Padres starters give me the feels; Mariners starters start the underneath tinglings; Dodgers starters feather enthusiasm on the undercarriage. Reds starters? That park is so blech. Luis Castillo’s sexy, but, again, that park and…I trail off, thinking about whatever happened to Better Call Saul, did that show end? When my thoughts drift back, I remember what I was thinking about, and see Tyler Mahle. More like Tyler Mehle was my thought. Now? After watching him dismantle the Cubs? Color me intrigued, with a red paintbrush. Yesterday, Mahle went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks. He looked shaky as all get out to start the game — walked Happ, Bryant lined out hard, hit Rizzo, then he said, “Good morning, good afternoon, and–Well, I already have two outs, so I’ll have to say good night in the next inning.” And he did. He settled down after that, and no one looked close to starting a rally. He had a bit of luck at one point by getting to face the opposing Tyler after giving up a triple to Baez, but Mahle didn’t exude a whole lot of sweat beads otherwise. I’ve seen more sweat on a girl doing a Tyler Chatwood, which is a euphemism for tying a cherry stem into a knot with your mouth while seamlessly carrying on a conversation. I grabbed Mahle in one league for his next start vs. the Pirates, and plan on going one start at a time for now, but I’m encouraged. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Scott Schebler – Out yesterday with a sore elbow. What a Schelbower!
Tyler Chatwood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (6 BBs), 4 Ks. I’ve seen cherry stems find the plate with more ease. Stop making sense, David Byrne!
Michael Saunders – Signed with the O’s. *entire Orioles’ front office lines up like the beginning of a basketball game, Dan Duquette runs down middle, shimmying, high and low-fiving everyone* PA Announcer comes on loudspeaker, “We’ve fixed our entire team!!!”
Trey Mancini – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Why do I feel like a garbage time homer proves a player loves me as much as I love him?
Carlos Correa – Day-to-day with toe discomfort. WebMD says the technical name for this is, “The Little Piggy went wah-wah all the way home.”
Marwin Gonzalez – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run. FTM! For the Marwin!
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Big regret this preseason was not drafting Morton anywhere. He was going for peanuts as if he didn’t just have a top 30 starter season in 2017. First time through the Astros rotation, their collective ERA is 1.78. Bit better than my fantasy team anchored by Robbie Ray and C-Mart.
Jason Hammel – 5 IP, 5 ER. Hammel? More like Jason Hammer’d! AM I RIGHT?!
J.T. Realmuto – Started catching drills, which looks like you’re squatting to poop with your pants on.
Brian Johnson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. His only blemish was a home run surrendered to Brian Anderson. Coincidentally, every white person went to high school with a Brian Anderson or Brian Johnson.
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (2). All year he’s hit third. If he gets only 300 ABs in the three hole in Fenway in the Sawx lineup, it’s gonna be hard for him to not have value.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer. Mookie Ballgame!
Brian Dozier – 1-for-5, and his 3rd homer. Someone in the comments suggested Brian “Bull” Dozier to make him sound as intimidating as he deserves. I will admit that Dozier is the opposite of intimidating. Timidating? Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Lance Lynn – 4 IP, 5 ER. Colin Moran, uh, ran into a granny like me prowling for Cougars, but otherwise Lynn wasn’t awful. I know, that’s like saying Chernobyl’s lovely aside from the radiation, but Lynn might be behind in getting up to speed, and I’d likely hold him for one more start.
Joe Musgrove – Shut down 5-7 days with a shoulder issue. Yup, five to seven days is all a pitcher needs to recover from a shoulder injury. Ow, eye roll headache!
Jameson Taillon – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners (zero walks), 9 Ks. Nowadays a five and one third start is like Jack Morris going ten innings.
Sean Newcomb – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Well, it could’ve been worse. He could’ve done it while singing Ted Nugent songs.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-2, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. For the love of all that is holy, please stay hot for another 158 games.
Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. I know I didn’t like him in the preseason, but, for the life of me, I can’t remember why not. Confidence building!
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer as he DH’d. He says he should be able to play 3rd this Thursday after having a dead arm last week. His arm said, “There was a light at the end of the tunnel…Then I saw…A Gatorade cooler and Carlos Zambrano, and I decided I had too much to live for.”
Aledmys Diaz – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Somebody out there drafted Aledmys in the 42nd or so round of their NFBC draft and is feeling pretty good with Tulo out until…Well, who knows when he will return? My guess is in time to get less than 5% of Hall of Fame votes in 2024.
Jaime Garcia – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Five imaginary dollars says everyone in Toronto calls him Jamie. Oh, you won’t bet me five fake dollars but you’ll spend 7,200 hours managing your fake team? Aight.
Welington Castillo – 2-for-4 and his 1st and 2nd homer. Double Boeuf Welington Supreme!
Yasmani Grandal – Hit his 1st homer. If I may be so bold, it actually makes sense for the Dodgers to play two catchers. No, not both behind the plate! They’re not trying to catch Vince Velasquez. I’d put Barnes at 2nd base, and ask Utley to retire.
Kenley Jansen – 1 IP, 3 ER. During the preseason, I thought about encouraging people to go after Josh Fields to vulture saves from Jansen, but it just seemed so farfetched even though Jansen did not look right. Kicking myself I didn’t grab Fields anywhere either. Jansen’s velocity is off 5 MPH, and his command is left of center. Last year, it took him almost three months before he walked anyone. This year, he’s walked two guys already. I’m grabbing Fields everywhere.
Matt Chapman – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Remember, he was my preseason call for being the ‘after 200th overall pick to hit 40+ homers.’ Not an official category anyone recognizes, of course.
Andrew Triggs – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. He’s a ground ball, 88-MPH pitcher, i.e., MediOAKer.
Yonder Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Podcaster Ralph (how many hats does this guy wear?) and I talk about Yonder briefly on today’s podcast. I basically say how I didn’t understand why no one thought Alonso was a power hitter still. He showed the skill last year. No reason to believe he’s suddenly that under-8 homer guy again.
Mike Clevinger – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. This is going to be fun for you to hear. Clevinger supplied me with my 1st decent start from a pitcher yesterday. Why again do I draft any starter prior to 200th overall?
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. This home run was an inside-the-park homer because Justin Upton heard someone yell freeze when he was by the wall, and you just can’t move after someone yells freeze. At least that’s what it looked like.
Wil Myers – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. I was looking at the Padres’ lineup, and they look like a team of number two hitters in search of a cleanup hitter. If only they had someone in the minors…*my dog Ted starts doing charades* What’s that, Ted? Are you doing a praying mantis? Looks like you’re throwing like Fernando Valenzuela? Why are you pushing an empty Junior Mints box? Fernando Mantis Junior? What they hell is my dog talking about?
Manny Pina – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. It’s Jimmy Buffett’s favorite catcher, cause he drinks Manny, Manny Pinas.
Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer.
— Razzball (@Razzball) April 2, 2018
Paul DeJong – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Don’t ping JeDong, he’s busy right now!
Miles Mikolas – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks and he pitchslapped Zach Davies (5 2/3 IP, 6 ER). Well, I thought if one Japanese import was gonna homer during his start, it would’ve been Ohtani. And if one Japanese import was gonna give up three homers, it also would’ve been Ohtani. Mikolas is 2-0 for both of those things, but one of them is a negative, so that might be 1-1, but let’s not get caught up in semantics. Either way, I still like Mikolas, he didn’t look terrible yesterday, like Joan Crawford’s kids, he was just caught on a few hangers.