*life flashing before eyes right before death* Wow, that’s a lot times I picked up and dropped Chase Anderson.   Is it weird I can understand where Mike Tyson was coming from when he said he wanted to eat Lennox Lewis’ children?  Some of these players — Sonny Gray, Jon Gray, Chase Anderson — come to mind that make me want to eat someone’s children.  Not really (yes, really).  Why couldn’t Chase Anderson do this when he was on my team?!  *lines tacks up on desk, slams head down*  I’m okay!  *blood dripping from forehead like Abdullah the Butcher*  I can’t see!  *screaming at intern*  Getmeahandiwipesoicansee–Okay, I can see again.  I’m still seeing blood though.  Yesterday, Chase Anderson went 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.13.  The peripherals are still not there for Anderson — 6.1 K/9, 3.5 BB/9, 5.17 xFIP — so I won’t be going back in on him.  That doesn’t mean it won’t make me think about salt and peppering some kids if he pitches well again.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Eric Thames – 1-for-4, 1 run as he hit leadoff, hitting .250.  Yes, sucks for Hayzeus Aaaaa-gueue-R.  What I’d like to spend a half-second on though.  Thames is hitting leadoff?  Doesn’t Villar hitting leadoff and Thames hitting sixth make sense?  Or to quote a young Haley Joel Osment, “I see dead RBIs.”

Noah Syndergaard – Getting a 2nd opinion on his finger.  If he needs a week between opinions on each finger, he may be out until June 2020.  A lot riding on Syndergaard, so can’t the Mets form ten lines behind each finger?

Yoenis Cespedes – No timetable for his return, and he’s back to square one….Which is Jm J. Bullock for the win!

Zack Wheeler – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.98.  The good news is he’s at least pretending to be healthy.

Ronald Acuna – Nearing rehab games.  Great!  Hopefully he’s not running to them while trying to call himself safe.

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .255.  Hey, I’ll take the power — snap!  So peace, stay off my back or I will attack and you don’t want that! — but is Albies a 35-homer, .250 hitter now?  Hit a couple singles between bombs, my baby boo.

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-2, 2 runs, and his 13th homer, hitting .341.  In case you don’t own him and know how well he’s doing, on the Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, he’s a top 7 overall player.

Ender Inciarte – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and 2 steals (19, 20), hitting .244.  Ender always goes like this.  Gets to about the edge of your patience, and now will go on a .340-in-a-month tear.  It’s Ender’s game, Mazer.

Mike Foltynewicz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.16.  But Falutintootinwhich left with a tight triceps.  NOOOOOOO *pauses to breathe*  OOOOOOOOO!!!  We need a prayer trapezoid now!

Didi Gregorius – 2-for-4 and his 12th and 13th homers, hitting .248.  Gra-gra-Gregorius!  Welcome back!  You wouldn’t have happened to see Giancarlo wherever you were, did you?

CC Sabathia – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.27.  Why do I think CC totally trains with Bartolo in the offseason?  “You don’t need to throw fast.  Write that down.”  CC jots it down.  “Also, if you have more than 17 children you’re avoiding paying child support, you need to live out of a Penn Station locker.  Write that down too.”

Daniel Murphy – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL, and DH’d.  Mean’s while, Juan Soto took a seat.  Unfortunately for him, it wasn’t during a game of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Bryce Harper – Left yesterday’s game after being hit twice by Yankees pitchers.  PUA Mystery would agree with that neg if they’re trying to sign Harper next year.

Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.13 vs. Sal Romano – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.67.  This was a throwback game to the dead ball era, which makes sense when you consider it was a Kennedy vs. the Reds.

Trevor Williams – 3 IP, 3 ER and 5 unearned runs, ERA at 4.38.  Holy ticker shock that box scare nearly had me calling 911 for a defibrillator.

Starling Marte – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .286.  He fell a triple and a single short of the cycle, which is technically a bicycle.

John Ryan Murphy – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and hitting cleanup, and, as I look at the Diamondbacks lineup, I kinda understand it.  Without Pollock, there’s no middle of the Diamondbacks lineup, just as there’s no way of knowing how many people it takes to screw in a light bulb.

Ketel Marte – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, and hitting near-.320 in the last week.  Yesterday’s Pirates-Diamondbacks game was a Marte party!

Jon Jay – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  The Federalist is in favor of a strong central government and hitting in front of Au Shizz.

Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.21.  Wheels came off; there was definitely bumps and talk of needing Triple-A.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .231.  “I’m not saying we can’t use Devers’ carcass to ride down the log flume at Six Flags, but I’m not saying we can’t–HOLD ON!  He’s alive!”

Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer.  Is it me (it’s not me) or does he hit so many homers and they’re not counted on his stats?  He has to have more than 12 homers, doesn’t he?

David Fletcher – Recalled by the Angels to act as a utility man.  He hit .350 in Triple-A with six homers and seven steals, so he will become an All-Star on another team in five years when The Sciosciapath is done benching him.

Mike Trout – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer, and four homers in the last two games. We’re both from Jersey, but I won the state championships in checkers, so I don’t sweat him.

Mitch Haniger – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer.   That’s it, Mitch, get hot again!  Don’t make me regret naming my team, “If You Can Read My Team Name, The Mitch Fell Off.”

Ryon Healy – 2-for-4 and his 11th and 12th homer, and three homers in the past two games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Yoan Moncada – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .232.  The calls in the comments to drop him must’ve reached critical mass, and now Moncada’s about to turn it on.  As I told one person in the comments yesterday, Moncada is around that of a .235 hitter, so huge dips in his performance should be expected.

Joakim Soria – 1/3 IP, 0 ER and his 9th save.  Not only did he get the save, but Nate Jones started the 9th and did a number two.  The two in this scenario is baserunners or poop.

Trevor Richards – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.41.  The Stream-o-Nator loved this start, and hates his next one, so drop him like he’s Trevor Gott.

Chris Stratton – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.56.  He’s actually been better on the road this year like a musician who just had his first kid, but can’t settle down, wears a bandana and tells people he once played with the J. Geils Band.  Freeze frame!

Walker Buehler – Hit the DL with a microfracture of his rib.  The injury was found when they sent a microscopic Dennis Quaid into his blood stream.

Clayton Kershaw – Threw a bullpen session.  That puts him in line to return around the All-Star break.  He can then root on the Dodgers All-Stars, Matt Kemp (0-for-3, 1 run) and Max Muncy (2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer).  Just as they drew it up in the spring!

Joc Pederson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 7th (!) homer in the last week.  If you wanna know what Razzball thinks of Joc, simply search his name.  There’s been about 189 posts about him on the site in the last week.  We need some kind of content management system where once one person writes about a player, no one else can write about him for a week.  Have to get Rudy on this.

Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, as Joc and him hit 7th and 8th in the lineup, because Dave Roberts has a thing for redheads and likes Justin Turner in his three hole.  Only thing I can think of.

Trevor Cahill – Sounds headed to the DL due to a heel problem.  A ‘Cahill problem’ would also work there.

Daniel Mengden – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.90.  I see people with Mengden still on their teams.  Yo, prematurely balding men and the five women that love them, that ship has sailed.  Mengden was a streamer a few weeks back, he wasn’t meant to own.

Carlos Correa – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, as he returned to the lineup.  Also, in this game, Evan Gattis (2-for-4, 5 RBIs) hit his 11th homer.  Sure, Correa is hitting for a better average, but, woof, they have the same number of homers.  Member when you wanted to draft Correa in the top 15 and I told you not to?  Yup.  I didn’t say to take Gattis instead, either.  That was CBS.

Ken Giles – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save, ERA at 4.76.  *tears up lottery tickets with Hector Rondon’s name on it, throws them in the air*  In all seriousness, I don’t think this is said and done yet.

Joe Mauer – Cleared of concussion symptoms and will begin rehab games.  Mauer said, “I feel as good as new,” as he walked into a closet thinking it was the team plane.  In the pitch dark, “Damn, I knew I should’ve requested a window seat.”

Ehire Adrianza – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (3), and his 2nd homer in five games, and hitting near-.325 in the last week.  Could be a light schmotato.  Fun fact!  Every email Ehire sends people think it’s from LinkedIn and delete it.

Miguel Cabrera – Needs season-ending surgery.  Maybe there’s nothing to it, but I’m convinced the easier a player has when they’re younger, the harder they have it when they get older.  Hanley comes to mind, Andruw Jones too.  Now Miggy.  Players that coast on natural ability when they’re young, struggle when they get old.  That’s in my scientific example using a case study of three players.  I am low key celebrating John Hicks as my catcher now that he is the Tigers’ 1st basemen.

Francisco Liriano – Will make a rehab start on Sunday.  I was gonna make some joke about how your 2006 self is crazy excited, so I went to look at Liriano’s lifetime stats.  He’s had literally one great year since 2006, three solid years and has never pitched 200 IP in one year.  To all the fathers out there, if you don’t teach your son how to pitch with his left hand from the moment he can stand, you deserve to be left on the lawn at an old age home when you hit 70.

Scott Kingery – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .215.  And you people said he retired to raise chickens!  I told you ChicKingery Farms doesn’t exist!

Aaron Nola – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.27.  Solid start, great year, but this was vs. the Rockies in Philly.  The Rockies are the Jekyll and Hyde of teams.  Feared at home, sneered at away.

Jon Gray – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 10 Ks, ERA at 5.68.  Maybe because he’s beaten me down to the point where I flinch when I see his name, but this was a damn good start for him!  Totally trying to convince myself he’s turned a corner!  Nope, it’s not working!

Tom Murphy – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs as he was recalled.  Woo-hoo!  My favorite Murphy!  I’d say eff Daniel Murphy, but he might take it the wrong way and try to hunt me down.

Sergio Romo – 1 IP, 0 ER, and the save, ERA at 5.19.  For the first time since Colome was traded, the Rays had a save opportunity, and it went to Romo.  As they say after dessert in Poland, (I’m paraphrasing), “Today’s closer is tomorrow’s opener.”

Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer.  The Rays big names today were Romo & Ramos, the founding brothers of Rome.  Or was that Goofus and Gallant?

Josh Donaldson – Could be activated today.  Donaldson says he’s ready, as he played catch yesterday with an ant hill that was positioned 18 inches in front of him.