Joe Girardi lost his job because he lost too many games. Joe Girardi, a victim of cancel culture. Little did we know Joe Girardi was the butterfly to start Hurricane Stott. Yesterday, Bryson Stott went 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and all three have come in the last week. Could it be connected? Last week, Stott said, “I need some super easy listening music to bust this slump. Maybe some adult contemporary. Something by Rob Thomas.” But what he didn’t realize was, while he was dreamcasting his thoughts, he just accidentally brushed against a genie lamp. Shame that right after, he added, “I wish they put more cheese on my Taco Bowl, and I wish it’s all cheddar and not a mix.” Pleasantly surprised by his lunch, but not the best use of wishes. There was a reason why he was one of the hottest pickups the first week of the season. Hitting 9th stinks, but if he can keep hitting, he makes the most sense at leadoff, and he has power and speed. Hopefully, he can continue it, even out of wishes. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Odubel Herrera – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer. ODB tends to get hot like Mariah for about four games at a time. Ooh, baby, I like it short like a jaunt!
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Another guy who usually gets crazy hot for a spell — H-O-T — but he hasn’t done it yet this year.
Aaron Nola – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Damn, that’s impressive. Best showing in Milwaukee by a visitor since Mork.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .306. *opens seltzer, effervescence sizzles* Bryyyyyyyce.
Willy Adames – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Someone told HR I ripped a takeout menu to mask the sound of me farting, but it’s a lie. I used the company directory.”
Mike Trout – Phil Nevin said he’s not too concerned about Trout’s groin. Only one day on the job and already well-acquainted with Trout’s groin. Think we know how he got hired!
Matt Strahm – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.78, and his 3rd save, and 2nd save in as many games. That means Houck will get the Sawx’s next save. I’m kidding! No one knows! Alex Cora doesn’t know! My guess is Houck threw two innings the night prior so he was just rested.
Chris Bassitt – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.36. What a major bummer. Bassitt’s a dog. Beginning to think we can only start him at home. Well, until he pitches poorly in Metco, and then we can’t start him anywhere.
Jake Cronenworth – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, now three homers in the last five games and, he’s rostered in 92% of leagues, so, well, that’s shocking. He’s been pretty awful prior to this.
Jose Urquidy – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.04. How’s that expression go, “Don’t try to be cute?” Yeah, don’t try Urquidy either.
Ty France – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. A French fly!
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Hot schmotato, I suppose. Pretty meh and iffy — mehffy.
Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.41. Lo-Gi is better than Loki.
Diego Castillo – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.57, and his 4th save, and his 2nd save in two games. All in the Servais of not knowing what’s going on in Seattle.
Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. *does a 45-minute choreographed dance recital ending with a standing ovation* Quiet! Stop clapping! I don’t deserve it! Audience member, screaming out, “We’re cheering because Tyler O’Neill is back!”
Corey Kluber – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, 1 walk, 5 Ks, and one homer allowed, ERA at 3.88. I’m a broken record on Kluber — And that’s me quoting me! Hot schmotato! Any hoo! Oh, no, Greybot3000 is overheating! — Anyway, I’m a broken record with Kluber because I think he’s the best case for the Streamonator. The predicted line from Streamonator yesterday was 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, 1 walk, 1 homer allowed. Oh, wow, one extra run and hit. Excuse me! Go ahead and punch the Streamonator, which is you punching your computer.
Packy Naughton – 1 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.54. Worst Packy experience since Fitzy O’Fitzreilly went down to the packy and was told they had no more Boston Globes with the special Celtics commemorative insert.
Christian Walker – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .202. I was about to compare him to ex-Diamondback, Adam Dunn, but Dunn’s career BA was .237. That would be above average now! If Adam Dunn were born 20 years later, he’d be Tony Gwynn! If Adam Dunn were born 20 years later, it would also have to be assumed he didn’t continue to grow in his mother’s womb, otherwise she’d be giving birth to a 235-pound baby.
Merrill Kelly – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Am I the only one who constantly gets Kelly and Mikolas confused? Feel like they’re the same guy. Do they ever pitch on the same day in different cities? Hmm…HMM!
Joey Bart – Optioned to Triple-A. When he left San Fran, I wonder what mode of transportation Bart took.
Sandy Alcantara – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.61. He’s such a throwback he must call guys six months his junior, “Kid.”
Josiah Gray – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.33. He said he wants to be called Jojo. I will not only honor that but I will also use my extensive Spanish, and call him J-Eye.
Ozzie Albies – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. “We could use the body as a raft, then abandon it once we’re far enough–Whoa! Hold on! Albies is alive!”
Adam Duvall – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Duvall used to homer once, then seven times in quick succession. Now he watches Succession on his iPad from the bench.
Byron Buxton – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .224. Crap, that means he now has to injure himself in the next game. Sorry, don’t make the rules!
Nestor Cortes – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 1.96. Are you trying to tell me he’s not a 1.50 ERA pitcher? Geez, I didn’t even think he was a 3.50 ERA pitcher, so that’s a relief. About time we saw some regression from some guys. I don’t sound bitter at all!
Tony Gonsolin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.58. Speaking of guys who seem incapable of regressing. I actually have Gonsolin in leagues though, so shush, boy, I say to myself.
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. Mentioned yesterday how wrong I was on Jazz the first week of the season. I was pretty spot-on with Cody, and for the few of you who are like, “Grey, my man, everyone thought Cody sucked.” No, people were absolutely believing the bounce back the first week of the season. On the year, he’s about as valuable as Kole Calhoun, who is on and off teams all year.
Will Smith – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .235. The return on catcher investment this year feels particularly bad.
Daniel Hudson – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.86, and his 5th save. Kimbrel is out on paternity leave. Hopefully his kid isn’t born with a similar looking beard, that could get confusing.
Javier Baez – 0-for-4, 3 Ks, hitting .200. Haven’t mentioned him much this year, but let me just say I could learn how to throw a slider, then the next day throw Javy a slider, and he’d swing and miss.
Alex Faedo – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.92. He’s the sixth pitcher since 1893 to throw 5+ innings with 2 runs or less in each of his first seven MLB starts. Jered Weaver was the last in 2006. That’s a pretty good name to tell you how excited I am for Faedo. His 6.8 K/9 and 2.7 BB/9 would make him around a decent fantasy number eight. He’s the type of guy who you love in AL-Only and wouldn’t touch in mixed.
Brady Singer – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.33. You might say he deserved better, but how do we know what he deserved? Maybe he’s a bastard and deserves nothing! *intern whispers in ear* Oh! He pitched better than the score. Gotcha.
Gabriel Moreno – Called up by the Jays. I went like this: Clicked on Moreno on waivers, stared at his name and my team (a 15-teamer), seeing who I could drop. Jonah Heim, my catcher, was on the list of guys possible to drop, and I left Moreno on waivers. He’s a top catcher prospect bat, and Jansen’s out for a while with a fractured pinkie, so Moreno should at least backup Kirk, who could also DH. There’s ABs there. Itch just put him in his top 50 prospects, saying his timeline was drifting back (oopsie). Moreno could hit .300 and maybe power if he rediscovers his stroke, which has been nonexistent (1 HR in 146 PAs). He kinda reminds me of MJ Melendez. If you have room, I’d take the flyer, even if I didn’t.
Yusei Kikuchi – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.44. This start was so bad that Charo said she will no longer say, “Cuchi cuchi.” If you started Yusei, it’s not exactly comforting to hear it, but he was super unlucky with two hits that drove in runs that were roughly 65 MPH seeing-eye plonkers.
Raimel Tapia – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Since we’re firing managers, Tapia hitting 5th is grounds for firing. He is so clearly a leadoff or number nine hitter that if you don’t immediately recognize it, you must be fired. Hitting Vogelbach third? That’s-a-firin’! Can’t figure out your best reliever is Anthony Bass? That’s-a-firin’! Have one of the best records in baseball, but continue to play Aaron Hicks? Sorry, that’s-a-firin’! Batting Leury Garcia leadoff? That’s absolutely a-firin’!