8th place team be doing without Posey?
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.66. The Regression Fairies appreciate Lena Dunham, they call their guy friends “sistah,” and they will destroy your ratios.
Vince Velasquez – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Now has six straight starts when he’s given up three runs or less. So, you just know if you pick him up, he’s going to randomly give up 5+ runs in his next start. Yet, if you don’t pick him up, he will continue to pitch well. What does he have against you? Not sure, maybe you try couples counseling.
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 1.49. Imagine how well he’d pitch if he could locate his elbow. Here’s the Mets trainers, “You’re getting warm…you’re getting warm…Oh, now you’re getting cold.” Mets pitcher, “Will you just put the Icy/Hot on and stop playing around!”
Todd Frazier – Expected back on Tuesday. This is great news for Mets fans. Not because Frazier is anything terrific, but it gets Guillorme out of their lineup, since he keeps causing Mets fans to have flashbacks to having a Benson on their roster.
Yoenis Cespedes – Will get live at-bats on Tuesday. Bummer for all you Dead fans.
Steven Matz – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.42. Not a terrible first two months, but there’s some regression lurking behind the scenes. Interestingly enough (depending on your definition of interesting), he’s throwing his change a lot more and cut down on his curve. This has caused him to lose some command (2.6 career BB/9 vs. 3.9), and his xFIP is high for him (4.34). What does all this mean in the big picture? He’s ownable, but not startable for all matchups. Or Matzups, if you enjoy portmanteaus.
Mike Montgomery – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Real question: why would the Cubs put Darvish back in the rotation when they have Montgomery pitching this well?
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.44. If you were to have asked any Saberhagenmetrician prior to this season, they would’ve told you a great season was coming. Having a hard time finding a Saberhagenmetrician? They’re the ones with a diploma from the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston and, instead of Duck, Duck Goose, they play Duck, Goose, Duck, Goose.
Cody Bellinger – Dave Roberts said they’re not yet thinking about demoting Bellinger. For fear of painting myself in a logic corner, you can’t say you’re not thinking about something without thinking about it. Roberts also said, “You can see it’s been tough sledding for him for the first two months of the season.” Assuming he means it’s been a tough go at it, and not Urban Dictionary’s ‘tough sledding’ definition which means the inappropriate use of a toboggan.
Max Muncy – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .243. What’s that, Muncy’s hitting more homers in the majors than the minors? *shrugs* Yup, no idea! Maybe he’s a Baha Man, and Muncy’s letting the dogs out.
Dylan Covey – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.82. Don’t usually look at sabermetrics when it comes to teams, but Covey’s ERA got my curious about the White Sox’s xFIP. Whoa! Stop hitting on Jack McDowell, you’ve already busted! They have a 5.12 xFIP. Holy Castle Woofenstein that’s awful. Covey himself isn’t quite that terrible, but he gets Fenway next, so, you can keep the Ks, and thans but no thans.
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.24. Some day Verlander’s gotta teach Jon and Sonny Gray, The Gray Bros., how to allow runs and not have your ERA go up.
Charlie Morton – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.84. If you were in a close H2H matchup last week and that was your last start, Morton was rubbing salt in your wound.
Dustin Pedroia – Returned to the DL with knee inflammation. While not great for a guy who had his knee surgically repaired, the doctors who operated said, “It’s good news he doesn’t have ankle or hip problems, because there’s only about three inches between each part of his leg and our tiny scalpel can only be so precise.”
Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games, and hitting near-.400 since taking over the lead-off slot for a DL’d Betts, and are we sure the Red Sox lead-off slot isn’t somehow infected with some sort of magic pixie dust, and infected is prolly not the right word, and this is a run-on, bye-bye.
Mitch Moreland – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .305. In one league, I didn’t want to drop Moreland, but I did to hold onto Eugenio, who also homered yesterday. Thank you for allowing me to vent about real tough decisions happening in my life. Cougs doesn’t understand. I tell her about Moreland and she thinks I’m talking about the real estate search she’s doing for both of us. “I’d love for you to see this house I saw today, but you have to do your ‘blog.'” Don’t put finger quotes around Razzball, woman!
David Price – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.08. If the Price were right and neutral on luck and playing Cliffhangers, the yodeling man would hear a 4.08 ERA and get right to the edge of the cliff before falling off.
Marco Gonzales – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. He was in Friday’s Buy, and I believe that was two Buys in a row he’s appeared in. Only seven more Buys in a row to equal the record held by Ty Wigginton. A record many say will never be matched like Joe DiMaggio’s hit streak or the number of trips taken to the supermarket in one day by the world’s fattest man’s nurse — both 56.
Chris Archer – Questionable for next start, after his groin tightened. At least someone is finding excitement from his pitching this year.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, in his third game back, hitting .120. Maybe he got his terrible two months out of the way and now it’s onto better things. You’ll have to excuse me for not going to a 24-hour fireworks store in Indiana and lighting an aisle on fire in excitement, but the Jays just refuse to call up Vlad Jr. and now their whole organization is annoying me.
Leonys Martin – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .257, two homers in the last five games, and a hit in each of those games. My favorite Martin could be a risin’ schmotato.
Anthony DeSclafani – Will start Tuesday. He had a 22/3 K/BB in his rehab games and wasn’t awful the last time he was in the majors (3.26 ERA in 2016). Not a terrible gamble, if injuries are truly ass him. Oops, I shouldn’t have used the thesaurus for ‘behind.’
Matt Harvey – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.79. This start came in Petco, which means Harvey is a hare better than Bailey. Misspelling for the pun!
Luis Castillo – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.64. So, all the sleepers weren’t great. Guys and five girls, there’s a big blinking sign above Castillo’s head now for six weeks. It reads, “Drop him.”
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .342. He’s not hitting over .340 thru, like, five games. We’re nine weeks in and Scooter is rolling!
Nomar Mazara – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .274. Aw, how cute, he felt left out with all my sleepers having a huge Sunday.
Justin Anderson – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 BBs and the save, ERA at 2.89, after Blake Parker blew a save on Saturday, but Parker had worked the previous two days and–Oh, who are we kidding, I have no idea what The Sciosciapath is doing. He doesn’t know!
Daniel Murphy – Still a long way from returning, as he has looked gimpy in rehab. Sounds like he’s taken the hidden ball gag too far.
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.27. The Marla Gibbs line! Gio’s the anti-sexy, but so reliable. Gio’s like a Gio! Only reliable. By the by, I Googled ‘Gio cars’ and there was a Gio mechanic in my neighbor that had one out of five stars. Maybe, I don’t know, the mechanic isn’t the problem when you have a Gio.
Jeremy Hellickson – Left after four pitches with an injury. Or Brian Kenny started managing the Nats.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.16. Don’t fall for it. It’s a booby trap, pronounced like the little kid in The Goonies.
Dansby Swanson – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Sticking with the newly established little kids in movies theme, Dansby? Whoever heard of a Dansby? Of course, Dansby has been less of a snozzberry of late.
Masahiro Tanaka – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners 7 Ks, ERA at 4.79 vs. Kevin Gausman – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.63. This matchup was billed as the, “Anti-Gio’s, which is not related to Papa John’s, but they could also give you indigestion.”
Trevor Cahill – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.77. The A’s pitchers are causing a lot of consternation this year, right? (I don’t know what consternation means either, so just agree with me.) Cahill’s peripherals are still too good to drop, and the Stream-o-Nator loves his next start.
Dustin Fowler – 3-for-4, 1 run and a steal. He also homered twice on Friday. And they said The Dusty Chicken Dance is only for bar mitzvahs where the DJ had to cancel after accidentally swallowing a glowstick.
Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, and four homers in the last four games. To mix religious metaphors, Rhysus crossed us, sacrificing himself, but, holy cow, Allahson is feasting on some Meccaburgers! Good thing he brought his Muhammitt to the park. I think I just brought a fatwa on myself.
