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Engine revs. It’s the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile. Only instead of a Oscar Mayer hat on its front hood, it’s wearing a Padres cap. It’s staring down a lonely country road. Directly, a mile down, aimed right at it is the Dodgers’ team bus. The Dodgers’ team bus revs.

A half mile in front of each of them, at the midpoint is “1st place in the NL West.” What we have here is a game a chicken. Who will get there first? Behind the Dodgers’ team bus wheel is Magic Johnson. Behind the Padres’ pimped-out Weinermobile is the San Diego Chicken. “You’re going mano a chicken? With the Chicken?! This is not a game you want to play, Magic?” That’s the actor who played Magic in the Showtime series on HBO shouting at Magic. “A Showtime series on HBO? Are you talking riddles, Albright?!” That’s the voice inside my head. Back to the white hot asphalt! The San Diego Chicken guns it towards the Dodgers’ team bus! Magic slams down the gas!

Careening down the road, the Chicken bawks, “They need to lose some extra weight!” To get up to speed, the Padres throw out MacKenzie Gore, C.J. Abrams, Robert Hassell III, James Wood and Jarlin Susana. For Magic to get the Dodgers to increase speed, he throws out an anecdote about him hugging Isiah Thomas at half court. “You need more speed, Magic!” The actor who played Magic in the Showtime HBO series screams. Magic says, “Have you heard about the one of me and Clyde the Glide?” It’s not enough! The San Diego Chicken is the type that drives right towards a big trade and waits for the other team to swerve. It ain’t afraid — it accepts that Gore is sometimes necessary.

So, Juan Soto goes to the Padres. They have Manny Machado, Fernando Tatis Jr. and Sexy Dr. Pepper? Um…

Seriously…

Like seriously seriously…

Fun the Jewels, Macho Manny and Sexy Dr. Pepper. Guys and five lady readers, I am doing a horny. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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…And then I say, “Shane!”
Shane Shane bo bane, bo-na-na no faux number one! Shane!
And then I say the name McClanahan!
McClahananananana bo-ana! McClahananananana no faux number one! McClanahan!

The superlatives will be lacking when it comes to Shane McClanahan (8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.87, yeah, and you don’t stop). On the Player Rater, he’s the best starter. On the Rest of the Season Player Rater — that’s right, we have a Player Rater that knows the future, Shane’s number three. Even the stats thinks McClanahananananan will be at worst the third best starter the rest of the year. I wrote a sleeper post about him coming into this year. I love, love, lurve him. Yet, I didn’t even think he would be this good, this fast, but me mi mo whoa he’s been good. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Joe Girardi lost his job because he lost too many games. Joe Girardi, a victim of cancel culture. Little did we know Joe Girardi was the butterfly to start Hurricane Stott. Yesterday, Bryson Stott went 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and all three have come in the last week. Could it be connected? Last week, Stott said, “I need some super easy listening music to bust this slump. Maybe some adult contemporary. Something by Rob Thomas.” But what he didn’t realize was, while he was dreamcasting his thoughts, he just accidentally brushed against a genie lamp. Shame that right after, he added, “I wish they put more cheese on my Taco Bowl, and I wish it’s all cheddar and not a mix.” Pleasantly surprised by his lunch, but not the best use of wishes. There was a reason why he was one of the hottest pickups the first week of the season. Hitting 9th stinks, but if he can keep hitting, he makes the most sense at leadoff, and he has power and speed. Hopefully, he can continue it, even out of wishes. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)

C’mon. What are we doing here, fellas and five girl readers? Corey Dickerson and Paul DeJong are blocking Nolan Gorman from being called up? Is this serious? Co-Dick and Colonel Mustard sounds like cojoined twins playing Clue with two candlesticks, so to speak. They’re not blocking Nolan Gorman, right? Because that’s what I was hearing, but my ears and I stopped speaking when I questioned them about this information. “Stop looking away and answer me! Is that what you’re hearing?!” That’s me interrogating my ears. My ears got real silent after that. Nolan Gorman who has 40-homer power right now? That Nolan Gorman? Is it Golan Norman still in the minors and Nolan Gorman was already called up? Is that what happened, and I didn’t hear it because of the falling out I had with my ears? Someone explain what we’re doing here. Here, not hear. I can’t do that without my ears! On Prospect Itch’s Prospect Stash List, he put some shine on Gorman.

Here’s what Itch said previously, “The fair-haired boy in this system since his noisy draft season, Nolan Gorman breathed some spice into his dynasty stock by sliding over to second base and popping 25 home runs in 125 games across two levels, slashing .279/.333/.481 by reducing his strikeout rate early and adding power later in the year as the K-rate kept dropping all the way down to 19.2 percent after a 31.7% rate back in 2019 at High-A. I’d also like to cut Grey.” What the heck, dude? This year Gorman has 10 HRs as he hits near-.350 in Triple-A in 66 at-bats. Again, I am asking you what are we doing here. He should’ve been called up already. Don’t let the double candlesticks on the Clue board prospblock him. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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The Sum of All Fears with rookie pitchers is they will do things to you that you never want done. Things Alec Baldwin, Harrison Ford, Ben Affleck and Jim from The Office would try to stop by running and screaming through a Washington landmark, while diving for a helicopter that is lifting off. In the Ryanverse, Joe Jack Ryan and Joe Exotic should never interact, but here they are. Spies are taking shortcuts trying to get Tigers into the country from Bengal to sell them to finance a far-off arms deal with a rebel army in Latin America that is illegally trying to take down a corrupt government. Joe Jack Ryan is exactly who you want because of his command of the strike zone, and what it means to be an American. “Sell those tigers if the price is right. We’re running tigers for arms,” a corrupt CIA agent says to an actor that looks like a Latin Phil Hartman. But what they don’t know is Joe Jack Ryan is actually hiding inside of one of the Tigers, having taken them down himself in Minnesota. Any hoo! Joe Ryan went 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.17, as he does exactly what I was hoping when I told you in the preseason, “In the big picture/pitcher, he’s about the command, and it’s as beautiful as advertised. The zone% on his pitches would’ve been 45.9%, or 5th in the league if he qualified (in 2021). Obviously, he didn’t qualify because he only was in the league for 26 2/3 IP. By the way, in those MLB innings, he had 10.1 K/9, 1.7 BB/9, 0.79 WHIP (!!!), and a 3.43 FIP. Bit too in the Zone% because he gave up a few homers, but those numbers are ace-like. I wouldn’t expect better peripherals from Shane Bieber as far as K/9 and BB/9. 10+ and 1+ absolutely works. And by “works,” I mean it f*cks. Rookie pitchers are the devil incarnate with their blowups, but Joe Ryan has the makings of a ‘safe’ rookie starter, due to his command.” And that’s me quoting me! Hopefully, Joe Jack Ryan is wearing a giant bird suit next week when he takes down the Orioles. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Above Yankee Stadium last night was a transparent cherub, sitting on the clouds — rosy cheeks, belly full of gabagool, Italian flag wife beater shirt. It was the one and only American actor, James Gandolfini, and next to him was the American actress, Nancy Marchand, who famously played his mother. Together, they smiled down on the Italian stallions, Joey Gallo, who went 1-for-4, and his 1st homer; Aaron Judge, whose name ends in a vowel, went 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and Anthony Rizzo who went 3-for-4, 4 runs, 6 RBIs, 6th, 7th, and 8th homers, because last night the Yankees went ayo whaddya know bada bing bada boom. Though, Rizzo went bada bing bada boom bada bing bada boom bada bing bada boom. The three bada bing bada booms were previously reserved for guys from Staten Island and celebrated on special occasions like a baptism or when someone buys a Corvette. So far, Anthony Rizzo’s year couldn’t be coming at a better place for a true Zombino. The short porch was made for him. First, the Yankees Letter, then Anthony Rizzo’s 3-homer night. Not since Babe Ruth homered the night he torched his house with his lovely wife inside, have the Yankees had such a roller coaster day. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Raimel Tapia was traded to the Jays. Yay! Tapia gets out from under Bud Black! You will never thwart us again, Bud Black! Shakes fist towards the Colorado Rockies, the geographical location, not the team in Arizona. Though, the difference between Arizona and Colorado is hard to tell with the shake of a fist. Your tyranny of platoons will never stop me and Tapia again! Eat a dee, Bud Black! *opens Jays’ lineup* Uh…Hmm. Raimel Tapia is now buried in a stacked lineup and might platoon from the nine hole. Yo, Tapia, have you ever considered eating a live chicken to rid yourself of the curse of “not playing every day?” He was lowered in the top 100 outfielders. Going the other way, and the real winner here: Randal Grichuk. I know Grichuk is morally opposed to bat flips, but he might want to bat flip this trade. He’s suddenly in position to have a career year, and play everyday DH. Grichuk is exactly the type of player Bud Black will give 600 ABs, if he can. Old and boring. The ultimate Prospblockie. C.J. Cron and Grichuk walking around that lineup like Nicky Fairbanks walking the streets in Alaska. Grichuk was upped by a lot in the top 100 outfielders, and is now a 5th outfielder target in shallower leagues. Incredibly, on our auction values Randal Grichuk has moved to the 39th best outfielder, and right by Jesse Winker. This offseason, their collective fortunes have 180’d toward each other, and Winker appropriately was 1st one to blink. The ol’ Blink-180. What’s my age again? Also, the top 500 for 2022 fantasy baseball was updated. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this preseason for 2022 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Fernando Tatis Jr. fractured his wrist and I want to die. Just curl into a ball and bawl. MLB lockout was the butterfly’s wings and Tatis’s wrist is the earthquake in Indonesia. Hope you’re happy Rob Manfred! Fernando Tatis Jr. likely hurt himself on his motorcycle, and it was months ago. Sure, he should’ve been checked out by a doctor for the last three months for the wrist injury, but he just dusted himself off and said, “Oopsie.” If Tatis wasn’t so damn resilient, maybe he would’ve went to the doctor. Stupid, resilient, regenerative Fun The Jewels! If it wasn’t for the lockout, the Padres would’ve insisted Tatis went to see their team doctors, and his wrist would’ve been diagnosed sooner. See, this really is Rob Manfred’s fault! *goes to the beach, digs giant hole, lies down into sand grave, slowly pulls sand down on top of head* I don’t want to go on. Please, let me be. *sobs loudly*

So, Rudy updated Fernando Tatis Jr. with a 75-game dock, and he’s now at 155 overall on his 12-team auction values. I’m down to 103 overall. From the number one spot to 103 overall; I really feel like I’m going to vomit. *drives to Ralph’s supermarket then ralphs* I like to be meta, when possible. What’s kinda funny, in a painful way that isn’t funny at all, I did my adjustments to Tatis without knowing what Rudy was doing, and I have him ranked right next to Kyle Schwarber, as Rudy does, in my top 500 for 2022 fantasy baseball. Of course, I have Schwarber and Tatis higher than Rudy, barely. Also, Rudy has Tatis at 289 ABs (58/23/56/.282/13) and I have him down for 51/17/45/.287/15 in 303 ABs, and we both did our new projections without bouncing them off each other, so we’re both pretty close, which is reassuring in a very sad way. I’m a bit worried about the wrist coming all the way back immediately, but like the idea of his upside when he returns, so I ranked him a bit higher than his stats might warrant. I updated my top 10 for 2022 fantasy baseball; my top 100 for 2022 fantasy baseball and the top 20 shortstops for 2022 fantasy baseball. This all somehow sucks and simultaneously blows. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this preseason for 2022 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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We’ve done it! We’ve reached the end of the fantasy baseball hitter rankings for 2022 fantasy baseball rankings. Give yourself a big round of applause. I’d clap for you, but I have carpal tunnel from actually ranking all the hitters and writing all their blurbs and calculating all of their projections and– What exactly did you do? Oh, yeah, you read them. No wonder why your hands can still clap. Here’s Steamer’s 2022 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Hitters and 2022 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Pitchers. Subscriptions are up and running, and you can already get Rudy’s Draft War Room. Anyway, here’s the top 100 outfielders for 2022 fantasy baseball:

NOTE: All 2022 fantasy baseball projections are based on a 162-game season, and will be until we hear definitively there will be less games, due to the CBA. Also, I’m going on the assumption the NL is getting the DH.

NOTE II: All my rankings are currently available on Patreon for the price of a Starbucks coffee, if you get one of those extra grande frappuccino jobbers. Don’t wait for the rankings to come out over the next month, and get them all now.

NOTE III: Free agents are listed as just that and not yet projected. Once a guy signs, I will write out their blurb and add in projections, or remove them, if they sign in an unfavorable place. They are ranked currently where I think they might be if they sign on for a full-time job.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The fantasy baseball season is winding down, and if you are like me, you are constantly looking at your phone and the live scoring. Did Jose Altuve collect that much-needed RBI? Did Ozzie Albies swipe a bag that you have to have in order to overtake your opponent in steals. These next few days and weeks are going to be nerve wracking.

Making things even worse is if you have a player go on the IL or your second baseman is currently mired in a slump. The top players aren’t just sitting there on the waiver wire to be added, so adding the right free agent could be the difference between winning the title and being the best of the losers.

Before we talk about who some of those key free agents may be, let’s look at the rankings, taking into account that they mostly reflect what they have done for the entire season. But I’ll also touch on the players outside the rankings that should be watched or added in the next few days.

Please, blog, may I have some more?