Rizzo Was 100% That Bitch To The Orioles

Above Yankee Stadium last night was a transparent cherub, sitting on the clouds — rosy cheeks, belly full of gabagool, Italian flag wife beater shirt. It was the one and only American actor, James Gandolfini, and next to him was the American actress, Nancy Marchand, who famously played his mother. Together, they smiled down on the Italian stallions, Joey Gallo, who went 1-for-4, and his 1st homer; Aaron Judge, whose name ends in a vowel, went 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and Anthony Rizzo who went 3-for-4, 4 runs, 6 RBIs, 6th, 7th, and 8th homers, because last night the Yankees went ayo whaddya know bada bing bada boom. Though, Rizzo went bada bing bada boom bada bing bada boom bada bing bada boom. The three bada bing bada booms were previously reserved for guys from Staten Island and celebrated on special occasions like a baptism or when someone buys a Corvette. So far, Anthony Rizzo’s year couldn’t be coming at a better place for a true Zombino. The short porch was made for him. First, the Yankees Letter, then Anthony Rizzo’s 3-homer night. Not since Babe Ruth homered the night he torched his house with his lovely wife inside, have the Yankees had such a roller coaster day. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Hicks – Out on paternity leave. Razzball hears he will be naming his kid after him, but, so the baby knows it always comes first, he will name the baby, Aaaron.

Austin Hays – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer and 2nd homer in as many games. Who’s hotter than Austin Hays?! Well, you can look at the 7-day Player Rater if you want to know. Also, hot schmotato alert!

Anthony Santander – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Maybe Manfred tightened the stitches for the bouncey balls to return, but only for Anthonys. Hmm…

Bryan Reynolds – Hit the Covid-IL. Also, Cole Tucker was placed on the Covid-IL. Now if Vanessa Hudgens has Covid, Reynolds is gonna have some splainin’ to do.

Mitch Keller – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.62. Mitch Keller looks like he’s ready to be an ace on the Rays.

Willy Adames – 4-for-5, 7 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homers in two games. Oh, boy, someone’s woken up that Willy! *door gets knocked off the hinges* “Cancel Police, don’t move!”

Brandon Woodruff – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.30. Ugh, you really need to draft an ace in the first two rounds. What can you do?!

Zach Eflin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.20. This was a Streamonator call to “Hot For Streamers dot com” and I was too scared to listen. Damn me to hell.

Odubel Herrera– 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Pretty sure this is ODB’s first positive highlight in three years. ODB in 2019 fashion, rocking Spanx.

Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4, and his 3rd and 4th homer. Oh, they totally put the bouncy balls back in circulation. They’re bouncing around now like VH-1’s Pop-Up Video.

Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.98. That’s more like the Stroman we know and sorta like as a late round flyer.

Ian Happ – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .333, as he hits 8th and Michael Hermosillo (0-for-2) hits leadoff, hitting .105. Could an MLB manager score above 100 on an IQ test? Sound off in the comments!

Max Fried – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Fun fact! Max Fried is a county fair challenge.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.03. This is his 2nd straight start where the line has looked much worse than how he’s looked in reality. Too bad we’re not playing reality baseball, huh?

Max Kepler – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I had him on my RCL team for some reason — maybe because my team’s a mess? Who’s to say? — but anyway, now I’m going to hold him expecting more wonderbar, but getting wonderwhatelseisonwaivers.

Chris Paddack – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.68. Yeah, that’s nice, I still don’t trust him.

Emilio Pagan – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.18 and the blown save, as he allowed the home run to Javier Baez (2-for-3, 4 RBIs, 2nd homer). No shame in needing saves; we all do. Pagan being named closer by people, but has Baldelli? Because if he has, I still don’t believe it. I’d guess he’s in the mix, but that mix is a mess. Duran, Duffey, Pagan, Joe Mauer, the guy who wears a life vest to a seafood restaurant and jumps in the lobster tank — all of them are in the mix.

Logan Gilbert – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.40. Could a pitcher with a 0.40 ERA also be a buy? I wanna say yes.

Wander Franco – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .338. My only regret is I didn’t draft Wander Franco on the same fantasy team twice. There’s a Wander Franco in the Giants’ system, but, alas, I failed myself.

Josiah Gray – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.05. Honestly, I’ll take a subpar ERA night with 10 Ks all the time and twice on Muesday, the magical day between Monday and Tuesday.

Joey Wendle – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (3), hitting .362. A lot of Mattingly decisions are dandruff-inducing head-scratchers, but how are Jesus Aguilar (0-for-3, .204) and Jorge Soler (1-for-5, .190) top-of-the-order guys and Wendle isn’t?

Chris Bassitt – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.25. It’s April; I know, but the Mets are starting to feel special. Think about them getting deGrom back in time for the playoffs. Oh my God, I’ve been in the monkey cage too long, and I can no longer smell my own shizz.

Jordan Hicks – 2 IP, 2 ER, but left the game with a wrist contusion, but the x-rays were negative and he was likely only going two innings anyway. The stretching out of Jordan Hicks, will it take longer than The Batman? Wait to see!

Patrick Sandoval – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.00. “Wrote a sleeper post about him.” That’s me answering you when you ask if I think he’s any good.

Mike Trout – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. This guy seems pretty good. Anyone see any scouting reports on him? Ever hear of him before?

Tony Gonsolin – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.59. Not a great start, but, before you drop him, take a moment to think about dropping a pitcher with a 1.59 ERA.

Wilmer Flores – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .283. The Giants could turn the guy in your office who still says wassssssssup into a solid platoon player.

Sheldon Neuse – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and two steals (2, 3), hitting .327. Bring the Neuse, bring the steals! Looks like a speed schmotato, who’s hitting for a solid average.

Liam Hendriks – Day-to-day with back spasms. As reported here first after I simply inferred a medical diagnosis off of a replay. Hey, I’m a Fantasy Doctor! Graveman or Bummer are in the mix if Hendriks is out a while, but there’s no clearcut one; I’d guess Graveman.

Daniel Lynch – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.38. I like Daniel Lynch, so don’t take this the wrong way, but Tony La Russa absolutely released a black cat in the White Sox clubhouse, and that’s cat name was, “Drake LaRoche.” Are the White Sox taking batting practice with pieces of broken mirror? I’m asking for my White Sox player shares, because they look about as jinxed as I’ve ever seen a team, and it’s going on two years. When Eloy injured himself last year, right above him, was there a giant ladder he was walking under? So, Daniel Lynch is a 94 MPH fastball, heavy slider usage lefty. His slider is premium butter and why he throws it so much. I could see starting to look at him in 15 and 12-team mixed.

Adalberto Mondesi – Left yesterday’s game with an injury. Finally, the Mondesi we all came to know and love! Hilariously (depending on your definition), I did a Mondesi video for our YouTube channel (subscribe, it’s free) moments before he left the game. The moral of the video is don’t love anything, ever.

Pedro Baez – Designated for assignment, and he just signed a two-year deal. Wow, that was quick, and so unlike him.

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Why is it getting stuffy in here? Did someone shut the Buy Low Window?

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .203. No one really believed in Adolis coming into the year, but I did, so maybe you can buy low (pick up for free) Adolis.

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.19. Now has 30 Ks and zero walks. I’m not laughing at the people that were worried about Gausman moving to the AL East, but I am silently judging.

Jake Diekman – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.75, and a dinger to George Springer (2-for-5, 3 RBIs, 4th homer). This Red Sox pen is so bad it’s making Hansel Robles (1 IP, 0 ER, 0.00 ERA) look good.

Ha-Seong Kim – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games. Might be a light schmotato trending towards hot.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .390. Okay, Hosmer homered? Someone’s been talking to their Guatemalan seamstresses.

Nick Senzel – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Just priming himself up for his trip to Coors later this week. Now, as they say, it’s not a time to be Senzeless.

Jonathan India – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “I saw Bobby in the front lobby and called him Blobby by accident. I don’t think I need sensitivity training.”