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“You want me to list the eczema medication’s ingredients? Can I ask you why?” “JUST LIST THEM.” “Okay, take it easy. Propylene glycol, paraffin wax, pinetaroleum–” “PINETAROLEUM IS NOT ALLOWED. IT INDUCES A HIGHER SPIN RATE.” That is part of a recurring dream Trevor Bauer has where he’s dressed as a TSA agent, while standing on the side of the Astros pitcher’s mound. The dream always ends the same way. Someone asks Trevor Bauer how does he account for Joe Musgrove being better after leaving the Astros and Bauer wakes in a sweat, screaming, “GERRIT COLE STOLE MY COLLEGE GIRLFRIEND!” Joe Musgrove’s velocity is up, he’s throwing a cutter 15% of the time more and abandoned his curve altogether. This has upped his ground balls (not literally) and made him a usable pitcher for all leagues, and around a 3.60 ERA pitcher. Of course, he’s not a sub-1.00 ERA pitcher, as he is right now, but still ownable everywhere. Though, I guess he could be a 1.00-ERA pitcher if his eczema medication has pinetaroleum. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Max Stassi – If Max Stassi doesn’t wear a monocle and work as an evil dentist as his side gig, I’m misreading him.
John Ryan Murphy – Usually don’t give you two catchers, but it was add this guy or leave John Ryan Murphy off and risk an assassination attempt. “John Ryan Murphy is performing at Ford’s Theater? That sounds like it could be good.”
Max Muncy – You know what all of these Max’s mean? Guys are now baseball-aged that were born after it became fashionable to name every baby boy after an old man. “Hey, Amos, where are you going?” “Out with my friends Moses, Solomon, Abraham and Bernard.” You going out with a bunch of grandpas or four babies?! Give me a clue with your name!
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – Has been hitting in the two-hole and, yes, that’s a sad commentary on the Rangers, but Kiner-Falefa’s not a total PITA.
Josh Harrison – Really didn’t even want to mention him, but he’s just under 50% owned, and you could do worse. What’s Odor done recently? That’s prolly worse. Nine out of ten times that you say Odor is doing worse, you’re correct.
Jeimer Candelario – Lot of guys this week who have great lineup spots, because of a lack of options from their team. Hey, I want world peace, but I wanna watch Wold Star. I wanna be a feminist, but I’m still watching porno. I should be reading a book, but I keep watching TV. I want a three hole hitter, and all I got was Jeimer.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – C’mon, Jays, make my weekend.
Miguel Andujar – Out of all the guys on this list, I was most surprised to see Andujar available in more than 50% of leagues. I guess if Clara Bell owns 10,000 ESPN leagues to fill his virtual trophy case, and doesn’t own Andujar, it would skew his ownership numbers.
Johan Camargo – Now you can grab Camargo, Matt Adams and rename your fantasy team, “Fried Chicken & Camargo Adams!”
Yairo Munoz – I think Muñoz stole Acuña’s tilde power this week. He’s hitting umlaut!
Amed Rosario – On our 7-day Player Rater (yes, we have one of those too), Rosario has been worth about $17 in the last week.
Brandon Nimmo – A lot of the blurbs in the Buy column are light on info, because I’ve been going over all these guys all week. Nimmo is the epitome of that, mentioning him about ten days in a row. Put your little burp machine on your lap, bounce it up and down and search the site, telling your baby, “C’mon, we’re finding Nimmo,” so your wife overhears and thinks you’re being a good father.
Mac Williamson – If I were Williamson (or really any hitter), I’d walk to the plate calling my shot, a home run over the right field fence. Eventually you have to be right. Like Babe Ruth didn’t do this. Since games weren’t televised, no one realized he did that shizz every game.
Robert Gsellman – Still seems like Familia is the closer, but is Callaway sane? The Jeurys is out, so here’s a Gbuyman.
Kyle Barraclough – Mattingly seems to finally figured out Barraclough is better than Ziegler. Not sure if it’s because he fell asleep on a Barcalounger and was like, “Hey, that reminds me,” but it would not surprise me.
Ryan Tepera – You know who’s closing for the Jays? Cool, could you tell the Jays, because they have no idea.
Seranthony Dominguez – Gabe Kapler is so hepped up on goofballs and Red Bulls — Goof Bulls? — he literally changes the closer once a week, and by Sunday Neris always seems to be the closer again.
Marco Gonzales – Has made a case to just be owned, but this is a Stream-o-Nator call, like the call it makes to Sears and asks that the phone be placed by the toaster ovens so it can talk.
Nick Tropeano – Yet another Stream-o-Nator call. “Do you have a broil function? That’s nice. Sigh.” Stream-o-Nator is sad!
SELL
Dee Gordon – These fast guys fracturing their toes and coming back in, like, 16 hours has me shook. Maybe Gordon isn’t Byron Buxton, but when you’re growing new toes quicker than grass grows on my Bette Midler Chia pet, I’m concerned. There’s a problem with selling Gordon, of course. On a lot of teams, he was your source of steals, so that makes it harder to sell him. On our Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell tool, he’s been about as valuable as you can expect, but that was with ten working foot-fingers. I’d go on the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer to see what kind of offers you can make, though I wouldn’t sell him for a free haircut from Kim Jong-un’s barber.
