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The Sum of All Fears with rookie pitchers is they will do things to you that you never want done. Things Alec Baldwin, Harrison Ford, Ben Affleck and Jim from The Office would try to stop by running and screaming through a Washington landmark, while diving for a helicopter that is lifting off. In the Ryanverse, Joe Jack Ryan and Joe Exotic should never interact, but here they are. Spies are taking shortcuts trying to get Tigers into the country from Bengal to sell them to finance a far-off arms deal with a rebel army in Latin America that is illegally trying to take down a corrupt government. Joe Jack Ryan is exactly who you want because of his command of the strike zone, and what it means to be an American. “Sell those tigers if the price is right. We’re running tigers for arms,” a corrupt CIA agent says to an actor that looks like a Latin Phil Hartman. But what they don’t know is Joe Jack Ryan is actually hiding inside of one of the Tigers, having taken them down himself in Minnesota. Any hoo! Joe Ryan went 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.17, as he does exactly what I was hoping when I told you in the preseason, “In the big picture/pitcher, he’s about the command, and it’s as beautiful as advertised. The zone% on his pitches would’ve been 45.9%, or 5th in the league if he qualified (in 2021). Obviously, he didn’t qualify because he only was in the league for 26 2/3 IP. By the way, in those MLB innings, he had 10.1 K/9, 1.7 BB/9, 0.79 WHIP (!!!), and a 3.43 FIP. Bit too in the Zone% because he gave up a few homers, but those numbers are ace-like. I wouldn’t expect better peripherals from Shane Bieber as far as K/9 and BB/9. 10+ and 1+ absolutely works. And by “works,” I mean it f*cks. Rookie pitchers are the devil incarnate with their blowups, but Joe Ryan has the makings of a ‘safe’ rookie starter, due to his command.” And that’s me quoting me! Hopefully, Joe Jack Ryan is wearing a giant bird suit next week when he takes down the Orioles. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Max Kepler – 2-for-3, and his 3rd and 4th homer, and three homers in two games, and somehow I’ve stepped in it with Kepler on my RCL team. I don’t even know why I have him. Maybe it was a batty call, but now I have battachment to a guy I barely want, but a hot schmotato can’t just be ignored.

Ryan Jeffers – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in his last three games. Problem is Gary Sanchez’s got oh-fer turds to lay.

Steven Matz – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.11. Like the story of the stripper on a true crime podcast, Matz went from being squeezed to being singled to death. His name should be spelled Stephan Matz so it includes the word Hazmat.

Nolan Arenado – 3-for-3, 1 run, 3 RBIs, and ejected for starting a benches-crawling brawl. That brawl led to Pujols running the fastest since his wife emerged from surgery. Well, wasn’t quite Arenado starting it. In some ways, Manfred started the brawl because, as Chris Bassitt said, “Pitchers can’t grip the ball,” and I’m paraphrasing here. Then, Mikolas replied, “It’s not the ball’s fault. Take some responsibility for your actions.” Gonna be hard to reconcile Miles’s thoughts when all of his teammates are the ones hitting the Mets hitters, knocking J.D. Davis out of yesterday’s game.

Carlos Carrasco – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.09. I know this makes no sense, but Matz looked much better than Carrasco. Where Matz seemed unlucky, Carrasco just looked so bleh.

Andrew Heaney – Has yet to resume throwing. Same.

Julio Urias – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.50. Can’t fault Urias for that start. Dodgers’ lineup didn’t show up. Hope that doesn’t hurt their chances of sending eight of nine hitters to the All-Star Game.

Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.60. The misleading nature of one start and its earned runs, a story told by Grey. Gallen’s peripherals actually went down and looked much worse yesterday than in his previous two starts. If I could sell Gallen I would, but who’s buying? Not I.

Nick Ahmed – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Ahmed is the sound one makes when opening a soda in urgent care.

Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.77 vs. Ross Stripling – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Imagine thinking you have to draft a starter early. Like really thinking it. Not just saying it, but actively thinking it, when you have starters falling off the Starters Tree literally every day. I just grabbed Wacha in a 15-team league this past Sunday. Not a shallow league; everyone could’ve got him; I spent, like, $6 out of $1000.

Jesus Aguilar – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer, hitting .214. Ah, now I see why he’s hitting 2nd. Ow! Eye roll headache.

Pablo Lopez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.39. Feels similar to Rodon and Kershaw. Need to stop being worried about starters who are healthy in the spring, and only worry about starters who aren’t healthy in the spring like Wheeler.

Joey Gallo – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Whoever dropped Gallo on Sunday or Monday of this week, thank you. Thank you from all the Gallo owners.

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .242. This is a weird coincidence perhaps, but he homered just as Cougs was saying to me, “You really want me to wear this Giancarlo jersey and eye black?”

Anthony Santander – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. I wonder if it crosses Santander’s mind something like, “Hey, hitting in Yankee Stadium is kinda like how it used to be in Baltimore.”

Odubel Herrera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, as he now hits leadoff. Hot schmotato alert!

C.J. Cron – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Curtis Jackson Cron going for Fiddy, and gonna win me some Fabulous Moolah, if he does.

Ranger Suarez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.42. Was switching between this game and the Cristian Javier start, and Javier looked better with a worse line. Suarez’s line says about the whole pitcher/picture. Worked out of jams, didn’t have great stuff, but managed to get to the Quality Start. It was fine. I still like him, but I wasn’t blown away, Nicole Eggert.

J.P. Crawford – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .349. Friday’s Buy/Sell is already available on the Patreon, but Crawford won’t be there, because, and this shocked me, he’s rostered in 75% of leagues. Crawford’s been a top 50 guy on the Player Rater, and should be at 100% rostered.

Abraham Toro – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .170. Wonder if Son were to do a Bull or Bear on Toro if he’d be a Bull. Wonder if Son just looks at waivers and says aloud, “Bear, Bear, Bear, BULL!” like he’s doing duck duck goose.

Marco Gonzales – Left after being hit on the wrist by a line drive, i.e., Maverick was buzzing the tower. No word as of this typing how bad it is.

Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and I will never tell you to pick him up, but appizzarently he’s hot.

Drew Rasmussen – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Some pitchers I liked in the preseason have thrown clunkers, but, by and large, my fantasy teams are doing well in pitching, so yours should be too.

MacKenzie Gore – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.76. If you’re curious, I almost did the lede about Gore. Five innings and 10 Ks is quite glorious too. Alas, maybe next time for Gore. I love, love, lurve Gore and own him in leagues, so don’t get it twisted, Auntie Anne.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .410. Yes, Hosmer’s going to hit .400 this year. No, you dimwitted bullfrog! Of course he’s not! But he is worth grabbing in all leagues.

Jurickson Profar – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .228. In extreme James Bond villain voice, “Jurickson or Hosmer, which do you Profar?” Strokes kitten, drops Mondesi to make room for both.

Brandon Drury – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer. *slurring speech* Drury!

Tommy Pham – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 3rd homer. Wonder if Tommy Pham knew the stripper mentioned in the Matz blurb.

Josh Hader – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00, and his 10th save. I don’t mention closers who are doing well, but Hader’s going to save 60 games this year or what? If so, some jackasses next year will draft him in the top 10 overall.

Charlie Morton – 2 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 7.00. We went over him in the last podcast, and it’s hard to get that excited about buying a 38-year-old, but it might just be a matter of grabbing him off waivers with how he’s pitching. He shouldn’t be this bad.

Cristian Javier – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.35. Was pretty impressed with Javier last night. Not because he looked great, but because he didn’t seem to have his best stuff and still battled his way through. Early on, he wans’t finishing his pitches, and leaving everything up. Eventually, he settled in and I really liked what I saw. Maybe not Kyle Wright, but definitely in the mix for all leagues.

Ryne Stanek – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.00, as he got a save finally. Pressly left the building so long ago I could’ve went to Graceland on foot, ate a box of Twinkies at Elvis’s grave and returned before this vulture save registered on my team that Stanek has been clogging like these arteries from these Twinkies.

Glenn Otto – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.89. My monocle is glued in for Otto and I look like someone named Otto. Who am, Otto Preminger? Get me my director’s chair, you nonce! Any hoo! I need to see Otto again, maybe two more times. But he didn’t look bad.

Taylor Ward – 3-for-3, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and a single short of the cycle. Terrific stuff going on with Ward on my bench in a weekly league. To no one in particular, “Check please,” takes imaginary check and free falls off a building. As I free fall, “What hell hath wrought me for multiple sonavabenchings?”

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer, hitting .353. Could this be the best player ever for the Guardians? Yes, clearly, they’ve only existed for a few weeks.

Jakob Junis – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.00. Damn, I should’ve went harder after him in my NL-Only league. Why? Because he’s now a Giants pitcher. They’re only good.

Paul Blackburn – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.35. Streamonator hates his next start, but it’s home and I would start him, even if his last name sounds like a shady land deal that my mom hears about on Fox.

Adalberto Mondesi – Has structural damage in his knee. He’s a joke. I’m so done with him. He literally stutter-stepped and damaged his knee. Forget it, man, it’s over. It. Is. A. Wrap. Have a nice life, we’re done.

Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Greinke feels like he can pitch until he’s 50, look like he’s 25, while throwing only 55, and still have an ERA around 4.00. Any hoo! Streamonator hates his next start, and I wouldn’t touch Greinke.

Kendall Graveman – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.74, and his 1st save, as Hendriks deals with a sore back. Graveman buries b**ches! Graveman, Bummer and Hendriks could all be lights-out closers with opportunities, but Hendriks will be fine soon, I imagine.

Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.27. For the first five innings, it was KC can’t Cease straight. Carpe Cease. Seize the Cease! Then the Royals got lucky on pop-ups.

Andrew Vaughn – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .298. La Russa, what are you doing? Get this guy out of your lineup quick!

Jake Burger – 3-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Think for Burger a 2nd homer is more likely called “a double,” but that’s only a two-bagger. *mind explodes*

Danny Mendick – 1-for-3, 1 run. White Sox penciling Mendick into their lineup with Reese McGuire, and the misdemeanors write themselves. You know balls are gonna be flying out of the park…ing lot.

Jon Jay – Announced his retirement. Finally, he can finish The Federalist Papers. Sorry for messing up your Wikipedia Personal Life section, Jon Jay.