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Engine revs. It’s the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile. Only instead of a Oscar Mayer hat on its front hood, it’s wearing a Padres cap. It’s staring down a lonely country road. Directly, a mile down, aimed right at it is the Dodgers’ team bus. The Dodgers’ team bus revs.

A half mile in front of each of them, at the midpoint is “1st place in the NL West.” What we have here is a game a chicken. Who will get there first? Behind the Dodgers’ team bus wheel is Magic Johnson. Behind the Padres’ pimped-out Weinermobile is the San Diego Chicken. “You’re going mano a chicken? With the Chicken?! This is not a game you want to play, Magic?” That’s the actor who played Magic in the Showtime series on HBO shouting at Magic. “A Showtime series on HBO? Are you talking riddles, Albright?!” That’s the voice inside my head. Back to the white hot asphalt! The San Diego Chicken guns it towards the Dodgers’ team bus! Magic slams down the gas!

Careening down the road, the Chicken bawks, “They need to lose some extra weight!” To get up to speed, the Padres throw out Luke Voit, MacKenzie Gore, C.J. Abrams, Robert Hassell III, James Wood and Jarlin Susana. For Magic to get the Dodgers to increase speed, he throws out an anecdote about him hugging Isiah Thomas at half court. “You need more speed, Magic!” The actor who played Magic in the Showtime HBO series screams. Magic says, “Have you heard about the one of me and Clyde the Glide?” It’s not enough! The San Diego Chicken is the type that drives right towards a big trade and waits for the other team to swerve. It ain’t afraid — it accepts that Gore is sometimes necessary.

So, Juan Soto goes to the Padres. They have Manny Machado, Fernando Tatis Jr. and Sexy Dr. Pepper? Um…


Like seriously seriously…

Fun the Jewels, Macho Manny and Sexy Dr. Pepper. Guys and five lady readers, I am doing a horny. Oh, and I haven’t even mentioned Josh Bell yet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Bell – Traded to the Padres. Should take over for Wil Myers at 1st base, but will likely take over DH duties with the recently-exiting Luke Voit. See what I did there? A little dig at Myers as I moved onto Voit. I’m a parasol with how I throw shade! Bell’s become one of the few hitters this year who’s become better for average. He lowered his Ks, and is making incredibly solid contact. His swinging strike percentage went from 10.5% to 8.3% and it’s like that all across his zone metrics. He won’t suddenly start hitting for power in San Diego, but this is a solid landing spot for him in a much better lineup.

Brandon Drury – Traded to the Padres. Adding Juan Soto, Josh Bell and Josh Hader made it seem like the Padres were drunk with power. Now Drury, and it sounds like they’re just plain old drunk. Up until this move, I thought the Padres were able to work in Profar (7-for-10, 3 runs, 2 RBIs), Myers (1-for-7, 1 run, 1 RBI) and Cronenworth (3-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer), but now I think they might a little squeezed for at-bats. I still like those guys, but, ya know, monocle. Also, Drury loses a great park.

Cam Gallagher – Traded to the Padres. Oh, if they were gonna do this move, then why did they bother with Juan Soto?

Trent Grisham – 3-for-7, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer, and three homers in as many games. Aw, how cute! Someone’s trying to stay relevant. Hot schmotato alert!

Randal Grichuk – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week. Rockies are about to head home too, so that’s good for him. I’m sure all their new trade pieces the Rockies acquired will meet them there.

Eric Hosmer – Traded to the Red Sox. Padres wanted to trade Hosmer to the Nats, but he invoked his no-trade clause. If only Eric Hosmer was as hard to get out on the field. Then the Red Sox swooped in and thought, “Hey, it’s August, maybe we should have a 1st baseman.” Not a bad thought, guys! If I had any faith in Hosmer being able to hit the ball 300 feet to the Monster, I’d say this helps his average and he might even be able to wrap a few doinks around the Pesky. But, on the other hand, it’s Eric Hosmer.

Rafael Devers – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, as he returned from the IL. Hey, that’s better than a trade! Better than trading for Hosmer, at least.

Kutter Crawford – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Keep sayin’ that Kutter’s the best thing to happen to the Red Sox in the last month, and I’m not talking about Chris Sale with scissors.

Freddy Peralta – Will rejoin the rotation tonight. Nice! Happy to see they weren’t going to try to do shenanigans with Peralta in the pen, i.e., penanigans.

Trevor Rosenthal – Traded to the Brewers. *Farhan pushes Rosenthal away* “What’s the matter, you’ve barely touched your reclamation project?”

Wil Crowe – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.16, as he got his 3rd save, while David Bednar was out with a bad back. Though, I secretly think the Pirates might’ve thought they traded Bednar.

Joey Gallo – Traded to the Dodgers. If you can’t fix Cody Bellinger, you might be able to make him look better by comparison. Dodger Stadium is actually a decent park for power, and Gallo can hit it out of anywhere. I don’t think he suddenly is anything more than an occasional homer, three-strikeout per game guy, though. The guys that are going from the AL to the NL this year are kinda pathetic.

Miguel Vargas – Called up. This is totally getting lost in all this other news, but this would’ve been the lede on a slower day. He was the number one stash on Prospect Itch’s last Stash List (not stache, that would be me or Cease). This might be a sign the Dodgers are moving on from Justin Turner in an everyday capacity. They should, but put shouldas and wouldas in a boat and instead of a yacht, you got a nacht. This year Vargas went 15/12/.291 with a 14.6% strikeout rate in the minors. Oh, yeah, he’s ready.

Jorge Lopez – Traded to the Twins. Wait a minute…J. Lo traded to Minnesota….Days after marrying Ben Affleck…And A. Rod is purchasing the Minnesota Timberwolves…We got a stage five clinger! A. Rod, leave them alone! So, Lopez becomes the de facto closer in Minnesota, but Baldelli likes to mix things up, so maybe Jhoan Duran gets a save here and there, but he was mostly just a big saves tease all year. Thankfully, this pushes Pagan way out of the picture. That devil! In Baltimore, Felix Bautista moves into the lead for saves, and can be an excellent source.

Michael Fulmer – Traded to the Twins. Not sure this resonates much with shallower mixed leagues, but Fulmer’s been having a solid year in middle relief, and is another solid move by the Twins. Twins putting their two heads together for one big one.

Aaron Sanchez – DFA’d by the Twins. Damn, he pitched well on Monday. I think. I still have a massive Covid brain fog, and everything is like I’m in a haunted house with Scooby Doo. Wait until you see me on this week’s podcast on our Youtube channel. I’m high on DayQuil, NightQuil, LunchQuil, lots of Quils.

Tyler Mahle – Traded to the Twins. That’s gonna be the first competition to Chipotle in Minnesota for a T. Mahle. This is an excellent landing spot for Mahle. If we’re judging by who’s had the biggest fantasy value increase, Mahle’s gonna be near the top of that list. Maybe the most value increase. Going from Great American to Hubert H. Homerfreedome is going to do wonders for his HR/9 and the Twins can coach up guys on their command. Mahle’s got a 3.96 xFIP now, I’d put it at 3.50 post-trade.

Matt Manning – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.46, as he was activated from the IL. Wishing him the best, but I wouldn’t even look at the Streamonator for him.

Darin Ruf – Traded to the Mets. The Padres in the last 30 or so hours: Josh Hader, Juan Soto, Josh Bell, Brandon Drury. The Mets: Darin Ruf. Woof, indeed.

Mychal Givens – Traded to the Mets. Givens will work the 8th, and Rowan Wick takeths the Cubs’ saves. Candles up, boys!

Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, as he was activated from the IL. If he can stay healthy in the playoffs with Scherzer, the Mets will still be hard to beat. That “if” is the size of the earth.

C.J. Abrams – Traded to the Nats, and sent down to the minors. I’ll be honest with you, immediate thoughts on trades are always hard for the smaller pieces. I don’t know the Nats’ intentions. I mean, besides losing Anthony Rendon, Juan Soto, Bryce Harper and Max Scherzer in three years. My guess is the Nats will let Abrams stay in the minors until next year, but maybe he’ll get called up in September. For now, you can forget him.

Luke Voit – Traded to the Nats. You really gotta feel bad for the guys going to the Nats, who are leaving San Diego. It’s like prepping for a party, then being told you’re the designated driver for a totally different, much lamer party. Voit was barely 12-team mixed league startable, and this trade doesn’t help him. Juan Soto, who is actually good, had two less RBIs than Voit this year. Granted, higher in the order, but I’m trying to make a point here. Let me do that, will ya?!

Joey Meneses – 1-for-4 and his 1st major league homer. Meneses? It must be his time of the month!

Kyle Finnegan – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.38, as he pitched the 7th inning in a potential save situation, because the Nats might’ve just given up all hope and stopped paying attention.

Lucas Giolito – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.06. He’s managed to master the lowercase yay start.

J.D. Davis – Traded to the Giants. Jonathan Davis Davis feels like exactly the type of guy the Giants turn from nothing into something. Where Wilmer Flores cried, Davis can walk.

Brett Phillips – Acquired by the Orioles. He’ll slot in as their third best pitcher.

Jorge Mateo – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer. Someone tell the Orioles they’re not supposed to be winning anymore.

Raisel Iglesias – Traded to the Braves. I’ll be really really really really really real with you, this one surprised me. From the Braves’ perspective, it makes sense. You can’t shorten games too much in the playoffs. Braves prolly felt it was imperative after they traded away Will Smith. They move the 8th inning from Will Smith to Iglesias in their Pursuit of Happyness. Also, if something happens to Kenley, they have their insurance policy.

Spencer Strider – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.79. It’s the Year of the Mustache. Only explanation. He’s got the highest K/9 for a rookie in history at 13.8, just above Kerry Wood. He’s not only going to get Rookie of the Year votes, he’s going to get Cy Young votes.

Jordan Montgomery – Traded to the Cards. What are the Yankees doing? You can never have too many arms. Why would you trade JoMo away if you’re them? Not saying JoMo’s been beyond reproach. We all know that’s not true, but as a solid real-life pitcher? Lot better than just adding another outfielder, even one with great defense. Not like Domingo German’s been good. Welp, this is great for JoMo’s fantasy value. NL Central sucks, and the park is so much better.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4 and his 20th homer. Hold on, I’m just done typing up the Cardinals plan on how to trade for Juan Soto, and I put it over by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!

Dylan Carlson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. There was some speculation that Carlson was too high of a price to trade for Juan Soto. Well, that sounds like nonsense, but the Cards have moved Carlson to leadoff, so he might be favored by the club more than you might think.

Christian Walker – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last two games. Christian Walker: The Guy Who Never Stopped Hitting Homers No Matter How Many Times You Dropped Him.

Harrison Bader – Traded to the Yankees. This has Clint Frazier, Part 2 written all over it. Yankees are not a place for young, not-so-great-with-the-bat guys. Guess this is a slight boost in value, if he plays, but I wouldn’t be shocked to see him platoon still.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3, 2 runs, and his 27th homer, and 4th homer in four games. HR to the Izzo!

Jose Trevino – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Curt Casali – Traded to the Mariners. Going from San Fran to Seattle isn’t that fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far for the psycho killer! Curt Casali!

Matthew Boyd – Traded to the Mariners. Well, if there’s one park where his homers allowed problem might not hurt him. Oh, but he is currently hurt.

Jake Lamb – Traded to the Mariners. With the thriving seafood market in Seattle, he wishes to now go by Jay Clam.

Braxton Garrett – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.88. Don’t care what Streamonator says, I love this guy! The perfs!

Graham Ashcraft – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.12. I like Ashcraft (and Garrett), so don’t take this the wrong way, but now that the trade deadline has passed, there’s gonna be quite a few bad teams just playing very badly.

Odubel Herrera – Designated for assignment. ODB went from paper stacks to walking papers.

Noah Syndergaard – Traded to the Phils. The disrespect by the Phillies to have Wheeler and Syndergaard. Why not just sign deGrom this offseason and inject steroids into the Phanatic’s head so his head swells and it looks like he has gigantism? Don’t love this move for Syndergaard, and he’s pitched a lot more like a number four than anywhere close to a number two. Anaheim was a good park, Philly is not.

Brandon Marsh – Traded to the Phillies. Phillies are gonna love this guy, and, if not, he can act as the fill-in for Gritty. So, this is a decent boost on value. He should play most days in center, has speed and some power, and the new park will help that along too. I think this is a sneaky under-the-radar move that could actually be something.

David Robertson – Traded to the Phils. “First, Seranthony is K-Rob’d from his Oscar for The Two Popes, and now this!?” That’s Judi Dench looking at her fantasy team. Robertson should be the closer in Philly. Will he? I haven’t the foggiest. Phils’ beat writers seem to think Rob Thomson (lead singer and manager) will mix and match.

Mickey Moniak – Traded to the Angels. Mickey Moniak heads to Anaheim as Arte Moreno tries to lure Disney into re-buying the Angels.

Jose Quijada – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.15, and his 2nd save. Could be the Angels’ new closer with Iglesias gone, but he’s a lefty, and as dumb as Phil Nevin is, I’m not sure he’s that dumb. My guess would still be Ryan Tepera for saves.

Kevin Gausman – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Gausman throwin’ gas, man!

Mitch White – Traded to the Jays. Every random sixth starter option the Dodgers touch turns to gold, but that magic ends once you leave the team bus driven by Magic. Might be irrelevant for redraft fantasy anyway, since the Jays have plenty of starter options.

Whit Merrifield – Traded to the Jays. Jays were getting decent production from Santiago Espinal, and Merrifield seemed cooked. This feels like a move the Yankees would do. Just doing moves for moves’ sake. Unless the Jays think Springer is going to be out, due to his elbow, for longer than they’re letting on. Not sure the point to this move, but Merrifield clearly gets a boost(er). The lineup will be stacked vs. the poverty Royals, and the park is a lot better. This is humorous: He has six homers on the year. If he only hit in KC, he’d have two homers. If he only hit in Toronto, he’d have 11 homers. Well, technically, he’d have zero, because he’s unvaxxed. No idea if he plans on getting the vaccine or if the Jays are only going to play him on the road.

Anthony Bass – Traded to the Jays. Marlins lost Fishman and Bass in the past two days, are they changing their name? Also going to the Jays is Zach Pop. Pretty cool the Jays were able to get in on the Juan Soto sweepstakes too. You see, north of the border Soto is called Pop.