There was a time when I thought Freddy Peralta (8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 11 Ks) was merely a starter. A guy who took the ball every fifth day, stared in at the catcher, shook off a sign or two and scratched his balls. Not like a Gaylord. Perry, not, um, yeah, Perry. Yesterday, we (me) gained a newfound appreciation for FP Saintdamnvelo. His command was gorge, and I’m engorged. In fact, I’m not typing this with my fingers. It’s whether he can replicate that command going forward like he’s a replicate in one of those sci-fi movies with replicates. I don’t know sci-fi, so you have to figure out your own analogy. Sci-fi is for nerds! That’s why I play fantasy baseball. Either way, you have to pick up Freddy Peralta after yesterday’s start to see if he can build off it. If Peralta continues that no-walk command, he’s a potential breakout. Speaking of breakouts (can you believe the ease of that segue), Matthew Boyd dropped the ew, dunked 13 Ks on the Yankees and that’s straight Matth. Like his most famous fantasy baseball owner would say, “Yeah, Boyd!” Damn right, Flavor Flav! Matthew Boyd (6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.18) leads the majors in Ks. El oh cmon. He’s the first Tigers starter to start the season with back-to-back 10+ K games. This wasn’t the A lineup for the Yankees, but more “a Yankees lineup.” Still, I’m buying partly because of FOMO, and since he had 26 swinging strikes, i.e., he was fooling them real good. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (4 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 1.42. I’ll admit I went for the head fake when Castillo was looking pee-poor again in Spring Training. I’m convinced it is best to not pay attention to anyone’s results in Spring Training. For every guy who added a pitch in the spring and it actually matters in the regular season, there’s another guy who was struggling in the spring who pitches lights-out in the regular season. You can’t argue with that anecdotal evidence.
Jonathan Loaisiga – 4 IP, 1 ER as he was recalled from Scranton/Jamaal Wilkes-Barre. I’ve seen a more stretched-out Lasagna in one of those cooking shows when they’re actually making homemade udon and they’re smacking noodles. By the way, don’t smack noodles unless you get permission. As for Lasagna, I mean, okay, but four innings vs. the toothless Tigers? That ain’t how one smacks and/or stretches their noodle.
Troy Tulowitzki – Out with a strained calf. In other news, water is wet and Nashville fried chicken burns my anus five hours after consumption.
Juan Soto – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, an absolute bomb to the deepest part of the field. Sexy Dr. Pepper says, “Stay thirsty.”
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. With the loss of Trea Turner, I’m glad I had Ryan Zimmerman and Juan Soto going in that league. They can make up for the loss of 60 steals, right? I’m not salty. That’s Charlie Morton.
Anthony Rendon – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Yesterday, Elias Sports Bureau said Rendon is the only player in the major leagues to not receive a contract extension.
Anibal Sanchez – 4 IP, 4 ER and left with a bruised hip flexor. Gonna hurt his Hokey Pokey game.
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.64. The Rockies on the road are so lifeless they should get Andrew McCarthy or Jonathan Silverman to pinch-run for them.
German Marquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.69. Nice. I really hope he’s not setting me up for when I have to decide on whether to start him at home. Don’t be setting me up, Exiled Nazi! I ain’t got time for that (or bird sex)!
Aaron Nola – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.00. Just the way you drew it up when you chose to ignore my advice to not draft a top starter.
Seranthony Dominguez – 1 IP, 1 ER; David Robertson – Walked in the winning run; Craig Kimbrel’s wife – Repeated for the 5th time this week, “No, the phone hasn’t rang.”
Matt Shoemaker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.00. If you followed my rankings, I’m not sure how you don’t own Shoemaker. With that said, I think I only own him in two leagues. Stupid 2nd guessing of myself!
Randal Grichuk – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. The other day after his first homer I said something like, “Yes, it’s only one homer, but hot schmotato alert because he’s the type to hit a bunch of homers in a row.” And that’s me paraphrasing me!
Trey Mancini – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Mancini is leading multiple teams of mine in homers. Just the way I drew it up in February!
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 0.00, and pitchslapped Richards. Last year was the year of the position player hitting, and 2019 feels like the year of the pitchslap. As for deGrom, this was a career high in Ks and I think I should’ve ranked him above Scherzer in the preseason. As my Polish neighbor would say, what can do?
Trevor Richards – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Besides a mess of the early innings, Richards showed me a little something-something. The Mets’ lineup is no pushover (I know, weird), and Richards handed his owners another Quality Start. I’m buying, Cousin Sweatpants.
Marcell Ozuna – Out with a tight right side. Well, he had a good five games.
Paul DeJong – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .222. Colonel Mustard with a fork in the pantry!
Kolten Wong – 1-for-3, 2 runs, hitting .476. By this time tomorrow, I will have found out if my waiver claim for Wong was successful. We need a giant prayer phallus!
Harrison Bader – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. As they say in the Queen’s English, “Master Bader, we have lift off.” Assuming there’s a masturbator getting on an elevator.
Miles Mikolas – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 7.20. Here’s a pop quiz, hot shot. If Mikolas pitched like this last year, where would you have drafted him this year?
Jameson Taillon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.46. Too bad the international sign for a wet blanket, Ray Searage, keeps telling him to pitch to contact. Contact is for aliens and Jodie Foster, get some Ks!
Jung Ho Kang – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .231. Ugh, I need Colin Moran to take over. Can’t someone take away Kang’s phone so he can’t access Uber?
Ozzie Albies – 3-for-4 and a slam (1) and legs (2), hitting .500. He should take a cue from Victor Victor Mesa and just change his name to Ozzie Ozzie Albies. How rad would that be?
Dansby Swanson – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Just as he’s starting to take off *makes helicopter hand motions like in Goodfellas* Jon Lester slid into his wrist, so you’ll have to watch Swanson’s Life Alert bracelet to see how he’s doing.
Julio Teheran – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Teheran’s on fire! The pitcher’s doing okay too. I’d use the Streamonator for him and that next start is a big no thank you.
Willson Contreras – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He didn’t homer last year until this year, so he’s ahead of pace. (That might be wrong, but it feels right.)
Mike Minor – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.63. That start is neither here nor there, okay, it was mostly here, but the Streamonator loves his next start and I can see it.
Nomar Mazara – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .300. He left the game early with tightness in his left quad. I have tightness in my left pants pocket where I keep my wallet. I think we’ll all be fine.
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Tell me again why I need to draft a starter in the first 25 picks, but explain it slow so I can understand it.
Ross Stripling – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.31. Honestly, I don’t know what his velocity was last night, I was watching Survivor. His velocity after his first game was egregious though, down from near-92 to under 90. His Ks are way down through two starts and he might be a 7 K/9, 3.75 ERA pitcher vs. the one we saw last year. I’m concerned. It’s also only two starts, so it might be nothing. Or it might an extra 50 IP last year is bogging him down.
Enrique Hernandez – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. If you heard the podcast I did with the B_Don, Donkey Teeth, Ditka and Sausage the other day, Donkey Teeth thinks Kiké can hit 30 homers, which seems farfetched. But not as farfetched as a Donkey Teeth taking on the personality traits of a human, so there might be something there.
Brandon Belt – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. He could hit 16 homers by April 15th and I would still project him for 17 homers this year, but he seems hot.
Steven Duggar – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .286. He promised his whole family a home run for each of them, so he has to hit at least 20+ homers.
Ramon Laureano – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Damn, you better get him off your team quick before he does something else productive.
Ryan Brasier – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save, but he closed it because it as a tie game earlier and Matt Barnes (1 1/3 IP, 0 ER) came in and shut that door. Still think it’s Barnes, but, like every bullpen in the majors, except maybe the Tigers’ bullpen, it could be anyone. Just wait until Shane Greene has 30 saves at the break and is traded. The Tigers’ bullpen will get ugly too.
Corey Kluber – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.23. Kluber looked old farty yesterday. I know, serious sabermetrics talk there, but he did. Just super bleh. Because ‘old farty’ and ‘bleh’ aren’t great data points, I went to look at his pitch mix, fastball velocity and other metrics, and he seemed relatively okay, but–Wait a second, it’s April. Oh, yeah, he’s terrible in April. No surprise here.
Yoan Moncada – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Moncada telling us all there won’t be any need for an 8th “post” tagged onto post-post-post-post-post-post-post hype prospect.
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.59. I don’t want to play the “But his matchups” card. It’s almost as bad as “But her emails.” However…but his matchups! His first two matchups, Indians and Royals, aren’t exactly lighting up the world. Then again, Rodon gets the Rays next, who don’t scare me much either. They do seem to scare the Streamonator.
Joey Lucchesi – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.00. Just give Joey Lucchesi of the Ravioli Crime Family the Cy Young already! We don’t need to see anymore!
Manny Machado – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. You know when you don’t have to hustle? When you’re dinging dongs. Of course, I’m not talking about hustling as in being a sex worker.
Robbie Ray – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.35. Have to excuse the BBs, it was, after all, National Walking Day.
Jake Lamb – Pulled up lame, because that’s what Jake Lamb does. Lamb is baaaaaahd at staying healthy. Christian “The White” Walker might’ve just pulled himself out of a platoon, and he has three homers vs. righties. I’m buying, guys and five girl readers.
Kyle Gibson – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Everything was going copacetic, until he walked Billy Hamilton and the Fantasy Baseball Overlord said, “FBO is insulted by your disregard of basic decency to walk Billy Hamilton. I will smite you with runs. Be gone before I injure your fantasy owner’s 1st round draft pick, unless they have Trea Turner. Then sucks on them already!”
Blake Parker – 1/3 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. Clearly, he is the closer in Minnesota. Briefly consider how the Angels released Parker this winter and subtly shake your head at their stupidity.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Told you he’d out-homer Giancarlo and Judge this year.
Adalberto Mondesi – 2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting. 409. He’s going to have the most unlikely of years with 60 triples and 10 steals.
Homer Bailey – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Fresh from his nomination for Vice, Christian Bale takes on his most difficult role to date: making Homer Bailey look like a good pitcher.
