Fracture In the Tatis-Space Continuum

Fernando Tatis Jr. fractured his wrist and I want to die. Just curl into a ball and bawl. MLB lockout was the butterfly’s wings and Tatis’s wrist is the earthquake in Indonesia. Hope you’re happy Rob Manfred! Fernando Tatis Jr. likely hurt himself on his motorcycle, and it was months ago. Sure, he should’ve been checked out by a doctor for the last three months for the wrist injury, but he just dusted himself off and said, “Oopsie.” If Tatis wasn’t so damn resilient, maybe he would’ve went to the doctor. Stupid, resilient, regenerative Fun The Jewels! If it wasn’t for the lockout, the Padres would’ve insisted Tatis went to see their team doctors, and his wrist would’ve been diagnosed sooner. See, this really is Rob Manfred’s fault! *goes to the beach, digs giant hole, lies down into sand grave, slowly pulls sand down on top of head* I don’t want to go on. Please, let me be. *sobs loudly*

So, Rudy updated Fernando Tatis Jr. with a 75-game dock, and he’s now at 155 overall on his 12-team auction values. I’m down to 103 overall. From the number one spot to 103 overall; I really feel like I’m going to vomit. *drives to Ralph’s supermarket then ralphs* I like to be meta, when possible. What’s kinda funny, in a painful way that isn’t funny at all, I did my adjustments to Tatis without knowing what Rudy was doing, and I have him ranked right next to Kyle Schwarber, as Rudy does, in my top 500 for 2022 fantasy baseball. Of course, I have Schwarber and Tatis higher than Rudy, barely. Also, Rudy has Tatis at 289 ABs (58/23/56/.282/13) and I have him down for 51/17/45/.287/15 in 303 ABs, and we both did our new projections without bouncing them off each other, so we’re both pretty close, which is reassuring in a very sad way. I’m a bit worried about the wrist coming all the way back immediately, but like the idea of his upside when he returns, so I ranked him a bit higher than his stats might warrant. I updated my top 10 for 2022 fantasy baseball; my top 100 for 2022 fantasy baseball and the top 20 shortstops for 2022 fantasy baseball. This all somehow sucks and simultaneously blows. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this preseason for 2022 fantasy baseball:

Ha-Seong Kim – The good news coming from the Fernando Tatis Jr. news is the USPS still works, so hopefully Tatis replies soon to my invitation for me to donate my wrist to him. I’d cross my fingers, but it could put undue stress on my wrist and he might need it. Not good news, but Ha-Seong Kim was moved up in my top 20 2nd basemen for 2022 fantasy baseball.

Matt Olson – Traded to the Braves for Cristian Pache, Shea Langeliers, Ryan Cusick and Joey Estes. Looking forward to the Moneyball sequel where Billy Beane masking tapes a glove to a cactus, their new 1st baseman. So, Olson could hit the ball out of Yellowstone. In fact, he just hit the ball out of Yellowstone, only they call it the Coliseum. This year the A’s are going to be playing in Please Forward Mail From Here Park. Okay, anyway, I need to let it go. The A’s want to suck, let’s let them suck. Oddly enough, according to Statcast, Olson would’ve hit only 34 homers last year in Atlanta, but hit 39 in Oaktown. Meh, he’s a 40+homer guy in any stadium, it’s just a matter of getting into enough fastballs. He was updated in the top 20 1st basemen for 2022 fantasy baseball.

Cristian Pache – Should move into an everyday centerfield job in Oakland. Good news, bad news. Good news is you got an everyday centerfield job, Pache. Bad news is it’s the 4.5 square miles of foul territory in Oakland that is gonna wreck havoc on his already bad batting average. The BABIP in Oakland + Pache’s AVG = WOOF.  So, Pache has been updated in the top 100 outfielders, but he might hit .170 in 600 ABs.

Jesse Winker – Traded to the Mariners. Good on the Reds! *rubs hands together* Oh, yeah, that payroll is getting aligned to resources, baby!

Father in the stands at a Reds game, talking to his child, “Trading away your young, great hitter, Jesse Winker, for financial flexibility is such a dream for a fan…Oh, wow, Mr. Castellini is here! I wonder if he’ll sign my balance sheet!”

What a #blessing to see a father and his child taking in a great balance sheet. Warms the cockles! I’m sorry, but it is just so gee-dee funny that MLB went through a labor dispute to resolve it to teams quitting immediately. Hey, baseball, you’re lucky I love you, because you are severely crackers. So, Winker goes to the Mariners. Better lineup, worse park, so couple less homers and bit more on counting stats, right? Well, I don’t know if that’s accurate. Expected homers in Seattle last year for him would’ve been 26, and 27 in Cincy. Not really concerned about Winker. I did slightly lower his projections. Bit more worried about Jul-Rod for this year. Hopefully the M’s don’t get any ideas about platooning Winker. He’s been updated in the top 20 outfielders for 2022 fantasy baseball.

Eugenio Suarez – Traded to M’s. This was the money the Reds were unloading — $35 million. Perhaps even more importantly, Eugenio Suarez showed up to Reds camp with a reverse skunk haircut.

After you see that haircut, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.” In fact, that look is called The Can’t Stay “Hair.” Hope Eugenio was working on his defense…of that hairdo! Okay, so I kinda prefer Abraham Toro over Eugenio. Do I get a vote? I’m hearing I don’t get a vote. By the way, movie made of that horror show on Eugenio’s shoulders was called The Hairing. Unfortunately, Suarez sucks, and not just at the barber. M’s might just be eating Eugenio’s money and hair, and starting Toro still. This doesn’t help Toro though, if I’m being honest, and it lowers Eugenio. I’ve lowered him in the 2nd basemen rankings, and Eugenio was updated in the shortstops rankings.

Andrew McCutchen – Signed with the Brewers. Now I might get fewer comments like, “Yo, Grey, handsome face, but I can’t believe you haven’t ranked Tyrone Taylor! He’s only been in the minors for 12 years, and he’s about to break out.” McCutchen is the trademark aging player who becomes a DH. Too bad for the Brewers they have, like, five of them. I’ve updated McCutchen in my top 100 outfielders.

Kyle Lewis – Won’t be ready to start the season. Hey, Kyle Lewis, you like making me feel pain, or what? I haven’t moved Lewis yet, but only because I don’t know how much he’s gonna miss.

Jake Fraley – Traded to the Reds. He’s now in a much better park, and more of a chance he stays a starter. F. Raley? Yeah, F. Raley! Fraley’s projections boosted, and he was moved up in the top 100 outfielders, though still out of range for 12-team mixed leagues.

Aristides Aquino – Reds are gonna have one extra spot for Aquino (YUM), Jose Barrero (HOLY YUM), Shogo Akiyama (Meh) or a little of all three (kinda meh). There’s also a chance the Reds just sell off ten more guys and their outfielders aren’t even born yet.

Justin Dunn – Traded to the Reds. A pitcher going from Safeco to Great American is Just Done.

Jake Marisnick – Signed with the Rangers. Can he play 3rd? No? Then get out of here!

Tyler Wells – Will be stretched out. Same, I just started doing pilates–*intern whispers in ear*–So no saves from Wells? Makes sense, since nothing with the Orioles ends Wells! So, I moved Cole Sulser up to be the primary saves guy in Baltimore, but saying I don’t trust him is understatement the size of the Milky Way.

Sixto Sanchez – Saw a report that said, “Ng says Sixto is shut down.” And for a moment I thought they misspelled ngl, i.e., not gonna lie, and were saying, “Not gonna lie, Sixto is shutdown,” which would be good. This was not good, and I removed Sixto from my rankings, you can’t draft him.

Adbert Alzolay – Right shoulder tightness and will require an IL stint, and, the Cubs said, it won’t be a minimum stint. At least they’re not peeing  on my head and calling it rain, but when clubs are that brutally honest, it’s bad news. I’ve removed him from my rankings.

Brad Hand – Signed with the Phillies. Also, going to the Phillies was Jeurys Familia. Here I thought the other Pennsy team was all about family. Neither guy interests me for saves, but if you want Holds, how about a Hand? All bullpen moves are charted in the bullpen chart, funny how that works. It’s updated as moves happen, so bookmark that page.

Odubel Herrera – Re-signed with Phils. Actually, in this case, it might be: Resigned, the Phils brought Herrera back. The Dirty ODB brings his special brand of being terrible on and off the field, and it’s hard to turn that down. For 2022, Odubel Herrera projections are 52/11/47/.263/5 in 373 ABs, and was updated in the top 100 outfielders for 2022 fantasy baseball.

Sean Doolittle – Signed with the Nats. Finnegan/Rainey are still at the top of that pen, which is different than Finnegan’s Rainbow, but no less optimistic.

Ian Kennedy – Signed with the Diamondbacks. Melancon and Kennedy at the backend of the bullpen is threatening if you’re a bottle of prune juice. Are the Diamondbacks putting together a pen or a comment on society’s disdain for old people? Any hoo! Top 500 for 2022 fantasy baseball is updated for Kennedy.