Yesterday, Trevor Bauer continued to keep the drool moist on his owners’ chins — 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.30.  The other day some ‘perts listed their biggest surprises of the 2nd half, and one (maybe more) talked about how surprised they were about Bauer.  Yeah, shocker.  *insanely long pause, staring straight ahead*  Really, really surprised.  *just a dead-eyed stare, slowly picks up Capri Sun, sips real slow on tiny straw, lets out long burp*  Yup, no one saw that coming.  Yesterday, it was too bad, Cody Allen had an epic Kazaam — 2/3 IP, 6 ER, moving his ERA up to 4.66.  I’m just going to sit down for a second.  Aw geez, it hurts to sit.  I’m going to lie on my stomach.  Make the pain go away.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Lonnie Chisenhall – Will miss eight to ten weeks with a Grade 3 strain of his calf.  That’s a calf strain that knows its multiplication tables and stops wee-wee’ing its pants.

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .296.  Mean’s while, Jose Ramirez (2-for-4, hitting .290) hit his 25th homer.  Guys and five girl readers, what these guys are doing is crazy.  Words don’t do them justice.  niudbi21!791A biuac891 %19)>.  Seriously.

Enyel De Los Santos – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, as he was called up.  Enyel is a favorite of mine because I randomly own him in Tout Wars after Prospector Ralph told me to pick him up, and I did for $4 in a $1000 FAAB league.  So hat tip to Ralph and hat tip to myself for listening to Ralph.  Though, I don’t wear hats so I’m being a real phony.  With all that said (adding on, not subtracting), I watched him and he looked solid if unremarkable.  Threw across his body, which made him wild to righties.  Lacked control in the zone at times too.  Felt like a mid-rotation-type arm if everything goes right.  The Phils should keep him in the rotation, but I have no idea if they do, and in mixed leagues he’s more of a streamer.  The preceding was from my journal, Grey’s Almanac.

Maikel Franco – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer.  You can try to find another hitter as hot as Maikel, but you’re gonna struggle.  You can try to find another hitter that looks like he is Odubel Herrera’s brother, but why bother?  You can try to find another hitter who will go cold likely over the All-Star break, but why are you even looking for that?  Questions to hmm over.

Nick Williams – 3-for-5, 2 RBI, hitting around 4,000 in the last week and I’m telling anyone who will listen to grab him.  I said it on the podcast, I said it in yesterday’s post.  I said it while drinking juice, I said talking like Dr. Seuss.

Odubel Herrera – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th homer, hitting .278.  Damn, it’s already time for ODB to get hot like Mariah again?

Noah Syndergaard – Will return on Friday.  The Mets want to trade Syndergaard, so, I guess, this could bolster his trade appeal if he looks sharp back in the majors.  How do we think this will actually turn out for the Ehmazin’ Mets?  Cloudy with a chance of crapballs.

Drew Gagnon – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER in his major league debut.  Fun fact!  Gagnon’s favorite vegetable is cauliflower ears.

Amed Rosario – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI with two triples because he cares about youse in TB leagues (Total Bases, not Tuberculosis).  Please, hashtag never forget that Callaway benched Rosario for a week to play Jose Reyes.

Manny Machado – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer.  Everyone has one uncle who divorced their wife and end up marrying one of the wife’s friends.  Yesterday’s game was Machado laughing at the Yankees’ dad jokes, saying he would be open to divorcing the Orioles and going with a division rival.

Masahiro Tanaka – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.68, as he was activated from the DL.  Happy to see him activated; the gastric acid in my ulcer wasn’t feeling acidy enough.  Tanaka is a giant douche because he corrects my PH balance!

Greg Bird – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Bird’s helping the Yankees trade for Machado too, because I’m sure the Yankees would love to send him to the O’s.  “Yeah, he’s great, just go down a little ways, and there’s beautiful Greg Birds, take as many as you want,” as Jimmy Conway waves the Orioles towards an alleyway.

Avisail Garcia – Hit the DL with a bad case of the Avisails.  Don’t do PEDs, kids.  Not saying Avisail did PEDs, but I’m giving advice to avoid PEDs in a blurb for Avisail, which is wholly coincidental if Avisail’s attorney is reading.

Miles Mikolas – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.65.  In the preseason, I said I’d draft Mikolas before I would draft Ohtani.  In that surprises’ article I mentioned in the Bauer lede, people mentioned Mikolas as a huge surprise too.  *another long pull on the Capri Sun straw*

Kolten Wong – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and hitting near-.500 in the last week.  Hot schmotato alert!

Dexter Fowler – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs hit his 6th homer.  The Cardinals’d depth has killed Dexter this year.  Turnabout is fair play, I suppose.

Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.96.  Was a pretty easy matchup — sorry, Giants, but you are.  Hadn’t looked at Quintana’s peripherals in a while.  The long and short of it, he’s just not a #2 anymore.  Nothing to do with luck, he’s a 4-ish ERA pitcher now.

Rich Hill – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.64.  It was the Padres.  Dude, get a blister and get out of here.

Eric Lauer – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.40.  Hodgepadre!

Wil Myers – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 45th homer this week.  Wow, Myers is on some kind of crazy run here.  Serpentine!  Serpentine!  Serpentine!  More crazy runs!

Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd in as many games.  He’s thanking all those Russian bots who voted him into the All-Star Game.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – Expected to be moved up to Triple-A.   Considering he’s hitting over .400 and about to buy Ted Williams’ frozen head at a Sotheby’s auction, yeah, makes sense.

Josh Donaldson – Resumes baseball activities.  For Donaldson, I’m not sure if this is a positive or negative.

Marcus Stroman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.90.  In AL-Only leagues, you do what you have to do, but I can’t see me recommending Stroman ever in a mixed league this year, no matter the matchup or what Stream-o-Nator says.

Justin Smoak – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .241.  As I go over my top 100 for the 2nd half that’s coming next week, I’ve toyed with Smoak being included, and, if he hits five homers between now and Sunday, he might still make it, i.e., Justin.

Adalberto Mondesi – 2-for-4, RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (5).  I saw the Royals scored runs yesterday and, before looking at the box score, I made a bet with myself trying to guess who knocked in those runs.  I chose Lucas Duda, and lost the bet, so I had to go streaking around my house.

Brian Dozier – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer.  I keep saying he’s a buy low before we get into his 2nd half dolla, dolla bill time.  Can only lead a horse to water, can’t make the horse appreciate going back to the same place its been before and finding new things to like, besides the water.

Travis Shaw – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (16) and legs (1), hitting .242.  The steal is a pleasant surprise but whatevs on that; it’s the home run I’m interested in.  I legit want his wrist to be okay, I just don’t know if it is, Orf course.

Christian Yelich – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, hitting .292.  Today it was Christian, yesterday Jesus.  Good baseball players, but terrible He-Brewers.

Rougned Odor – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .286 in July (cherrypicking!), and has four homers since June 26th (hey, if I’m renting the stupid cherrypicker, I’m gonna use it) with four steals since June 25th (grab up dem favorable stats)!

Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .298.  This is just for Benintendi owners the rest of you can continue on.  He’s doing so well, isn’t he?  *high fives all around* Isn’t it surprising to you he’s not hitting .300?  Feels like he’s had multiple hits every day for the last two months.  Was cool talking to you maybe we can connect via AIM.  Hello?  Hey, where you going?  We’re BFFs!  Come back!

Felix Hernandez – Hit the DL with back soreness.  Must be sore from lugging around that 5.13 ERA.

Mitch Haniger – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer.  He’s big time feast or famine, huh?  His April — 9 HRs, .286; his May — 1 HR, .233; June — 6 HRs; July was a .188 average with zero homers before yesterday.  Taking Saberhagenmetrics to a new level.

Garrett Richards – 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.66.  I swear, I didn’t Google news on him, so I have no idea why he was lifted, but can I guess an injury?  I’m right, aren’t I?  Just nod if I’m right.  Kidding, I can’t see you, you goof.

Kole Calhoun – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer as he hit leadoff again after a week-long detour in the nine hole.  The Sciosciapath is mad, and if you fold a lineup card together like a Mad Magazine cover, the nine hole and the leadoff spot are the same spot.

Alex Bregman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homers.  Hey, Bregman, this is all cool and all, but could you give George Springer back his mojo?  Doode’s wandering around like a limp noodle laying on a water bed.

Hector Rondon – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save after he had to enter the game, cleaning up Ken Giles’ mess (0 IP, 3 ER).  Why do the Astros keep trying to bother with Giles?  His only punch outs are of his own head.

Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer, and 4th homer in as many games.  I don’t know why you’re not picking him up and Piscotty doesn’t know either.

Tyler Anderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 3.76.  As I said on yesterday’s podcast between um’s and uh’s, I’m done with Rockies starters.  The upside is not worth the downside.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 23rd homer.  In my attic, I found the actual feather the real-life nephew of Uncle Sam put in his cap and pronounced it ‘macaroni.’  I’m just going to carelessly leave it by this open window–NOOOO!!!  Torenado!!!

Joe Musgrove – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.77, as he was activated from the DL.  Perfect guy for the Pirates to get back as we head into trading season, because everything Musgrove!  As for him specifically, his peripherals are solid, but if his health isn’t 100%, I wouldn’t trust him in every matchup, but could see owning him.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.47.  Would be overstating matters if I said I was picking him up, I’ll go into cyclops with a monocle mode for now.

Bryce Harper – 0-for-5, 4 Ks, hitting .215.  According to Tom Verducci, Bryce is so far inside his head right now with this slump he’s trying old Little League exercises to break him out of the slump.  Like crying when he strikes out, calling his manager a ‘jerk’ then pointing to a teammate indicating they said ‘jerk,’ and sticking a pretzel out of his fly so it looks like he has a pretzel penis.

Anthony Rendon – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Rendon would just like to clear up that he did not call anyone a jerk.

Sean Doolittle – Hit the DL.  I was gonna say this with Avisail, but I felt like dragging his name through the mud instead.  Guys hit the DL in the week leading up to the All-Star break as a way to sneak in an extra few days of rest.  This seems like the case with Doolittle.  He’ll get this week and next week.   It’s like having multiple colonoscopy bags hooked to your belt and going to a buffet.  Sneaky, but totally legal.  Kelvin Herrera would appear to be the clearcut favorite to fill-in.