Yesterday, Tyler Glasnow like an Afrikaan miner threw a gem — 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 0.53.  Hey, I wrote a Tyler Glasnow sleeper this year, so I’m down with TG-AF — that’s Tyler Glasnow as f**k!  Yes, I’d love to mock the Pirates for trading him away.  However, I’m not sure how much we can’t discount how Ray Searage preaches contact and is a wet blanket on Ks-slash-some pitchers, i.e., Glasnow may never have been this pitcher on the Pirates.  Then throw-in Meadows into the trade, though?  I mean, what were the Pirates thinking?  “Argh, we’re dumb.”  Pirates should be cursing themselves, which would sound like, “Plankety plank plank!”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Austin Meadows – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .341.  Whenever I see his name, I visualize myself skipping through a grass meadow like in The Sound of Music, but there’s thousands of Audrey and Jayne Meadows.  Am I sick in the head for Cougars?

Tommy Pham – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homers, hitting .286.  Still not a fan of Pham, but when he’s going well, it’s harder to justify that.  Don’t worry, there will either be an injury or a three-month spell when he struggles.  Or one possibility is I just take this L like I did for years on Josh Donaldson until he wasn’t good.

Reynaldo Lopez – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 12.15.  Taking off the kid gloves, so you might want to move on if you don’t want to read me get real.  Okay, ready?  Good.  If you own Reynaldo Lopez, you should be ashamed of yourself.  I told everyone not to draft him.  He’s had one pee-poor start after another.  You can close your eyes real hard and wish upon a star that Lopez is going to be good, but, guess what, you’re not a freakin’ genie!  Wise up!

Eloy Jimenez – 1-for-4, hitting .279.  Without looking it up, I’m gonna guess Eloy Jimenez’s average exit velocity this year is 7 MPH.  Mollywhop, you bastard!

Tim Anderson – 2-for-4, and his 4th steal.  How do you know it’s still early in the season?  Tim Anderson is hitting .514.

Dereck Rodriguez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.15.  Damn, I wanted to watch Margevicius and D-Rod, two guys I own in different leagues, but I missed this entire game because I was watching the Rays/White Sox.  Not because I wanted to, but I felt compelled because no one else was watching it.  It’s paid attendance was:  *counts players and umpires*

Kevin Pillar – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer.  Pillar is the stereotypical great deep league player, and unownable in shallow leagues.  We should have a glossary term for this type of player.  Please suggest in the comments.

Nick Margevicius – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.69.  Fun fact!  Margevicius is my mom’s Sex Pistols cosplay name.  As for Nick, he seems to be a great candidate to use the Streamonator in mixed leagues.

Nick Pivetta – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 9.45.  Someone please stop me from writing a Nick Pivetta 2020 sleeper post.  Pivetta is such a Pineda.  His peripherals can look great, but he is not good.  Such a KaBoB.  As The Who once sang, “When I say I love pitchers who have underperformed their peripherals you say Pivetta! Pivetta Pivetta regret.”

Jeremy Hellickson – 6 IP, 0 R, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.25.  The Nats got out to an early lead and Hellickson cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W.  Going forward, I would use the Streamonator for him.

Edwin Jackson – Signed a minor league deal with the A’s.  Confession:  I write “Edwin Jackson – Signed a minor league deal with” in every roundup, then delete it the few times it doesn’t apply.

Chad Pinder – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .318.  Be awesome if the A’s always gave Pinder the silent treatment after a home run, so he was a left hanging Chad.  Or maybe awesome is too strong.  Either way, Pinder is a hot schmotato, but I’d start anyone against the O’s pitching.

Jurickson Profar – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Him or anyone on your waivers?  I Profar Jurickson.

Khris Davis – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer, hitting .254.  How sweet of him to do that so the Orioles’ fans listening on the radio can imagine it was Chris Davis.

Frankie Montas – 6 Ip, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.18.  He was no-hitting the O’s through five innings and for a moment I thought the Orioles were empathizing with Chris Davis a little too much.  I AM CHRISDAVISPARTACUS!  As for Montas, I don’t have much interest in him.

Matt Chapman – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .305.  Weird that the Athletics are down to one Matt.  You’d think the A’s would understand the importance of a 2nd Matt so you can wipe yourself clean at the back door.

Trey Mancini – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer.  Look at Trey trying to earn the Boom Boom nickname.

Rio Ruiz – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  The river runs through it!

Yu Darvish – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 7.50.  Well, he didn’t walk anyone!  Insert emoji shrugging as it timbers off the side of a building.

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .371.  I’m in on Heyward turning his career around, as in I picked him up in a few leagues.  How confident am I that I will still own him in two weeks?  About 2% confidence, and I might be overestimating myself.

Francisco Cervelli – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer.  It makes sense he’s hitting third; he is the Pirates’ best hitter.  This is not a compliment for Cervelli.

Starling Marte – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (3), hitting .225.  I had a running tally last year that no Pirates hitter would reach 20 homers, and I just missed being right.  This year I’m much more confident in that.  I’m not sure anyone’s getting to 17.  Bell has the best chance.

Jordan Lyles – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 0.82.  Jordan made the Cubs’ hitting look like Michael Jordan.  (K. Bryant in the box score is obviously Kobe Bryant, at least that’s how he is hitting.) As for Lyles for fantasy, I just looked at his peripherals and shuddered.

Ian Kennedy – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.50, as he entered the 6th inning in a game the Royals were losing.  Minister, wearing a SAGNOF t-shirt, to congregation, “Can I get a Dick Lovelady?!”  Though, Brad Boxberger (1 IP, 1 ER) was used in a tie game in the 9th like a closer would.  Push comes to shove, Boxberger is my bet for the Royals closer, but losing the game did him no favors.

Whit Merrifield – 1-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .340.  He broke George Brett’s Royals’ hitting streak record (31 games) and, in true Royals’ fashion, Brett was congratulating Whit on TV as Merrifield was being picked off 1st base.

Jorge Soler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .233.  This was his first hits since he homered four days ago, so…ler.

Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.15.  I’m no scout, but I watched Kikuchi, and came away fairly unimpressed.  He relies so heavily on junk.  He threw like 40% curves yesterday, which, I guess, is okay, but he’s about as overpowering as a three-year-old arm wrestler.

Brandon Woodruff – 6 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.00.  More like Brandon Woodbarf.  And Trout didn’t even play!  The Brewers’ young pitchers are making the Angels seem like they’re powered by The Great Bambino rather than The Great Bourbino.

Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.52.  The path of Ray takes to greatness just can’t be via the walk.

Jose Leclerc – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and yanked from the game for Kyle Bird.  How birds do the Rangers have?  I thought they just had The Gangly Manbird, Hunter Pence (1-for-4 and his 1st homer).  Hopefully, the fact the Rangers sunk a bunch of money into Leclerc is enough for them to show a bit more loyalty, then one botched save.

Mitch Garver – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd in two games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Jonathan Schoop – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .313, raising his average about hundred points in two games.  Damn, you didn’t get him off your team fast enough!

Tyler Mahle – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 0.82.  His control yesterday was muy Mahle.  I did stream him, due to the Streamonator, and I’m fine with the outcome, and I dropped him already.

Raisel Iglesias – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks and the save as he notched The Kimbrel.  As for Kimbrel, he dumped some koi in his bathtub and went fishing, afraid if he went out to a lake, he wouldn’t have cell reception.

Jose Iglesias – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer.  Also, if you have a category in your league for Web Gems, Iglesias notched a few of those.  Here is the Church, here is the steeple, now watch him throw out people.

Jesse Winker – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .125, but two games in a row with a homer, and, if he was dropped in your league, you might want to correct that.

Trevor Richards – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 5 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.00.  His change is so nasty!  His other pitches, well, um, stammer, are okay.

Jose Altuve – 2-for-4 and his 4th and 5th homer, third and 4th homers in the past three games, and, in yesterday’s game, it was the 1,501,829,010th time someone compared his height to Aaron Judge.

Carlos Correa – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .316.  Let’s remove all sanctions on Correa!

Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (2), hitting .262.  This is how you come back from a shoulder injury, Kris Bryant!  By the way, is it me or is Ozuna the first player to get faster as they get older?

Max Muncy – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .256.  He was still in the minors this time last year.  Cust kayin’.

Joc Pederson – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer.  I like Joc, but Dave Row-bears (how I say it) will platoon him.

Collin McHugh – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.55.  Pretty impressed with how smoothly he went from the bullpen back to the rotation.  I liked him coming into this year, but he’s showing me a bit more.  *McHugh pulls up pants leg to show stirrups*  Not like that, silly!

James Paxton – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.00.  The Big Maple’s ratios are like the Big Apple on New Year’s Eve.  Only can go down. (I hope.)

Luke Voit – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  You gonna let him talk to you that way, Pete Alonso?

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – Headed to Triple-A for at least two weeks.  As amped as I am to see Glad Vuerrero in the majors, he better wear a Drury jersey when he plays otherwise every pitcher is going to pitch around him.

Niko Goodrum – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  I own Bauer and Goodrum, so when Goodrum homered of Bauer, it was like f**king your stepsister, which tracks after you’re enjoying Goodrum.

Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.60.  You, “I wonder what that handsome devil, Grey Albright, thinks of Boyd.”  Me, “I gave you my Matthew Boyd fantasy after his first start.”  Donkey Teeth also just gave you his Matthew Boyd fantasy, and he’s chomping at the bit for him, but, with those teeth, that’s likely true of a lot of players.

Jose Ramirez – 0-for-4, hitting .154.  Too early for victory laps, but I told you Ramirez was overrated in the preseason, and he has done nothing different than what I was concerned about.  His fly ball rate is ruining him.  Also, the Indians have set an unofficial record of seven guys in lineup whose last name starts with B and ends with “ers” — Jake Bauers plus six guys with last name of Benchwarmers.

Trevor Bauer – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.29.  The pitcherpocalypse continues to ravage the heartland of fantasy baseball teams.  By the by, there were so many ex-Pirates in this Indians/Tigers game they should’ve played the game in the Bay of Bengal.

Francisco Lindor – Ran in the outfield yesterday.  In related news, Yahoo felt this was sufficient to award Lindor with outfield eligibility.